Well, I’m home again today…Voice keeps coming & going…I’m blowing my nose like there’s no tomorrow & I figured that that combination would not appeal to the clients. Jakie did NOT seem happy, but would he rather me out for 2 days or the entire staff out for a week? Hmmmm….That’s a toughie!
So, I’m going to write about something that has plagued me my entire life. Robin & I have touched on this subject a bit, but I don’t think I’ve ever really let it out fully before. Please, though, understand I’m not looking for sympathy. This is just me expressing my throughts and feelings on this subject. It’s not a pity party, I’m just trying to release some demons. That being said, let’s get to the subject at hand….
I’ve always felt like I have no talents. Robin & I have talked about being born with just that one great gift, but neither of us feel we have that (although she is RIDICULOUSLY smart…graduated Cum Laude under grad, had 4.0 GPA for her masters & then went to vet school….WAY too smart!). See, my brother, Bryan, is EXTREMELY talented. He’s always wanted to be an actor, and as some of you know, that is what he is doing. He’s also VERY artistic….He can draw VERY well. He can sing as well, and is very coordinated. I always thought writing was my gift, but he writes extremely well, too. He never studied dance, but he can dance. He’s the type that can do anything on the first try. He’s good looking, and his IQ is higher than mine. And, of course, he’s the older brother. So, I kind of lived in his shadow. But add on to living in that shadow, the neuromuscular disease with balance, depth perception, spatial relation & coordinational problems, tone deafness, a learning disability, and not being very attractive & you have me. It was difficult enough overcoming those coordinational & neurologic problems, but trying to find MY talent, trying to prove myself in some way comparitive to Bryan was nearly impossible. I worked my ass off horseback riding & dancing, and he still kicked my ass without even trying. Even though I was born tone deaf, I took voice lessons & I can carry a tune, but Bryan can hear something on the radio & play it pretty damn close on my grandparents’ piano, as well as sing. I can’t draw…Flat out…Not even gonna try…I did & it was pathetic! 
That’s ok, though. But everything else, he just excelled at, and I was kind of left behind. And as much as I love academics & studying, my learning disability does continue to hinder me to some degree. Bryan, again…VERY smart. And my mom likes to remind me of his very high IQ every once in a while, which REALLY helps my self-esteem! Now, mind you, I have the best grandparents in the world. They are EXTREMELY supportive, my grandmother thinks I’m a genius & they love me unconditionally. They have been rooting for me all my life, for which I cannot thank them enough. But, as a child, I wanted to find my own nitche, and never could because Bryan could do everything I did & better. There was also my father in the background reminding me that I was nothing but a piece of shit because I was a girl & I was stupid & ugly & talent-less, etc. All the more reason for me to push myself & try to prove myself in some way. Never could, still haven’t. Granted, I LOVE my job & I am good at it, but it’s not rocket science….You do not have to be a genius to do this work & I have worked with some people that can prove that. It just makes this all the more difficult. Even though I feel as if I have found my “calling” – my purpose in life, it’s still not a natural born talent. There is nothing I can call my own, in terms of a gift. And it hurts. It hurts in the way that I want to be appreciated & respected like Bryan is. If it were not for my grandparents, I would not have received any praise or encouragement in my childhood. My mother is not a monster, please don’t get me wrong. But she LOVES Bryan. They are very similar in personality & he is talented. He is her first born & he didn’t have the problems I had/have physically or mentally (I am a slightly disturbed child coming from that household). My mother doesn’t understands me, nor does she put in any effort to try to. However, I am VERY happy with who I have become & where I am going in life (intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, etc.). But, I still feel like I lack in something. A cook I am not; creative or crafty, I am not. I don’t have one thing I can point to and say, that is mine, that is what I know & do & am good at. It’s just difficult, is all. Bryan aside, I would like to have SOME kind of talent, something I can be proud of. Maybe brag about a little, but I don’t. I believe we are all here to teach & learn from each other. And I have learned much from the people & animals in my life (yes, I believe that animals are teachers, too), but I don’t feel I have anything to teach, to give back. Perserverance? Is that a gift? Are stupid determination & stubbornness talents? Is that all I have to offer? That’s not much. That’s just my Aries rising (or my Puerto Rican temper/stubbornness) talking. That’s not anything exceptional. It’s just there, just in me. A refusal to give up, and also a refusal to complain because there are so many people who have it worse & they REALLY don’t give up. THEY are true heroes. And I’m not even one of them! LOL…..It just feel like I’m stuck in limbo….no talent, and no sob story that’ll make you cry, and/or inspirire you to find your power within. Am I getting my point across? Again, I’m not complaing…I am WAY too fortunate to complain. I have no reason to. I just look at myself & wonder what the hell do I have to offer? What can I give to the world? It seems like nothing. And that bothers me…I want to be able to GIVE before I leave this world. I want to know that somehow or another, I gave something to someone. I helped someone, I taught someone, I gave something positive to at least one person out there. This is not a selfish thing like, “Oh, I wish I could sing better so I could make lots of money.” This is, “I wish I had a talent I could teach someone, or share with them.” If you want to use singing as an example, I wish I could teach people how to sing, or serenade someone, or create beautiful music with someone that we could share & up-lift others with. That is what I am looking for. And I’ve been looking all my life. Still haven’t found that one thing….
No, I’m not depressed This has just been my reality. I accept it, and will do the best that I can with it. I just wish I had more to give.
Thank you all so much, that means more to me than you’ll ever know. You are all such great blessings to me & I really appreciate having each of you in my life, even if it is only through xanga. A million thanks to each of you.
So, I’ll be headed back to bed in a bit. 
This dog was in renal failure. He had contracted leptospirosis, which is a virus carried in the urine of wildlife” possums, raccoons, squirrels, etc. If a dog drinks the urine, or steps in it & then licks his paw, he contracts the disease. It causes acute liver & kidney failure. It is treatable, but it leaves permanent liver & kidney damage. It is also possible for humans to get it from their infected pets. So, Magic DID have lepto, he was treated & then was ok. But for the last 6 weeks that I knew of, his kidneys were failing. We had him in & out of the hospital for fluid treatments, meds, blood re-checks, etc. They also began to see an herbalist to work in conjunction with our treatments. I just kept getting them in my room when I would do appointments, so it kind of became my case. We knew it was a matter of time, but I had NO idea that they put him to sleep. I saw his family last night & asked how he was & they told me they were there to pick up his cremains! I felt like such an ass, but I did offer my deepest sympathy. There were very sweet people & they loved Magic so very much. They gave us beautiful flowers & wrote an unbelievable card to Robin….I had to hold back the tears, unbelievable. I’m glad that he’s gone because he WAS suffering, and it was painful. At least I know he’s comfortable now, but it is hard & I feel horrible for the family, I really do. This is one of the hardest parts of the job….getting so close & attatched with clients, that their loss becomes yours as well. It’s a part of life, I know that. And again, I’m happy his suffering is over. You do miss them, though….
I am so sick right now: I’m disgusted at myself. I feel so low. I purposely didn’t eat, I’ve been working out, I’ve been watching what I eat, all to avoid this & all for nothing. It doesn’t help that I feel like a balloon b/c of my period, but I wasn’t even retaining water when we shot these. I feel so horrible….Any hope/growing self-esteem that maybe I was starting to get thin & look good: GONE. I’ll write about my day & dinner with Pam tomorrow. Right now I really gotta go to sleep. 