Halloween is Samhein (pronounced Sowen), the pagan new year.  The tradition of dressing up is that pagans would dress as what they wanted to become in the next year, or like dead friends or relatives in order to communicate with them.  Supposedly now is the time when the 2 worlds are closest & it is best to communicate with those who have passed.  It is a harvest celebration, as well as the turning of the cycle to God, the masculine (we believe in Goddess & God).  It is colder & darker now, it is the realm of the horned God (no, not satan).  With that comes the supression of life (think opposite of spring).  And with that, I accept my little girl’s fate.  It’s a part of life, which is cyclical like the moon & the seasons.  And I accept that, always have.  As much as I will miss Ny, it is her time to go.  I’ll make sure she goes peacefully & does not suffer.  I plan on wearing make-up tomorrow (can’t dress since I’ll be work & it would be awkward to wrestle dogs while in some kind of costume), to bring beauty & love into my life.  I already have that, now I just want to enhance that.  And part of that was having Ny for the past year and a half.  She’s a blessing.  This is very difficult emotionally, but she has done her job & it is time for her to move on.  Every January first, we say that we are going start the new year clean, start our lives over.  So it is with Nyako.  She is starting her new life now.  She will celebrate the pagan new year weekend with me, assuming she can hold on.  Then on Monday, I will send her on her way.  It will be odd euthanising my own pet, but I know it’s for the best.  I personally believe in Anubis, the ancient Egyptian god of the after life.  He presided over mummifications, guided the souls to the heavens (they did not believe in hell) & comforted the families as they mourned.  I know he will take her & make sure she has a safe journey over, and he will comfort me.  I can rest assured she’ll be ok because she’s in his hands.  All my friends & family have been very supportive & helpful through this.  I am blessed, and I remember that on this Samhein.  Thank you all for all that you’ve said, done, and given me.  It is greatly, greatly appreciated.  Blessings to you on this harvest new year!

I got some horrible news this afternoon.  My pet rat has cancer.  It appears to be in the left lung, the right lung has pneumonia, which is probably secondary to the cancer.  We’re treating her with antibiotics for the pneumonia, hoping it will clear everything, but I’m doubtful.  As was Dr. Robbins.  It kills me.  I know it may sound stupid because it’s “only a rat.”  But I love that little girl.  She is such a sweet pet, and has really enriched my life.  I can’t help but blame myself for this.  Maybe if I was home more or payed more attention to her.  Maybe I could have noticed the signs sooner.  Maybe I did & I ignored them & didn’t even realize.  I know rats have a tremendous predisposition to cancer, but I really only knew of mammary cancer, which was why I had her spayed when I first got her.  I consider Nyako to be a “familiar.”  We have an amazing connection…we are so similar in so many ways, I feel like we are kindred spirits, if you will.  This is killing me.  I hate to lose her.  I know it’s a part of life.  And I knew this day would come, but why has she had to suffer & to continue to suffer?  I can only blame myself.  I love her & hope she has had a good life.  She will always be with me.  Christ, this is hard.  I’m ready to euthanise her, I don’t want her to suffer any more.  But, emotionally, to lose one of my best friends…there are no words.  I guess I should look on the bright side & remember how blessed I was during the time I’ve had her.  I’ve been crying so hard…   There are no words for this.

Ba careful what you wish for, it may just come true 

I’m in a place in my life where I’ve never been before.  For once, I have some good things in my life, and it’s rather odd for me 

I finally have friends in my life who aren’t taking advantage of me.  They appreciate me for who I am, and we have friendships based on LOVING the other person, not just who did what for who.  It’s incredible having friends who want nothing more from me than my time…to just be together & hang out & laugh.  I feel like I owe them something, but they tell me no    They are great blessings to me.

I have a job that is what I’ve been looking for for a long time.  It’s busy, it’s educational, the people are nice…I’m doing & learning more here than I have in a looooooong time.  I haven’t looked forward to work like this in a while.  It’s great.

I have a man who amazes me to no end.  He treats me so well.  I don’t think I could ever give him what he’s given me.  What means the most is that he doesn’t look down on me because of my past experiences.  He doesn’t see me as used or dirty.  I’ve never had a roamnce where the male treated me well.  He always talks about being a man, and he is.  He’s more of a man than any of the other males in my life except my Grandfather & my brother.  All 3 know how to treat a woman, all 3 are respectful, smart, good looking, intelligent, kind, generous.  To be related to them is one thing, but to have one (a TRUE man) as a love interest is just unbelievable.  I hope I’m not pushing the relationship, I am just so happy…I can’t get enough of him 

My life is good, I’m happy….it’s overwhelming.  That would be a good overwhelming    I am so blessed.  In Wicca, we wish each other “Blessed be,” and I truely am.  I’m gonna have a long list this Thanksgiving 

Some random tidbits & rantings today….   

Ok, first, something I’ve been wanting to tell the world, but haven’t told anyone.  Over a month ago, my mom came out to help me un-pack and get settled into my new apartment.  We were talking about her & her boyfriend (they were preparing for him to move in, which was a big deal to my mom).  We were talking about my brother & how he felt about my mom’s new situation.  She said that he told her that he saw how happy she was, that she was different now from when she & my father were married.  That turned the conversation a bit to the topic of my father.  She apologised to me for letting him verbally abuse me.  She said she regrets not standing up to him.  We agreed that he was an intimidating man, and I told her she didn’t need to feel badly about it, that I held nothing against her.  The fact that she brought it up & apologised to me means so much.  She still cannot accept the fact that my father also sexually abused me, but that’s ok.  Again, I hold nothing against her.  I took this apology for both, even though he is the one who needs to apologise.  It is a conversation I’ll never forget, it’s meaning is beyond words.

Second, something that I’m passionate about because of my work.  There is a client at my new job who apparently has a wildlife rehab license, and think that she can do whatever she wants because of it.  She has African Caracals (like bobcats) as pets, and it’s sickening.  She declaws all 4 feet on these wild animals.  I hate it when domestic cats are declawed, let alone all 4 feet & a wild cat.  Look at your fingers.  Do you see that first digit, the tip of your finger where the nail is?  That whole first digit is what is removed during a declaw surgery.  Now imagine, having that digit removed on your hands & feet & then trying to walk (placing ALL of your body weight) on all four tender feet.  Sounds humane, doesn’t it?  Especially for a wild cat that is used to killing it’s meals.  They don’t belong in captivity, and they don’t deserve to have such a traumatic, unnecessary surgery.  2 of her caracals died this week.  One before I got there, and one last Tuesday.  The one last tuesday died because it ate a koosh ball, which got lodged in its intestines & blocked it up.  The cat couldn’t eat, toxins were building up, and eventually it died.  It’s horrible.  A cat that size should not be allowed to play with toys that small.  This woman killed the cat that she “loved.”  If she loved them so much, she would know they don’t belong in captivity & they certainly shouldn’t have toys that small available to them.  I wish something like this would teach her a lesson, but I doubt it will.  These cats deserve so much more, these kinds of things kill me.  People who own monkeys or other animals that really do not belong in captivity.  It’s just not right, people are too selfish & stupid to appreciate these creatures for what they are.  They just think it’s “cool.”

Third, the cat that I hit with my car was a karmic lesson.  Sad, but true.  Ever since Keith Doug’s death, I wanted to meet the guy who hit him.  At first I was mad & wanted him to see the faces of the people he hurt.  Then I thought I wanted to meet him to hear his side of the story.  It wasn’t until I hit that cat & was on the other side of an accident that I realized that no matter what, if I met that man, I would be reminding him of something that was as traumatic for him as it was for me.  I would be taking a piece of him, hurting him again.  He didn’t need that.  He needed to live in peace.  He does not need to be reminded of “Mug,”  he’ll never forget.  Sad that another life needed to be sacrificed in order for me to learn, but I realize now it’s not just the Lord that giveth & taketh away, we do, too.  It’s all part of the cyclical nature of life.  “Mug” told me he needed to go, and the cat did too.  They both touched my life in unbelievable ways.  I love them both & will always carry them both with me.

Lastly, something that I’ve touched on before.  The stupidity of the American society & how it reflects in our TV shows & movies.  I love my brother & I love the fact that he’s an actor, but in a way, I pity him because good writing is hard to come by.  He is amazingly talented & has a passion for good theatre/movies, but that is so rare nowadays.  I want to see him prosper, I want him to share his gift, but I want it to be done in a tasteful, artistic way.  I want the world to see what he’s capable of, but with TV & movies being as stupid as they are, or just rip-off’s/sequals to older shows/movies, I know it’ll be hard for him.  Where has all the creativity gone?  Acting, writing…all the creative talents are becoming jokes.  You don’t need to be talented any more to get into the movies.  Keanu Reeves, Vin Diesel, and so many more are proof of that.  As long as you’re a hotty, you’re fine.  It’s sad.  I really want to see that change.  For some kind of growth & depth for American society, and also for my brother.

I’m going to admit here that I’m a DR. Phil fan 

He has this family that he checks on once a week or so.  Today, the 13-year-old daughter said she wanted to divorce her parents & go up for adoption because her family fights, they blame her (for what I don’t know), and call her stupid. 

ALL 13 year olds hate their parents.  Who hasn’t fought with their parents at that age?  I think everyone was a brat at that age.  This girl cops an attitude with her parents & blames them for everything.  In listening to her talk, you can tell she has no idea of the severity of what she said.  She thought that living with another family would be so much better.  She had to have been thinking that a new family would some how be all pretty & roses & puppies.  She said that she didn’t want to be told no.  Well, welcome to reality!

This kind of mentality pisses me off.  It’s not just some 13-year-old girl getting famous from Dr. Phil.  A friend of mine, who’s my age (24) just got married in September.  She knew the guy for less than 3 months.  She married him because both their mothers died around the same time (within a week or so of each other) & his sister & grandmother work(ed) for vets (she’s a tech too, but doesn’t have her license).  I told her while we were in school together that marriage magnifies everything 10-fold.  That every little problem becomes a much larger problem.  My own marriage proved so.  But, Elisabeth was going to do what she was going to do.  16 days after getting married, she & her “husband” had a fight & he told her to get her stuff out of the RV (yes, they live in an RV) so he could leave.  He wanted it to end.  After only 16 days!  I went out to see them, and I spoke to her.  I tried to make my point without being hurtful.  I told her she should consider counseling, etc.  I told her that if Jim, the “husband,” isn’t willing to work for it, that it was time to end it.  I didn’t tell her this, but I disagree with this marriage completely, but want to be there for her (she kicked everyone else out of her life).  But, what kills me is that, she & I are the same age, but her thinking mirrors that of (the above said) a 13 year old.  

Yeah, fairy tales are nice.  My generation refuses to accept reality for what it is.  Life sucks.  So what?  You need to learn & grow from the shitty experiences & then move on.  You need to laugh.  Why take life seriously?  You’re not getting out of it alive.  I’m just mad at my selfish, naieve “peers.”  Everyone is out for themselves & trying to take the easy way out.  What happened to inner strength & beauty?  What happened to learning from experience?  What happened to working?  Not just in a job (even though most kids my age don’t want to do that either), but in life.  I am so disgusted by this mentality & I worry about what younger kids are growing up with in terms of morals, ethics/work ethic, life goals, perceptions of reality, etc.  If you expect life to be a fairy tale, EVERYONE will disappoint you.  What makes it worse is that, no matter how much I say it (or think it), most of these people won’t get it.  I don’t take frustration well.  I want to scream “Wake up!” at these people, but it won’t get me anywhere. 

I grew up in an abusive home, put up with the shit, and survived.  I think I’m a better person for it.  I’m strong, independent, I work hard, and I have a good sense of reality.  I would be a very different person if I grew up in a different home or divorced my parents.  I would be a spoiled brat expecting the world to cater to me.  From my own experiences, I’ve learned to rely on no one but myself, and I think I’m doing pretty damn well.  I have goals, and I will achieve them because of the determination I’ve had all my life.  I needed it to survive, now I need it to thrive & prosper.  I think it was George Karlin who said that if more kids grew up in abusive homes, we’d be better off.  I’m starting to think he’s right. 

Today, we’re too soft.  No one wants to say no to their kids.  So, we’re seeing very spoiled kids.  They don’t understand the concepts of work or patience.  They don’t appreciate what they have because they’re used to expecting it due to shitty parenting. I’d never abuse my child/children (if I ever have any), but they will learn the word no, they will learn patience (you may not get it today, but maybe at Christmas), and they will understand that mommy & daddy worked their asses off for them.  Unfortunately, that mind set is the minority.  The parents nowadays are trying to make up for the harshness we dealt with as children, but it’s making things worse.  They’re not teaching their children responsibility, patience, understanding, hard work, etc.  They’re not even teaching their kids to think.  We’ve become too lax in our educational standards.  And now, that lax, spoiled mentality is breeding.  Stupid creating stupid.  Sigh.  Such is life, I suppose.  Christ, the youth of America (in general.  Of course there are plenty of exceptions) are so selfish, materialistic, naieve, and stupid (yes, there is a difference, and most do have both traits).   

It is time for me to practive what I preach.  As a student of Wicca, I have always said that any and all religions are good.  You just need to find the one that’s right for you.  So long as you harm none, it’s all good.  Yet, when my boyfriend told me he was going to intensly investigate Christianity, I panicked.  A former Christian myself, I remembered all the bs I was told in church, all the lies, close-mindedness, etc.  On my way to see him tonight, I couldn’t help but remember all this things & come up with questions & points to make to him that were against Christianity.  As I got off the highway onto the mainroad he lives off of, it hit me.  I need to let him do what’s right for him.  I can’t judge HIS decision.  As lomg as he is comfortable in his decision, that’s all that matters.  He & I talked about it as well.  That conversation meant so much to me.  He told me he was ok with my being pagan so long as I didn’t try to persuade him, and that he would hope I would return the respect.  I told him he deserved it, and I meant it.  I also told him at the end of our evening together that I was lucky to have him in my life.  I meant that too.  It’s my turn to step up to the plate, be a woman, and respect any and all decisions he makes for himself so long as they are not self-inflicting, or inflicting harm onto others.  I doubt he’d do that, though.  He’s a great guy.

I was watching ‘Tough Crowd” last night.  They were discussing women’s clothing (or the lack thereof) & the society our kids are being brought up in.  I’ll have to voice my opnion here since I wasn’t on the show

First of all, the clothing/fashions of today are disgusting.  It’s one thing to want to look good, I understand that.  But what about class?!  Girls say they don’t want to be viewed as objects, but dressing in a certain way doesn’t help.  Don’t ger me wrong, I do have sexy clothes, but I don’t wear them every day.  What happened to professional dress?  One can look sexy without showing everything.  Unfortunately, girls today base their self-esteem on the attention they get from guys when they’re dressed in low riders, midrif shirts, etc.  It’s just a sign of our disgusting, self-indulgent one-track-mind society.  Where has all the depth gone?  Where is culture?  We live too much in “the now.”  We are too focused on instant gratification.  It’s sad and sickening.

To continue on that theme, what the hell kind of a society are we bringing our children into?  My best friend just had a baby in July, and she & I talked about the world Colin would be growing up in.  Most “parents” (I’m using the term loosely here) just pawn the kids off on day care or the stupid TV in the car.  As if there isn’t enough TV for the kids at home.  Kids don’t go out & play any more.  We see a generation of obese kids, mainly due to “parents” who don’t watch what their kids eat & they don’t encourage kids to play or get involved in anything.  These poor kids are going to be so confused & hurt & lonely because mom & dad can’t even give them the time of day.  At my last job, a mother brought her daughter into the office, and this little girl, about 6 years old, was in a glittery midrif shirt.  What the hell?!  She’s 6!  She doesn’t need to look sexy!  She needs to look cute & beautiful.  She needs to enjoy her childhood.  It saddens me.  Where is the advancement of the species?  I would hate to bring a child up into this selfish, sexy, indulgent, 2-dimensional society.  Thinking is no longer rewarded in our society.  As long as you or your 6 year old daughter look hot.  THAT gets rewarded.  What the hell?  Is it really any wonder more conservative cultures resent us?  Our movies have lost the magic & class and are more like soft porn than a real movie with a message.  Our clothes are disappearing more & more, our kids are fat.  It goes on & on.  I am grateful for being an American & having all that I have, but I don’t like what’s going on around me.  Maybe our kids will get it right & fix all the bullshit we created.  I hope so.  Otherwise, as Colin Quinn said last night, it very well could be the fall of Rome.

This is the second job I’ve cried over.  I didn’t even cry over my last job that lasted 2 years.  But this boss is such an ass…

I worked my ass off at this hospital.  I put so much time, effort, blood, sweat and tears.  I invested so much of myself, and that was not appreciated in anyway.  I wasn’t appreciated as I worked, and I sure as hell aren’t feeling appreciated right now.  I was just told this morning that today was my last day, even though I was supposed to work through till Friday, a full 2 weeks.  And it wasn’t even the doctor who told me.  He’s not man enough.  Then, just to really slap me in the face, he lets me go early because it was so slow today.  I tried to keep everything amicable & professional, and this how I get thanked.  There is something to be said for principle, and Dr. is clearly lacking that.  And respect.  He’ll be sorry.  I’m a strong believer in Karma, and I’m sure it will come back to bit him in the ass.  In a way, it already has, since he’s never been able to keep a staff since he’s been in business.  I tried, I wantednothing more than to stick it out & help move the hospital forward.  It sucks…he doesn’t appreciate his staff.  He has no idea how ward they work, all that they do for him.  I think he’ll always be blind to it.  He’s too egotistical, insecure & sexist to see the world for what it really is.  Oh well.  There’s nothing I can do about it now.  It just hurts, ya know?

In June, I lost a dear friend of mine.  He was on his Harley, trying to catch up to another rider & an older man was making a left turn, and they collided.  His death surprised me in how much it affected me.  Ever since the accident, I see bikers not riding safely & drivers not being careful around bikers.  In Keith Doug’s honor, I write the following:

To all drivers: Do us all a favor & get the fuck off the asses of motorcyclists.  People do not know how to drive around bikes & it is scary as hell to be on the receiving end of that.  Imagine, if you will, that a leather jacket is the only protection you have from EVERYTHING, and someone with 2,000 pounds of metal protection is right on top of you.  That is what it’s like when you tailgate a biker.  We did nothing to you, so leave us the hell alone.  You don’t need to understand why we ride, everyone has their own reason.  Just because it’s not something YOU enjoy or understand, doesn’t mean you can put the other person’s life in jeopardy. 

By the same token, bikers, please don’t ride like jack asses.  Those of you riding in between lanes, weaving in & out of traffic, tailgating yourselves are the reason bikers get a bad rap.  We ride because we enjoy it, not to be assanine.  And PLEASE, wear your gear.  Keith Doug died because he wasn’t wearing any gear & he was speeding.  Half shells, tee-shirts, shorts, sneakers….NONE of that gives you any kind of protection.  Even the heaviest jeans will shread like paper against the road.  Leather isn’t a cure all, you can still get pretty badly hurt, but it’s better than a thin cotton tee-shirt.  Riding responsibly is just as important.  As much fun as bikes are, you HAVE to be in control, mature, alert and safe.  Enjoy your ride now and for years to come. 

PLEASE be careful out there.  We’ve lost a lot of good riders over the years, let’s try to keep that to as much of a minimum as possible.  It’s not easy being on either side of an accident like this, but if we all act rationally, we can enjoy our cars & motorcycles in peace. 

I’m going to try this out for real now  

I’m kind of caught at a crossroads.  I’m leaving my current job next week for something that’s much better.  Here are my issues:

1) Pam.  Pam is my office manager.  I consider her a good friend.  She & I have talked about going into business together if/when I graduate from Vet school.  She & I are an awesome team.  If I leave, she will be the only logical person there.  My boss is sexist pig who has more mood swings than a PMS-ing girl.  Bob is a sweet guy, but he fears change, and cannot be wrong.  He may also be illetrate, which is just sad for him.  He knows a lot, but if he can’t read, I admire him for getting through life somehow.  He’s a good guy, and I’d hate to see him struggle.  Anyway, Joan is a 40 year old ass.  She is as incompetant as they came.  She’s also married for the second time, her first husband was a pedafile.  Nice, huh?  Well, #2 ain’t too much better.  Although he doesn’t have a thing for kids, he is not actively seeking work even though they have serious financial problems.  She likes to collect animals (REAL pets) as a way to ignore said problems.  Allyson is a 19 year old twit who is high maintenance, loud, prissy & spoiled.  She’ll say she did something, but it’s not really done, and it almost always compromises the well-being of the animals in the hospital.  How can I leave Pam with these idiots?!  She moved 3,000 miles for this!  I love her & pity her, she’s in a really shitty situation right now, and there’s nothing she can do about it.  She said I was the saving grace, and now I’m fucking her over.  I don’t mean to, but I can’t put up with not doing work I’m qualified to do & not being treated like a person.

2) The fear of the unknown.  This next practice is huge.  I’ve never worked at such a large hospital before, except for LIVS which was a nightmare unto itself.  I’m comfortable here, and I’m building a rapport with the clients.  I also hate to constantly change jobs.  It sucks so much that I couldn’t stay at my last job.  Sometimes I wish I had just moved to Florida on my own.  Although, my life is changing for the better up here, but that’s another story all together.

Vet school has suddenly become an issue.  My grandfather doesn’t want me far away since his time is limited.  This man is my everything.  How do I choose between him & school?  I can’t.  Either way I will live with regret, I know it.  Plus, someone very special has come into my life now.  I know it’s REALLY early, but there seems to be so much potential here & I really want this to go far.  If we stay together, what would happen if I went to vet school, especially if I went to Scotland?!  I couldn’t ask him to drop his life for me?  Who am I to ask someone to give everything up for me?  He’s got a bright future ahead of him & I’d never want to ruin that for him.  But by the same token, I’d really want him to be a part of this persuit of mine.  I’d want him as a support, someone who I could share this experience with, and someone who, hopefully one day, I can build a life with.  I know only time will tell, and what is meant to be will be, but I like to plan.  I like to have everything set, have a future ready & waiting for me.  I can’t change fate, but I can take control of my life….I just don’t want to manipulate or hurt anyone.  Not my grandfather, not this new gentleman, no one.  Sigh….I hate things being so uncertain.  Such is life, right?  I guess it’ll all work itself out in the end.  I hope so.  My life is starting to look bright for a change, and I fear ruining any of that.  Well, on that note, I should hit the hay.  I need to get some good sleep, get rid of this nasty cold.  As good old Scarlett O’Hara once said, “Tomorrow is another day.”