November 24, 2003

• Well, I'm finally back....something happened to the cable line outside my apartment building, and now I'm back to the land of the cyber-living.  What follows is something I've wanted to write since last week, so here we go...

  
  

  I confuse people.  How the hell can you be a bad-ass biker chic and go to the NYC Ballet?  How can you be a tom-boy and be girlie at the same time?  I don't feel like pinning myself to one definition.  When I was in Michigan, and lost all work as a dance instructor, I promised myself not to close myself in, to leave all doors open for employment.  I've followed through with that in every facet of my life.  I do love everything... I love to learn and be challenged and to grow as a person.  I firmly believe that one's life experiences have a huge impact on their personalities, good and bad.  That has caused me to be compassionate: never wanting to hurt another the way I've been hurt, and tough as nails: stronger than ever & not going back to those hurtful places.  A lot of things touch me in a lot of ways, mainly because of all my experiences.  Yes, I am only 24, but I've lived more in those 24 years than some people twice my age.    Here is a "brief" explanation of how I got this way:

  
  

  I was born with a neuromuscular disease.  The MDA payed for my tests, treatments & occupational therapy when I was a kid.  I wasn't supposed to walk.  At 2 years old, determined to prove those doctors wrong, I walked.  Then I ran.  I rode horses, danced, and did everything.  I've just been behind everyone & have had to compensate.  My body had to teach itself equilibrium.  I had to create a sense of depth perception.  I would love to know what it's like to have depth perception, even if only for 5 minutes...        The same applied to a lot of things, even music.  I was born tone deaf.  But coming from a musical family & wanting to do theatre in high school, I took voice lessons.  I can't read music, so i was forced to learn by ear.  It wasn't easy, but I learned belle canto (opera technique) and now I sing pretty well.  No matter what I was doing, I always had to push myself.  I had to ride longer, dance harder, do more just to try to keep up with my peers.  It may have come a lot easier to them, but I'm the better person because I appreciate how far I've come.  From not being able to walk to teaching my own mother how to tap dance...

  
  

  My father was a monster, in many ways.  In front of my family, he'd tell me I was worthless, not as important because I wasn't a boy.  That I'd never amount to anything.  Then at night, after raping me at the ripe old age of 5, he'd tell me I was a whore and that it was my fault he did what he did.  I heard that for 7 years.  7 goddamn years!  I'll never forget the last time he tried to touch me....that I remember vividly.  He, my brother & I had dinner at his apartment (this was soon after my parents divorced).  After dinner, Bryan went into the other room to play videogames.  My dad suggested that he & I snuggled on his bed.  I thought it was odd, but ok...I wanted him to accept me, so I agreed.  I layed down, but then he asked me to get up, so he could lay down first.  So, I did.  I was on top of my father.  He moved my hand his his crotch (I was 12, post-puberty & VERY cognisant of things like that, so it was not voluntary).  Then he took his hand and began to run his hand on my back under my shirt, working towards my bra.  I jumped.  I shot off him like a bullet & ran to watch Bryan.  The good part of that was that I put all of my weight on the hand on my father's crotch, so at least he felt some pain for it.  He dicked around with money issues, and a lot of other stuff.  He was a very selfish person in so many respects, to many to list here.  Eventually, he & I had a huge falling out, spoke on & off intermittantly & finally cut off all communication.

  
  

  At 14, I met someone on-line.  He was 11 years older than me.  We talked as friends for about 3 years, then the "relationship" changed.  I ended up marrying him when I was 19.  He promised me the world, that he would protect me from my father, that he would never hurt me.  And, he loved me.  I believed him.  Why would he lie?  The evening of our wedding, after the reception, I knew something was off.  He changed.  That was the beginning of the end.  He'd take all our money (wedding money, my paychecks, etc) & spend it.  He knew I was going through some very difficult therapy (to resolve the issues about my father), but he'd force himself on me & not care about the physical or emotional pain he caused.  He told me that a wedding ring meant I couldn't say no.  He'd rape me, then go into the shower to get ready for work.  After pulling myself together, trying to gain back some form of dignity, I'd go into the bathroom to get dressed for work myself, only to find him masturbating in the shower.  So, I was humiliated two times over.  I finally decided to get away from him (because of a dog, but that's an even longer story), and he stalked me.  He stalked my co-workers.  I was driving around a state where I had no idea where I was going.  I was driving a pick-up with a special paint job & vanity plates trying to hide.  Finding shelter at work, or co-workers' homes, and even at a women's shelter.  I feared for my life.  I was 20 years old, lost, cold (it was February in Michigan), alone.  But I got myself through it.  Somehow I survived.  It was hard, but I prevailed.  I lost my job & my truck (because of him) and got a restraining order against him all on valentine's day.  The next day, my mother flew in to Detroit, I drove across the state, and then we came back to NY together.  After coming home, I found that to top it all off, he got us into about $30,000 in debt.  Thanks to my family & an amazing lawyer, we got that cleared up.  And so, I started my new life...

  
  

  4 months later, I met Vinny.  A hot biker guy actually wanted to hang out with me!  Major ego boost.  I gave him my all.  I wanted him to love me, I wanted that life-style.  I did everything to blend in with him & the guys, to gain his acceptance.  So, I smoked pot with him, I drank with him...I was very self-destructive, hoping it would make him love me.  I thought I was happy.  Hiding from cops, getting into bar fights, watching people get killed, living the "fast" life....It was scary as hell.  I was always relieved when I heard the bike or truck pull up in the morning, cause I knew he was still alive.  And he used me.  Christ, did he use me!  He used me and my car any money and my love....Anything he wanted he got.  He lived at my expense, a year and a half later, and a threat of losing my best friend because she was sick of me calling her crying because of him, I left.  I cut him off.  I moved out, got my own place, and eventually cut the ties.  I stupidly tried to keep him in my life as a friend, but he told everyone I cheated on him & left him for another guy.  I called him on it on Christmas Eve.  He cried after our phone conversation where I hung up on him.

  
  

  Not long after that, I gave myself to Jimmy, a dear friend of mine.  We messed around, but he knew I wasn't the type to do that with just anyone.  And even though he instigated, he suddenly felt that he was not attracted to me.  I wished so hard (at that point) that I had undergone the African female circumcision, because maybe my life would have turned out better.  My heart was doubly crushed because I really wasn't over Vinny, and then Jimmy rejected me, too.  My soul was crushed...I never hurt so much in my life.

  
  

  I spent the past 2 years alone.  I've had a lot of people come in & out of my life in those 2 years....most used me until I asked for something in return.  I've done so much for so many, and few have returned the favor.  But after all that, I am stronger and better than all of them.  I got myself through a lot of shit.  It was extremely difficult, but, I have endured.  I am strong.  I may not have many friends now, but the ones I do have are true blessings...they've given me so much.  My family has stuck by me through thick & thin....I am at such a good place in my life now....the people in my life are amazing.  Even my current love interest in an amazing guy.  I may seem bitter, but I'm past the hurt...I do get angry by spoiled people, mainly because I've had to work so damn hard for what I have.  I deserve all that is around me, and those spoiled, selfish, greedy people don't appreciate what they have.  It makes me sick.  It frustrates me, really.  But, I know I'm better for it.  And hopefully, those people can open their eyes without having to go through the shit I did.  Because of my experiences, I come across very harsh.  Short, jet-black hair (natural coloring), biker jackets, tattoos.  A lot of people judge me on this appearance.  They don't realize it's a defense mechanism.  World, please do me a favor and don't judge me because I have tattoos or listen to heavy metal.  My tattoos are badges of honor, and I wear them proudly.  My heavy metal reflects how I feel, and empowers me, but so does opera and country and bagpipe music, and all the other music I listen to.  All music empowers me.  My music empowers me.  I empower me.  Part of that empowerment is caring & giving my power to others.  Empowering others comes in various forms, one of my favorites is caring for & nurturing others.  I do care  a lot, I am very compassionate.  I care about people and animals, because I know they are as fragile as I am.  Don't confuse my kindness for weakness, though.  Because, I am strong, and don't mess with me, because I'm not putting up with that same shit anymore.  Don't tell me I don't know what hard work is.  Walk in my shoes for 5 minutes (let alone 1 full mile), and you'll appreciate what REAL hard work is.  Based on my appearance, I may seem odd.  At first, I may be different, but don't judge me.  Take me for who I am.  Get to know the person (and reasons) behind the facade, then, and only then, can you judge me.  This is me world.  Now that you've seen what I've had to endure, you can understand me.  

  • 4:05 pm
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