Enjoy the time of the harvest!  I am one happy chick today.  I had an amazing Thanksgiving dinner with Mike & his fam last night.  Work went well….I was able to do a dentistry (my favorite)…Yea!  Things are going well for me.  I’m happy in my job, happy in my relationships (friendships, family, romantic & other).  I’m gonna see Dawn tomorrow.  It’ll be fun to just hang out with her, but also to see her reaction to her belated b-day gifts.  I just have so many wonderful people in my life.  Life really is about who you associate with….The close people in your life.  Mike will get to meet my fam on Sunday, another Yea!    Mike got his internship…Double Yea!    I’m very excited for him….I knew this was a biggie for him.  It’s really been stressing him & getting him down & I am just so happy for him.  It is such a burden that has been lifted from his shoulders.  My 12th Ink-ing is quickly approaching….Major Yea!    I know I’ve been all over the place, but these are things I’ve been waiting for for so long, that last tatoo, good friends, good romance, strong ties with my family, good job….It finally came together for me.  My finger nails are long, which is a sign that I am truely happy.  Strange, I know, but my fingernails grow when I am content.  I’m gonna go play with my new kitten & get even happier   

Well, I’m finally back….something happened to the cable line outside my apartment building, and now I’m back to the land of the cyber-living.  What follows is something I’ve wanted to write since last week, so here we go…

I confuse people.  How the hell can you be a bad-ass biker chic and go to the NYC Ballet?  How can you be a tom-boy and be girlie at the same time?  I don’t feel like pinning myself to one definition.  When I was in Michigan, and lost all work as a dance instructor, I promised myself not to close myself in, to leave all doors open for employment.  I’ve followed through with that in every facet of my life.  I do love everything… I love to learn and be challenged and to grow as a person.  I firmly believe that one’s life experiences have a huge impact on their personalities, good and bad.  That has caused me to be compassionate: never wanting to hurt another the way I’ve been hurt, and tough as nails: stronger than ever & not going back to those hurtful places.  A lot of things touch me in a lot of ways, mainly because of all my experiences.  Yes, I am only 24, but I’ve lived more in those 24 years than some people twice my age.    Here is a “brief” explanation of how I got this way:

I was born with a neuromuscular disease.  The MDA payed for my tests, treatments & occupational therapy when I was a kid.  I wasn’t supposed to walk.  At 2 years old, determined to prove those doctors wrong, I walked.  Then I ran.  I rode horses, danced, and did everything.  I’ve just been behind everyone & have had to compensate.  My body had to teach itself equilibrium.  I had to create a sense of depth perception.  I would love to know what it’s like to have depth perception, even if only for 5 minutes…        The same applied to a lot of things, even music.  I was born tone deaf.  But coming from a musical family & wanting to do theatre in high school, I took voice lessons.  I can’t read music, so i was forced to learn by ear.  It wasn’t easy, but I learned belle canto (opera technique) and now I sing pretty well.  No matter what I was doing, I always had to push myself.  I had to ride longer, dance harder, do more just to try to keep up with my peers.  It may have come a lot easier to them, but I’m the better person because I appreciate how far I’ve come.  From not being able to walk to teaching my own mother how to tap dance…

My father was a monster, in many ways.  In front of my family, he’d tell me I was worthless, not as important because I wasn’t a boy.  That I’d never amount to anything.  Then at night, after raping me at the ripe old age of 5, he’d tell me I was a whore and that it was my fault he did what he did.  I heard that for 7 years.  7 goddamn years!  I’ll never forget the last time he tried to touch me….that I remember vividly.  He, my brother & I had dinner at his apartment (this was soon after my parents divorced).  After dinner, Bryan went into the other room to play videogames.  My dad suggested that he & I snuggled on his bed.  I thought it was odd, but ok…I wanted him to accept me, so I agreed.  I layed down, but then he asked me to get up, so he could lay down first.  So, I did.  I was on top of my father.  He moved my hand his his crotch (I was 12, post-puberty & VERY cognisant of things like that, so it was not voluntary).  Then he took his hand and began to run his hand on my back under my shirt, working towards my bra.  I jumped.  I shot off him like a bullet & ran to watch Bryan.  The good part of that was that I put all of my weight on the hand on my father’s crotch, so at least he felt some pain for it.  He dicked around with money issues, and a lot of other stuff.  He was a very selfish person in so many respects, to many to list here.  Eventually, he & I had a huge falling out, spoke on & off intermittantly & finally cut off all communication.

At 14, I met someone on-line.  He was 11 years older than me.  We talked as friends for about 3 years, then the “relationship” changed.  I ended up marrying him when I was 19.  He promised me the world, that he would protect me from my father, that he would never hurt me.  And, he loved me.  I believed him.  Why would he lie?  The evening of our wedding, after the reception, I knew something was off.  He changed.  That was the beginning of the end.  He’d take all our money (wedding money, my paychecks, etc) & spend it.  He knew I was going through some very difficult therapy (to resolve the issues about my father), but he’d force himself on me & not care about the physical or emotional pain he caused.  He told me that a wedding ring meant I couldn’t say no.  He’d rape me, then go into the shower to get ready for work.  After pulling myself together, trying to gain back some form of dignity, I’d go into the bathroom to get dressed for work myself, only to find him masturbating in the shower.  So, I was humiliated two times over.  I finally decided to get away from him (because of a dog, but that’s an even longer story), and he stalked me.  He stalked my co-workers.  I was driving around a state where I had no idea where I was going.  I was driving a pick-up with a special paint job & vanity plates trying to hide.  Finding shelter at work, or co-workers’ homes, and even at a women’s shelter.  I feared for my life.  I was 20 years old, lost, cold (it was February in Michigan), alone.  But I got myself through it.  Somehow I survived.  It was hard, but I prevailed.  I lost my job & my truck (because of him) and got a restraining order against him all on valentine’s day.  The next day, my mother flew in to Detroit, I drove across the state, and then we came back to NY together.  After coming home, I found that to top it all off, he got us into about $30,000 in debt.  Thanks to my family & an amazing lawyer, we got that cleared up.  And so, I started my new life…

4 months later, I met Vinny.  A hot biker guy actually wanted to hang out with me!  Major ego boost.  I gave him my all.  I wanted him to love me, I wanted that life-style.  I did everything to blend in with him & the guys, to gain his acceptance.  So, I smoked pot with him, I drank with him…I was very self-destructive, hoping it would make him love me.  I thought I was happy.  Hiding from cops, getting into bar fights, watching people get killed, living the “fast” life….It was scary as hell.  I was always relieved when I heard the bike or truck pull up in the morning, cause I knew he was still alive.  And he used me.  Christ, did he use me!  He used me and my car any money and my love….Anything he wanted he got.  He lived at my expense, a year and a half later, and a threat of losing my best friend because she was sick of me calling her crying because of him, I left.  I cut him off.  I moved out, got my own place, and eventually cut the ties.  I stupidly tried to keep him in my life as a friend, but he told everyone I cheated on him & left him for another guy.  I called him on it on Christmas Eve.  He cried after our phone conversation where I hung up on him.

Not long after that, I gave myself to Jimmy, a dear friend of mine.  We messed around, but he knew I wasn’t the type to do that with just anyone.  And even though he instigated, he suddenly felt that he was not attracted to me.  I wished so hard (at that point) that I had undergone the African female circumcision, because maybe my life would have turned out better.  My heart was doubly crushed because I really wasn’t over Vinny, and then Jimmy rejected me, too.  My soul was crushed…I never hurt so much in my life.

I spent the past 2 years alone.  I’ve had a lot of people come in & out of my life in those 2 years….most used me until I asked for something in return.  I’ve done so much for so many, and few have returned the favor.  But after all that, I am stronger and better than all of them.  I got myself through a lot of shit.  It was extremely difficult, but, I have endured.  I am strong.  I may not have many friends now, but the ones I do have are true blessings…they’ve given me so much.  My family has stuck by me through thick & thin….I am at such a good place in my life now….the people in my life are amazing.  Even my current love interest in an amazing guy.  I may seem bitter, but I’m past the hurt…I do get angry by spoiled people, mainly because I’ve had to work so damn hard for what I have.  I deserve all that is around me, and those spoiled, selfish, greedy people don’t appreciate what they have.  It makes me sick.  It frustrates me, really.  But, I know I’m better for it.  And hopefully, those people can open their eyes without having to go through the shit I did.  Because of my experiences, I come across very harsh.  Short, jet-black hair (natural coloring), biker jackets, tattoos.  A lot of people judge me on this appearance.  They don’t realize it’s a defense mechanism.  World, please do me a favor and don’t judge me because I have tattoos or listen to heavy metal.  My tattoos are badges of honor, and I wear them proudly.  My heavy metal reflects how I feel, and empowers me, but so does opera and country and bagpipe music, and all the other music I listen to.  All music empowers me.  My music empowers me.  I empower me.  Part of that empowerment is caring & giving my power to others.  Empowering others comes in various forms, one of my favorites is caring for & nurturing others.  I do care  a lot, I am very compassionate.  I care about people and animals, because I know they are as fragile as I am.  Don’t confuse my kindness for weakness, though.  Because, I am strong, and don’t mess with me, because I’m not putting up with that same shit anymore.  Don’t tell me I don’t know what hard work is.  Walk in my shoes for 5 minutes (let alone 1 full mile), and you’ll appreciate what REAL hard work is.  Based on my appearance, I may seem odd.  At first, I may be different, but don’t judge me.  Take me for who I am.  Get to know the person (and reasons) behind the facade, then, and only then, can you judge me.  This is me world.  Now that you’ve seen what I’ve had to endure, you can understand me.  

I was gonna write some many things.  I’m not going to.  Just this…

To the world:  I’m a fucking human being!  Fragile: Handle with care!

I’ve been writing a bunch of entries like this & keeping them private.  Maybe it’s time I stop hiding.

Mike wants to take a step back.  Very bad for me.  If I do that, it means I’m gonna quit.  I don’t like that.  I’m also feeling terribly ignored & now he wants to spend less time with me.  Yeah, that hurt.  Since I couldn’t verbally explain my side, let me try writing it out.

Last Monday when I put my rat to sleep (I did the procedure myself), I wanted & needed him.  I spoke to him for all of 5 minutes.  He promised me he’d call when he got in from CT.  Never did.  I called at about 7 pm to find out he’s home & hanging out with his best friend (there’s nothing wrong in that, just a lack of consideration to at least let me know he’s ok).  He said he’d catch up with me on-line later.  Never did.  But I let it go.  Stuff came up…I was in college not too long ago myself.  Shit happens, I know.  So, even though I was disappointed, I understood & let it go.

This week he decides to become a Christian.  Ok, his choice.  I support him.  I have my reservations, but he’s happy & his happiness is most important to me.  He didn’t call, e-mail or IM to tell me.  I found out through Xanga.  He & discussed this tonight.  So, please know I’m not holding this against him, just relaying a series of events.  Anyhoo, it hurt that I was not part of this.  Not that he needed my permission or what have you for the decision, but I wanted to support him & congratulate him on it.

Tonight we talked.  I TRIED explaining to him that I understood & respected his new decisions as a Christian, but that I had certain needs (mainly reassurance) that I needed from him.  That turns into a whole mess of ugly…sex debates…trying to figure out if we’re on the same page, major miscommunications, etc.  NOT where I meant for it to go.  So, now he wants to take a step back & re-evaluate.  Well, if that doesn’t make me feel like shit I don’t know what does.  And to top it off, HE wants to step back.  I want/need him to be here, to spend time with him & talk, etc.  This was the kind of stuff I was trying to explain to him.  Why do my emotional needs get pushed back?  Why do I have to give up time with him when that only hurts me?  Maybe my perspective is off (and if it is, I would LOVE to be corrected), but it doesn’t seem fair to me.  He told me I give too much, that I’ve raised his eyebrows a couple of times.  Sorry, but I am who I am.  I give because I care.  I’m not going to change that.  And did I jump in with both feet?  Absolutely!  And again, that’s just me.  I refuse to change that about myself.  He thought that my expectations may be too high because of that.  Not really.  Not when I see what Lauren & Jeff, Dawn & Justin, my mom & Richard or my grandparents have.  They all have IDEAL relationships.  Granted, nothing is perfect.  But all are strong, solid, devoted relationships where it is truely 50-50.   He’s treated me extremely well & I appreciate that.  He means so much to me, yet I’m afraid that it’s going to be like all the others.  I don’t apologize for wearing my heart on my sleeve or letting him know where I stand.  He wants me to build up my confidence.  If only he had met me 2 years ago when I was REALLY pathetic.  I am strong in myself & I have goals for myself.  I can’t wait around forever, though.  I need to know where things stand.  Is he on board with me?  How does he feel about the possibility of my going out of the country to vet school?  Will he come with me?  I need to know, I need to plan.  I’m not trying to rush.  I’m in a very different place in life, I think.  And I think that is what might ruin this.  He’s beginning to find himself now: exploring Christianity, graduating college, etc.  I’ve been there, done that.  I’m reading to tackle the world.  Those are 2 very different places & I fear that may hurt us.  Honestly, I don’t want to let him go.  Maybe I do care too much, but he is an amazing person.  I respect & appreciate him.  It just feels right.  Is it me?  Am I sabotaging the best thing I’ve ever had?  Is it a sign that we were not meant to be?  Perish the thought…  I should be in bed right now…gotta get up in 5 hours for work…still need to shower, too.  My stomach has been killing me…Ulcer & IBD acting up BIG time.  I HATE confrontation.  It’s just not me.  And I hate the thought of this not working out.  I know I can’t force something that wasn’t meant to be.  As Lauren said tonight, I got a little taste of what a normal relationship should be & then the powers that be realized it & took it away, ’cause they don’t want me to have that.  I’m 24 years old….all my friends are married or getting married.  I’m sick of these fucking games.  If you like me, you’ll want to spend time with me & develop the relationship with me.  If I’m too over-bearing, or you don’t like the fact that I’m Pagan, just tell me.  I believe in honesty & I believe in ending something if it needs it rather than hurting BOTH parties involved.  This sucks…it’s killing me.  He means so much to me.  But I don’t mean as much to him.  Should I wait it out?  Can we both get what we want & need from this?  Sigh, I just don’t know what to do or think or say, except cry.  I’m really good at that    All I’ve ever wanted was respect & reciprocity (I think that’s a word…reciprocating, giving back & forth).  I would NEVER want to hurt him.  I like & respect him too much as a human being.  I think he’s gonna end this…it’s killing me.  I’m too much for him.  What the fuck is wrong with me?!  Damn it, I’m just a puppy who’s been kicked & beaten too much.  I have a lot to give someone, and now I find that that’s my downfall!  I can’t fucking win.  Maybe I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, but based on the way our conversation ended tonight…

Why the hell can’t or won’t anyone love me?  What is it about me?  What did I do or say?  Do I really deserve to constantly have my heart broken?  Who knows.  When I was married, I used to go around the house singing “My life sucks…..Yes, it does.”  It’s true.  When I was a kid, all I tried to do was please my dad.  I either got verbally abused & told I was a piece of shit or molested & told it was my fault & that I was a whore.  My marriage & my relationship with Vinny were both pretty similar to that.  All I’ve ever done is give & love & try to make others happy…Yet that’s somehow hurting my relationship with Mike.  I can’t keep doing this to myself, I really can’t.  I just don’t know anymore.  I know how I feel about him, I know that I want him in my life, I know what I want from life.  Outside of that, everything is just chaos.  My life tends to be a little melodramatic anyway (I hate that about myself, but it’s just my luck), and stuff like this DOES not help.  All I ever wanted was love & stability.  I thought I found it with him, but he doesn’t feel the way I do.  Flashbacks of Vinny & Jimmy….but he’s not like them.  To put them in the same sentence is a huge insult to Mike, and I don’t mean it that way.  But I can’t keep giving myself (emotionally) to people if they’re not going to give that back.  But, as I said before, maybe I should just give him time.  I don’t know.  I honestly don’t know any more.  I’m dying, physically & emotionally.  That I do know. 

Ok…I figured if I wrie this here then no one can bother me about it    I’m going to explain how & why I became Wiccan & what I believe & why I believe it.

Yes, I was a Christian, for about 9 years.  When I was married, my (now ex-) husband told me that he didn’t want to go to chrurch, and that if I went without him (which was what I wanted to do) that meant I was sleeping with our pastor.  So, that was the end of church for me.  When I was leaving him, and homeless for 2 weeks, trying to hide as he stalked me and had me fearing for my life, staying in women’s shelters, my animal hospital, friends’ houses…anywhere I could stay…that made me lose all faith.  But it’s hard to go from “born-again” to athiest.  So, I kinda took the wimpy way out & lived as an agnostic for a while.  Then I started working at Basic Pet Care.  I met Diane, a licensed tech, and a witch.  She introduced me to her coven.  They were bright, beautiful women.  I truely enjoyed their company.  They were intellectual & kind in all that they did.  The more time I spent with the, the more at home I felt.  They said what I felt.  What I believed or thought matched them…I wasn’t “stupid” for feeling energy coming from a stone.  Instead, they taught me that the world is full of energy, that everything: animals, trees, rocks, plants, everything has an energy to it.  It just made sense.  On an intellectual level, it was right.  There was nothing emotional about it.  It was an educated decision.  One of the women in the coven took me under her wing & told me authors to read, taught me how to cast a spell, etc.  I no longer speak to her for a few reasons, but she was a good teacher.  Since then, I have been on my own.

All of my spells work.  If that isn’t proof enough, I don’t know what is.  But, what I like about Wicca is the connection to animals & the Earth.  It tells me to think & feel & believe anything & everything I want to.  It doesn’t go for that “herd” mentality…Free thinking is applauded!  So long as I harm none, I can do whatever I want.  It’s ok for me to believe that there is no creation without male & female: God & Goddess.  Most Wiccans believe that, but some just believe in Goddess.  It doesn’t matter!  I like the fact that the power is in me, not some angry diety who floods the earth for 40 days ’cause he’s pissed off.  I can control my situations (financial, romantic, future, whatever).  I do believe in fate, but I also believe I can help it, enhance it or enhance myself.  My spells are to better myself or someone in my life.  It’s always to help, never to hurt.  I don’t believe in converting others, either.  That to me is hurtful.  Everyone needs to be comfortable with their own beliefs & leave others alone.  To each his/her own. 

But Wicca is also rooted in history.  Look at every ancient culture, look at matriarchial cultures: China, Japan, Egypt, Native American Tribes, Greece, Mexico, Rome, Celtic cultures, Druids….Wicca is in all of them, all of them are in Wicca.  All of these cultures believed in energy, communing with Earth & animals.  Incense, rituals, following the moon, the cycles of seasons, pyramids…These are all part of ancient & modern Witchcraft.  Not to come off bitchy, but Christianity only has one base: the Bible.  Everything stems from there.  Wicca is so diverse…our history goes back to the first civilizations.  Every ancient culture practiced some kind of witchcraft: celebrating the solstaces, following patterns of the stars & moon, respecting animals as living beings, etc.  And, (no offense), our calendar & rituals/holidays were around before the Christian calendar was.  It’s actually kind of, since Christian holidays are on or around Pagan holidays.  Kinda makes you think….

Listen, I apologize.  I’m NOT trying to come across as super-bitch.  But from a historical, intellectual perspective, there is a much more solid basis & hisyory of Wicca.  I’m not saying Christianity is wrong.  It’s just wrong for me.  But I believe religion should be an intellectual decision, not an emotional one.  Besides religion, I’ve made MANY decisions based on emotion & they were almost all wrong/hurtful (to myself or others).  You need to THINK, research & FULLY understand what your religion or religious beliefs tell you.  For example, Christianity condemns divorce.  It says you can only get married once, and that once you’re married, you’re married in God’s eyes forver.  And if you re-marry, you’re an adulterer.  So, your god wants me to stay with an abusive pediphilic monster?!  No thank you.  My Goddess & God know that it was a mistake, but don’t hold it against me.  Christianity tells me that the devil made my father molest me.  Then man was in his 40′s at the time.  No one persuaded him to fuck his little girl.  HE chose to do that.  At least Wicca tells me that my dad is a sick man, and that there are many people like that.  He made his decision, nothing influenced him, and yes it sucks, but oh well.  THAT means a lot.

I know this is rather discombobulated, and for that I do apologise.  I’m hoping it gives somewhat of a background of my beliefs.  I do hope I didn’t come across bitchy.  I didn’t mean to, it’s just that I do have some anger towards the judgemental mentality I came across in Christianity.  Again, it’s not that Christianity is wrong.  It’s just wrong for me.  I do believe that everyone should believe whatever they want, just don’t harm anyone & respect other’s beliefs, don’t try to change them if they’re happy with their current belief system.  Well, I think this is long & retarded enough    Have fun trying to get through this! 

Nynies came back today (from the crematory).   I’m so happy to have her back, but it still hurts, it reminds me that she will never climb on my shoulder again, or peer out of her home, or grab food out of my hand or give kisses.  I miss her like hell, I really do.  And I still blame myself for everything.  It’s going to be a long time before I find resolution within myself.  But, it reinforces my wishes for myself once I pass.  If I can, I want to be an organ donor (you need to be on the verge of death, or dead within an hour or so in order for your organs to be used), and then I want to be cremated.  I want my ashes mixed with the ashes of all my pets (I want us all to be together) & I want us all scattered out at sea.  It’s important for me to reunite with my animals & then return to the water (I believe all life stems from the ocean).

I am ready to pass, not that I have a death wish, but I feel prepared.  I don’t have any regrets.  I’m ready to face whatever fate awaits me.  I am at peace with myself, my life, and the unknown.  So, soon enough, Ny & I will be reunited.  I just need to be patient. 

I truely believe in telling people how much they mean to you.  I’ve lost too many people that never knew how loved they were.  I’m trying desperately not to let that happen again.  Many people see that as a weakness & try to walk all over me for it.  I give because I care.  I give all of myself: my heart & soul, emotionally, physically, monetarily…every facet of my life.  So many people have taken advantage of that.  Numerous people have used my goodness & generosity.  They take & take & take & don’t give back.  I’ve been put in the back seat by so many people.  It hurts not being respected as a person.  Not being taken seriously because I give of myself.  It’s not easy.  It hurts like hell when it’s not reciprocated, but it’s still worth it.  No, I don’t like being treated like shit.  And to be quite honest, I’m not going to take it any more.  If you disrespect me, if you don’t value me as a person, you’re out of my life.  I play second fiddle to none.  However, if I invite you into my life, if I’m going to love you (romantic, pletonic, otherwise), I’m still going to do it whole-heartedly.  I don’t do anything half-assed, that includes loving people.  I know it will come back to me.  No matter how many times people use & abuse me, no matter how many people shove me on the back burner until I’m “useful” to them again, no matter what, all the love & generosity will come back to me.  I believe in Karma.  I’ve seen it happen.  A day will come when I will be loved & appreciated & respected for all that I am & all that I do.  It sucks waiting for it, but I have learned good things truely come to those who wait.  And I will be a better person if I learn patience.  My day will come when my love is reciprocated.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I refuse to change that.  It’s a major part of who I am as a person, and I’m not going to give that up because of some assholes I’ve encountered in my day.  Instead, I’m going to be strong & prove to them that what I give & do, and who I am can be appreciated & respected & loved unconditionally.  I don’t know how long that will take, but I don’t care.  In the mean while, to all the people in my life: I love you & I’m not sorry or ashamed of it.      :)

I watched Dr. Phil today because it touched on a subject that’s important to me (and my best friend, Lauren).  It was Stay-At-Home Moms Vs. Working Moms.  I can see both sides of this arguement.  Lauren is a stay at home mom.  She’s thrilled….this is what she’s always wanted.  I’m happy for her.  She feel fulfilled, and that’s all I’d ever want for her.  I, personally, am very career driven.  I just want to work & do my work well.  But, if I was ever to become a mother (either naturally or by adoption), I wouldn’t want day care or some “stranger” raising my child(ren).  If I was ever in that predicament, I wouldn’t go back to work until my child(ren) was/were in school & I could work during school hours.  Not only do I want to be successful in my career, but I also feel it’s unfair to put all the expectation on the man to provide for EVERYONE.  That’s a huge burden & you can’t expect or demand that from anyone.  It’s just not right.  If you can afford to & you WANT to stay home, then stay home!  Kudos to you for being able to do that.  But don’t judge a woman who has to work in order to provide the best for her children.  By the same token, being a stay at home mom is EXTREMELY difficult work & working mothers need to realize that they’re not sitting at home eating bon-bons all day.  It’s no one’s place to judge another’s deciosion.  There are many factors that go into a decision like that & it’s important to understand & respect that.

The most important thing, no matter what your decision is, is to be an active parent.  Take an active role in your child’s life.  Love & support them in all that they do.  Do things with them, take them places.  Learn with them.  It’s so important that children have a warm, loving, stable, comforting environment.  It’s not about the material things you give them, but the love, support & nurturing you provide.  All of that, including an education in responsibility, morals, independence, etc. are what are going to carry that child far.  Those are the tools he or she will use in the real world.  Spoiling them does not equal loving them.  Give them what they need, help them to learn & grow on their own & watch them bloom. 

I don’t think this is a debate that can or will be resolved.  So long as the children don’t suffer, either choice is a good choice.

Yes, I’m posting again    I just cast a spell, and as a part of my ritual, I consulted my oracle.  It’s like an animal based tarot card deck.  It’s not fortune telling…it’s great for guidance & learning about myself.  I did a basic 5-card spread (think pentacle; self, intelligence, sexuality, emotional, intuitive).  My reading was amazing, and I just could not keep it to myself.

Card 1: Self – Salmon.  Wisdom, inspiration, rejuvenation.  It told me to go back to my origin, but also to renew myself, to grow in wisdom, as a person.  To be young and full of inspiration.  To be open minded to all possibilities like a child, instead of hard, and having “strong-headed determination.”

Card 2: Intelligence – Air Dragon (reverse).  Inspiration, insight, vitality.  Having drawn the card reversed (up side-down) meant that I was trapping myself into a certain mind frame.  A lot of Christians have come into my life recently, and I kept pulling away.  “I’m a pagan,” I separated myself.  Now I see that being separatist as a pagan can be extremely harmful too.  I need to take the best from all worlds.

Card 3: Sexuality – Eagle.  Intelligence, renewal, courage.  Clarity in making decisions.  Purpose and courage, patience, strength to venture into “new” territory.  “The eagle, when accepted, will also show you the way to renew and rejuvenate yourself, by demonstrating the art of plunging – at just the right moment – into the lake of the heart.”  This helped me to see that when the time is right, I can learn that love-making can be a beautiful exchange between two people.

Card 4: Emotional – Adder (snake).  Transformation, healing, life energy.  Basically, this card represents emotionally healing & dealings with the other world.  It brings me comfort in the death of Nyako.  It is a positive, healing animal.

Card 5: Intuitive – Cat.  Guardianship, detatchment, sensuality.  This talks about waiting & watching.  Moving at the right time.  Integrating my awarness of the spirit world & sensuality…to have all my worlds blend.  It focuses on awareness & sensitivity.

Amazingly enough, my spell was to help me become a better person.  To grow, learn, give more of myself, become stronger, more stable, etc.  This oracle was a great first step.  I am so blessed.  I am aware of the beauty & love I have in all my friends, family, loved ones, etc.  All the people in my life are so special.  It is my time to give back to them.  I love them all.  My boyfriends, my friends & family have been so wonderful & giving of themselves, supportive, etc.  Now, it’s my turn to give that back to them.  I am truely blessed to have each & everyone, I appreciate & love them all.  Now I’m going to show them that.

Sigh…it has been a LONG day.  So much going through my head…Major/interssting surgeries, critical cases, how hungry I am    LOL…I was deabating on what I should post about.  My beliefs on equality, my issues with the Hispanic culture I grew up with, my “religious” beliefs….  Hmmm…I still can’t decide.  I’m not even sure if I’m hungry or not    It’s been so long since I ate, my stomach is eating away at itself    lol  Well, let me not go controversial, because it will require thinking    Let me discuss my tattoos & their meanings.  Something I’ve always wanted to tell my mom, but I can’t…it’s a sensitive subject for her for some reason.  So, anyway, here we go…

#1 – the cross on my right ankle…From when I was a Christian. It was my way of thanking God for “helping” me to walk, and eventually dance.  Now, it will be a memorial tattoo for my grandfather.  His initials (the only person’s initials or name I will ever tattoo on myself) & his date of birth & date of passing will be on it.  It’s one of the highest honors you can give someone, tatto yourself for them.  And he is my everything.

#2 – the purple dragon on my right arm.  With his wilting flower, and day-dreaming look, he represents my innocence lost.  He is my childhood.  But I don’t see him in a bad light.  Instead, now as an adult, I want to nurture & protect him.

#3 – Anubis on my left arm.  I got him because I wanted an animal tattoo, and I wanted something that was intimidating & representative of endurance.  If an ancient Egyptian Jackal god isn’t just that, I don’t know what is.  The ironic thing is, as a kid, I LOVED reading about ancient Egypt & Anubis was my favorite god.  But I never thought of him until I saw the flash on the rack.  Now, as a Wiccan, he is one of my dieties, something very important to me.

#4 – The veterinary cadecsus on my neck.  What can I say?  I love my job! :)

#5 & 6 - the Asian symbols on my right ankle on either side of the cross.  The one on the left means “Beast.”  The other means “Soldier.”  Beast, first.  One of my favorite songs is a Rammstein song entitled, “Tier” (German for beast).  I always liked the song, then once I learned what the lyrics meant, it became my theme song.  It’s about a girl who is molested by her father.  She kills him & writes out the story in his blood.  Now, granted, I’m not THAT violent, but there is some comfort in a song written about a survivor.  It represented my anger angainst my father.  Now that I’m healed, it’s just a reminded of how far I’ve come & all that I’ve endured: I am strong.  Soldier is because of how much I wanted to join the military & be a soldier.  Now, I realize I don’t have to wear fatigues to be a soldier.  I am my own soldier, my own army.

#7 – The tribal on my left calf.  I got it when I was in a rebellious mood, and with the girl who taught me witchcraft.  But, it reminds me of magick, of all things swirling together to create a force.  The blue was from when I got my car (my first new car & it’s blue).  Blue is one of my colors, and it has many positive energies about it.  So, that’s kind of a Wiccan tattoo 

#8 – The sword on my back that says “Death Before Dishonor.”  Again, going back to my desire to be in the military.  Also, a motto I live by.  I would rather die than compromise my morals or ethics.  THAT to me is dishonorable, and I could not live with myself.  It reminds me to think before I act, to hold myself to a higher standard.

# 9 & 10 – The sun with Tobar’s (my bird) face on my right thigh & the moon with Nyako (my now deceased rat) playing on my left thigh.  I wanted something that represented Wicca.  To represent the masculine & feminine in all.  Also, since they’re my familiars, it is important to have them be a part of it.  Nyako, like the moon, was gentle & quiet.  Tobar, like the sun, is warm & boystrous.  It all blends together…it’s a witchy & motherly thing 

#11 – The waxwing sitting on the sword on my back.  That is my memorial tattoo to Keith Doug, my friend who died this summer.  Waxwings represent gentleness in spirit, which Doug was.  The crest (on the bird) represents high knowledge, which he has obtained since his passing.  He is still with me, now physically besides in spirit.  I put it on top of the sword because Doug always felt that I was above him for some reason.  I put “him” on top of “me” (the sword) to show him that no, he is not beneath me, he never was.  Instead, he is the better person, he is ABOVE me.

#12  – coming soon!    A beautiful water piece.  I believe that water is the origin of all life.  It will represent Motherhood & Goddess, as well as cover some hideous scars.  I will be adding a Celtic symbol which looks like crashing waves.  I saw this symbol in Scotland & have some kind of connection to it (Karmic, past life, who knows?!).  Finally, there will be two dolphins creating a circle with a ying-yang in the center.  I love dolphins & adored my work with marine mammals.  I do agree with the ying-yang that the is good & bad, light & dark in all.  This’ll be a biggie…2 sittings at least (depending on how I take the pain), and lots o’ money will be spent on this one    To be created Dec. 10 & 23. 

And then I retire    Personally, I don’t believe in getting tattoos because they’re trendy.  If I have to live with them for the rest of my life, then they’d better mean something!  And mine do.  They are a reflection of who I am.  They also gave me a HUGE boost in myself-esteem.  I used to not be able to look at myself in the mirror…too disgusted with what I saw.  Now that I have works of art on me, I can look at myself & see beautiful parts of me.  It’s hard to explain, but it really does make you feel beautiful.