December 14, 2003

• Well, today was interesting...  Number one on everyone's list was the capture of Saddam Hussein.  Wohoo!  Although he is not the only monster we're after, at least we caught the bastard!

  
  

  I had a few interesting things/thoughts today, but something struck me as I drove home from my family tonight.  I've still been REALLY confused about the whole Stephen thing.  I love him so much, but in a pletonic way.  Although we could talk endlessly, I never thought anything more of our friendship due to the severe age difference & a lack of attraction.  But his asking me out has really thrown me for a loop.  I found myself asking myself so many questions & taking different perspectives on the situation.  The bottom-line is I am too creeped out to persue a romantic relationship with someone who is old enough to be my father.  But I found myself worrying about how he'd take that.  I'd never want to hurt him, he is too important to me.  I considered putting his needs/wants/fantasies before me and my morals.  I KNOW i shouldn't do that.  Damn my crazy up-bringing    It really was ingrained into me to put others & their needs before myself.  And I know find that I cannot understand how to be a giving person & still look out for myself.  Where is that balance?  How do you achieve that balance?  How do I let Stephen down gently?  We'll talk, and hopefully it will turn out well.  It would be too weird, though, if we hit a rough patch or got involved in something that crosses too many incorrect boundaries.  Either way would throw off a delicate balance, a beautiful friendship that we enjoy right now.  Assuming I get on, I'll have the show to help me find people.  Sigh....I don't want to hurt him or ruin what we currently have, and I just don't know how he'd react to this.  If he values me as much as I do him, he'll understand.  Well, that's how it's supposed to happen, right?

  • 9:58 pm
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