To say I’m wiped out is an understatement.  And I have some thick, stinky gunk on my pant leg from a garbage bag.  ICK!  Today was ok.  My body is just not what it used to be.  At 24, it has me worried that I can’t do this for much longer.  If I can’t do veterinary medicine, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself.  I’m probably being over dramatic right now since I’m so tired.

I got a letter from my lawyer….I got convicted of that last speeding ticket.  $330 fine.  Damn it!  I’m fine, license should be fine, I meant to do a ritual before hand & I forgot.  The last time I forgot, it bit me in the ass, too,  You’d thibk I would have learned.  Every other time I did the ritual, I was fine…Cop never showed, ticket was dismissed, this lawyer worked his magic, etc.  Sigh…It just sucks.  That’s a bunch of money I don’t have right now, because I was about to pay off some big ass bills…I have several, VERY HEAVY monkies on my back right now, and I’m trying to get them off.  As soon as one comes off, a new jumps right on in his place.  And let me tell you, I am not a scum bag.  A lead foot, yes.  Scum bag, no.  But, the local court system treated me like a convicted fellon.  Meanwhile, Vinny’s roommate, Mark (Lauren can also tell you some good stories about him that she heard from me) had 2 DWI’s & 20 other tickets & he got off like it was nothing.  Dates were postponed.  He was still driving even though he had no license…And that was somehow ok.  Me?  I pay my fines, do the court thing, eventually hired a lawyer, etc….They looked at me as if dirt deserved more honor & respect than I did.  I’m just pissed, and very frustrated right now.  I’m really venting more than anything.  I’m worried.  My financial status sucks right now & this was the LAST thing I needed hanging over my head.  Well, I gotta pay it.  I need to call my damn lawyer & find out who to pay, where to send it, etc.  <Bang head here!>.  Honestly, had that douche Bankhe not been there that day…That was a cop who pulled me over another day.  Nailed me with 2 tickets: Speeding & tailgating.  The kicker?  I was doin’ 60-65 (which technically, is ok), and there was NO one in front of me for me to tailgate.  This ass did a bunch of obnoxious, evil shit that actually endangered a couple of people BESIDES me, and I fought that to the death…I filed a report against him, appealed the tickets…went to a couple of hearings, etc.  Still got convicted.  And the weird part?!  He was a client at my job in Riverhead!  I saw him once & pretty much locked myself in an exam room until he went away.  That ass – if it weren’t for him, my record would be fine.  I wouldn’t be this worked up right now.  It just sucks because I know there’s nothing I can do about it & the light I saw at the end of my financial tunnel just went out.  Damn.  Oh well.

So, I need to go watch my tape of Survivor….Although I’m really intrigued to check out my showtime on demand & the L-Word.  I need to go to bed, too.  Ah…Just shoot me!   I think I’ll just shut up….I’m rambling, and not making any good points   I keep repeating myself & that’s no fun for you guys   Oh, remind me to address some of your comments on my post about THE PASSION, and remind me to tell you about Sabrina the husky….Interesting story, folks.  I’ll tell y’all about it tomorrow when I’m in a better frame.  And, if I could…I’ve never done this a day in my life, but…  Could you put out some good energy for me?  I need SOMETHING to perk me up.  Maybe a response on curve, or some kind of good news, maybe some money (As many wiccans say, money is merely energy that flows into & out of our lives) – something that can ease my tension a bit.  I have no one here to hug or to help with my regular bills, etc.  Not only is it extremely lonely, but on my salary (which is a joke), it gets to be a big burden.  Honestly, I can’t complain b/c I have it pretty good, but I’m trying to get myself out of these jams & I don’t see it happening, I have a few major health issues I need to address ASAP, and I’m just feeling lonely & overwhelmed.  Thanks a lot, guys.  It really means a lot.  Thank you.  I hope you all have a wonderful night.  Take care & blessed be, everyone!

LOL…It seems that hand article is gonna get me in trouble   LOL…You all made me laugh with that one!

Ok, so good news….I subscribed to Showtime today & I’m getting showtime on demand which means…  ALL L-WORD, ALL THE TIME!  Wohoo!  LOL…I’m excited…I’ve been dying to see this show, and the more Pam talks about it, the more I have to see it!   I’ll let y’all know as I watch

Ok, so more importantly, I saw The Passion Of The Christ tonight, with Dick, my mom’s boyfriend.  It was interesting, although overdone, I thought.  It was a bit too dramatic with slo-mo shots of him falling, etc.  And by the way, he only fell 3 times, although the movie had him fall A LOT.  From a historical point of view: interesting, but the movie quality itself (this has NOTHING to do with the subject matter) was lacking a bit.  From a feminist point of view: Satan should not have been a woman!  He tried to make the devil somewhat androgenous, but it wasn’t working.  Her features were WAY too delicate & feminine.  Oh…And the crow at the end, picking out they eye of the “bad” thief (Sorry, I forgot his name.  The one who does NOT repent)….Totally not cool!  But other than that, it was interesting.  Some of the directing I thought was great, other parts not so much.  It was not anti-semitic at all.  If anyone looked like the bad guys, it was the Romans & the high priest (I can pronounce his name, but not spell it, so I’m not even going to try).  The one scene that really got to me was when Mary the mother went running to Jesus during his walk to Calvary, and she flashed back to running to him when he was a child.  That made me cry.  Other than that, I think Mel Gibson took some very interesting liberties (not bad, persay.  But Judas hanging himself?  Hmmmm….Interssting, thought provoking surely).  Overall, I’d say it was ok, but I wouldn’t rush to see it.  I think it was hyped up to be much more than it was.  And the gore?  Laughable.  Dick & I both agreed that Gangs of New York was much worse than this.  There was one part with a cato’ninetails, but even that wasn’t horrible.  Now, granted, I do look at body parts all day & find it intersting, but even Dick didn’t think it was bad at all.  I’d love to get into it more, but I fear I may have given away too much to anyone who hasn’t seen yet & wants to.  I wanted to go, because I felt I should.  I do believe that Jesus was an interesting man, I do not doubt that he lived.  I think he had a great message & was one of many prophets.  And, as a Wiccan who says she is open minded & receptive to all things, I needed to open myself up to Gibson’s message.  I was hoping to walk away with perhaps a different view point, or having learned something or something like that & I didn’t.  But I still don’t think it was BAD.  The 2 Mary’s (Mary the mother & Mary Magdalene) were GREAT (the mother moreso).  Magdalene was BEAUTIFUL.  As was Mary the mother.  That’s not the bi in me talking, that is just an appreciation for representing those women well (although I would have liked more, but I won’t get into that).  I know I’m kind of jumping around a bit, sorry about that!  I should probably stop, so that I don’t ruin it for anyone.  If you’re curious & want to hear more of my opinion on the movie, just e-mail me so I don’t spoil it for anyone else.  That’s it for now.  Workin’ a 12-hour day tomorrow   I need the OT, though.  Geez, do I need that OT.  Welp, I’m gonna get ready & head off to bed now.  Take care all.  Have a great night, sleep well.  Blessed be, all of you! 

When I went to Curvemag.com last night to check my profile & e-mails, I saw this article in the archives.  The funny thing is, I’ve been talking about this for a while.  I had seen a show on Discovery or TLC.  They were explaining that the length of the ring finger, as well as the difference between the ring & index fingers in males, was indicative of how much testosterone they received in utero.  The index finger is supposed to be longer for women & indicative of how much estrogen they received.  They did mention that women with ring fingers that were as long as their index finger or longer, received more testosterone in utero, and were tomboys.  This article goes a little further & says that it explains sexuality, which has been my theory since I saw that show (which was a while back).  As for yours truly…  Left hand: Ring finger is longer than index; Right hand: Very close, the index finger might be a smidgen longer, but they look to be almost the same length.  Hmmmm…

Written by: Shana Youngdahl Scientists from the University of California at Berkeley recently released a study that claims lesbians can be identified by the relative lengths of their index and ring fingers. Researchers noted that men typically have index fingers that are shorter than their ring fingers. A new study has shown that lesbians are more likely than straight women to display this trait. Also, gay men’s index fingers are significantly shorter than those of straight men. The hypothesis is that finger length and sexual orientation are linked to different levels of exposure to the male hormone during fetal development. If this hypothesis is correct, then lesbians and gay men must have been exposed to higher levels of male hormone in utero than their straight counterparts. The researchers collected data at three different street festivals in San Francisco. They questioned 720 adults, asking them their sexual orientation, and measuring their fingers. This research continues the ongoing debate of nature vs. nurture with regards to sexual orientation. Earlier research, from studies that show lesbians have similar inner ears to men and that gay men’s brains operate differently than those of straight men, also point to a biological basis for homosexuality. Want to conduct your own field research? Experts advise that you ask your test subjects to press their hands against a tabletop before you measure their index and ring fingers. (It’s harder to cheat this way!)

Today is Mike’s birthday.  I had to cross it off my calendar when I changed to March.  It’s kinda funny…I had such big plans for today for him.  I was going to cook for him for the first time (that was a big deal to him).  It was going to be his favorite dinner, and we were going to watch his favorite movie.  I had even been considering having a Limo pick him up at school & bring him here.  Damn, I’m a good girlfriend.  And yet, here I sit, alone, cold (it’s just cold outside & if it’s below 75, I’m frozen ).  I don’t wish him ill by any means.  On the contrary, I hope he’s having a nice day & that he & his folks had or have (depending on whether they went already or not) a great time at Greenfields (great restaurant in Farmingdale…AMAZING food).  It just sucks that he couldn’t look past my belief system.  I had encouraged him so much, I really took an active interest & supported him in all that he did (but sad to say, it was never reciprocated).  He is a good guy, he really is.  But, he doesn’t have much life experience, which for me is a bit of a problem considering that I have more life experience than some 40 year olds.  We couldn’t really mesh on that, but I was willing to be patient, let him grow & learn & see.  But that damn religious issue.  I don’t care what anyone belives so long as they don’t shove it down my throat.  Why couldn’t he be that way with me?!  I never gave him a reason to do what he did.  Then again, I never gave Vinny or my ex a reason, and they treated me like shit.  I just don’t get this.  I’m trying my damndest to break this abusive cycle…  Maybe it will with a woman.  I did get a note from a very cute girl in Valley Stream.  She’s 29.  Seems real down to earth & cool.  Hopefully we’ll start e-mailing each other & maybe things can grow from there.  If not, I lose nothing.  No harm in trying, right?  I wonder if because today is “Mike’s day” - maybe that’s the reason I’m kinda depressed today.  Negative/incorrect energy (for me) – it’s probabaly pretty strong out there & I’d bet that it’s dragging my spirit down.  Oh well.  I was hoping to go out tonight, and I just don’t see that happening.  Maybe for a drive, but nothing more than that.  I’m dressed up, too…Lookin’ pretty good.  I was considering going to a gay pool hall, but I don’t want to go alone.  Eh, whatever…Doesn’t matter at this point.  I should go give Akh her evening pain pill & then decide what I’m doing with myself.  So, I guess that’ll be all for now, then.  Good night. 

Good morning!  Would you believe it’s snowing?  It was nearly 60 degrees the other day, now it’s freakin’ snowing out!  Geez!  This little warm-weather Puerto Rican is not a happy camper   Well, my plan was to do major house cleaning anyway, so it doesn’t bother me too much

Thank you all for your kind words & encouragement.  It’s difficult for me being the only single person in my small circle of people.  All my friends are either married or getting married…Lauren already has her first baby (And he’s the cutest & the best in the whole wide world! ), so there’s no one I can go out with in terms of single girls’ night out, I don’t have any friends I can relate to (in terms of singlehood).  There are a couple of single girls at work, but they don’t live by the same morals I do, so I can’t really relate to them.  Plus, everyone at work thinks I’m odd because I’m a witch.  I can’t tell them that I like men & women….They are VERY judgemental….I don’t like that I can’t be myself.  Oh well, such is life.  If I get into vet school, I’ll be home free…Pam & I having our own clinic…It’ll rock!  We can be ourselves, I can run things the way I want to (instead of some really stupid, bullshit policies)…It’ll be so nice.  I hope I can get in….That would be such a wonderful dream come true.

Well, there really isn’t anything going on here except for the snow.  I’d best get started on my house work   I hope you all have a wonderful day.  Take care & blessed be, all of you!

It’s 5 am, and I just kind of woke up…now I’m finding it hard to fall back asleep.  I wish I had someone’s arms I could fall asleep in….I miss that.  2 1/2 years without that.  Sucks, it really does.  I’m not just looking for this “dry spell” to be over.  I’m looking for that companionship, partnership.  I’m looking for the soft, tender moments and the moments where you laugh your ass off.  How much longer do I have to wait & go through this?  I know (now, and I pretty much knew it then) I needed to be alone while I was in school, I had too much on my plate & I had a lot of personal growing & changing to do.  I know there are times in our lives when we are just supposed to be alone, but I really do feel at my wit’s end…it hurts and to say it’s lonely is an understatement.  Sigh….I guess I’ll head back to bed now, see if I can fall asleep.

Hello world.  First & foremost…What is going on with Xanga?  Betwen “up-grading” yesterday…  Today, I can post comments on SOME sites, but not everyone’s….BIZARRE!  

So, yesterday & today sucked…BIG time.  Work was insane.  I ended up doing emergency surgery with Robin on a dog that was attacked by a couple of other dogs (house-mates, mind you & this isn’t the first time this happened to this poor dog.  Don’t get me started, this REALLY pissed me off…) And today, we had 2 emergencies come in before 9 am.  Can we say craziness?!  Not to mention, everyone at work has had a huge bug up their ass & it’s made it to be a bad past couple of days for me.  I’d really rather not re-hash it…It annoys the shit out of me.  Best not to dwell.  But, it has got me thinking…

I just don’t get it.  I like where I work, I do some really interesting things there & overall, it’s pretty good.  But, I stand out like a sore thumb.  I do not belong there.  I know I’m odd, and I’ve come to embrace that (to some extent).  But, I just don’t blend with these people, not even close.  Ok, fine, so I don’t “fit in” (geez, how high-school does that sound?!).  But, ya know, I’ve worked in A LOT of places.  I can tell you horror stories from pretty much every one.  Now I know work is not going to be paradise, but could I at least find a job that treats me like a human being?!  So, of course, “scientific” person that I am, look for lowest common denominator: ME!  It has to be me.  Are my expectations too high?  Am I really the problem?  If almost every place was so terrible & the only thing they had in common is me, what does that say about me?  I decided today I don’t really belong anywhere (high-schoolish sounding, I know.  Hear me out).  I am strange, I’m the first to admit it.  How I got this way, I don’t know.  All the abusive relationships in the past?  I’m sure they had SOME effect on it, whether it’s the only reason or not, I don’t know.  Was I born this way?  I’ve always been “different” since birth…Again, I just don’t know if it’s more magnified, if experiences/people helped increase it or what.  It just sucks.  Not that I want to be the typical, “normal” Long Island girl.  Perish the thought!  They are superficial & whoar-ish & not very bright….Yuck!  But, I’m looking for that sense of home…Never found it in NY, and really only in 1 job which I regret leaving.  I don’t know where to go.  I know people help that sense, but right now, things are odd with people.  Lauren & I are good, but she lives so far away, so it’s hard.  Things have been off with Dawn, Justin & that gang.  I have no idea what’s up with Lynn or Stephen or that crowd.  And, well, there’s something going on with some women.  I placed an on-line ad with a lesbian/bi magazine.  Been talking to a couple of women, but nothing of any real consequence or significance has happened as of yet.  This is new for me & is just odd, twisting my world in a new way (and it’s not bad either).  But, I don’t feel worthy.  I feel like a short, lowly, unattractive piece of shit that, according to some co-workers this week, can’t do anything right.  These women are GORGEOUS.  I am sure that they want nothing to do with me.  Why would they when they have so much better to choose from?  Sigh….I wish I was never born.  I’m not suicidal, but…I just don’t belong here, I don’t have a clue as to what my mission here might be.  It, and me/my existance, just seem rather pointless.  I promise, I’m not depressed or suicidal.  But, right now, I feel like my dad was right all along.  Oh well.  C’est la vie…Such is life, right?  Well, I’m off to cast off this negative energy…Gonna meditate & then I have a spell to cast.  Good night, all.

Akhenaten looks great!  She’s doing very well.  She was up & purring & just looking cute as ever.  Thank Goddess!   She’s doing fantastic.  She comes home tomorrow!  Yay! 

Surgery went well.  She was a little light, so Doreen kept her on the high end of maintenance for anesthesia, but that’s fine…I’d do the same for any other client, so that’s no biggie.  Turns out her patella & condyle were both bery wide & flat (not the way they should be shaped….Slightly mis-shapen from birth), so Dr. Bitetto had to deepen the groovs of the condyle & then he actually shaved off the edges of the patella to help ensure stabilization.  He also manipulated the muscles & tendons to help keep everything in place, as well.  Akh is awake, she’s at the hospital.  She was on IV fluids, but I got a call about 1/2 hour ago saying that she pulled at her line.  So, her catheter was capped & they put an e-collar on her (she was going after her surgical site, too).  She’s recovering, got her pain meds, etc.  She’ll be fine.  Mommy is still recovering   I was a wreck all day…I fought back the tears just driving to work.  All day my stomach went from feeling hungry to feeling naseaous.  Bitetto didn’t get in until almost 3….I was DIEING, but everything was fine.  I’m slowly getting better myself   I’m actually hungry now   I was possibly gonna meet up with Pam & Debra again for dinner, and I’ve been calling for about an hour & I just keep getting Pam’s voice mail.  So, I’m gonna stop calling…I left her 2 messages, so I’ll just see….If I don’t hear from her soon, though, I’m gonna have to eat.  But, that’s besides point.  Thank you all for the well wishes & prayers, I greatly, greatly appreciate it.  It means a lot.  Thank you all very much.  I hope all have a great night.  Take care & blessed be!

Wild night with Pam & Debra…I’ll have to explain later    Remind me to tell you about the guy on the LIRR on our way back….FUNNY story! 

In the meanwhile, Akh’s first knee surgery is less than 12 hours away (thereabouts…We never know when the orthopedist will actually get in)….Please send her lots of love, support, positive healing energy, etc.  Thanks, it means a lot to us both.  I’ll let you all know how the surgery goes.  Good night!