Ok, ok.  I don’t like beating dead horses, but, one last thing, due to the comments reagarding my post a couple of days ago when I was crying & Mike was watching the movie…

It was not intended to be hurtful, I needed a way to vent & I did.  I would not have needed this outlet had things played out the way they should have.  I am a very reactionary person.  If I am pushed, I will push back.  ‘Nough said.

So yeah, my life is just rockin’ right now.  I spent the evening with my friend Elisabeth.  We met in tech school, and she is the only person I’ve kept in touch with.  She’s married to a prick, and has an abusive history, but that’s besides the point.  I helped her out with some stuff, and I love doing that for her.  No one has ever really helped her the way I have, and I just love hanging out with her.  So, I had a good saturday night (that’s a rarity   ).

I may come across as a heartless bitch due to my resiliency with Stephen, the show, etc.  Here’s the thing:  Yes, this whole Mike thing hurt like hell.  But damn it, I’ve come too far now to let anyone or anything get me down.  I’m proud of myself & I am so happy where my life is.  I cannot and will not let another insecure male ruin ME.  As Pink says in “Respect” and “18 Wheeler” “‘Cause this body is a priceless piece/Of  lovin’ unconditionally/…Hey ladies, yeah?/Let ‘em know it ain’t easy/….It’s time to be greedy/Nothing good comes for free” “You can push me out the window/I’ll just get back up/You can run me over with your 18 wheeler truck/And I won’t give a fuck/You can hang me like a slave/I’ll go underground/You can run me over with your 18 wheeler but/You can’t keep me down.”  That just rings true & I’m living by it.  Yeah, the Stephen thing is freaky, no doubt about that.  I plan on REALLY talking things out with him when we hang out on Monday, and I know that no matter the outcome, it will be good for both of us.  We love & respect eachother too much to fuck up the beautiful friendship we have to just live in the moment.  And the show would just rock.  Clearly I’m doing something wrong since I keep attatching myself to these insecure men.  I would LOVE to fix that about myself & know how to attract the right people & get into a good, healthy relationship.

I’m just sitting here, Akhenaten is looking up at me, purring away.  Tobar’s jealous    LOL.  My mom’s Christmas present arrived today.  Yea!  And Elisabeth bought me this BEAUTIFUL dolphin candle holder-thing with a dolphin stand & shade, it’s pewter & blue glass.  It is so nice.  She & I had a bit of a miracle tonight    We checked on her hamsters & mice which are being kept in an upstairs room (her husband won’t let her turn the heat on for the house, so they sleep in the living room by the fire-place, but there’s a lot more to the housing situation) & NONE of the hamsters seemed to be breathing.  The room was COLD & the hamsters appeared to be too.  I felt horrible…5 dead hamsters!  Poor Elisabeth was crying & blaming herself.  I told her she couldn’t blame herself, Jim, her husband, is not a force to be reckoned with.  If he says no, then it’s NO.  Anyway, as we talked & I tried to comfort her, she saw one breathing.  I thought she was in denial, but I looked anyway.  It was!  We checked every one.  4 were “hibernating”…They were alive, we rubbed them to stimulate blood flow & wake them up & warm them up.  She’s getting them out of the house on Monday, putting them in homes.  But they should be fine.  One was dead, and she thought he was dead the last time she was up there, so even though it was sad, she kinda knew.  But 4 lived!  How awesome is that?!  Wierd, though….I gotta look that up.  They are desert creatures, so I don’t know if they were hibernating or close to death from hypothermia.  But they should be ok now.  She was so happy.  I’m glad that things turned around….She’s had a rough year.  Her mom OD’d and died, her grandmother passed away, she lost several pets, and more.  I love that girl & I just want her to be happy & safe/  I told her as I left tonight, that she can always call me & that there’s a futon here with her name on it if she ever needs.

Boy, this is REALLY random    Sorry it doesn’t flow properly, I am DEAD tired, and clearly that is affecting my thought process    LOL….Well, I should go to bed.  Gonna chop down the xmas tree with Mom & Dick tomorrow.  Hopefully the snow will hold off until AFTER we get the tree    Yawn….Yep, I’m getting sleepy    Have a goodnight.  I will check in tomorrow….If not, DEFINETLY on Monday 

Needless to say Mike & I had a HUGE fight last night…I was so hurt, being stabbed in the back.  But I just keep thinking back to Stephen’s philosophy on life lessons & I KNOW he’s right.  Mike himself is not a bad person, but these actions are bad.  Given a few years & some real life experience, I think he will see the forrest for the trees, but now is not the right time.  He needs to find himself, gain his self-confidence & become strong in himself in every facet of life.  I went through the same thing, we all did.  The difference was that I did not get into a relationship or commit myself to a person, to any degree, during that time in my life.  I don’t think Mike realizes that now is not a good time to attatch himself to ANYONE.  I truly believe that he just needs time.  Is there potential for us in the future?  Who knows…I’ll be lucky if I wake up alive tomorrow 

So, in case this week has not been dramatic enough for me, I checked my voice mail today at lunch.  Back in September, I had e-mailed an application to TLC’s “Date Patrol.”  They called me today!  I have a video interview Monday morning!  I may actually get on the show!  LMAO!!!  How funny/bizarre is that?  I am so siked!  I know I may not get on, but I never thought I’d get this far….This shit NEVER happens to me    If it happens, it’ll be awesome to be taught how to find/pick the right kind of people….This will be so much fun!  I will keep you all up-dated.

Stephen called me AGAIN….We’ve talked every day since wednesday’s inking….I love him & look forward to Monday, but I can’t “date” him….It would be too weird to say the least.  Sigh…What ever!  I don’t really care, I just don’t want to get myself into another predicament.  It’ll play out the way it needs to, I know.  My head is just swirling from all the events of this week.  I’m still missing Mike, even though it’s clear this was not meant to be, not right now any way.  I’m excited about my tat, confused about Stephen, overwhelmed by the thought of being on Date Patrol….It’s just been so much!  Oh well, such is life….And I am NOT complaining 

I do have to make some quick religion remarks, mainly because they’ve been the special of the week…  Religion is NOT supposed to hurt.  The point is to help us understand the world around us, give us & peace, comfort & hope for this life & the after life.  We all have different perespectives & experiences, thus everyone’s religious beliefs are different.  That should be known, understood & respected.  No one religion is better than another.  It’s just not.  Any judgements should be made based on the person, not their religion.  Religion to any extreme is bad.  We all know how “bad” extremist Muslims are, the same apllies to Buddhists, Jews, Pagans & yes, Christians.  Christ did not judge, he loved all: the wealthy, the lepers, the tax collectors & the beautiful.  To be a REAL christian, one should strive for that & not judge, hurt, or comdemn another human being.  I know that Christianity is a beautiful religion & is good for many people.  It’s just not correct for me.  That does not make me a bad person.  I made my decision to become a Witch based on many things: life experiences, life philosophies & things that just made sense.  The coven that introduced me to Wicca, held a stone one night….We were outside on a summer night & we all passed around a beautiful stone.  We each said what kind of energy we felt coming from it.  I’ve thought stuff like that all my life!  If I brought a rock home to my parents (when I was kid) & asked my parents if they felt that energy, they’d look at me like I had three heads!  But, these women knew & felt what I did.  I belonged.  That is why.  There was no anger or defiance.  It was just right.  That is true religion.

Well I have a TON of stuff to do…I should go & TRY to get it done    I’ll keep everyone up-dated on my soap-opera life 

Deep breath…I wasn’t even sure if I was gonna post today, I was doing ok.  Then I read Mike’s fucking post.  I said what I had to say in my comments, Mike. 

Lynn was telling me in the tat parlor that Stephen once told her that sometimes shit happens to us in our lives, and that it’s a lesson.  But it may not be a lesson for us, it may be a lesson for the other person.  I truly believe that is the case here.  I guarantee that Mike’s perspectives will change given some time & real world experience.

I was gonna keep this to myself, but FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The question Dawn challenged me with was regarding the GORGEOUS 26 year old woman named Tiffany.  Since I met her, I find myself thinking about her often.  She is beautiful & has a soul to match.  She, like me, is bi, but has never been with a woman.  It would have been a great first experience for both of us.  Dawn asked me if I’d leave Mike for Tiffany.  I said no because I wanted to wait & see how things played out with Mike.  It would be beyond disrespectful to do that to him, so I didn’t.  Although, I do think about her.  So, maybe now…  But then today, Stephen asked me out!  LOL….I said yes, we could hang out.  He is 52, and I told him I have reservations about such a severe age difference, but he said we’ll do whatever I’m comfortable with….He’ll let me lead, he wouldn’t jeopardise the beautiful friendship we have just because he’s attracted to me.  We’re gonna hang out on Monday…I have no expectations, no goals for it, just to enjoy his wonderful company.  Honestly, I am uncomfortable with the idea because he is so much older, and I’m viewing this as friends getting together.  But he’s a great person to be around, he’s been a wonderful friend & that’s all I need or want.  Then, there’s H.  She is a beautiful soul & is someone I am so glad came into my life & I would REALLY like to get to know her better.  In the past few weeks, she has proven what a great person & friend she is & I greatly appreciate that.  Hopefully our friendship will continue to grow.  And, currently I am listening to Pink.  God is she hot!  I have always had a thing for her    Looking at her pic on the CD….She is soooooooo beautiful.  I wouldn’t mind waking up next to her….LOL 

Dawn told me that she hoped this experience made me see how beautiful & sexy I really am.  Last night’s tat & the shit today certainly did     Mike saw me look REALLY hot over the weekend…And now THAT is on the market    Ya know, I tried so fucking hard & got no respect in return.  It’s my turn.  I’m going to enjoy everyone & everything that comes into my life.  I’m just happy to be.  Would I like to pursue a relationship with Tiffany?  Definetly, but I’m not gonna rush into anything.  If she was interested, maybe we’d start hanging out, I don’t know….No need to rush or push.  Tiffany, Stephen, Pink: these are really more fantasies than anything, but a girl can have fantasies, ain’t nothing wrong with that 

Mike, I would like to still do Christmas Eve/Christmas day, but not if you see me as “darkness” as that Bible entry stated.  That’s for you to decide.  I’m not writing this to be hurtful or spiteful.  I almost told you Dawn’s question last night, but I didn’t want to hurt you, but if your post is going to “come clean” & say the shit that it did, I can too.  Can you be friends with such a sinner?  ’Cause it’s not like Jesus hung out with prostitutes or tax collectors or anything.  Think about THAT “darkness.”  Well, if not, I’m still giving you your xmas gifts, even if it means just dropping them off.  You decide & call me.

Well, I need to go…I have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much stuff to do.  God, I cannot wait for this 6-day work week to end, I haven’t gotten ANYTHING done.  And I’m tired as hell too    So, that’s it for tonight.  Goodnight, world. 

PS….As of 11 pm, Christmas IS cancelled….But you’d better read your e-mail.  And as I said in our “chat” tonight, religion is not supposed to hurt….it is supposed to bring you joy, comfort & understanding?  Where is there joy, understanding or comfort here?  My belief system says that beliefs are personal & should be left as individual, which I always have.  I understand & respect that no one will think exactly like me & that’s cool….Cause I can LEARN from other beliefs & perspectives.  I don’t view ANY other religion as “sinful”….what gives you the right to say that mine is?!

Well, we all knew it was coming….Mike & I did break up tonight.  It hurt like hell.  I’m doing better, trying to remember some things that Stephen & Lynn said to me between last week & today.  Stephen told me today that no matter what, I did everything right & that I need to take that with me.  I’m trying to.  Lynn made some great points tonight, too.  We decided to remain friends, but it is hard…I still want to touch him, hold him, etc….  It’s hard.  On the one hand, I know it’s right…this was an impass…there was no way around it.  In the future?  Who knows…Only time will tell that, I can’t concern myself with fantasy or hopeful optimism that may not come true.  Anyway, I do feel empty…A part of me died tonight.  I know it needed to, just like Ny needed to be put to sleep.  But knowing it’s the right thing doesn’t take away the pain.  But it’s time to move on.  I’ll adjust eventually.  It’s hard….Shit like this makes me think my dad WAS right, that no one will ever love me.  I can’t keep talking about this, it’s too tough, too emotional, too sensitive….

The tattooing itself was great!  Bearly any pain….The left side was worse, but still so much better than I had anticipated.  We ended up not doing my original theme, because Lynn said it would be too think & not soft or feminine, which was what I wanted.  Instead it’s kind of leafy/viney/flowery…It is GORGEOUS.  It goes down to just above my navel.  It is so soft & elegant & sexy & beautiful & feminine…  It is absolutely amazing!  I love Lynn….She is so talented, she has such a gift!  So, this means that I’m not retired yet, there will be a #13…It will be dolphins or porposes, probably integrated with the tribal on my left calf…I’ll schedule an appt for that at my next sitting.  But anyway, today went REALLY well…I am so siked about this tat…It is so beautiful!  Well, it’s getting REALLY late, and I need to get some sleep.  So, I’m off to bed, hopefully to face a better, brighter tomorrow….

Goddamn it!  I can’t fucking take take this shit.  I’m sitting here, crying.  I can’t win, I just can’t fucking win.

I can’t do this back & forth shit anymore.  One day, Mike has me thinking everything is gonna work out, that he’s dedicated to me, that he’ll compromise & put in an effort for me, then shit like tonight happens.  And it’s not the first time.

I’ve compromised so much…I’ve worked & bent over backwards & kept my mouth shut through this whole fucking thing, and I thought it was worth it.  I thought that somehow we could make this work, if he put in as much as I did, we should be fine.  But he hasn’t, he won’t.  He said once that he wouldn’t give up without a fight.  Where/how are you fighting for me?  Where is the equal consideration for me & my faith?!

I’ve always said as a Wiccan, that to each their own & I respect that, just don’t force anything on me.  And I’ve tried.  I’m not a patient person, but I tried my best.  I sat here & watched him go from agnostic (acknowledging a god) to born again.  I kept my pagan mouth shut.  I said nothing.  In fact, I supported him, and answered questions for him (I used to be a Christian), and talked with him & told him I’d go to his baptism.  I also told him he didn’t have to go to Beltane or any other Pagan festival, or see/take part in any spells I cast, etc.  If that isn’t respectful, I don’t know what is.

But where is it getting reciprocated?  Oh, he can’t because that’ll turn him from god!  FUCK THAT!  What about common human decency?  What about treating me like a fucking human being?!  What about treating me based on the way I treat you?!  How the fuck do you know your god is the only god?  You read the Bible?  Good for you.  You cannot make a truly informed decision without reading EVERY holy book & meeting the creator him/herself!  But saying what I say (that there is more than one way to heaven) is sinful & hurtful.  Ya know what, I don’t like your god.  Your god restricts you.  Your god separates you from others, you use him as an excuse to separate yourself, put up boundaries, etc.  Your god will send me to hell because I’m divorced, tattooed, bi-sexual, have a mouth like a sailor, am not a virgin, and am pagan.  Nice, loving diety ya got there.  What about judging me on my strength, compassion & humanity?  That’s what my Goddess & God judge me on.  They know this is an imperfect world & I am not a perfect person, but they know my heart & motives, and my judgement is based on that. 

I can’t fucking win.  My ex-husband & Vinny abuse me, Mike is using religion as an excuse.  Yes, it IS an excuse.  You can be a Christian & fucking think for yourself!  I’ve met people like that.  They understand the beauty of what Christianity is, but they don’t pass judgement on schmucks like me.  They live in modern times & don’t let the church or other christians influence them.  They know you cannot take the Bible literally.

All this is heresy, I know.  Don’t worry, I’m not only going to hell, I’m driving the bus.  But before you get pissed off at me, Mike, think about where I’m coming from for one fucking second.  Can you do that, empathise?  I can, and I do.  And I have been empathising for you all this time.  Now it’s role reversal time.

Think about all the bullshit I’ve been through.  Trying being homeless for 2 weeks in a state where you don’t know anyone & your life is in danger b/c you’re being stalked.  Trying being raped/used by every man that comes into your life starting at age 5.  5!  What were you doing when you were 5?  Playing with Legos?!  Lucky.  Don’t you get it?  I’ve given & given & given to EVERYONE, including you!  I tried to make people happy, I’ve given physically, emotionally, spirituslly, intellectually, monetarily…  I have sacrificed so much, just to make you happy, because that’s what you do in a relationship.  But when the fuck is it my turn?  When will someone give to me?  When will I be on the receiving end?  This hurts so goddamn much.  I’ve talked to everyone about it & I get mixed reviews.  Lauren, Dawn & Kari are PISSED.  They think I should end it.  My family loves him & is telling me to be patient.  Which the fuck is it?!  Maybe if you could be decent enough to meet me half way, or to show that same amount of respect on a different subject I’d have something to hold onto & say, yes, this can work.  But you can’t “waiver” in your faith.  And if you do, it’s just Satan working thru me to pull you away.  Right.  It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with ME!  Did I not write the other day that both people in the relationship should put the other first?  I put you first, but clearly I’m not first for you.  Thanks.

I am so fucking hurt & frustrated.  I’ve never been truly loved or accepted, and it certainly doesn’t look like I’m gonna be.  I give because I believe it will come back to me.  Stupidly, I am still hopeful it will.  To say this hurts is an understatement.  I hope you’re fucking happy, cause I sure as hell ain’t.  I won’t be the first person you go thru this with, either.  Right now you’re hearing b/c it’s your faith, you must suffer since Christ suffered, and we are just lost souls who don’t get it.  Maybe, hopefully, in a couple of years you’ll see & know what I see & know.

Ball’s in your court.  You think about ME & all that I’ve done & all that I am & stand for.  But I will tell you this: I’m not doing anymore one sided relationships like I’ve done in the past.  If you can’t or won’t compromise for me, you’re telling me I’m not worth it, and I WILL walk away.  Go ahead & pray about it.  Pray about your hurt, pagan girlfriend.  Have you ever thought about just making your own decision based on you, me & us?  Think about that.

Hope you’re having fun watching the movie.  I’m here alone, crying. 

Ahhhh so many things to wrie about, and yet nothing to write about….

Akhenaten (pron. Ahk-NAH-ten), the kitten, is going through her “terrible two’s”…She’s about 11 weeks old, and she’s getting into things, running away, chewing on stuff.  It’s cute…Annoying, but cute 

Work’s been going well…Today was good.  So, smiley’s for that 

I sent an e-mail to Lauren, hopefully it will clear stuff up from last night.

I went to Orient Point to celebrate the beautiful full moon & cast a spell for strength for my tat appointment on Wednesday.  Even though it was cold, it was so beautiful & I felt so connected to all the elements…It was great.

I had a dream about Nyako last night….It paralleled the end of her life.  I was watching her suffer & waste away, but things kept pulling me away.  I knew she was dying, but didn’t/couldn’t do anything.  Shudder.  Do NOT need to be reminded of that….Oh well.

Another freaky thing was that I was watching trick-shot billiards, and one of the players looked A LOT like Keith Doug.  Had his profile & face structure.  Head on, he looked different, but his profile was a spitting image of “Mug”….It was weird.

So that’s my pathetic life for today    Just REALLY looking forward to my appointment on Wednesday.  Can’t wait!  Ok, so I have nothing else to write about, so I’ll end this now before it becomes any more torturous    Good night!

Today was an interesting day.  It started up with me waking up from a dream about Nyako…Watching her get sick & suffer like she did in real life…It wasn’t exactly what happened in reality, but that dream was damn close.  Work was interesting…saw some unusual cases, did some good work.  Then I came home with the intention of getting some stuff ready for a spell I was gonna cast out at Orient Point.  While I was home getting everything ready, I had trick-shot billiards on TV (ESPN2)…One of the contestants looked A LOT like Keith Doug.  He had his profile, his face structure…It was bizarre!  Why on Earth are they trying to contact me?  They’re trying to tell me something “& I can’t figure it out.  I’ll bet they’re smashing their heads against a wall somewhere saying, “Why the hell doesn’t she get it?!”  Sorry guys…I never said I was smart    I know this will sound crazy, but honestly, I don’t care what anyone thinks I know what I’m about to say is true.  Be skeptical or even laugh if you choose, but I’m saying this b/c I haven’t really told anyone.

Samhein (pro. Sow-wen), aka Halloween, is the time when the 2 worlds (here & the afterlife) are closest.  The day before, I felt someone tap me on my back, right where my memorial tattoo to Keith Doug is.  I turned around, and no one was there, not even close to me.  I wondered if it might be him visiting me again.  On Samhein itself, I was in surgery, pretty close to a wall, with no one close to me & someone grabbed my ass.  It was Keith Doug.  He was just saying hi & playing with me a little.  We talked briefly, and he went off.  It was great, though.  His passing changed & strengthened our relationship.  Neither of us realized how special our relationship was until he died.  Soon after the accident, I was euthanising a suffering dog.  I told the dog that he needed to go, that his passing would be best.  With that, Keith Doug told me, “I needed to go.”  I know I probably sound like a crazy person.  I wouldn’t say it or believe it if I hadn’t experienced it.  No, I’m not schizophrenic, hearing voices in my head.  I have recently become more in tune with spirits/souls/ghosts.  I’ve seen them, felt their presence, and (obviously, according to this), began communicating with them.  Mainly with Keith Doug, but I also saw a ghost: a soldier from the battle of Culloden in Scotland.  I felt him…I must have stepped where he did, and then he appeared to me a couple of days later.

I know I’m rambling & I’m sure it sounds stupid.  If you don’t like it, don’t agree with it, feel the need to make fun, then please do me a favor & just don’t respond.  I’m not here looking for approval, I’m just trying to get something off my chest.  I don’t care what anyone else says or thinks, this is mine (the experience & xanga).  Sigh…This is so discombobulated & weird sounding, I know it.  But it is important to me, and I’ve been wanting to share it for a while.  Welp, I’m gonna shut up now anyway.  I’m gonna shower & try to figure out the meaning behind the dream & Keith Doug’s twin 

Tattoo #12 day after tomorrow!  Wohoo!  I’m siked!  Can’t wait…..

Pardon me…I was in a good mood till I talked to Laur tonight.  I know she means well, but damn did she piss me off tonight….

Sigh…Ok, breathe    I’m not gonna let this ruin my mood.  Well, I’ll try not to

Ok…Well, I really wanted to write about a certain someone   A certain, tall, young, Danish man who entered my life a little over 2 months ago…. 

We hit a bit of a rough patch last night, but we resolved it to the extent we could.  It needs time, but we’re both putting in effort for each other.  This relationship is too valuable to just throw it away.

It hasn’t been long, but this relationship really has been wonderful.  Mike is wonderful.  He is so good & kind & caring.  He treats me well.  Too well.  To be perfectly honest, I don’t deserve someone as good as him.  He is kind & gentle & innocent.  I look at myself, I’m a used up piece of shit (literally).  I’ve been used & abused.  Trampled on.  I’m cynical & jaded.  I’m dark from the ashes of all the times I’ve been burnt.  I’m dirty.  I compared myself to a used car to him once.  I’m used, have high mileage, have a ton of dents & rust, have major wear & tear on my parts…  He deserves so much better!  His soul is bright & shining.  New.  He hasn’t seen or been a part of the filth that I have.  He deserves someone who is purer in spirit than myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I am MORE than greatful to have him.  He is a blessing.  He truly is.  Being with him is amazing.  Yes, there are issues.  There are issues in EVERY relationship.  It depends on the people involved.  Are you willing to put in effort & sacrifice & put the other person before you?  I personally believe that each person is supposed to put the other first, and then everyone wins.  Sure, shit happens.  We’re all imperfect.  But if you’re willing to admit that & work on it both on a personal level & as a couple, then you’re on the right track.  Every kind of relationship takes work & sacrifice: family, friends, lovers…  It’s all the same.  Relationships die when they’re one-sided and/or the effort & compromise cease.  It’s easy to let that go, but how much more rewarding it is when you do!  I look at my grandparents, my mom & her beau, Dawn & Justin, Lauren & Jeff….They’ve all had to sacrifice a lot, to work for each other, and they are so happy!  Their relationships are extremely strong.  Their hard work was worth it.  I KNOW this is the case for Mike & I.  I told him the areas I need to work on for myself.  I’m trying.  It’s difficult, but it will benefit us both, and so I am trying.  I know he’s been trying too.  It’s harder for him because he has so much more going on with school, work, etc.  But I know his heart is in it.  I’m not giving up.  He means too much to me.  More than words could ever describe.  Living without his warm, wonderful smile wouldn’t be living.  It would be empty & cold.  I could never imagine life without him now.  This may be hard, but damn it, I’m not giving up.  Not on him.  Not on us.  I am willing to work & give & do in oder to get “us” in the right direction.  It’s been worth it so far, I can only imagine how much more we will gain from plugging away even more…

So, here’s to you, Mike, Honey!  Can’t wait till Wednesday when I can see your warm, sweet, wonderful face again! 

BBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I hate the snow!  LOL…Not really.  It’s pretty to look at, but I hate having to live & deal with it….it’s such a pain in the ass.  Although, I am thankful for my 2 Michigan winters: I learned a lot driving in REAL snow 5 – 6 months out of the year.  At least I know I’m safe in the snow…I just try to stay away from idiots…Most NYers don’t know how to REALLY drive in snow.  There was this one woman who starting BACKING UP in the middle of a snowstorm last year, in a break in the median of 347/454 in Hauppauge…Brilliant.  I ended up sliding across 347 & I landed on the right hand shoulder.  I remained calm, slowly applied pressure to the break & downshifted.  Didn’t anyone or anything, although I did want to hit HER.  See, there was a car speeding up behind me as the moron decides to back up into my lane.  Thank god, “speed racer” cut underneath me & drove away just in time for me to do my version of “Disney on Ice”…Except it was the R-rated version of disney!  LOL.  Well, that was fun.  I can’t wait for that kind of stupidity to show itself this weekend.  At least it entertains me 

I’m actually doing pretty well other than being cold.  I have a few things plaguing me, but they’re all related, and they just need to sort themselves out.  It’s all a matter of time.  At least I have wonderful friends I can talk to.  Stephen & I had an AWESOME talk in that Tat parlor on Tuesday.  I love everyone there…We have these amazing philosophical discussions.  It is such a warm, loving atmosphere.  Normally, I’d be uncomfortable discussing certain things (i.e., the placement of this next tattoo), but I’m very comfortable around Stephen.  Finding Lynn & this parlor was such a blessing…I recommend them to everybody.  They squeezed me in when “Mug” died (so I could get my memorial tat ASAP), they’ve always been great.  They all have such amazing gift with their artistry…I’m so jealous   Wow, that was quite an aside   Going back, the point was that I have great people to talk to: Stephen, Lauren (my best friend), Dawn & Justin….  So many good people in my life.  I do have to battle my insecurities on my own, but these people have been more than helpful in that battle.  They’ve all helped me to see things from various angles, and to come to the right decision with things.  From experience, I know how important it is to get outside feedback….I learned the hardway that outside opinions of certain situations definetly count for something.  So now, I listen to them with more appreciation for their perspectives.

As for that “challenge” Dawn faced me with, I decided no.  The temptation was there, but I can’t.  Saying yes would compromise my morals too much.  I am not ready to say yes, either…I need time.  I’m not going to say anymore…I don’t want to elude to it, it is just too personal.  But I spoke to Lauren about it & she agrees with me, and that was all I needed.

Speaking of Lauren…I also, kind of finally came out to her (sort of).  Without saying it directly, she now knows I’m bi.  I was a little apprehensive about telling her.  Yes, she’s seen me through a TON of shit, but I was afraid she might judge me.  Stupid me!  I should never underestimate her again.  She loved & supported me like always.  To say she rocks is an understatement.  So, I’ve been getting a lot of weight lifted off my shoulders…It feels good to not hide.  I do have to hide certain things from my family, but it’s not meant in a hurtful way.  It’s just due to….It’s hard to describe…At the fear of sounding like a teenager, they just wouldn’t understand.  I could never tell my grandparents I’m bi…They’d probably die (literally).  And I think my mom might judge me…She’s changed a lot, so maybe not, but I fear that some of her old ways are still alive & kicking somewhere.  And no, my family doesn’t know I’m Wiccan.  Again, don’t want to hurt or confuse the grandparents.  They’ve been too wonderful to me for me to throw them a loop like that.  As for my mom…Oooooh, talk about judging!  It would get ugly…I know the kinds of “conversations” that would take place….Scary.  So, I leave it be.  If I can’t openly discuss my father’s abuse, I certainly can’t discuss things like that.  But, I am happy & I love my family very much.  It doesn’t bother me.  My relationships with them are closer than ever, so why ruin a good thing?

Ok, I’ve been going on & on aimlessly    So, I’ll shut up now    Stay warm!

Finally!  A day without a headache!    Today is my 2 month anniversary with Mike.  Yay!  Best 2 months of my life    I’m very happy, obviously.  I hope there are many, many more to come.

Pretty ordinary day….surgeries & treatments, appointments this afternoon….nothing too exciting (for me anyway.  I’m at a point where pyometras are nothing special.  A pyo is an infected uterus of an unspayed female cat or dog).    Gave Akhenaten, the kitten, her first distemper vaccine…I did it myself at home.  I love that kind of stuff.  Actually using my license & education   I went out to dinner with my mom & her friend Anita.  We shopped at Tanger a little bit.  I got some stuff I needed….shoe laces, stockings, my mom bought me silk long underwear…supposed to help keep me warm.  I’ll try anything since I’m cold at anything below 75   Mike’s last christmas gift arrived today!    I just love mentioning that to him….he’s so much fun to torture 

It was nice have a quiet, not-too-exciting day.  Just waiting till Saturday…I get to see Mike, Dawn, Kari & Justin again.  Can’t wait.  It’ll be fun.  I’ll be surrounded by good people & good music    LOL…Mike probably won’t think so (about the music), but it’ll be fun none the less.  It’ll be good to see Mike again, have some quiet time together.  Although, he’ll probably spend all his time with the kitten    Still no news on what’s wrong with her pelvis.  I really hope she doesn’t need surgery, but I have a feeling she will.  She acts like nothing’s wrong, but I’m concerned about arthritis & bone disorders later on.  She is the runt, which means she was the last egg that was fertilised and had the least amount of time to develop properly.  And, since cats & dogs can be bred multiple times, we don’t know how long she really had to develop.  So, anyway, that being the case, I do worry about her immune system, bone structure & density, neurologic condition, etc.  She’s sitting on my lap just purring away right now…  I love her!

Well, I guess no news is good news    I’m off to shower.  I know, I know….you can smell me from there.  Relax, I’m going right now!    Goodnight everyone!