January 21, 2004

  • Thank you for all the warm, loving supportive words.  They are greatly appreciated.  I just want to briefly add something to that last entry, fo fear that I didn't make my point clear.


    Yes, I feel lonely & what not.  I think that I tend to cling to ideas & people because of it.  For example, I was thinking about "Deer" for a little while, and as soon as Oceana mentioned her, I turned this woman into my world.  Am I overflowing with excitement for her?  Absolutely!  But, I'm not packing up & moving...YET  :)   LOL...I am well, WELL aware of the fact that these things take time.  Especially if it is a first same-sex relationship for both of us.  There will be a lot of obstacles we will face if/when/as this relationship grows & blossoms.  Having been married, I'm not ready to rush to the altar.  I do crave a committed relationship, I won't lie about that.  But, I don't want to jeopardise anything either.  Not anything or anyone.  As eager as I am, I would NEVER want to hurt, push or pressure "Deer."  Her feelings are first & foremost.  I guess mentally I'm jumping over that whole "new beginnings" thing & just thinking long-term.  But the new beginning thing can be nice too.  I need to learn to appreciate every step of a relationship.  I can't let this lonliness ruin ANY relationship.  It's hard not to let those feelings overwhelm me, but I know deep in my heart that good things come to those who wait.  And so, I will wait.  Hopefully that clarifies everything.  Again, thank you so much for all your love & support.  Take care, blessed be & much love to all of you!

Comments (3)

  • well i hope all things work out for the good.

    as for me, i'm not in pain. it was just a poem.

    i'm doing quite well.  :)

  • I can see clearly now....Will we ever find out who the mysterious "deer" is?

    Thanks for the concerned voice mail. I wish I would have kept the phone on! It was sweet of you to call!

    *kiss*

    ta!

    h.

  • :smile: Thank-you. Yeah, I've been pretty down, and this is just an outlet...that's what I do, immerse myself in sad songs. Don't worry, I won't do anything to harm myself or jeopardize my life, I made a promise to Derek that I wouldn't take my life, and I intend on keeping it, I guess I'm just having a very difficult time right now, and I'm so unsure of anything. Am I crazy for believing in spirits, for believing that I could see him if I meditate or in my dreams? I honestly think I've lost my mind, that I'm wanting to see him so bad that I'm imaging things, and I want so very much to hear from him. If there are signs, how do I know them? How do I know it's not just me? *sigh* I guess my biggest fear is that now he's in heaven, he knows all the stupid things I have done, before meeting him, and during our relationship. All the mean things I've said about him or have done, all the doubts I had. I know I took good care of him and I love him more than anything, I just wish I had spent more time with him instead of sticking my nose in the computer, or whatever, I guess normal stuff you do in a relationship. And I guess it really doesn't matter when I think of all the things I did for him and how much I truly love him,like I said, I'm just so full of doubt and uncertainty. I feel as though all my actions and words are fake, like none of this is real and I don't know what to do. And I want to know where the strength that I had for the last 2 years has gone to. And right now I really need a cigarrette:smoke:*sigh* I can't even bring myself to go outside to have one, which I guess is for the better anyways. Sorry, I've written a short novel here. Just wanted to let you know that i'm not gonna do anything stupid to myself, and thank-you for being so kind.

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