Happy Samhein!!  May you all have a beautiful & blessed new year!

Please…if You could all pray…My cat, Akhenaten, the 2 year old Tabby w/ the bad knees (see profile pic) just passed away suddenly, about an hour ago, after having a minor procedure done at work.  Please pray that her soul is guided to the heavens and that Anubis is with her and protects her until I can see her again.  Thank you.

I’m fighting a bad depression, but I refuse to be kept down.  I will overcome all this.  The fact that I’m in the midst of the 1 year anniversaries of everything just proves how strong and resilient I am.  And as for that ex….I’ve called Child Protective services & am calling the local SPCA tomorrow.  Children & animals should not have to suffer because of stupid people.  If she is going to neglect them because she’s too busy getting high & harassing me, I’ll make sure they (the kids & pets) get put into good homes, positive situations which they deserve rather than not eating well, not being clean or attended to, not getting spayed/neutered, not getting hit by cars, etc.  My job is to help & protect animals & I take that seriously.  Therefore, I have no quams about calling this bitch out.

Off the subject, I miss all of you like hell.  Xanga was always such a warm place for me & you all have been so beautiful & such an incredible support.  Please know I think of EACH of you daily, and you are all in my thoughts & prayers.  Please take good care, and know that I love each of you very much.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to each of you.  Now and always.

<Insert deafeningly loud, glass-shattering scream of anger>.  She did it again.  That fucking bitch wrote to me again.  I was DAMN polite & respectful to her.  That bitch had the nerve to say it’s no wonder I’ve been hurt the way I have & basically I deserve it.  That’s it.  I’m done being nice.  I’m calling child protective services, I’m getting a restraining order & I’m calling the ASPCA.  That bitch wants to play?!  I’ll make her sorry.  She thinks SHE is going to take Jay to court…She’s got another thing coming.  As for Jay’s “bad” sister that started all this shit…If I never see her again it’ll be too soon.

It was a bright and beautiful Sunday morning.  The sky was a perfect calming pale blue.  The clouds were white, fluffy pillows for souls to lounge and relax on.  All the birds outside sang to the glory of this day.  There was hardly a chill in the gentle autumn breeze.  All was right with the world.  Or so it seemed.  Somewhere, behind the happy dancing trees, and the glittering sunlight, there was pain.  There were no screams of pain, or cries for help.  There was no struggle.  No hitting, no scratching, no fight.  Just apologies and begs of forgiveness being whispered while pain and hurt were being caused.  All of it so brief.  Fleeting with the sways of the trees.  That was October 10, 2004.  That was the day I was raped. 

As the anniversaries of the rape and the loss of the baby approach at lightning speed, I find myself so focused on that time, and all that has occurred within the past year.  I’ve been having nightmares.  I get panic attacks at work.  I’ve been very emotional.  My thoughts center around October 10, 2004, and everything that happened after that: how my life was changed so drastically by just a few moments.  Tonight, as Jay cleaned out the litter boxes, I couldn’t help but think of when I was pregnant, and how the smell of the ammonia was so strong to me, that I was unable to clean the litter boxes without starting to heave.  And I find myself thinking about how I was never supposed to be pregnant.  Now, almost a year later, I think to myself, I never wanted to be pregnant; but if I ever was, I want it to be Jay’s, not Bobby’s.  It kills me so much that the only life that will ever grow inside me was one that was not brought on bye love, and was not brought on by the father I would have chosen.  And this is the guilt I must live with for the rest of my life.  Tomorrow is my birthday.  Hopefully it can be a happy mark in my life, instead of bringing on this pain, and these hurtful memories.

People just fucking suck.  Without going into details….People are trying to fuck things up between Jay & I.  Particularly his unstable (mentally) sister & an angry ex of his.  To boot, since the ex found out about me, she has suddenly gone from straight chic to out & out bi, andf from die-hard Christian to Wiccan.  Bitches like that are what give us a bad name.  BE YOUR FUCKING SELF!!  Why would anyone try to immitate anyone else, I’ll never know.  But goddamnit, let me please live my life in peace.  I have more than enough going on right now.  I can’t stand this bullshit anymore….My fucking anniversaries are coming up, I’m stressed between work & school & now this?!  Please leave me alone world…I just want some peace & quiet for once.

 I think I may need to take an official hiatas….so much w/ work & school, I’m about to start up counselling again.  My plate is very full, and as much as I love xanga and all the wonderful people here, I just don’t have the time to dedicate to you guys.  I feel horrible, I really do.  How long, how many times have I said I’d catch up with each of you soon and I haven’t?  I hate that: that’s not me.  I don’t make promises I can’t keep, and in a case like this where now I know I can’t keep it, I’m not going to string anyone along, so to speak.  So, anyway…I’m sorry.  If things calm down for me, I’ll be back sooner.  Otherwise I don’t think I’ll be back before the end of the semester.  Take good care everyone, you are all always in my thoughts & prayers.  Much love & many blessings to you all.  Until next time…

SO much to tell….we moved again & just hooked up internet now.  Been working 6-7 days a week every week.  I’m starting school next week…I’ll catch up with ya as soon as I can.  Love to all of ya!

There is so much to write, and so little time to do it in.  Life has been good – EXTREMELY busy, but very, very good.  Within 6 weeksat my new job, I got promoted to clinic manager, things could not be better between Jay & I, the pets are all doing well, the trucks are doing well, and I am…Tired.  Been working a lot, and Jay had to fly out to Minnesota today (2nd time in 6 weeks or so) to fix a machine his company built, he has to be up by 3:30 this morning, and of course, I was up too.  But, life is good…I have a lot going on, but I’m dying of the heat, and I’m hungry, so I’m gonna go eat.  I shall return soon with a real entry, I promise.  And, I will check in as soon as I can with each of you.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to you all!