Got a headache…Got it as soon as I started at work    Well, that’s what happens when you start off your day wrapping surgical packs!  LOL…The bane of my existance…

So, I got this e-mail from my old neighbor from Hauppauge.  I did it & it was really cool!  It was a 4-question personality thing.  Here are my answers & what they mean:

Arranging a list of animals (in my preference):

Horse, Sheep, Tiger, Cow, Pig   This means that my priorites are: family, love, pride, career, and money.  Not sure about the pride thing…Maybe self-esteem?

1 word to describe the following:

Dog – faithful; Cat – Independant; Rat – love (I was thinking of Nyako); Coffee – warm; Sea – beauty.

The dog represents me, the cat my partner, rat my enemies (was a little confused about that one…Maybe that I’m not resentful any more?), coffe was sex & what it meant to me & the sea was my life.

Link one person (friend, family member, etc.) to the following colors:

Yellow – Momoo (my grandmother); Orange – my mom; Red – Deer; White – Lauren; Green – Kari (Dawn’s best friend)

Yellow is someone I’ll never forget, orange someone I consider a true friend (Very true), Red is love/lover, White is my twin soul (Wow!  How true!), and green is someone I’ll always remember.

I thought that was kind of interesting & freaky that I would pick things & how accurate the results would be!  Well, I need to hit the hay since my head is hurtin’  Take care all.  Have a great night & blessed be!

Thank you for all the warm, loving supportive words.  They are greatly appreciated.  I just want to briefly add something to that last entry, fo fear that I didn’t make my point clear.

Yes, I feel lonely & what not.  I think that I tend to cling to ideas & people because of it.  For example, I was thinking about “Deer” for a little while, and as soon as Oceana mentioned her, I turned this woman into my world.  Am I overflowing with excitement for her?  Absolutely!  But, I’m not packing up & moving…YET    LOL…I am well, WELL aware of the fact that these things take time.  Especially if it is a first same-sex relationship for both of us.  There will be a lot of obstacles we will face if/when/as this relationship grows & blossoms.  Having been married, I’m not ready to rush to the altar.  I do crave a committed relationship, I won’t lie about that.  But, I don’t want to jeopardise anything either.  Not anything or anyone.  As eager as I am, I would NEVER want to hurt, push or pressure “Deer.”  Her feelings are first & foremost.  I guess mentally I’m jumping over that whole “new beginnings” thing & just thinking long-term.  But the new beginning thing can be nice too.  I need to learn to appreciate every step of a relationship.  I can’t let this lonliness ruin ANY relationship.  It’s hard not to let those feelings overwhelm me, but I know deep in my heart that good things come to those who wait.  And so, I will wait.  Hopefully that clarifies everything.  Again, thank you so much for all your love & support.  Take care, blessed be & much love to all of you!

Based on a conversation I had with Lauren, I think I need to let this out.  What I am about to write is something that tortures me every day.  I don’t normally discuss this, not because it’s so horrendous, but I guess I always thought it was my own personal battle.

I’ve been alone all my life.  Granted, I’ve had my friends & family, but I’ve always felt alone.  Let me try to clarify.  I was alone the 7 years my father molested me. He did when my mom was out, she was unable to protect me & there wasn’t anyone else home.  Many people helped me during my divorce, but I was alone in a state where I only knew my co-workers, trying to hide & find shelter from the man I was supposed to trust.  I was alone the year and a half I was with Vinny.  He wasn’t there physically or emotionally.  I’ve been alone since Vinny & I broke up which was over 2 years ago.  I know I’ve been loved & supported by my friends & family, and I’m very appreciative for that & for them.    But, romantically, I have never been loved.  And, ironically, I overflow with love.  I indulge & spoil & nurture & care for my romances.  I have so much to give.  But I’ve never gotten it back.  That is the most painful part, never having been loved back.  I want to know that feeling.  I want to share that with someone.  Not just anyone, though.  Yes, I am looking for that one special person.  Yes, I day dream about having that committed relationship, the house, etc.  Building a life with that person.  And due to my lonliness, I do cling to people/potential lovers/ideas of being with someone.  I don’t have anything else to cling to, though.  All my friends, my mom & some of her friends are all married or are getting married.  I’m the lone single.  Makes me wonder what’s wrong with me.  I often think about my failed relationships, and I am the lowest common denominator.  So, it has to be me, right?  My father always told me no one would ever love me.  I’ve wanted nothing more than to prove him wrong, but I can’t.  And I wonder if he’s right, if there’s something unloveable about me.  I have so much love to give the other person, though.  And I want to give that love.  And I’m willing to put myself out there.  To risk and let myself be loved.  It’s an emotional risk, but I’m ready & willing to try.  I’m willing to open myself up & receive love.  Sigh…This is tough for me.  This lonliness & cravings for emotional & physical love just eat me up.  I’ve grown & improved & have gained self-esteem.  I know I should be happy within myself, and I am.  This is the one part of my life that is not completely developed.  It’s starting to feel like a limb that’s become necrotic & is about to fall off.  Is it too much to ask to be genuinely loved?  Right now, it feels like either I’ll never know, or the answer is in fact, yes….

Anyhoo, here are some more e-mode results for me if you’re intertested.  Good night, world.

COLORS:

You’re green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

We don’t need a psychic to tell us that you’re giving off a Sapphire vibe. People with blue auras feel everything strongly — you tend to get a little emotional at the drop of a hat. You’re also deeply spiritual and introspective. Matters of the heart, mind, and soul are important to you, and your waters run as deep as the ocean. Nurturing by nature, you’re likely a loving, supportive caretaker. That’s why friends, family, and co-workers adore you. They know you’re a good listener and always have great advice and a shoulder for them to cry on. In fact, if we had to find a fault, it’s that you can be a tad too self-sacrificing. Remember that it’s okay to say no sometimes. You forgive everyone else their weaknesses, so go ahead and forgive yourself for a little well-deserved selfishness. Indulge your creative side and do something artsy, or just take a break from being the world’s counselor. You’ll come back refreshed and ready for more.

You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and you’re not afraid to use it. Serious, intellectual types like you meet their match with a cool color that sparkles with the same striking intelligence as you do. That’s why Sterling Blue is the ideal match for you! This is not to say that you’ve always got your head in a book. Not by any stretch. While you may not be the person at the party kicking off the karaoke, you’re probably the one starting up stimulating conversations and making your cohorts chuckle with your quick wit. You’re likely to have an insatiable curiosity that’s catchy, and friends who know that you are a great person to turn to when they need a logical head to help them sort through their problems. So keep it up with your sterling hue of blue. You probably have a way of keeping things deep that people truly appreciate!

Ok…Time to get political     LOL…I was thinking about this on my way to work. 

I was thinking about same-sex marriages.  I, personally, feel the government has no right to deem same-sex marriages as illegal.  Save for Vermont & Hawaii (the only 2 states I currently know of), no other state allows for homosexual marriages.  Why the hell not?!  Who or what is the government to say that one form of marriage is legal & another isn’t it?  Marriage is a commitment between two PEOPLE.  Gender should not justify or unjustify the sanctity of the marriage.  This country was founded by people trying to flee from oppression, and yet, the government is still oppressing a certain type of people.  I read or heard somewhere recently about some bill Bush is trying to pass in the hopes that it will lower the divorce rate & bring back the commitment behind marriage.  That’s fine, but it needs to be applied to same sex marriages, too.  Oddly enough, I am a registered Republican, but this is something I have to disagree with Republicans on.  It’s not right to deny people their happiness simply because it doesn’t fit in with YOUR beliefs or lifestyle.  There is nothing wrong with good, old-fashioned marriage values, but those need to be brought up to date & to embrace the diversity that is the American society.  If I was to meet a woman & we decide that we want to commit to each other, why can’t we?  Using “Deer” as an example, why would she & I be denied happiness & the opportunity to legaly build our own future?  No, granted, marriage is not the only way to commit to each other, but the option should be available to EVERYONE.  The government has no right to say that a same-gender relationship is wrong or immoral or illegal.  I am friends with 2 lesbain couples & both have been  committed for years, and have wanted to get married, but because the government doesn’t understand that love & happiness can manifest in various ways, they are not allowed to.  Bottom line, that just isn’t fair.  It’s not right.  If “Deer” or any woman & I decide that we want to build a life together, we have every right to.  This bothers me, it really bothers me.  It’s a form of oppression.  The gay community is still fighting for the same rights everyone else has, and they shouldn’t have to.  Nor should the black community have had to fight in the 1860′s and 1960′s.  Rights should not be denied to anyone based on color, religion, sexual orientation or otherwise.  As a nation, we have come quite a way in order to be open & accept others from all walks of life, but we are no where near the equality we claim to have/be.  But we need to work on achieving that equality.  We need to take more strides, bigger strides towards that Utopia our country is made out to be.  Same sex marriage is not the only form of oppression going on in America right now, but it is an issue & it needs to be addressed & the situation does need to be rectified.  As I said before, this country was founded by oppressed people, people who wanted to be completely free & to express themselves.  That freedom they wanted for themselves should be extended to everyone.  The government has no place in our private lives.  I think this bumper sticker says it all:

Dreamt about Mike AGAIN last night.  I’m gonna burn some sage & light a blue candle tonight…don’t need this negative energy in my apartment & certainly not getting into my dreams.  The past 2 mornings, I’ve been waking up feelimg like I have no teeth because I’m grinding my teeth so damn hard!  Sleep is not supposed to be stressful    Plus my sleep last night was very broken, thanks to Akh.  I love her, but I’m ready to kill her, too.    I’ve never had a cat before, and I did not expect kittenhood to be like this!    I’m sure in a couple of years, I’ll be wishing for this time back.  Doesn’t it always work that way? 

Gini, my office manager called.  Workman’s Comp is paying for EVERYTHING!  Including my antibiotics.  Wohoo!  I’m siked.  I was on the phone with her for only about 5 minutes, and we got everything taken care of.  It was easy.  I used to think workman’s comp was for SERIOUS injury, but apparently they’ll take care of everything.  As you can see, I don’t mind that at all 

Got MAJOR cleaning to do today.  It’ll be a nice, quiet day at home, cleaning as I watch TLC daytime (Cheesey, I know).  At least I’ll be productive    Well, I probably should go start on that.  Have a wonderful Monday, all! 

This is Akhenaten, the little terror you’ve all heard about    Hope these aren’t too dark.  Enjoy!

Good Sunday Morning, all!  I’m just woke up.  My mom & Dick are at a Christening today, so it meant I could sleep later & move a little slower today before heading out there.  I had an interesting night last night.  It started with me buying magnetic eyebrow rings on-line.  I would LOVE to get my eyebrow pierced, but my family would kill me & it could be a real hazard at work.  So, I bought 2 rings (one blue, one silver) that I can take on & off as I please & not have to worry about the risk of scarring my face 

I had to sew a pair of scrub pants, so I was in bed last night sewing away (I LOVE to sew, don’t know why, but I do).  Akh was in bed with me.  At first, she tried attacking my thread.  Not cool    After a few times, she figured it out & then fell asleep right next to me.  It was so cute.  Once I was done, I tried falling asleep with her.  It worked for about 1/2 hour, then she work up & playing chase the feet under the blanket.  I think that is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, but then she began pulling at the blanket, and I wasn’t too thrilled with that.  So, I put her on the floor, she went into the living room & I then shut the bedroom door.  I fell asleep to hearing her run around    I need to break her of this nocturnal thing 

Mike was in my dream last night.  Hell, he WAS the dream.  I don’t know how we got to where we got to, but I was “watching” him make xanga entries (although they were more like video games than journal entries).  And we were arguing the entire time about God & going to heaven, etc.  I kept trying to reiterate <sp?> to him that I KNEW Christianity, and that certain things that were said or done were not done in the true spirit of the religion.  I was trying to explain being a messenger & loving everyone the way Jesus did, etc.  (We debated this a few times during our short relationship).  I also told him there isn’t only one path to divinity (Heaven), but of course on all accounts, I was wrong.  This is a perfect explanation of how frustrated I have felt since he converted & we broke up.  Before then, he didn’t care what I did as long as it didn’t hurt him & I didn’t try to persuade him.  Neither of which I did.  Then, suddenly, I become evil incarnate, and he cannot compromise with me on any issues because it would go against his religion.  I honestly don’t have a problem with anyone who finds their faith in Christianity.  But, please do not push it on me, and why does your religion have to put up these brick walls that the rest of us have to go around to accomodate you?  My religion doesn’t do that.  Most people I know & associate with don’t do that or have that problem.  I get frustrated by this because people make judgements about me without having walked one second in my shoes.  Until they know what it’s like to live with a neuromuscular disease, or to have grown up in an abusive home, been in abusive relationships (including a marriage), been homeless & hiding from your stalker-soon-to-be-ex-spouse, etc. , don’t tell me I’m going to hell because I have tattoos or curse more than a truck driver.  I have every right to after what I’ve been through.  I heard about (and follow) a religion that encompasses all & is peaceful & truly understanding & I’m going to hell for that too?!  And my Catholic family is going to hell with me?!  I could have sworn it was the same Jesus.  I told Lauren that maybe one worships the white Jesus & one worships the black Jesus, I don’t know.  Otherwise it makes no sense that one form of Christianity is going to heaven & another isn’t.  If Christianity is the only way to go, how can you exclude your own kind?   Because their worship service is different than yours?  Do you REALLY think God is sitting up there watching worship services, saying that chruch A has it right on, but church B isn’t doing it right, even though they are worshiping HIM/HER/IT?!  Somehow, I don’t think God is into THAT much detail, folks.  As I said to Mike, and a few people along the way, my father claims to be born again.  What born agains are telling me is that my pedaphile, womanizing, selfish, money hungry father is going to get into heaven before me.  Somehow, I doubt that.  The Bible says God will judge people on their hearts, not their words.  That’s all I need.  God will see my heart & see my father’s heart & see who really deseves to get in. 

I’m sorry to have gone off on a tangent like that, but this kind of stuff just eats away at me    I’ve ALWAYS hated prejudice of any kind, whether it was racism, sexism, prejudice against gays, or what have you.  This is another form of prejudice.  To tell good, innocent people that they’re not good enough for your diety.  Who are you to judge anyone else?  How dare you speak on behalf of  the creator when you don’t know!  That’s one of the reasons I always say that anything & everything is possible, I’m not going to worry about reincarnation Vs. Heaven Vs. just being dead.  I don’t know, my opinion will change nothing, so why get so worked up about it?  I don’t know what’s gonna happen & why speculate?  Sorry!    Whatever it is, it is.  As Wicca says, to each his/her own.  So long as you harm none, do what you will. 

PS.  TOTALLY off the subject    How does everyone like my new colors?  Is it easy to read?  Personally, I’m really starting to like it, it’s soft & feminine & has a bit of a mystical feel to it, but I’d like to know what all of you think.  Let me know     Love ya!

Hello, world.  I feel like shit right now.  I’ve been feeling “off” since the bite Wednesday night/early Thursday morning, and working 3 full days after the bite & the snow & everything else, has just made it worse.  By the end of the day today, I could bearly keep going.  I’m REALLY tired & achey, feel slightly feverish.  Don’t know if I’m sick or it’s the infection or a funky reaction to the antibiotic (but I’ve been on this before), or what.  Well, I plan on just laying low tonight & sleeping.

Akh does have something going on, so we’re putting her on eye meds for now & I have to monitor her for sneezing/URI.  Both her maxillary (upper) deciduous (baby) canine (fang) teeth are retained as her adults are coming in.  Just one more thing to add to the list.    She’ll be ok.  I just want to get this show on the road with her.  Although, I weighed her today & she was only 3 lbs, 10 oz.  That’s REALLY little, maybe too small for surgery.  She’s much smaller than she should be at her age.  Oh well, I guess she’s just gonna be a tiny girl.  As for surgery, I’ll have to wait & see.

Well, here are more test results from e-mode.  I recommend e-mode to everyone, their tests are really cute & a lot of fun    Enjoy!  Good night all, blessed be!

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ANIMALS:

No bones about it, you’re a perky, loving Cocker Spaniel. (Think Lady from Lady and the Tramp.) Playful and energetic, you’re a real people person — er, dog. People can’t help but fall hook, line, and sinker for your friendly, well-rounded personality and natural charm. It’s a subtle thing, though — being outgoing and flirtatious, not showy, is the name of your game. Friends, co-workers, and potential dates can’t help liking you. How could they not? Your winning-yet-humble ways make you popular, admired, and a joy to be around. Woof!

Aww, you sweet Puffin. You probably fall on the more traditional side of the relationship spectrum. Mating to you is more about expressing your feelings and being in love than having a frisky frolic on an island with someone you’ve just met. You probably take a cue from your puffin counterparts in the wild who are monogamous and keep the same mate for life.  You won’t be serving many pick-up lines on your menu for romance. But that’s not to say that you aren’t colorful and playful. You’re just more cuddly-sweet than come-hither. You probably would swim the seven seas in search of your soul mate. Once the search is over and you’ve found that special someone, you’re the type to settle into romantic bliss — for good. Your loyalty and devotion are unquestionable. And canoodling with your mate is one of the richest rewards in life to people like you. Essentially, what it comes down to is this: When you find the right one, bye, bye, birdie! You’ll be off the market for good.

Say what? Your superpower is ANIMAL COMMUNICATION! Many people pretend to talk to their pets, but you can really, truly do it. Have you ever mimicked the monkeys or the penguins at the zoo? If you have, you’re on your way to becoming a great animal communicator, just like Aquaman with his fishy friends. Some people think animal communication has to be vocal. Not so. Any superhero knows that mental telepathy is where it’s at. So while barking at Fido might be fun, it’s not the practice you really need. Instead, try thinking like an animal. When you get into the mindset of, say, a squirrel, you’ll be able to truly communicate with one. Of course it’s a two way street, because you’ll be able to understand everything they say back, too. And they’ve got a lot to tell! Imagine talking to a walrus about the deep ocean or to an ant about life underground. Once you’ve perfected your superhuman gift, you’ll never be without interesting conversation.

Not much to report today.  Hand is slowly healing.  It hurts like hell, though.  When a co-worker touches my finger to help me bandage, it REALLY hurts.  But it is getting better.  The antibiotics are at a REALLY high dosage.  Doreen told me to lessen it, but I’ve already taken 3 or 4 doses at this amount.  Lowering my dosage could actually help any bacteria hanging out in there, so I’m just gonna keep going with it.  It’s 2000 mg bid (twice daily) which is a lot.  Hell, when I had the reduction done, I think the Cephalexin I was on was only 500 mg tid (3 times) for only 3 or 4 days.  This is Clavamox (Augmentin), which is a lesser antibiotic than Cepha, but I don’t need a big gun like Cepha & I don’t think that I need 4000 mg total considering that I’m at my lightest weight ever    Whatever, as long as it heals, I don’t care 

Work wasn’t slow, but the day dragged.  I’m pretty wiped tonight.  Nothing too exciting except for a client who practically molested me in the room!    I set up a room with this cocker spaniel.  Got the history & got everything set for a doctor.  Larkin goes in with me (She just graduated from vet school, she’s like 26, I often view her more as a friend than a “superior”).  So, we go in, and I’m TRYING to hold the dog for Larkin.  The woman keeps trying to grab him & restrain him herself.  In the process, she “brushes” against my left breast 3 times.  Then Larkin needs to empty the anal glands.  So, we tell the woman that I need to hold onto the dog for this.  Again, her hand meets my left breast as she hands him over to me.  So now I’m holding the dog, the woman is right next to me, on my left by the dog’s head.  She’s petting the dog with her left hand & then proceeds to put her right arm around ME.  She was literally HUGGING & SQUEEZING me!  Larkin & I couldn’t look at each other, or we would have just burst out laughing.  As Larkin is doing her thing, the dog begins to squirm (obviously).  As he’s moving around, I feel my left elbow getting really close to the woman’s neck, so I told her it might be better if she didn’t lean on me because I couldn’t hold onto him well & I might elbow her in the throat.  She says ok & moves herself & then proceeds to have her right hand on the dog’s head or neck, which was, of course, by my left boob.  She was petting something & it wasn’t the dog!  LOL.  Yes, it was creepy, but it was funny as hell.  LOL…Never a dull moment at this job!    I said yesterday it never ceases to amaze me.  I meant that the medical aspect of this job was amazing, but that clearly applies to the clientele as well!  LOL.

Well, I need to go soak my hand, give myself my weekly facial, shower & get some other random stuff done.  Have a good night, all.  Stay well, stay warm.  Blessed be & much love to all of you!

Phew!  I am beat!  I’ve been feeling weird all day, feverish at some times.  Even though it’s localised, I think the infection in my finger is really bothering me.  I’ve been taking my meds, but I need to be careful because it upsets my stomach    LOL…I can never win    I’ll be fine.  Finger hurts like a mo’ fo’ every once in a while, but it could be worse.  It’s just hard cleaning & dressing it myself when the wound is on my dominant hand 

Akh’s bloods came back normal.  Wohoo!    But now it looks like she’s fighting a minor viral infection or maybe a URI.  Probably gonna have to put her on meds    Gotta make sure she’s 100% before we get her into surgery.  Poor baby girl!  She has had such a rough first few months of life!

We had the weirdest thing happen at work today.  We’ve had this very sick cat hospitalized since yesterday.  He looked old & thin & appeared to be dying.  We all said things under our breath about how he should be put to sleep.  He was old & in respiratory distress, put him out of his misery!  Today, Dr. Jacobson told me to set stuff up for them to sedate him & look in his mouth.  He was a nasty cat & his mouth was filled with pus, so he needed to be sedated for a THOROUGH exam.  Zawie & Jakie were walking down stairs with the cat discussing the case.  Zawie was saying that he had spoken to the owner & the owner was hopeful that it might have been some kind of foreign body.  Both Zawie & Jakie laughed saying, “Yeah, right!”  Zawie was assuming it was cancer.  So, they sedate the cat & prop his mouth open.  Jakie exclaims that he sees something.  Zawie gets a hemostat, and Jakie then proceeds to pull out a VERY LARGE HAIRBALL from the cat’s soft palate.  It was huge!  Cat INSTANTLY started breathing better, acting like his normal, obnoxious self.  Instantaneous recovery.  Amazing, huh?  We talked about it all day.  It will never cease to amaze me, that’s for sure.

Totally off the subject, in response to your response to my last post, H, I see your point.  I never thought of it that way.  Honestly, I’ve always been afraid that a woman would be MORE critical of my body.  I guess I feared that a woman who has the same body would be more critical or disappointed with me/my body.  Maybe not, though.  I won’t know until I’m with a woman, and I’m sure the right woman would make all the difference.  No matter who/what, I just don’t wanted to be judged or criticised any more.  I want to be taken for ME.  I am so much more than my boobs or ass or tattoos.  My outter shell is NOT a reflection of the person inside.  I’m just so self-conscious & nervous.  I’ve been alone for so long & have heard so many hurtful things about my body or sexuality or whatever, that I’m afraid to disappoint another person, or to have this last fragile peice of myself broken.  I have a lot of love to give, I just need that same love & nurturing spirit reciprocated.  I need to feel safe in a relationship for once.  I think I’ll finally experience that with “Deer.”  Sigh…Daydreaming…..