January 13, 2004

• Hmmmm...Anything to write about today?  I don't know.  Work was very busy, had some interesting surgeries.  I got out late, but late is good.  Overtime is NOT a bad thing    Getting various feedback as to which surgeon I should use for Akh's knees.  We're still doing the bloods & exam tomorrow & I'm gonna get estimates & it take it from there.  I spoke to Dr. Larkin quite a bit today about the vet school she went to.  In reality, it's probably the only vet school I can get into.  I have to see.  I've been meaning to check out vet schools in "Deer's" state, but my GPA sucked, so I don't think I can get in.  No harm in trying, though.  So, I'll look that up along with the Reiki later tonight.

  
  

  I do love those self-discovery tests    Cheesy & self-centered, I know    I plan on putting some of those results into my memoirs.  Some of my xanga entries will go in, too.  I'm not doing a typical memoir, instead it'll be my story, but also my perspectives on life & situations, poems & art-work, pics of my tattoos, song lyrics, etc.  I want it to be creative & unique, but also to "explain" who I am, since I often feel misunderstood     I want to explain the person behind the facade.  I'll be adding more test results in some up-coming xanga entries.

  
  

  I was thinking a lot about my insecurities, today.  About how insecure I am with sex & romantic relationships.  How, no matter what I think logically, my father's words are still with me & affect my decisions, behavoir, etc.  I can easily say that my father is an ass and he wasn't right, but when something is drilled into you from a young age, and from a PARENT no less, you still carry it with you.  My father's words & actions have changed who I am.  I am a very different person now than I was as a child.  Part of it is growing up, obviously.  But a lot of it has to do with all the abuse (from my dad, ex-hubby & Vinny).  Mothers have grabbed their kids & walked across the street to get away from me as I approach them on the side walk.  I would NEVER hurt the mother or her child, but I look like I would.  Short, jet-black hair, heavy leather biker jacket, combat boots, etc.  I can come across VERY harsh.  Now, I do have to say that part of the look is comfort.  I LOVE leather, I have several leather jackets.  My biker jacket is my heaviest & warmest, so I wear it the most, but I do wear my nicer jackets, too.  My boots are simply comfort.  These Harley boots are much more comfortable than any sneaker, to me.  My hair is short because it's easy.  I do dirty, unglamarous work.  I can't have nice hair at work, and I typically don't have the time for it.  But it is also a protective facade.  I use it to protect myself from being raped again.  If I look like a guy, if I don't come across as sexy or sexual, men should leave me alone.  It's not the real me.  Yeah, I'm into the biker scene, but I also like to feel pretty & feminine & soft.  But, I'm afraid that showing that side of me makes me vulnerable & easy to attack/rape again.  Now, honestly, I have made HUGE strides in that, and I've gotten better & I do show my softer, more feminine side much more often now.  But, "Biker Lauren" does typically make more appearances throughout the week than "Lady Lauren."  Partially comfort, partially protection, she is the side most people see.  I know I'll never totally get rid of the hurt or scars my father caused, but I am doing better.  But those insecurities do carry through on the romantic front, too.  I am very insecure, sexually.  I am self-conscious & nervous (and that's with men, so being with a woman makes me VERY self-conscious).  I'm always afraid I'm being judged (either about my body or "performance").  I fear being seen (I don't like having my partner look t or watch me) because I am so self-conscious, but also I was told that if I enjoyed myself, I must be a whoare.  So, if they don't/can't see me, they won't know I'm enjoying it & they won't judge me.  I also can't do certain things (more having things done TO me than me doing for my partner) because I'll either have a panic attack or just feel so guilty in the pleasure of it all.  Fucked up, huh?  Basically, it just boils down to the fact that I just don't have any confidence.  I know that most of what I think/feel about sex is not true, but I've never been in a loving, warm, accepting sexual relationship.  I just need to be in the right relationship.  A nurturing relationship will do wonders for me, I know it.  I greatly look forward to the day when I am REALLY making love with a person, where it's a safe environment, and it's just about the connection between this other person & myself.  But, you do have to admit, it's kind of ironic.  I come across as this harsh, strong, independent woman, but in all honesty, I just want to be held    It'll all come in time, I'm sure.  In the meanwhile, it's time for dinner    Good night, all!  Blessed be.

  • 6:36 pm
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