Addendum: (Yes, I’m putting it in the beginning this time….’cause I’m crazy like that!)

As per my 1 am NY time conversation with Tat2Jay, I have restored my picture.  Ooh, scarey, I know.  And Jay….Don’t be embarassed about curve mag….I still think you ended uo with the better deal: Lesbians vs. just curvy women….Hey, it’s all good.  Ya know, we could make our own mag….Like a “Double Curve” or something….Curvy lesbian women!  LOL.  Anyhoo, I look forward to sending your kids the puzzles, let me know what they think.  I’ll make sure to send enough so you can play too    Thanks for a great conversation!

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Ya know, in looking back & reading all this, I think it’s time I write about my father.  I think if y’all knew a bit more about my childhood, you could better understand where I’m coming from & why I say the things I say.  It was his birthday on Wed (St. Patty’s day), and I know I’ve given tidbits here & there, but his “role” in my life is one of the major factors of me being the way that I am (tattooed, insecure, in that cycle of abuse, etc.).  So, I’ll tell what I can remember.

First off, he is still alive.  He turned 66 on Wed.  I have not spoken to him in close to 10 years.  It’s better that we do not communicate.  Although I have moved past the abuse, he & I fight terribly & I don’t want to put Bryan in a position where he feels like the rope in a tug o’ war.  Not fair to him & my life is better off without that fighting.  Slightly less complicated 

My father verbally abused me my entire life.  If we still communicated, I’m sure I’d still be hearing that shit.  Ugly, stupid, not good enough, etc.  He also would tell me things like my brother was so much better than me because he was carrying on the family name.  I told him I’d never change my last name, he told me I had to because I was girl.  Bottom line: There was nothing I could do to “rectify” my lower status, it was just never good enough for him.  There was another time, after my parents divorced – after they split, they decided to give my brother & I an allowance because we had 2 rooms to keep (one at mom’s & one at dad’s).  It was every other week.  I got like $5 per parent, Bryan got like $10, or something like that.  Anyway, one day, Bryan went up to my dad & asked him for his allowance, dad handed it right over like it was nothing.  I was right behind Bryan & asked for my $5.  My father told me he couldn’t give me my allowance because he had to pay his mortgage that month.  Young, innocent, trusting child that I was, I said ok & walked away.  Now, mind you, I’m not bitter about this any more, but yes, I do still remember.

My father also sexually abused me for 7 years.  From ages 5-12.  I remember the last time he tried to touch me vividly.  In my opinion, there’s no need to discuss it because it is a strong memory, but it is a good one beacuse I got him, and he never bothered me again.  Most of my childhood is fuzzy – I blocked a lot.  But there are certain things that stick out in my mind.  Also, there were notes I wrote to my mom & would hide under her pillow, there were things I said to my mom, my grandmother, or even teachers.  I may not remember everything, but between my memories & these relatives, notes, etc…..All the gaps are filled in.

That has changed me in so many ways.  I am fearful of sex.  Besides my father, almost all of the sexual encounters in my life were rape (my ex-hubby & Vinny both….ex hubby was worse).  So, I shy away from sex, I do not have a healthy understanding of love making in a consentual way, where it is beautiful between two LOVERS.  I know it exists, but I haven’t had it.  I have tattoos for a few reasons. (1) Control – a way for me to regain control over my body.  (2) Self-esteem – a way to counter his verbal abuse & to feel beautiful.  (3) I’m crazy & I really like them!   My hair is short & I dress to cover to make myself appear androgenous because of his abuse.  I don’t want to be androgenous, but I fear getting hurt again.  My personality is different: I let people walk all over me because it’s what I’m used to.  It’s very hard to describe, but it has an effect on every facet of your life & persona.

I was always so jealous of friends & schoolmates who had close father-daughter relationships.  To an extent, I still want that, but I have it with my grandfather & my mom’s boyfriend, so I don’t need it or to look for it.

I always wanted to join the military to prove to myself & to my father that I could do anything.  I still do & say things with the that thought in my head.  Big or little, I’m still trying to prove myself to him, even though he’s not here.

This is how & why entries like that one from last night get written.  This is what I carry around with me.  This was the beginning of the abuse cycle in my life.  As a child, I loved, honored & respected my parents.  They were my parents!  They wouldn’t lie to me.  What they said HAD to be true, right?  That’s why I still hear him telling me that shit.  Logically, I may know it’s not true, bit it’s very hard to undo an imprint from childhood.

Please understand, I am not depressed.  I am just writing to get this out.  It’s not often I get chances to go into any detail about this.  I am doing pretty damn well, if I do say so myself.  I’m getting through life, I am strong.  I survived this long.  I’d say I take a licking & keep on ticking, but that’s asking for trouble!   But, you get my point.  But, it seems no matter how far I go, he’s always right there, whispering those things to me: whoare, ugly, stupid, no good, fat, …   

He’ll get his in the end.  3/4 of his children don’t speak to him (I think my half-brother might be on-again-off-again, not sure).  He’s a sick, pathetic man.  I wish he’d see his problem, get help & better himself, but he hasn’t & I doubt he ever will.  That’s ok.  That’s not my burden to bear, just his.  I hope he can live with it.  Well, anyway…That’s part of my genepool    Have a great night, all.  Take care, much love & many blessings to you all.

Happy Ostara, everyone!  I hope that first day of spring & the new moon give you a new start – a feeling of renewal, warmth, peace & happiness.  Have a beautiful day, everyone.  

My horoscope for today: You grow jealous of someone else’s luck. It could happen to you, too any day in this time of new beginnings. To invite the spirit, you must be a receptive host — otherwise, who knows what you’ll get?

That is my prayer for myself today.  To be open, to be receptive, to continue to blossom and grow.  To give, and to open myself up to receiving.  I will be out casting magick for others and myself tonight, and sending all of you love & positive energy.  Take care, each of you.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Addendum:

First off, thank you all so much for your kinds words & support.  It means a lot.  It’s so hard trying to prove my father who said no one would ever love me wrong when stuff like this happens.  And as for waiting, I know I need to, but I’m not a patient person   It’s just difficult being the only single person my age in my circle.  As you all said, though, if it’s not meant to be…  Which I know, and understand.  Life is going on fine, it was just such a disappointment.  But c’est la vie.  There are many things not within my control & this is one of them.  Jay, as much as I’d love to say yes to hunting her down, I just don’t think that would be the best idea   Any cute single men or women in your are of Tennessee?  I hate NY…I’ll move!  LOL.  I do want to move, but that’s another entry all together   Anyway, a million thanks to you all.  Hugs to all of you.  I am going to get ready for my ritual celebration for Ostara.  Have a blessed night all of you.  I cannot thank you enough.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I’ve been duped.  Didn’t expect this of all things, but it’s typical of my life. 

Do we all remember “Deer”?  The beautiful woman who I had befriended through here, and we had “flirted” with each other on-line & over the phone.  Remember how I sent a dozen roses for her & a box of chocolates for her kids on Valentine’s?  She called me the next day to thank me, and we had a nice, long conversation.  A couple of days after that, she e-mailed me, discussing “us” and where we went from there, etc.  I e-mailed her back & said to her that no matter what, I valued her as a friend, and I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.  That she needed to do what was best for her, and I looked forward to continuing our friendship, if nothing else.  Well, ladies & gents, I never heard back from her.  Not via e-mail, not by phone, not even here on Xanga.  And then, tonight came.  I had an entry posted here already – just bs, little stuff, really.  I fooled around on-line for a bit & then decided to check good old curvemag.com.  No new e-mails.  Ok, cool.  Just for fun, I checked “Who’s online now” – it gives you a much broader spectrum to look through.  My profile was on top because I was the most recent person.  So, I scroll down, looking through profiles, seeing if there’s anyone new.  Then, I saw my profile again.  I had been pushed down by new people who had logged on since I had.  “Oh, let me look to see” I said to myself, wondering if there were any interesting profiles.  And there she was, staring right back at me.  A picture she had taken & e-mailed to me a long time ago.  “Deer” is back on the prowl.  Apparently I’m not good enough for her.  Apparently she doesn’t think she needs to show me the respect to say, “Hey, Laur, listen.  No offense, but I’m just not comfortable with this.”  Hell, even if she told me it was ME she had the problem with, at least she would have shown me some fucking respect!  No, instead she avoids me for a month, only to look for other women.  She had sent me a picture of her (a while back), with a heart on fire that she (or someone) had drawn on – it was obviously marker, and it’s on her chest, her hand is on her breast underneath the drawing.  Well, let me tell you that picture is on her profile with the caption “You touch me right….Here!”

Yes, I’m mad as hell, and I have every right to be.  Damn it, I made a nice gesture for her AND her kids.  I wanted to be sure to include them, I thought that was only right.  And this is how she thanks me?!  I’m not saying she doesn’t have a right to do her own thing, but I think I deserve some respect after all this.  I’m hurt.  I’m fucking disappointed.  Why didn’t she even have the decency to just cut it off with me if that’s what she wanted?!  I’m mad, I’m hurt, I feel used – I feel like a piece of shit.  Yet another person who just couldn’t show me a little respect, a little common decency.  World: 5  Lauren: 0  Ex-hubby, Vinny, Jimmy, Mike & now “Deer.”  What more do I have to do?  I gave the men in my life the world & that wasn’t good enough for them.  I was about to do that for her & it still isn’t good enough.  What the fuck do you people want from me?!  Why the hell can’t you treat me like a fucking human being?!  Fuck you….I believe in Karma….I believe it’ll come back to you.  And one day, I’ll get a lover who will treat me the way I treated all of you.  Like gold.  The way I deserve to be treated.  Not like this….  (9:20 pm)

Addendum: Please tell me….Someone, please….I do deserve better than these shitty self-centered relationships, don’t I?  It’s been 2 1/2 years…Am I that much of a reject?  Was my father right all along?   There’s no one I can go running to….No one I can call who might make me feel beautiful or sexy, or at least desireable in some respect.  Of course, I called Lauren.  But, I don’t have a man or a woman here who would hug or kiss me.  No one to comfort me in any kind of a romantic way…  What the fuck is wrong with me? (10 pm)

Second Addendum: I keep coming back.  I rotate between e-mail, xanga, and curve.  I’m reaching out, hoping that an e-mail from Lauren, Pam, Stephen, or one of the women I talk to from curve is waiting to hug me.  Hoping that maybe there’s a kind word here on xanga.  That maybe “Deer” wrote an e-mail to me on curve, apologizing.  I’m isolated here.  Partially by choice, though not completely.  I keep coming back hoping that someone or something is here.  To hold me, to take me, to sweep me off my feet.  That maybe somehow, through the magic of fate, it will all be better.  It will all go away.  This sadness, pain, hurt, anger, lonliness….  It’s not going away, and I know that won’t happen, yet I continue to check, to hope.  It’s 11 pm.  I’m normally in bed by now.  I should be.  Physically, I need to.  Emotionally, I don’t know if I can.  Sigh….Apparently me & my emotions are just play things for these people.  When will it end?  When will I get treated properly?  How much longer do I hve to let my heart get stomped on like this before that magical love enters my life?  I don’t know if I can hold out much longer…. (11 pm)

Howdy all.  This’ll be short as I’m not feeling great at the moment.  Tummy is up & down, back & forth.  I was hungry a minute ago, now not so much.  I’m stressing, though…Got MAJOR shit going on, I’d prefer not to delve into it simply because it makes me feel like a low-life, which I’m not, but this stuff makes me feel like I am.  Stress is definetly not good for someone with a bad stomach.  Anyway, today’s post is about a phone call I got this morning.  The vet that I bring Tobar, my bird, to called me (well, his office manager did).  I had left a resume with them a while back.  Well, they called today offering me a position with AWESOME hours.  I’m going to call her tomorrow to talk & find out details.  If the money is good (has to be at least 2-3 dollars an hour more than I’m making now), I might take it.  I know there’s BS everywhere you go, so I’m not ready to just up & leave yet.  Only if they can offer something good.  I figure there’s no harm in talking, right?  So, that’s the scoop….I really need to lay down or something.  So, have a good night, all.  I’ll catch up with you tomorrow.  Goodnight & blessed be!

Is Chivalry Dead?  I’ll let you decide after reading this…

It snowed yesterday & part of last night, not too bad, but snow none the less.  I woke up this morning & actually would have been early to work when I got to my car.  I started my car to heat it up & the proceeded to brush the snow off.  I used my jacket sleeve, thinking it wouldn’t take long.  But there was a sheet of ice over EVERYTHING.  I searched around my car & couldn’t find my ice scraper.  Hmmm.  I hit the button for my trunk, but it was frozen shut!  I turned on my windsheild wipers, they didn’t help much.  I was going in & out of my car, using what I could to somehow clear off my windsheild & back window.  Mind you, I had no gloves on, my hands are red & freezing by this point.  There is a man scraping his car next to me (literally next to me).  He’s just scraping away happily, as I am in & out of my car, cursing, trying to clear of my windows & about to call work & tell them I’ll be late because I need time to defrost my car, because I can’t see.  This goes on for 10-15 minutes.  The man next to me says nothing.  As I sit, and try to chip away at the ice with my hands & elbows, a young guy (probably pretty close to me in age) comes up from behind me, hands me a little mini ice scraper.  I thank him, and he nods, and walks away, asking nothing in return.  I begin to scrape, and giant sheets of ice come crashing off my car.  The man next to me stops & actually watches me for a minute & then continues on with his scraping.  In only a minute, what I had been struggling with for a while, suddenly is no longer a problem.  Interesting way to start off my day…

Irony: Lauren gets a bad IBD attack on Sunday, and is told she needs to be on an even more restrictive diet than before.  On Tuesday, 2 days later, the 4 boxes of girl scout Samoa cookies (the coconut & chocolate ones) she ordered a month or two ago, arrive.

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I had a prophetic dream last night.  That makes #3.  The second one came true the next day.  #1 is still in progress, but I see it happening.  Last night’s dream was that I got into vet school – one school in particular.  I don’t want to ruin it, so I’ll leave it at that, but I’m really excited about all this now.

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Thank you, Sairen.  That was quite a compliment.  I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but I’ll gladly take it   Thanks again.  And just so you know, you rock, too, Honey!

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Taby, Ostara is Sat. March 20, on a new moon!  Yea!   I’ll be doing a lot of work for myself & others.  Although, it’s snowing here right now & if it stays this cold & the ground is frozen I don’t know what I’ll do since I can’t bury eggs.

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I’m actually very close with my mom, Herbwytche, but even WITHOUT knowing these things about me, she makes comments about me being odd, or the difficult child or what have you.  In my little optimistic mentality, I think that if I tell her these things maybe she’ll understand me more & not view me as so “odd” or different.”  I doubt that optimism is correct, though.  Oh well.  It’s all good

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I’m off to go curl up & watch more L-Word (Showtime Sunday nights at 10, Showtime on demand, you can catch up on the first 10 episodes, Taby).  Feeling pretty shitty today, and that whole “irony thing” didn’t help   LOL.  Have a great day all.  Blessed be! 

Hello all!  Thank you all so much for your love & concern.  I am doing better today, and I just plan on taking it really slow & easy this week.  bit by bit, my stomach is recovering, though.  Thank you so mych, your kindness means the world to me.

I’ve been catching up on the L Word.  I’m up to episode 6 or 7.  Oh my god!  So good!    So much going on, and I’m lovin’ it!  You see, Playmakers was my soap opera last season & when I heard it was cancelled, I was heartbroken.  What was I going to do with myself (Ok, I might be exaggerating here just a tad, but you get the idea ).  Now, I have my new soap oera & I love it.  Karina Lombard….Sigh….That is one GORGEOUS woman!

I did want to make a post about Ostara, and now would be a good time to do so

Ostara, Ostre, Oestara (I think those are the various spellings.  Please correct me if I’m wrong) is a pagan holiday.  It is on the Spring Equinox.  Now is when we celebrate the day & night being equal.  The time of fertility & growth has arrived.  Now, the story I’m about to relay is what Rob from my witches group told me.  This is the story of the Easter egg hunt (first of all, do we not see the closeness of the words Easter & Ostara?!  Hmmm….)

Many witches used to bury eggs at Ostara (We still continue to do so.  I myself will be performing this ritual).  It was for fertility.  It was to give the Earth fertility & to thank her for what she gives us.  Well, the old Christians (I’m sorry to my christian readership.  I mean no personal offense or attack on you, this is history, though), who hated & feared the witches did not like their tradition at all.  So, they sent people out to hunt the eggs.  It was a way to hunt & persecute the pagans, and to undo our fertility ritual.  Nice tradition, huh?  The easter egg hunt we play with our children has its origin in persecution & a lack of acceptance to other traditions.  Right up there with ring around the rosey stemming from the plague.  Oh, what lovely things we teach our children…

Anyway, continuing on my paganism rant…  My mom saw my pentacle when we were in the hospital yesterday.  Oddly enough, that retardedly paper-thin hospital gown did not cover it.   My mother, thinking it was a star of david, asked me if I had turned Jewish now.  No, I said.  I explained to her it was a gift from Dawn & Justin (which it was) & that it is just a cat sitting on a star.  She seemed to buy it.  Ironically later, she read excerpts from the DaVinci Code to me    They were about the pentagram & how that represented the divine female, and other passages about Paganism & even the origin of the word Pagan!  I tried to act surprised & interested at the same time.  LOL…Not easy trying to cover something like that up   I do have to come out to her, though, soon.  I need to come out of the pagan & bisexual closests with her.  I hate hiding this, but my mother is somewhat narrow minded & isn’t always able to grasp complex concepts.  I may not be giving her enough credit, but I don’t see her being able to understand my personal evolution & decision to become a witch.  And I’m really not sure if she can appreciate TRUE bisexuality.  Not “Girls Gone Wild” bisexuality, but TRUE, legitamit bisexual lifestyles.  Part of the problem is that even if it’s blatantly in her face, she may try to hide, ignore, or deny the subject.  She does that with the issues with my dad.  She even gets flustered if I make a quick, snyde comment about my father.  She tells me to be quiet, not to say such things about him, as if he or my brother might actually hear me from 2,000 – 3,000 miles away.  She finally acknowledged the verbal abuse which is a HUGE step for her.  I’m proud of her & happy about that, but how much longer can she deny me those 7 years of sexual abuse?!  Ooops!  Sorry about that tangent.  My point was, my mother likes to avoid such uncomfortable issues.  We call her the ostrich in my family.  If she can’t “see” it or acknowledge it, it must not be there.  Hence my concern & hesitation with coming out to her about these topics.

I think have rambled MORE than enough here   So sorry!  Anyway, have a great night, all.  Take care.  Much love & many blessings to you all!  

P.S., Stephen just sent me this link.  So long as you don’t mind harsh language, click on it, it’s funny as hell!  http://www.updater.co.uk/

I woke up at 3:30 with severe abdominal pain.  I thought I’d be able to sleep it away.  I couldn’t fall back asleep.  Maybe I crean breathe it away, so I wotked on deep breathing.  Nothing.  I lay there trying to feel better & figure out what was going on.  It was getting worse.  Waves of nausea would wash over me every few minutes.  I clawled out of bed, walked over to the bathroom like Quasimoto, and ended up in a fetal position on the bathroom floor.  It was over taking all of me.  I needed to be seen by a doctor, but I ciuldn’t get up.  I debated calling my mother.  I wanted her help, but it was 3:30 in the morning.  Do I call her?  Do I call 911?  I didn’t know.  I finally called my mom.  As soon as she answered the phone, I broke down crying.  It’s rare that I cry from pain, and this had me in tears.  I gave my mom directions to the hospital just up the street from me.  She told me to call her from the hospital.  I couldn’t bring myself to call 911.  It wasn’t an emergency situation that would qualify the need of an ambulance.  So, hunched over, I loosely tied my shoes, threw on my jacket and hobbled out of the apartment.  I drove like a little old lady whose head is lower than the steering wheel.  Somehow, I got myself there.  I checked in, went through triage, signed the papers, and waited.  I waited for about an hour.  Now it’s 5 am, I still haven’t called mom.  I asked the cleaning lady if there was a phone nearby that I could use (as you can’t use cell phones in hospitals).  There was a pay phone just around the corner.  So I called & spoke to Dick.  My mom was on her way out here.  Within 10 minutes of hanging up the phone, my mother arrived, and then just a few minutes after that, I was called in.  I started to fall asleep on my bed when the doctor walked in.  He palpated my abdomen.  I was very tender pretty high, just under the liver & diaphragm.  He asked me if I had any problems with the gall bladder or gall stones in the past.  No, nothing.  As he was examining me, he was telling me that he thought it was probably more the wine I had with Pam last night.  With my stomach/intestinal history, it would stand to reason that the wine created a higher acidity in my stomach, and that raised up to the stomach & esophagus & that was the cause of the pain.  They took several vials of blood, and gave me a pill to make me more comfortable.  The bloods were still pending when this doctor’s shift was over, so I got handed off to the new doctor (one who had seen me in September for a ruptured ovarian cyst).  Increased white blood cell count, but no fever or other signs of infection.  He took 2 abdominal x-rays to check, there was a possibility of a CT scan, too.  Normal.  Everything looks & feels fine.  Gastritis due to that wine, with secondary air pockets in a few places throughout my intestines.  It is now aboyt 10:30 in the morning when my catheter is pulled, and I am sent home on a clear liquid diet for the next 12 hours.  My mom & I then proceeded to food shop.  The food, chocolates, puddings, crackers…All of it taunting me.  Teasing me, reminding me that I can’t eat it until tomorrow.  Some of it, I may not be able to consume ever again.  And now, I’m home.  Exhausted, about to shower & head out to my mom’s (she left already).  I’m feeling better, although not 100%.  Sigh…This sucks.  I know it could be worse, I always remind myself when going through some kind of trial, that there is always someone who has it worse.  It’s true, and therefore I have no reason to complain.  If nothing else, I would like to say, Damn I’m tired!  

Have a good day, all.  Hope you’re all feeling better than I am – I wouldn’t want ANYONE to go through this.  Take care.  Much love to all of you.   

Good morning (Technically, it IS morning), all!   Interesting day.  Although, the way my life has played out over the past 24 years, there hasn’t been a dull day yet.  Maybe that’s why I’m such a homebody….Trying to AVOID more drama in my life

Ok, time to catch up a bit.

First off, got a notice today that my license was revoked b/c of that speeding ticket conviction last week, only for 6 months, though.  Good news is I can get a work license & just lay low for 6 months, take another defensive driving course in the meanwhile & then I should be kosher.  Sucks big time, but I’m trying to remain calm & rational about it.  This can be fixed & dealt with.  I’ll live   Oh, and just so y’all know, I’m not that bad a driver   I do have a bit of a lead foot, but I drive a slow sedan now.  My last car was an Escort ZX2 with a sport 4 cylinder…That puppy could FLY.  I took (and still take) responsibility for my actions, and as much as I feel like a convicted fellon, I can make this work & hopefully clear the air once & for all.

Pam gave me a business proposition tonight.  Kennel opportunity – to own our own boarding facility.  To be perfectly honest, I HATE boarding, but there is a lot of money to be made, and the ideas we came up with tonight were amazing.  And some of the stuff she suggested (like chauffering the pets to & from the facility), I would GLADLY do.  I would actually enjoy that.  And I could give low cost rabies vaccines (basically the owner signs of saying they acknowledge that a DVM will not examine their pet, so if there’s a problem, it’s their responsibility.  And I am licensed to do that), we could run fecal tests, etc.  There were some great ideas exchanged tonight.  My mind’s really beem swirling about this.  I have a lot of research & thinking to do.  If I do this, I’d count vet school out.  BUT, if we did it right, the money would be amazing.  So, we’ll see.  I have a property to check out, competition to scope, etc,  Interesting idea, though.

Ok, for those of you who have been curious, the music is from a group called Grey Eye Glances.   I found them looking for Loreena McKennitt songs I could put on here, and I really liked this, so that’s how that came to be.  Go to greyeyeglances.com & you can search from there.  Once I have my monetary issues cleared, I’ll definetly buy their CD.

Thanks for the positive energy, could still use a bit more, but I’m getting there.  Pam & I and a woman she’s been talking to on Curve are talking about creating a local lesbian group.  Just a way to meet other women, to build a sense of community for all of us.  That would be nice…I need to add that to my curve profile, as well as at meetup.com  I’m just looking for that support, positivity – something to look forward to in my life, ya know?

Now, on that lesbian subject, I do not consider myself a lesbian at all.  I call myself bisexual.  To say I’m completely homosexual would deny my past relationships & the few times I had positive consentual sex/sexual encounters/foreplay/relationships with men.  Most of my experiences have been more than horrible, but there were a few positive moments, and I am still attracted to men, too.  I cannot deny my past, and I don’t know if I’ll ever end up with a guy or not.  Obviously, I am really exploring my “new” sexuality, but that does not negate or deny or take away from my past heterosexual relationships.  Oh, and by the way, I knew I’d love the L-Word, too.  I was excited about, just couldn’t wait to finally see it

I am so tired….  Oh, yeah, I still need to tell you about Sabrina.  Maybe tomorrow….I’m crashing right now.  Anyhoo, good night, all.  I wish you all a wonderful evening & all the best life has to offer.  Take care & blessed be!

Just a quick note before beddy-bye-bye.  Thanks for the positive energy…I did get a couple of responses on Curve.  One of the girls lives not too far away, in Valley Stream.  She’s 29, she’s a vet tech, too….Going through the program I just graduated from, bartends & has ink!  So, I was psyched about that.  There’s also a 25 year old in northern NJ who seems pretty cool.  But she has that stereotypical (I HATE to use this word, I am sorry, but…) Dyke-ish look to her.  So, I’m just writing to both of them, just seeing what, if anything, happens.  At least I don’t feel like a TOTAL loser

After a bit of frustration & quite a bit of waiting, IFINALLY got Showtime & Showtime On Demand…Took cablevision a little while to hook it up, but let me tell you, I was lovin’ episode 1 of THE L-WORD.  Very cool!    Once I knew I had it, I was grinning from ear to ear.  Talk about a kid in a candy store!

Ahhh…I need to go to bed.  I do have some responses & stories I want to post, but it’ll have to wait till tomorrow.  Good night all.  Much love & many blessings to you all.