January 4, 2004
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GO SEE BIG FISH!!! I saw it today with my mom & Dick (her boyfriend). It was AMAZING. It seemed a little long in parts, but it was really good. You're best going WITH someone, and a box of tissues. I won't say any more, don't want to ruin any bit of it. It was great!
Haven't heard from Stephen since I visited him & Lynn last week
Oh well. This is me trying to remain calm & go at his pace, he needs it. It's just tough for me. I'm so insecure that I desperately cling to people, afraid of losing them. I know that the grip of death I have does more harm than good. It's just that when you're told no one will ever love you, and when someone DOES pay attention to you, you don't want to let it go in any way. I know I'll be better off waiting, it's just hard. I'm in a place I've never been, doing something I've never done. It's just an odd feeling, that's all.
Lately I've been pretty confused on the love front of my life. I have this "thing" (whatever it is) with Stephen. I also have a couple of ladies in my life that I'd really like to get to know. I also just got an e-mail from someone who saw my profile on e-mode. I cancelled that subscription a while ago, but apparently, that does not remove the profile, it only cancels your ability to do certain things. I can still search & what not, it's just certain features I can't do. Weird, huh? I asked Goddess & God to stop sending people my way
LOL....I've NEVER had this much attention or confusion about relationships. It's nice, but overwhelming at the same time. I'm confused because I'm looking to settle down, be they male or female. I just want to get to THAT point in life. I've done enough of the "wild" single life stuff. Even if it's just me, the other person & some pets, I'm craving some kind of sense of "family" that I've built. I love Stephen. He means so much to me, and I wouldn't mind being with him. But, can I settle down with someone who is a generation my elder? There's not a complete future there. But I love him, and I love my time with him. I'm also sooooooooooooo afraid to hurt him. I don't want to break his heart or disappoint him. Sigh....Well, all this is why I scheduled that reading on Friday. As much as I like to be in control & have the answers right away, I need to wait until then. This is testing me in so many ways
Well, that's enough for now. It's so great to just let this out here. There's no one here to talk to. No one I come home to who asks how my days was. I don't care if no reads these (although it's great when you do), at least I'm releasing somehow. I'm off to bed. Good night, world!
Comments (1)
You know, Sweetie, you have to love yourself first. Get really comfortable with yourself, in your own skin, by yourself, for yourself. When you get there, you'll have so many knocking on your door, you'll have to beat them off with a stick! It works, I swear it does!Once you start having that love energy for yourself, TRUE LOVE and ACCEPTANCE energy, they all want to get some of it. People will flock to you just to be near your essence and in your aura. They will, you'll see.
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