March 6, 2004

• Hello world.  First & foremost...What is going on with Xanga?  Betwen "up-grading" yesterday...  Today, I can post comments on SOME sites, but not everyone's....BIZARRE!  

  
  

  So, yesterday & today sucked...BIG time.  Work was insane.  I ended up doing emergency surgery with Robin on a dog that was attacked by a couple of other dogs (house-mates, mind you & this isn't the first time this happened to this poor dog.  Don't get me started, this REALLY pissed me off...) And today, we had 2 emergencies come in before 9 am.  Can we say craziness?!  Not to mention, everyone at work has had a huge bug up their ass & it's made it to be a bad past couple of days for me.  I'd really rather not re-hash it...It annoys the shit out of me.  Best not to dwell.  But, it has got me thinking...

  
  

  I just don't get it.  I like where I work, I do some really interesting things there & overall, it's pretty good.  But, I stand out like a sore thumb.  I do not belong there.  I know I'm odd, and I've come to embrace that (to some extent).  But, I just don't blend with these people, not even close.  Ok, fine, so I don't "fit in" (geez, how high-school does that sound?!).  But, ya know, I've worked in A LOT of places.  I can tell you horror stories from pretty much every one.  Now I know work is not going to be paradise, but could I at least find a job that treats me like a human being?!  So, of course, "scientific" person that I am, look for lowest common denominator: ME!  It has to be me.  Are my expectations too high?  Am I really the problem?  If almost every place was so terrible & the only thing they had in common is me, what does that say about me?  I decided today I don't really belong anywhere (high-schoolish sounding, I know.  Hear me out).  I am strange, I'm the first to admit it.  How I got this way, I don't know.  All the abusive relationships in the past?  I'm sure they had SOME effect on it, whether it's the only reason or not, I don't know.  Was I born this way?  I've always been "different" since birth...Again, I just don't know if it's more magnified, if experiences/people helped increase it or what.  It just sucks.  Not that I want to be the typical, "normal" Long Island girl.  Perish the thought!  They are superficial & whoar-ish & not very bright....Yuck!  But, I'm looking for that sense of home...Never found it in NY, and really only in 1 job which I regret leaving.  I don't know where to go.  I know people help that sense, but right now, things are odd with people.  Lauren & I are good, but she lives so far away, so it's hard.  Things have been off with Dawn, Justin & that gang.  I have no idea what's up with Lynn or Stephen or that crowd.  And, well, there's something going on with some women.  I placed an on-line ad with a lesbian/bi magazine.  Been talking to a couple of women, but nothing of any real consequence or significance has happened as of yet.  This is new for me & is just odd, twisting my world in a new way (and it's not bad either).  But, I don't feel worthy.  I feel like a short, lowly, unattractive piece of shit that, according to some co-workers this week, can't do anything right.  These women are GORGEOUS.  I am sure that they want nothing to do with me.  Why would they when they have so much better to choose from?  Sigh....I wish I was never born.  I'm not suicidal, but...I just don't belong here, I don't have a clue as to what my mission here might be.  It, and me/my existance, just seem rather pointless.  I promise, I'm not depressed or suicidal.  But, right now, I feel like my dad was right all along.  Oh well.  C'est la vie...Such is life, right?  Well, I'm off to cast off this negative energy...Gonna meditate & then I have a spell to cast.  Good night, all.

  • 9:24 pm
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