December 9, 2003

• Goddamn it!  I can't fucking take take this shit.  I'm sitting here, crying.  I can't win, I just can't fucking win.

  
  

  I can't do this back & forth shit anymore.  One day, Mike has me thinking everything is gonna work out, that he's dedicated to me, that he'll compromise & put in an effort for me, then shit like tonight happens.  And it's not the first time.

  
  

  I've compromised so much...I've worked & bent over backwards & kept my mouth shut through this whole fucking thing, and I thought it was worth it.  I thought that somehow we could make this work, if he put in as much as I did, we should be fine.  But he hasn't, he won't.  He said once that he wouldn't give up without a fight.  Where/how are you fighting for me?  Where is the equal consideration for me & my faith?!

  
  

  I've always said as a Wiccan, that to each their own & I respect that, just don't force anything on me.  And I've tried.  I'm not a patient person, but I tried my best.  I sat here & watched him go from agnostic (acknowledging a god) to born again.  I kept my pagan mouth shut.  I said nothing.  In fact, I supported him, and answered questions for him (I used to be a Christian), and talked with him & told him I'd go to his baptism.  I also told him he didn't have to go to Beltane or any other Pagan festival, or see/take part in any spells I cast, etc.  If that isn't respectful, I don't know what is.

  
  

  But where is it getting reciprocated?  Oh, he can't because that'll turn him from god!  FUCK THAT!  What about common human decency?  What about treating me like a fucking human being?!  What about treating me based on the way I treat you?!  How the fuck do you know your god is the only god?  You read the Bible?  Good for you.  You cannot make a truly informed decision without reading EVERY holy book & meeting the creator him/herself!  But saying what I say (that there is more than one way to heaven) is sinful & hurtful.  Ya know what, I don't like your god.  Your god restricts you.  Your god separates you from others, you use him as an excuse to separate yourself, put up boundaries, etc.  Your god will send me to hell because I'm divorced, tattooed, bi-sexual, have a mouth like a sailor, am not a virgin, and am pagan.  Nice, loving diety ya got there.  What about judging me on my strength, compassion & humanity?  That's what my Goddess & God judge me on.  They know this is an imperfect world & I am not a perfect person, but they know my heart & motives, and my judgement is based on that. 

  
  

  I can't fucking win.  My ex-husband & Vinny abuse me, Mike is using religion as an excuse.  Yes, it IS an excuse.  You can be a Christian & fucking think for yourself!  I've met people like that.  They understand the beauty of what Christianity is, but they don't pass judgement on schmucks like me.  They live in modern times & don't let the church or other christians influence them.  They know you cannot take the Bible literally.

  
  

  All this is heresy, I know.  Don't worry, I'm not only going to hell, I'm driving the bus.  But before you get pissed off at me, Mike, think about where I'm coming from for one fucking second.  Can you do that, empathise?  I can, and I do.  And I have been empathising for you all this time.  Now it's role reversal time.

  
  

  Think about all the bullshit I've been through.  Trying being homeless for 2 weeks in a state where you don't know anyone & your life is in danger b/c you're being stalked.  Trying being raped/used by every man that comes into your life starting at age 5.  5!  What were you doing when you were 5?  Playing with Legos?!  Lucky.  Don't you get it?  I've given & given & given to EVERYONE, including you!  I tried to make people happy, I've given physically, emotionally, spirituslly, intellectually, monetarily...  I have sacrificed so much, just to make you happy, because that's what you do in a relationship.  But when the fuck is it my turn?  When will someone give to me?  When will I be on the receiving end?  This hurts so goddamn much.  I've talked to everyone about it & I get mixed reviews.  Lauren, Dawn & Kari are PISSED.  They think I should end it.  My family loves him & is telling me to be patient.  Which the fuck is it?!  Maybe if you could be decent enough to meet me half way, or to show that same amount of respect on a different subject I'd have something to hold onto & say, yes, this can work.  But you can't "waiver" in your faith.  And if you do, it's just Satan working thru me to pull you away.  Right.  It couldn't possibly have anything to do with ME!  Did I not write the other day that both people in the relationship should put the other first?  I put you first, but clearly I'm not first for you.  Thanks.

  
  

  I am so fucking hurt & frustrated.  I've never been truly loved or accepted, and it certainly doesn't look like I'm gonna be.  I give because I believe it will come back to me.  Stupidly, I am still hopeful it will.  To say this hurts is an understatement.  I hope you're fucking happy, cause I sure as hell ain't.  I won't be the first person you go thru this with, either.  Right now you're hearing b/c it's your faith, you must suffer since Christ suffered, and we are just lost souls who don't get it.  Maybe, hopefully, in a couple of years you'll see & know what I see & know.

  
  

  Ball's in your court.  You think about ME & all that I've done & all that I am & stand for.  But I will tell you this: I'm not doing anymore one sided relationships like I've done in the past.  If you can't or won't compromise for me, you're telling me I'm not worth it, and I WILL walk away.  Go ahead & pray about it.  Pray about your hurt, pagan girlfriend.  Have you ever thought about just making your own decision based on you, me & us?  Think about that.

  
  

  Hope you're having fun watching the movie.  I'm here alone, crying. 

  • 11:30 pm
  • 6 Comments