Month: February 2004

  • Nothing new to report here.  Gotta go into work early today to get my insurance papers processed.  Wohoo!  I have a LIST of docs I need to see.  Gonna find me a new Gyn (fun!), get a regular Internist of course, and a neurologist to start.  I used to have my own little fleet of docs just a few years ago….Internist, Plastic surgeon, neurologist, gastroenterologist, gyn…I think that was everyone  :)   I have so much that I need to take care of medically, I can’t wait to get this ball rolling.  More than anything, I’m really hoping to find a GOOD neurologist this time.  I went back to LIJ last time, since that was where my pediatric neurologist was, and I thought maybe I’d be best going to such a big hospital (although I had problems with them before.  After meeting with this neurologist, I have decided that no matter what, LIJ SUCKS!).  That guy was great at first, but he turned into such an ass.  I came REALLY close to getting my tubes tied, and my gyn wanted a form from him (the neurologist) saying that I was strong enough to withstand the anesthesia.  So, I called him up and asked him if he could do that.  He said he didn’t know what the problem was, why was she requesting that.  I told him that she did not feel comfortable putting me under until she heard from him that my myopathy wouldn’t be too much of an anesthetic risk.  He yelled through the phone, “You don’t have a myopathy!” and hung up.  Can we say Jackass?  So, now I’m hoping to find a GOOD neurologist, one who will actually do the muscle biopsy I need to find out WHAT I have.  I have been through such a barrage <sp?> of tests…EMG’s, blood tests, literally EVERYTHING but the much needed biopsy.  I can’t keep fooling around any more.  Now I need to buckle down & get the answers I’ve been waiting for my whole life. 


    Wow, that was quite a tangent there!  LOL…Sorry.  I’m doing ok, I guess.  I gotta exercise & get ready for work.  My back is KILLING me today.  Not good.  Hopefully I’ll be ok lifting at work.  Well, I think that wraps up things here in hell….I mean NY   :)   Have a great day everyone.  Take care & blessed be!

  • Last night was amazing.  Hold on, get your minds out of the gutter  :)   LOL.  Quick, but wonderful story.  Akh was laying on my belly last night as I lay in bed.  As I was petting her, I was really trying to give her some good energy & to help her understand that she’s got 3 big surgeries coming up, but that I’m doing it to help her.  I just didn’t feel like I was communicationg with her correctly.  So, as I’m laying there petting her, I asked Goddess to help convey that message.  For her to understand that going to work with me is for her benefit, and that she needs these surgeries, and I’m doing it because I love her.    As soon as I thanked Goddess & said, “So mote it be,” Akh kinda stretched/half got-up.  She touched my pentacle (not in her usual play manner, but literally just touched it), Sat on my chest, licked my face (what cat does that?!) and then fell asleep on my chest!  I think she got the message.  It was a very powerful moment.  It was wonderful and amazing and reassurring and comforting all at once.  A real blessing.  So, that’s it  :)   I’m off to get ready to go see mom & Dick now.  Have a great Sunday, everyone.  Blessed be! 

  • I was going to write about work, but I came home to such craziness & disorder.  Now, I’m just exhausted & my mind is fuzzy  :)   So, instead of me rambling, here are some tests results for me from Quizilla & E-mode:


         


    Dark magician. You love the dark because of it’s beauty and just the life that no-one else sees. Mysterious, calm, quiet… But that doesn’t mean you’re not friendly!


    *******************************************************************************


    You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and creativity, and usually are highly intelligent. Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


    ********************************************************************************



    For some unknown reason, you don’t like yourself very much, so you express this through self - mutilation.  You feel you need to be punished, but you’re not so weak that you need others to do it for you.


    ***********************************************************************************


    Good night, all!  Blessed be.


    PS….You all should check out druid.meetup.com and witches.meetup.com   They sound really cool.  It’s a way to meet other pagans, and it’s an international thing…These local groups all meet up like once a month all around the world!  Don’t worry, they have a TON of other topics over there, from pets to politics.  It’s not a dating service kind of thing, but meetings for these groups.  Go check it out!

  • It seems like most of the people I subscribe to haven’t been on in days.  I’ve been on 2 or 3 times today.  Geez.  Pretty pathetic, huh?  I’m just  homebody by nature.  I prefer to be home, be in a quiet atmosphere.  But I don’t get out much & I don’t have a lot of friends because of it (although, the friends I DO have are the best.  I couldn’t ask for better.  They are true blessings to me in so many ways).  Anyway, my pathetic Friday nights at home on Xanga were not the topic I had in mind for today  :)


    I got a couple of e-mails from Stephen yesterday.  We’re planning the dolphin tattoo & discussing the photo shoot for all my ink.  I’m excited, I can’t wait to get this finally rolling.  But, I’m also nervous.  I haven’t seen Stephen since right around Christmas.  I don’t know how he’s gonna act.  I don’t know what to expect from him.  Lauren & I discussed this last night.  She told me I should write him an e-mail before I see him next week to make sure we’re on the same page.  I know she’s right, but I really don’t want to.  Shit like this isn’t easy for me.  I take after my mom in this regard.  We’re both very non-confrontational.  I hate to hurt Stephen’s feelings (I know, I can’t put his emotions before my well-being), and I’m just uncomfortable being the one to say anything.  He has such trust issues.  Am I going to make them worse for him?  I wish with all my heart that he would come to me & tell me he met  someone else or that my nurturing personality was overwhelming for him (which I know it is).  Sigh/Argh.  This is so difficult for me.  I have some time to think it through, in terms of what I want to say & how I want to say it.  But that doesn’t make it any easier.


    That being said, I think I need to go off on a tangent here for a second to clarify something.  Since Mike, I have had more “interests” & bizarre things happen to me in the Romance Dept. than I’ve ever had in my life before!  I did not date in high school.  I met my ex, got married, got divorced & met Vinny.  That was pretty much my entire dating life.  Things/people came up here & there, but everything died very quickly, or it didn’t blossom at all.  Most of the time it was my imagination at work, which ended up hurting me more (living in a fantasy world is NOT a good thing).  I was sabotaging myself.  Then pretty much everyone & everything died down.  There was a total draught for most of the past 2+ years until this past October when I met Mike.  Granted, that was shorter than the time it takes me to put my socks on in the morning, but it was something.  Literally the minute we broke up, Stephen asked me out, that TV show called (nothing ever came of that, btw), and I began fantasizing about “Deer.”  This is so atypical of me & my life.  This is why I’ve seemed to kind of hop from one love interest to another.  I’ve never been so confused like this before.  I’ve never had so many “potentials” (shitty way to describe it, but I don’t know what other word I could use).  I’ve never been in a position to be making decisions like this.  It’s so much more than I’m used to.  Meanwhile, I got an e-mail from my mom the other day about some guy she thinks would be perfect for me.  Although I greatly appreciated the gesture, and he does have long hair (always a plus for me), I have to wait until after Valentine’s.  I need to know what “Deer” thinks before I say or do anything else.  As much as I want a partner, I find this to be more than slightly overwhelming.  I’ve always looked for that movie/storybook fantasy where the 2 people just know the instant they lay eyes on each other.  You don’t see those movie characters going through those awkward first few dates or what have you.  They don’t have the insecurities or idiosyncracies I have.  Sigh….I wish “the one” would just step forward from this crowd so I could just be with them & not go through this stage.  It’s a part of life, I guess.  Right? 


    I hope that makes sense.  I know I’ve been seeming like I go up & down, back & forth on all these people.  I am not like that in any way, please understand that.  I’m actually very stable & devoted in my relationships (the other person may not be, but like a dog, I stick by them until I can’t take it any more, or it’s time to go to bed :)    ).  Anyway, even if no one reads this, at least it’s off my chest.  It kinda eats away at me sometimes….


    It’s 8:30 & I still haven’t exercised or showered yet.  I should get going.  Don’t really want to…I’d much prefer to crawl into bed & sleep, but if I want to look good for that photo shoot, I’d better at least do some ab work.  So, I guess I’ll sign off for now.  Good night, world.  Take care & blessed be!

  • Hey, did you hear the good news?  Massachussetts is gonna legalize same-sex marriages!  Wohoo!  It’s about time!  I was so excited when I heard that yesterday morning on the news at work.  Here’s an article I copied from the Optimum Online Home Page.  It seems like MAYBE, just maybe people are starting to realize that love encompasses all, surpasses all gender, race, religion, etc.  Marriage is about 2 PEOPLE who love each other, not a white man & a white woman.  People are people, no matter what their color, religion or gender.  It’s about time the American Government sees that, appreciates that & gives the same legal rights to all its citizens.


    The Massachusetts high court declared Wednesday that gays are entitled to nothing less than marriage and that Vermont-style civil unions will not suffice, setting the stage for the nation’s first legally sanctioned same-sex weddings by the spring.


    The court issued the advisory opinion at the request of legislators who wanted to know whether civil unions would be enough to satisfy the court after its November ruling that said gay couples are entitled to all the rights of marriage. That decision had been written in such a way that it left open the possibility that civil unions might be allowed.


    But Wednesday’s opinion by the Supreme Judicial Court left no doubt: Only marriage would pass constitutional muster.


    “The history of our nation has demonstrated that separate is seldom, if ever, equal,” four justices wrote. “For no rational reason the marriage laws of the commonwealth discriminate against a defined class; no amount of tinkering with language will eradicate that stain. The (civil unions) bill would have the effect of maintaining and fostering a stigma of exclusion that the Constitution prohibits.”


    Julie Goodridge, left, and her partner Hillary, right, who are the plaintiffs in the Massachusetts gay marriage lawsuit, speaks to reporters following a news conference in Boston, Wednesday, Feb. 4, 2004 to discuss the advisory opinion issued by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court on Wednesday.  The court issued the opinion that only full, equal marriage rights for gay couples, rather than civil unions, would meet the edict of its November 2003 decision, in response to an advisory request f


    Paul Martinek, editor of Lawyers Weekly USA, said that the blunt opinion erases any confusion.


    “The fat lady has sung and she’s singing the wedding march,” Martinek said. “It’s clear from reading the majority opinion that there’s no basis on which the (court) will OK anything other than marriage.”


    The much-anticipated opinion came a week before next Wednesday’s Constitutional Convention, where the Legislature will consider an amendment backed by Republican Gov. Mitt Romney that would define marriage as a union between a man and a woman.


    But the soonest a constitutional amendment could end up on the ballot would be 2006, meaning that until then, the high court’s decision will be Massachusetts law. Gay couples could get married in Massachusetts as soon as May, the deadline set by the court last fall.


    “We’re going to have to start looking for a band,” said Ed Balmelli, who put down a deposit for a wedding after the opinion.


    The case represents a significant milestone in a year that has seen broad new recognitions of gay rights in America, Canada and abroad, including a June U.S. Supreme Court decision striking down a Texas ban on gay sex.


    Ohio State Rep. William Seitz testifies before the Ohio State Senate Finance Committee in support of the Defense of Marriage Act during a finance committee hearing on the bill at the Ohio Statehouse in Columbus, Ohio, Tuesday Jan. 20, 2004. (AP Photo/Paul Vernon)


    The White House called the Massachusetts ruling “deeply troubling.”


    “Activist judges continue to seek to redefine marriage by court order without regard for the will of the people,” said presidential spokesman Scott McClellan.


    The legal battle in Massachusetts began in 2001, when seven gay couples went to their city and town halls to obtain marriage licenses. All were denied, leading them to sue the state.


    The Supreme Judicial Court ruled in November that gay couples have a constitutional right to marry, and gave the Legislature six months to change state laws to make it happen.


    The state Senate then asked for more guidance from the court.


    “The dissimilitude between the terms `civil marriage’ and `civil union’ is not innocuous; it is a considered choice of language that reflects a demonstrable assigning of same-sex, largely homosexual, couples to second-class status,” the justices wrote.


    At least one aspect of the case may still be subject to debate: Would marriages in Massachusetts have to be recognized in other states?


    Conservative leaders said they would redouble their efforts to pass the constitutional ban on same-sex marriages.


    “This now puts the pressure back on the Legislature to do their job to protect and defend marriage for the citizens of the state to allow them to vote,” said Ron Crews, president of the Massachusetts Family Institute.











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    2004
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  • I cannot thank all of you enough.  Thank you for those kind, sweet words.  It really means a lot.  A million thanks to you all.


    I had a few things I was going to write about today, and I may get to them yet, but I MUST share my drive home just now.  I came from the witch store & went home a way I normally don’t go.  But it was amazing!  I was equadistant with the sun and the moon.  I felt the energy from them both.  The warmth and strength from Amun-Ra (the sun), and the peace and femininity of the moon.  It was so peaceful and balanced and beautiful and wonderful.  As I drove past the old airfield in Calverton, I saw some deer grazing in the field.  They were all young.  I was taken aback, I didn’t expect it(they shouldn’t have been there).  It was a great sight.  Not too long after that, a flock of blackbirds flew over my car.  I was awestruck.  It was simply amazing.  Immediately after that, a butterfly flew right in front of my car!  Goddess and God were speaking to me in such a powerful way.  Gaea has never reached out to me so blatantly before.  It was amazing.  I’m looking up information on blackbirds.  I found that they are often associated with the tree of life, that they are a sign  of connection (or to strengthen the connection) with the natural world.  According to my oracle, they represent the gateway between the 2 worlds, and an inner-focus.  Butterflies represent change.  And deer represent gracefulness and femininity.  I am still in awe of this message and the way it was revealed to me.  I was planning on meditating tonight anyway, so if anything is revealed to me, I’ll let you know  :)


    I bought this GORGEOUS chalice at the witch store.  It’s black with my celtic symbol (I’ll explain in a second) with some kind of reddish-pinkish-purple stone in it.  I call the celtic symbol mine because it really spoke to me.  It was a symbol I saw in Scotland & I just instantly felt a bond to it, and I was amazed as its beauty (mind you, it is a very simple design).  We even integrated it into my chest/torso tattoo.  It is beautiful.  You will all see pictures of it as soon as I get the pictures of my tattoos done.  But back to the chalice.  It is beautiful.  I bought some incense, rosebuds & a ring too, but this chalice is great.


    I’ve been thinking about Nyako a lot lately.  Been seeing a lot of cancer the past week or so, and just other things that really hit home.  I miss her like hell.  And I never let myself fully mourn her loss.  That was part of the reason I wanted to meditate tonight, not only to honor the waxing moon, but to hopefully release this.  Not to release Ny, she’ll always be with me & I want it to stay that way, but for me to release the pain & sorrow & guilt.  I probably sound stupid still mourning the passing of a rat, but we really were kindred spirits.  I always said to myself that she was me.  Her life was a reflection of mine.  And her personsality & behavior were similar to mine, or were behaviors I wanted to emulate.  She was such a blessing to me, and anyone else who knew her. 


    Work today was busy, and very interesting.  I got to do a dentistry (Wohoo!), and put in a catheter, assist, etc.  I helped Robin work on a hamster which sadly probably won’t be around much longer.  Then we worked on a Mourning Dove who came in a few days ago.  She had a hole in her crop & skin.  Since birds can’t chew, their food goes into the crop first where it is ground up before it goes into the stomach for digestion.  So, this poor thing would eat, but the food was literally falling out of her!  It was so sad.  So, Robin & I anesthetized her and Robin began cutting tissue & suturing.  She actually finished & sutured the hole, but the dove had passed.  It was sad.  She had clearly been attatcked by something & she tried so hard to survive.  She wouldn’t have lasted much longer, and we did this in the hopes of helping her.  It was either try or just euthanise her.  At least we tried in her name, our intentions were good.  And, at least she passed without suffering.  There wasn’t any pain, she just slept.


    Well, I think that’s everything.  Sounds like enough, doesn’t it?  :)   I’m off to excercise & then eat dinner.  Take care, all.  Have a wonderful night.  Blessed be! 

  • First off, I need to thank Herbwytche for explaining Candlemas to me.  I’m not surprised the Christians tried to “fix” a pagan holiday.  I used to explain that to Mike.  I would tell him that modern paganism has its roots in the oldest religions in the world.  I explained Yule to him, how it was the celebration of the shoretest day of the year,  the celebration of the return of the sun.  A holiday of light, if you will.  And I pointed out the coincidences of Kwanazaa & Hanukkah also being festivals of light, as well as Christmas.  I used other examples from the wheel of the year as well.  It’s kind of sad that one religion has to steal & bastardize holidays from another religion.  Whatever  :)


    Secondly, I’d like to thank TheSparrowHeals for welcoming me to Hippiedom.  I’ve been a hippe for a while, now it’s just official  :)


    Thanks to ChenTaijiPrince for all the kind words.  They are greatly apprecited. 


    I was thinking today about how happy I am.  How happy I am with where my life is, how I’ve come out on top despite all my obstacles.  I’m proud of who I am.  I also take pride in the fact that I acknowledge that I’m a work in progress.  That I desire to become a better person.  That changing & improving myself does not come from a dictation from an outside source or person, but rather an internal desire.  I know I’ll never be perfect, but I know what my weak points are, and I want to improve on them.  I have come so far.  Just like wyhen I was dancing & choreographing & I would watch my piece & ask myself how could I make it better?  How could I create more interesting shapes?  How could I present a strong message through movement?  Or when I sang, how could I use my technique, breathing, crescendo or decrescendo to create a more powerful, interesting sound?  The same applies to my life.  What can I do & how can I do it to improve myself on the inside & outside.  And I’m excited about that.  Just as I would get excited when the dance piece was ready for the show, or the song was ready for recital.  From an artistic perspective, this is the excitement before the show or exhibit.  It’s also the excitement of the blank canvas or pile of wet clay that is not yet molded.  I have no idea where I’m going to go, how I’m going to grow and learn.  And that is the excitement.    Even coming out to myself, accepting my bisexual nature has helped.  For years I denied that part of myself.  Now that I accept it and am starting to come out, I feel like a flower that is beginning to bloom.  I’m finally growing into the beautiful human being I was meant to be.  And that thrills me.  I told Goddess last night in my ritual to take that love & passion & desire from me.  To use this happy, excited energy that is within me to heal herself.  To restore Gaea to what she should be.  To use me, to use my energy to bring healing, health & restoration to the world.  I am so blessed, and I want to give that feeling of blessedness back.  Part of the karmic cycle.  I’m giving back what has been given to me.  To put out more love and positive energy.  The world needs it, and I have plenty of it  :)   I am so blessed, and I want to put those same blessings out, to give to others, to bring blessings to others.  And I could not be half as blessed as I am without all my Xanga friends.  Thank you all for coming into my life & being such beautiful, warm souls.  Thank you for lighting up my days.  You are all wonderful people.  Thank you all so very much.  Blessed be!

  • Happy Imbolc!  I hope this beautiful holiday finds everyone well.  I’m going to do a ritual later tonight & cast off my spell-work for Sandy’s dog Cleo at Orient Point.  I have to see if I have any white clothes that’ll keep me warm today  :)   It is time to thank the Earth for all she’s given us, to give her back energy & nourishment as new life begins to grow.  Blessed be!


    Akh is getting better.  Last night she actually slept with me & cuddled during Survivor.  This morning she’s more rambunctious.  That’s fine.  I’d much prefer for her to be wild during the day, so I can at least sleep at night  :)   I scheduled her spay.  Wed., Feb 25.  Robin will be doing surgery that day & it’s my surgical day, so at least I can be there for her.  Gonna try & shoot for her first knee surgery to be at the end of March, when she’s 6 months.  I’m getting nervous about that.  I will keep you all informed as time draws closer.  Other than that, she’s still being cute & wonderful, with a touch of obnoxious  :)


    Survivor last night was interesting.  All the castaways are people from previous Survivors.  Everyone in his tribe wants Rudy off ASAP.  They were one of the tribes that won immunity last night (there are 3 tribes this time, so 2 won), so that didn’t happen.  But, when they do lose, that will be very interesting to watch.  As for the team that did lose, I was kind of shocked.  Tina, the winner from Australia got voted off.  Now, winners Vs. non-winners aside, the whiney bitch who started that line of thinking (Jenna, I believe her name was.  She was from one of the 2 seasons I missed) should have gone.  She didn’t do anything but whine & complain.  And last night has me worried for Ethan.  He’s good.  He’s an important person, a good asset to have.  They would be foolish to vot him off next simply because he won.  And Rupert surprised me.  I really thought he would side with Ethan & Tina.  He had his reasons, I guess.  Just not the outcome I was expecting  :)  


    Well, I guess I should go get some breakfast & get ready.  I have a bunch of stuff to do today.  That is if Akh will stop getting into things for 5 minutes & let me do what I need to do  :)   Anyway, have a great day all.  Happy Imbolc & Blessed be!