I am proud of myself    I got ALMOST everything done today.  All I have to do is write a few cards, pack up some stuff & make sure I have everything set for tomorrow.  And it didn’t take me long, either.  Which is great considering all the driving I had to do.  It feels good to get so much done.  Between all the cleaning & organizing I did on Saturday, and getting this done today, I don’t feel like such a lazy lard-ass 

I bought a rose for Lynn, Kelly & Stephen.  Lynn is getting a purple rose, Kelly is getting pink & Stephen is getting red (Big Grin)    I attatched a beautiful saying & a Border’s gift card to each.  I’m going to write a card to all 3 for the shop.  I’m so excited.  It’ll be so nice.  They are such great people.  I’m going to get there early so Dawn & the gang don’t see me give these gifts & possibly have Stephen kiss me….I don’t need to hear any shit right now….

I called Pam today.  She & I are getting together on Wednesday.  Yea!  I’m excited.  I told her she HAD to see my breasts.  She didn’t object.  LMAO!    She’s excited for me.  She said that I should send a picture of  the tattooed boobs to Mike.  LOL.  She is so funny.  I can’t wait to see her.  She may have a date tonight, I hope so for her sake.  She’s been really excited about this woman for a long time, so I hope they do get together tonight.  I’m dying to hear how it goes.  I am so thankful she came into my life.  She is another wonderful blessing to me.

I haven’t heard from Stephen yet    I know he’ll call, he had a bunch of stuff to do.  I just can’t get enough of him.  I don’t know what we are or where we’re going, but I’ve always loved spending time with him, even before “this.”  Now, I feel the same way, just more intensely.  I have to get some stuff ready for his spell soon.  I also need to look up ways of celebrating Yule for tonight.  I need something simple & easy.  I bought a book on Celtic & Druidic magick today.  It’s a HUGE book, but I’m excited.  I’ve wanted to get into Celtic magick for a while & I think this book will be a great resource.  I have lots o’ reading ahead of me    Akhenaten is sitting here in my lap, purring away, just looking up at me.  God, I love her!

Well, I guess that’s it for now    I’m off to read & research for all my Yule events 

Pardon me tonight, I’m a little sick.  I ate & it was too my for my stupid GI system.  I hate these stupid problems.  I know it could be much worse & for that I am very greatful.  But this really sucks.  I LOVE food 7 i can’t appreciate it the way I used to.  My poor friends & family have to go out of their way to accomodate me & I hate that.  I also hate that I can’t eat salads, etc.  I can, but not as much as I like.  I can deal with my morning routine, I’m used to that by now.  But it sucks, because my stomach bothers me at least once a day.  I just want to feel “normal.”  For Christ’s sake, I ONLY ate dinner tonight & found myself dry-heaving in my grandparents’ bathroom.  That kind of stuff kills me.  I’m not going to sit here & whine & say it’s not fair.  I’m just gonna say it sucks, big time.  Oh well…   Enough of my whining 

Tomorrow is Yule!  Yea!  I may go out to Orient Point to celebrate a little.  I’m also going to cast a spell for Stephen, I figured tomorrow would be the perfect day.  So, happy Winter Solstice/Yule!  Being the shortest day, it is the embodiment of God, masculinity.  From here on out, the days will get progressively longer, a sign of life returning.  Of the life created by God & Goddess.  Even though I’ve been a witch for a couple of years, I think this is the best Yule ever: I’ve never been so excited. 

Heather, I’m glad I could clarify the oracle.  When I read that you were confused, I felt so bad!  I didn’t want to confuse you or make you feel any kind of pressure or what have you.  I’m happy that I was able to at least explain that & take away your confusion    Your dream was VERY odd    I’m honored you dreamt about me, so, Thank you!    It sounds interesting & pleasant (which is always good)    I’m actually going to a book storte tomorrow, so I’ll try to find a dream interprtation book & look it up.  If I find anything, I’ll let you know    Good luck getting thru your last 2 days before the big vacation    I hope for your sake that these days fly.  Have a wonderful, relaxing, enjoyable vacation!  You deserve the best!  As for the pictures, no need to worry.  The pics for the studio won’t have my face, but the pics that he & I are taking for me, will have my face.  I want to do a whole myriad of styles/pictures.  I want some to be sexy, some to be just the ink, some to be artistic.  I have a couple of ideas.  For example, to get the tribal on my left calf & the one of Nyako on my left thigh, I was thinking of a picture of my left leg in ballet (turned-out) passe (left foot by right knee, making a triangle-shape), so you get both tats, an interesting shape & movement.  I trust Stephen, and I think these pictures are going to be great.

I saw him (stephen) today & as usual, it was great.  We went out on a nature walk & despite the cold, it was beautiful.  We saw a red-tailed hawk (I have one in my totem, she watches over me), we saw some kind of falcon, a bunch of mallard duck pairs.  It was great!  We talk about anything & everything & never run of out things to discuss.  Lynn & Kelly are sending him to Mexico so he can shoot pictures of the Monarch Butterfly migration in 3 weeks.  He was crying & speechless on the phone last night.  I am so excited for him.  This is something he’s always wanted to do & this gift is overwhelming for him.  He deserves it, though.  I am thrilled for him    He kept apologizing for not calling me sooner & I told him that he shouldn’t apologize.  He told me they were going to exchange gifts & that it was important, and of course when I heard what they did for him, I understood even more.  He asked me if I was always that understanding.  I told him I try to be    Then, jokingly, he asked about marriage.  I told him it was too soon.  He asked if we need to hang out at least one more time & I said yes    He is too funny    He is so excited & nervous & flabberghasted about this trip.  He’s overwhlemed because he hasn’t been treated like this before.  He deserves it.  He is such a sweet, wonderful, soul.  No matter what does or does not happen between us, I am very blessed to have him in my life.

Well, I’m off…I should play with both the kitten & the bird before I hit the hay.  Good night for now, and happy Yule! 

Ok, to start off, lemme explain the oracle…

I’m not sure if it’s in the Cunningham book or not, H.  It’s not essential to witchcraft at all.  It’s just something I bought for myself.  It’s like a deck of tarot cards, but it doesn’t necessarily predict the future.  I use it for guidance & insight into a situation, the direction my life is headed, etc.  The oracle I have is a druid animal oracle.  It uses animals, their symbolism & our connection to them.  And it is druidic/celtic in origin…It gives the celtic names, uses Ireland & Scotland as a background & describes what each animal represented to the druids.  The book also describes what it means if you draw the card reversed (or up-side down).  Each card is one animal, and there are different spreads or ways of laying out the cards.  Different spreads shed insights on different things, some in more detail than others.  I haven’t been using this long, it’s just something I do for myself & it has been a very powerful tool for me.  I do hope that cleared things up 

Today sucked.  The day just DRAGGED on.  We were all tired from the party last night.  The funny thing was no stayed out late & no one got wasted.  Some people drank, but no one was drunk.  But we all dragged our asses today    And all the clients today tested my patience.  Every one I got was a pain-in-the-ass Hamali (will explain that word in a minute) who just didn’t get it & annoyed the shit out of me    But I survived & didn’t kill or even mame anyone    LOL.  Ok, so Hamali is Maltese.  For lack of a better translation, it means pain in the ass.  Diane, my licensed tech at Basic Pet Care, from back in the day, taught me that word.  She lived in Malta for a short while, so that’s how she knows it.  It’s great because no one knows what you mean by it, so you can say it openly & not offend anyone   

I’m waiting to hear from Stephen…We may get together tonight.  He & Lynn & Kelly are exchanging gifts tonight, so it depends on him.  If not maybe we’ll catch up tomorrow or Monday.  He & I talked for a little bit last night.  I swear, if it weren’t for the HUGE age difference, he WOULD be perfect.  I guess I’ll just wait it out.  We decided last night that we will put pics of my new tattoo in the photo album at the studio, but my face won’t show.  I’m proud of this piece as is Lynn (and she should be!), but I don’t want to walk in & have the other clients staring at me knowing those are MY breasts.  They’re also going to submit the pics to Tattoo magazines (at least one), which I think is just soooooooooo cool!    I will keep you up-dated on that.  Well, I should go feed Akhenaten, eat & clean.  Sigh…This place is such a wreck.  Between the depression of the bullshit with Mike last week & the stress of that, work, holiday shit, Stephen & the TV show stuff, I really let it go & it kills me.  Comparative to the place I used to live in, this place looks great, but it bothers me because in reality, it DOESN’T look great.  Oh well.  I should just shut up about it & do something about it    Good night, world.   

Well, I did get SOME stuff done    Not all, but I’m going to try & do a little bit each day now…

Anyhoo, 2 things that I need to get off my chest before I go to bed.

#1 – I just had the most amazing consult with my oracle.  I don’t know if discussing it will hurt or ruin anything.  But I’m really excited…It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO powerful & poignant.  It really hit home & each card made me think on so many levels.  I’m just so excited!    Yea!

#2 – This is going to sound REALLY bizarre, but…  I JUST killed a bug.  I don’t do insects.  I wanted it out of my apartment.  I don’t know what type this is, but they live throughout the building & every once in a while I see them here…One here or there, I think the most I saw was 3.  Anyway, my point is, I believe in the sanctity of ALL life.  And yet, I just killed.  A different kind of killing than say, euthanasia.  And I wondered if I was wrong for taking this life, and it even made me think about karma.  Will this (and all the other bugs I’ve killed) come back to me?  Is it wrong for me to do this?  I know this sounds crazy, but it really made me think.  The problem is, I can’t get these out of my apartment.  Since they live in the building, they’ll come back & I don’t want anything near the girls.  Hmmmm.  Well, I am sorry to the little guy/gal tonight.  I will try to think of a humane way of dealing with this.

Well, I’m FINALLY home, only to have a million & one things to do…God I wish I had a day to myself to just take care of everything.  An extra set of hands would be helpful, too.

The cleansing ritual I’m doing is kind of a combination of things I’ve read & learned.  I’ve been soaking all the jewelry I got from this person in water with sea salt in my cauldron since last night.  Later, I will burn some sage and “bathe” the jewelry in the smoke.  I will then hold each piece in my hands, completely covered & breathe deeply, and feel MY energy going into the piece with each breath.  Lastly, I’ll leave them out on a towel or blanket of some sort & let them absorb all the energy in my house, from me, my pets, etc.  They should be ready by the morning.  I’m doing a longer ritual because this was complicated relationship that ended very harshly.  I’ll be meditating & burning some incense later, too.  That should help as well.  Ironically enough, as soon as I took out the earrings & out another pair on & placed all the jewelry into my cauldron, I found my ATM card.  And I found another earring I was missing (I had it’s match, but could not find this one, no matter how hard I searched or where I looked).  Coinsidence?  I think not!  Amazing how that works, isn’t it?

Heather, I am so excited you’re getting the Scott Cunningham book!  Enjoy it over your vacation.  You’ll find it to be an easy read & he is so laid back & warm…It’s hard to describe, but I really love the way he writes & what he has to say.  Even if one is not interested in becoming Wiccan, this book is a great explanation of Wicca.  That is great.  I really think you’ll like it.  Have fun reading it!

Well, I REALLY need to go….I desperately need to clean the apartment, the girls, myself    And I HAVE to meditate tonight, I really need to consult my oracle & get some guidance.  First, though, I’m off to eat dinner    

I don’t think my morning could have gone any worse    I went to go to the Saddlery to buy my office manger her xmas gift (of course I pick HER for the secret santa thing), and I go there & can’t find my ATM/Visa card.  Not in my wallet, not in my car.  So, it must be home.  I drive home & nearly run out of gas.  I scrounge up $4 with bills & change.  I get home….Not there.  I go back to the saddelry & write a check, which I could have done INITIALLY!  So, now, I’m running late.  So I head out to work & I’m running out of gas AGAIN.  I found 50 cents & put that in.  Somehow that gets me to the bank near work where I write myself a check & cash it.  Now I FINALLY have money for food & gas.  I ended up getting to work 10 minutes late, but I was able to eat & put gas in the car!  LOL….Oh sweet humility.  I still can’t find the card, or a few other things, actually.  But I’m REALLY disorganised right now, my apartment is a mess & I’m wearing earrings with a negative aura.  That may sound strange, but during all the crazy shit that happened last week, I was wearing these earrings.  Over the weekend, I was given new earrings & I wore those & things went well.  So, I’m going to go cleanse & sage these.  I like them & don’t want to get rid of them due to negative energy, so I’m gonna go take care of that & shower & go to bed   

LMAO…I’m going to have an enterage next Tuesday to the 2nd sitting Tat appt.  Dawn, Jestin, Kari & Tiffany are ALL coming.  It’ll be cool, but I’m a little worried about Stephen.  When Justin said he was coming, Dawn made a comment about him (Justin) kinda putting Stephen in his place.  I quickly gave an adimet “No!”  I told them he was a very good friend of mine & no matter what, I wanted him to remain in my life.  Justin seemed understanding & respectful of that, Dawn was skeptical.  It will be fun (and odd since I’ve never had an audience before), but how do I “warn” Stephen about Dawn….Do I even say anything?  Or do I tell him to watch what he says or how he acts around me?  And if so, how do I break that to him nicely?   Hmmmmmm….  Ack!  Oh well, he & i had a great phone conversation tonight & I’ll just live off that for now 

Boy am I itchy!    The tat is REALLY peeling  So work was ok.  I got to see Dawn & Kari & Tiffany tonight (yes, the girl I have the hots for….lol).  They all saw the ink & LOVE it.  I got to undress Tiffany a couple of times tonight, too….She & the others were trying on dresses for a performance they have on Friday    It was fun.  I’d never push her, she’s not sure if she is bi or not, and as great as it was to show her my boobs, I still kept my distance (even in joking) out of respect for her.

My phone service got cut off….I just paid it & am waiting for service to return….Just a few minutes.  But it’s just another hassel.  Sigh/argh 

My mind is all over the place about Stephen.  Time will tell.  I just know that he is very important to me, and no matter what, I do not want to lose his presence in my life.

My best friend is being a total bitch right now & it’s killing me.  Right after last Thursday when I stopped talking to Mike & the Stephen & TV show hit, she got all pissy saying I wasn’t giving her time.  I told her my life was crazy & I’m sorry that I needed time for my personal business but it was nothing against her.  Well, that was her way of telling me something was wrong.  I know what it is now.  It’s not good, it’s scary as hell & I’m worried about her, but she’s trying to make me out to be a bad guy for not instantly reading between the lines & knowing that the attitude meant she was in a bad place.  I keep apologising to her & telling her how shitty this is making me feel, but goddamn it, don’t blame me!  I’m sorry I was an ass & could decipher your code.  I just don’t know what she wants from me.  It kills, because I want nothing more than to be there for her, comfort & support her.  She says she wants that too, yet she’s aiming her guns at me at the same time.  It’s frustrating & hurtful & confusing.  No matter how much I think about it or talked about it today with Dawn & Kari, it’s eating me away & pissing me off at the same time.  I really just need to let it out, which is the point of this entry.  I just wish she could ease up a little, see things from my vantage point for one second & not blame me.  I feel shitty enough not being there with her, for her, but this just makes it worse.  Sigh….I gotta go lubriderm myself & call the girls up….I might be meeting up with them & Justin for dinner/desert/whatever.  Like an ostrich, ifd it’s not there, it can’t bother/hurt/affect me    Bad way of handling things, I know.  But right now, with my entire emotional life taking on the form of a roller-coaster, NOT thinking is a good thing 

Well today was one interesting day    It took me almost 3 hours to get to Manhasset this morning!  LOL….It was frustrating at the time, and was just the beginning    I FINALLY got in & caught a train, which got me in 1/2 hour late.  So, then I get a taxi to take me to the spot.  And I’m walking up & down 7th Ave between 57th & 59th trying to find the place.  I asked people, I searched buildings…Couldn’t find it.  So, I finally call them…They were between FORTY eigth & ninth, not fifty…LOL.  So, now I’m walking 10 blocks.  Normally, that would not be an issue.  But this is NYC where people try to run you over even when they have a red light, and there are people every where & no one is ever walking fast enough until they almost knock you over as they run past.  Gotta love NY    So, anyhoo, I got there did the video thing which lasted 15-30 min.  It was fun, odd but fun.  I won’t hear for 2-3 weeks.  Oh well.  Anyway, I finally got home around 2pm.  From there, I went to see Stephen.  I only just got home now!     We just talked & talked & talked, as we always do   He bought me a rose, gave me a crystal & some sage & sweetgrass.  At one point, he mentioned that he had 3 of birds in a freezer that he wanted to cremate, but no one wanted to help him.  I told him he could do that through me, and he was fighting back the tears.  I know some of the history behind these birds & I knew it was important to him, but I didn’t know it was that important.  He was so appreciative.  I’m glad I can help.  I told him to tell me when he was ready & that I would take care of the rest.  It was a great moment.  We did discuss the age thing, and we’re just gonna see how it goes.  We think alike & we both learned a lot from each other tonight, and on an intellectual/emotional level, we have an intense, intimate relationship.  We’ll see where it goes from here.  Yes, Heather, love does overcome all, even age.  It’s a little odd, but I’m not pushing anything, and neither is he.  We had a quick kiss goodnight, but it was so fast…  I guess that will come next time    Well, I REALLY need to go to bed…Gotta get up for work.  Good night!   

Well, today was interesting…  Number one on everyone’s list was the capture of Saddam Hussein.  Wohoo!  Although he is not the only monster we’re after, at least we caught the bastard!

I had a few interesting things/thoughts today, but something struck me as I drove home from my family tonight.  I’ve still been REALLY confused about the whole Stephen thing.  I love him so much, but in a pletonic way.  Although we could talk endlessly, I never thought anything more of our friendship due to the severe age difference & a lack of attraction.  But his asking me out has really thrown me for a loop.  I found myself asking myself so many questions & taking different perspectives on the situation.  The bottom-line is I am too creeped out to persue a romantic relationship with someone who is old enough to be my father.  But I found myself worrying about how he’d take that.  I’d never want to hurt him, he is too important to me.  I considered putting his needs/wants/fantasies before me and my morals.  I KNOW i shouldn’t do that.  Damn my crazy up-bringing    It really was ingrained into me to put others & their needs before myself.  And I know find that I cannot understand how to be a giving person & still look out for myself.  Where is that balance?  How do you achieve that balance?  How do I let Stephen down gently?  We’ll talk, and hopefully it will turn out well.  It would be too weird, though, if we hit a rough patch or got involved in something that crosses too many incorrect boundaries.  Either way would throw off a delicate balance, a beautiful friendship that we enjoy right now.  Assuming I get on, I’ll have the show to help me find people.  Sigh….I don’t want to hurt him or ruin what we currently have, and I just don’t know how he’d react to this.  If he values me as much as I do him, he’ll understand.  Well, that’s how it’s supposed to happen, right?