March 19, 2004
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Well, I've been duped. Didn't expect this of all things, but it's typical of my life.
Do we all remember "Deer"? The beautiful woman who I had befriended through here, and we had "flirted" with each other on-line & over the phone. Remember how I sent a dozen roses for her & a box of chocolates for her kids on Valentine's? She called me the next day to thank me, and we had a nice, long conversation. A couple of days after that, she e-mailed me, discussing "us" and where we went from there, etc. I e-mailed her back & said to her that no matter what, I valued her as a friend, and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. That she needed to do what was best for her, and I looked forward to continuing our friendship, if nothing else. Well, ladies & gents, I never heard back from her. Not via e-mail, not by phone, not even here on Xanga. And then, tonight came. I had an entry posted here already - just bs, little stuff, really. I fooled around on-line for a bit & then decided to check good old curvemag.com. No new e-mails. Ok, cool. Just for fun, I checked "Who's online now" - it gives you a much broader spectrum to look through. My profile was on top because I was the most recent person. So, I scroll down, looking through profiles, seeing if there's anyone new. Then, I saw my profile again. I had been pushed down by new people who had logged on since I had. "Oh, let me look to see" I said to myself, wondering if there were any interesting profiles. And there she was, staring right back at me. A picture she had taken & e-mailed to me a long time ago. "Deer" is back on the prowl. Apparently I'm not good enough for her. Apparently she doesn't think she needs to show me the respect to say, "Hey, Laur, listen. No offense, but I'm just not comfortable with this." Hell, even if she told me it was ME she had the problem with, at least she would have shown me some fucking respect! No, instead she avoids me for a month, only to look for other women. She had sent me a picture of her (a while back), with a heart on fire that she (or someone) had drawn on - it was obviously marker, and it's on her chest, her hand is on her breast underneath the drawing. Well, let me tell you that picture is on her profile with the caption "You touch me right....Here!"
Yes, I'm mad as hell, and I have every right to be. Damn it, I made a nice gesture for her AND her kids. I wanted to be sure to include them, I thought that was only right. And this is how she thanks me?! I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to do her own thing, but I think I deserve some respect after all this. I'm hurt. I'm fucking disappointed. Why didn't she even have the decency to just cut it off with me if that's what she wanted?! I'm mad, I'm hurt, I feel used - I feel like a piece of shit. Yet another person who just couldn't show me a little respect, a little common decency. World: 5 Lauren: 0 Ex-hubby, Vinny, Jimmy, Mike & now "Deer." What more do I have to do? I gave the men in my life the world & that wasn't good enough for them. I was about to do that for her & it still isn't good enough. What the fuck do you people want from me?! Why the hell can't you treat me like a fucking human being?! Fuck you....I believe in Karma....I believe it'll come back to you. And one day, I'll get a lover who will treat me the way I treated all of you. Like gold. The way I deserve to be treated. Not like this.... (9:20 pm)
Addendum: Please tell me....Someone, please....I do deserve better than these shitty self-centered relationships, don't I? It's been 2 1/2 years...Am I that much of a reject? Was my father right all along? There's no one I can go running to....No one I can call who might make me feel beautiful or sexy, or at least desireable in some respect. Of course, I called Lauren. But, I don't have a man or a woman here who would hug or kiss me. No one to comfort me in any kind of a romantic way... What the fuck is wrong with me? (10 pm)
Second Addendum: I keep coming back. I rotate between e-mail, xanga, and curve. I'm reaching out, hoping that an e-mail from Lauren, Pam, Stephen, or one of the women I talk to from curve is waiting to hug me. Hoping that maybe there's a kind word here on xanga. That maybe "Deer" wrote an e-mail to me on curve, apologizing. I'm isolated here. Partially by choice, though not completely. I keep coming back hoping that someone or something is here. To hold me, to take me, to sweep me off my feet. That maybe somehow, through the magic of fate, it will all be better. It will all go away. This sadness, pain, hurt, anger, lonliness.... It's not going away, and I know that won't happen, yet I continue to check, to hope. It's 11 pm. I'm normally in bed by now. I should be. Physically, I need to. Emotionally, I don't know if I can. Sigh....Apparently me & my emotions are just play things for these people. When will it end? When will I get treated properly? How much longer do I hve to let my heart get stomped on like this before that magical love enters my life? I don't know if I can hold out much longer.... (11 pm)
Comments (5)
i have a hard time believing that the world hasnt noticed your heart and how special you really are, but dont give up, its out there, its waiting for you -
your too wonderfull to not be completely happy the rest of your life
also, if you want me to hunt down "deer" for you, just let me know, i have a lot of built up angst
hugs hon
Oh, sweetie! :bighug: If I was there I'd hug you till you couldn't breathe right! You can't let everyone else dictate how you feel. It's always up to you whether you are happy or not, and I know that you know that.
As I see it, it's Lauren 5 - World 0. If it was any other way, you'd still be with those jerks.
Don't forget, just because you get dumped doesn't mean that you didn't come out on top of the deal. You are obviously better off without them. Why spend energy on someone that doesn't want you?
And even though I know it hurts, 'cause you had decided that's what you wanted, you know if it was what you were supposed to have you would be having it.
I love you, Sweetheart. And I would let you know that if I were anywhere near to you. You are one of the beautiful people in this world that make it worth my while to be on this planet.
I know you're hurting, but don't you ever doubt that you are loved. There is love for you - so much more than you know. It just isn't what you were hoping it would be this time around.
Take it easy on yourself, OK? You are in no shape to go beating yourself up right now. Take care of my dear friend, will ya? I'm not close enough to do it myself, so I am depending on you to do it for me.
Love and light to you, Sweetie. Love is there, it just isn't ripe enough for you yet. Don't go trying to pick it too soon, it has a sour taste. :bighug: :lip_kiss:
Blessed be ~
Herbwytche
hey baby. i wrote this long comment to you and then when i clicked to submit it, i realized i wasnt signed in.
how bright of me.
the gist of what i have to say is ...they are the competitors and you are the prize.
Let them fight for you. Don't give yourself away too easily.
Anyone worth something is worth crying for, fighting for, dying for...i always believed that.
and you are worth it. Anyone who does not want to do that, is not for you. I know about the wait, but good things come to those who do so.
Any lover worth your time would earn it.
And one more thing...there isn't a Greater Lover than Jesus Himself.
And He loves you lots.
Donna
Arrrgh--why can't people be up-front about their feelings? Instead, so many would rather leave someone hanging or confused rather than open their mouths and clarify what's going on. *grumble* I feel your pain--this really bites.
I suppose it's a good thing that you found this out about her before the relationship had progressed any further? Ack, whatever--you've got my prayers, my friend.
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