Hey all!  First, off thank you for the well-wishes.  I get migraines all the time.  I do use Excedrin Migraine except at times like last night when it’s late at night, then I’ll take the Tyleon PM so I can sleep.  But I’m fine, the meds helped.  This has been a life-long thing for me.  Oh well.

So, the car show today surprisingly rocked.  I got some great business cards.  One guy can take out the old bedliner, sand & prep the bed & apply a spray on liner for $500.  What a deal!  So, I may do that next (This Thursday I’m putting in the real speakers!).  I got the OK to do a custom paint job from one of the top airbrush motorcycle artists.  He & I talked a bit & he said he liked the project, so once he & I can coordinate something so it doesn’t interfere with his bike work, then we’re cool.  That’s going to be mad-ass expensive, so it’s the LAST project, but I’m excited that I’m going to have someone I highly revere working on it.   Got some #’s for custom rims & other stuff, too.  Just no suspension/lift kit people which really surprised me since it was an off-road/motorcycle show.  So, I’ll have to research the lift-kit idea.

So, I got a call last night at work regarding a job (did I mention that yesterday?).  So, I called today.  With the exception of location, it is perfect!  It pays $10,000 a year more than I’m getting now, I’d only work 4 days a week, FULL medical, dental, life, 401(k), etc. benefits, and it would be in a mobile surgical unit for the ASPCA.  HOW COOL?!?!  I e-mailed the guy my resume.  I’m really excited.  The only thing is it’s in the city.  If it happens, though, I’ll just move to western Nassau county, and be cool.  It’ll all work out if it’s meant to be.  I hope it is, I really do.  It is exactly what I am looking for!  I’ll keep you posted on that one, too.

So, I have Beltane tomorrow & I’m heading down to VA for a few days to visit Lauren, Jeff & the baby.  I’m coming back Monday.  This is gonna be good!   So, I won’t be able to write for the next few days, just know that my thoughts are with you all.  I’ll be back sometime Monday, and I’ll do my rounds then

So, my current mood is:   LOL…Yeah, I’m having an awesome weekend!  Anyhoo, I have a ton of stuff to do, so I’m outta here for now.  Take care, everyone.  I hope all is well with each of you.  I’ll talk to you in a couple of days.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Ugh.  I have a migraine.  Just took 2 Tylenol PM’s, so hopefully that’ll kick in in a minute.  I still have to pack & get all of Akh’s stuff together, I’m leaving her at the hospital for the weekend starting tomorrow. 

Called yesterday about getting a new pager, it arrived today!  Quite a pleasant surprise.  Gotta activate it & pay my bill tomorrw.

The job in CT is out.  It’s a contract job, not permanent, so the guy (who apparently works for an agencym not this particular company) I’ve been talking to said it would be best not to, but that he will keep my resume & let me know if anything pops up.  In the meanwhile, I got a call tonight, while I was at work, from a veterinary company of some sort here on the island, so I’m gonna call about that tomorrow, too.  One door closed & another immediately opened.  No worries.

I gotta go…My head is about to explode.  Nite all.  Much love & many blessings!

Hey all.  Thanks for the kind words, much appreciated.  As for work, I don’t know how much, or if at all, the “incident” with Carol made an impression.  Logically thinking, it should have.  Here they were taking her word for gospel that I’m a fuck-up, and she goes against their normal rules.  That right there shows that she is not necessarily a reliable source.  And ya know, I was thinking too….Not that long ago, she melted one of Dr. Bitetto’s drills by sticking it in the autoclave.  Not only did she ruin his drill, she then had Jacobson buy him a new one, only to find out he had like 9 others!  How is that any better than my mistake?  She wasn’t put on probation for that!  My point is, we all make mistakes, why am I the scapegoat?  I’m still frustrated, needless to say, but I did call about a job that I really want.  I’m hoping this works out.  It’s in CT, it’s at a lab, but I would be doing necropsies & pathology all day.  I wouldn’t be doing any animal testing or anything like that.  I’ve always enjoyed necropsies & I find pathology fascinating.  If the job is right, I’ll move up there when my lease here is up in August.  That really lifted my spirits today, since I just get so frustrated & hurt that I’m not allowed to do the work I’m qualified for.  How do they expect me to prove myself if they don’t integrate me in?  Most of my work was more assistant-level: restraining, MAYBE drawing blood once a week, OCCASIONALLY intubating an animal, etc.  They never let me get into their routine.  I was more of a helper to them than a co-worker.  So, as I see it, it’s not really worth it for me to stay.  I haven’t said anything yet, no need to shoot myself in the foot.  But, I’m looking every day.  And if/when I do leave, I plan on saying something to them.  Something to that extent of, how do you expect me to show what I can or cannot do if you don’t let me?  This is a loss for you, because you don’t know what you’re losing.  Ack.  Whatever. 

I spoke to Shannon on-line for a bit today.  She’s having a REALLY shitty day.  I wish I could be there for her.  Hopefully this will clear up.  She doesn’t need this, and what it is is ridiculous, it is stupid & unnecessary.  Poor thing.  She’s really looking forward to moving in to her own place on Saturday.  Again, I wish I could help her, but I’ll be on my way to Virginia.  I may call, just as a congrats on your new place kind of thing.  It was good chatting with her, though.  I wasn’t sure where her mind was regarding me, but she’s not avoiding me which is always a good sign!

Well, I really should go clean.  My dinner with Denise tonight got cancelled b/c she’s got a nasty sinus infection that went into her chest.  So, now I have no excuse not to fix up the joint   So, I’m off for now.  Take it easy, everyone.  I hope you are all doing well.  Take care, much love & many blessings!

Well, well.  Lots to report.  The minor stuff first.

So, if I didn’t tell you all previously, Carol (at work) ripped me a new asshole a little while back for wanting to leave a surgical pack to be autoclaved the next morning.  Ok, hint taken.  Well, one of the many things that pissed me off on Saturday was that Carol left some stuff overnight for me to autoclave on Sunday.  So, I left a post-it on Carol’s time card saying that I thought we weren’t allowed to do that, so what was the protocol exactly.  Well, I came in today and she was livid.  She had been called in by all 3 heads: Jacobson, Zawie & Gini.  They wanted to know why she didn’t follow normal procedures.  She was pissed that I was able to turn things around on her.  She had not looked me in the eye since I met with Gini last week.  I NEVER said anything to Carol.  I did not mention it to her at all.  The fact that she averted her eyes means a lot.  Someone whith nothing to hide would look me in the eye no problem.  Today she looked me in the eye because she was pissed that I got her at her own game.  She told me that she was sure Gini would want to speak to me about it.  When I first saw Gini this morning, I told her about my finger so that she had a heads up if workman’s comp calls.  We chit-chatted throughout the day, but she never called me in to speak to her about this.  Why?  Because I did the right thing.  I think I finally proved that maybe Carol should not be taken as the final word.  I am not reveling in the fact that she got in trouble, just the fact that I was able to prove myself.  I was able to take her down a notch & bring myself up.  I hope they’re starting to see me in a better light now.

So, the date went well last night.  The drive wasn’t too bad.  A couple of hours, but very tolerable.  She is very cute   She enjoyed the beanie baby I bought her, I also lent her my copy of Cunningham’s guide to the solitary practitioner, to introduce her to Wicca, since she seems so interested.  She was kind enough to pay for dinner.  That was really sweet of her.  We had a good time, we talked a lot, compared a lot of work stories   We hugged each other good night (she was nice enough to walk me to the truck).  It was nice.  No pressure, just a nice evening together.  I came home & there was a nice e-mail from her.  So, I e-mailed her back, thanked her for dinner & a nice night.  And we’ll just see what happens.  I would like to see her again.  No pressure.  Whatever is meant to be will be.  I’m not pushing this one way or another.  I need to learn to let go a bit & let nature run its course.  So, I’m gonna try to that here.  This is a big change for me, all the more reason to just let it go on its own time.  So, that was that.  Got in late, got up early for work & now here I am

So, that’s my big news for today   Hope all is well with each of you.  Take care.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Oh my god!  I’m meeting Shannon today!  I am so nervous & excited!    I have a long day of waiting ahead of me as Warren & his guys work on the truck & then I’m heading up to Westchester county to see her!  Wish me luck!   Yes, there will be a full report later today or tomorrow   I gotta go get ready.  Will talk to all of you later. Much love & many blessings!

Work was hellish, to say the least.  I don’t even want to go into detail…Too much, too many things that went wrong.  Sigh….I just keep reminding myself that Beltane & seeing Lauren is less than a week away.  If I can get through this week, it’ll be all good.  I’ve got some good stuff to look forward to, as well.  Witches meeting Tuesday, dinner with Denise Wednesday, Car show with Dick (my mom’s beau) on Friday, Beltane & Virginia on Saturday!  At least I’m giving myself some good distractions.  Not to mention my possible date with Shannon tomorrow…Gotta see if we’re on for that.  I’m EXHAUSTED.  And I have to get up early tomorrow…Gotta be in Massapequa at 8 tomorrow morning for Warren to work on the truck.  They have to drop the gas tank & work on my feul gauge, they’ll probably need to replace the seals too (No, not the animals, all you wise-asses out there ).  Welp, I’m gonna finish chatting with Shannon & then head off to bed.  I hope you are all doing well.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

And oh yeah…My horoscope for today.  How true! 

You may be considering a move, most likely because you’re ready to start on a whole new career path. Before you cut your current ties, take a while to think it over and don’t act until it feels right.

Pissed off….VERY pissed off….Horrible day.  I’m mad & angry & upset.  Work was terrible.  Eating comfort food.  I’ll be back when I’m feeling more human…

Hola!

Welp, I definetly need surgery.  It’s either a cyst or a neuroma, which is a build up on the nerve & is very tricky surgery.  I need to have an MRI (yes, an MRI of my pinky finger!) to determine which it is.  The doctor said the cyst he could remove no problem.  The neuroma being so tricky, though, he’d refer me to a hand specialist (apparently, he’s just an orthopedist) who could do microsurgery.  Gotta wait for the clearance from Workman’s comp for the MRI, and then we take it from there.  So, that’s that.

As far as work goes, nothing was said today (and I took my sweet time getting in.  They knew I’d be late from the Dr.’s appointment, so I just played up ”waiting in a doctor’s office”).  Needless to say, after yesterday, I wasn’t thrilled about coming in, so, yes I did procrastinate a bit getting gas & food & what not, but I did work hard once I got in.  However, I did apply to 2 or 3 jobs online last night, and I called about some government jobs with wildlife (I should be getting the info in the mail in about a week), so I’m prepared.

So, that’s it for now.  I am starving, I gotta figure out what to do for food.  Take it easy, all.  Have a great night.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

I can’t take this any more, I really can’t.  I made one fucking mistake at work yesterday & they are putting me on probation & are making up stories about other past mistakes I made (Or rather that they said I made but I didn’t).  This is bullshit.  Yes, my mistake was expensive, but it didn’t hurt anyone or anything.  They’re treating it as if I killed an animal.  On top of everything else in my life, now this.  I really thought I was going to snap last night.  Ha!  Last night was nothing compared to this.  So, it’s time to start looking for a new job.  A nice, small practice somewhere close.  I’m not quitting until I actually have some place to go.  And boy is it tempting to just give it to them.  To point out their backstabbing behavior, to acknowledge their negativity & that they didn’t give me a fucking chance, and that they don’t know what they’re losing because they didn’t use me to my full potential.  I’d love to say that, but I know I won’t.  I’m too chicken.  Fine.  Whatever.  I just can’t handle any more.  Sigh….

Seeing a hand doctor tomorrow.  My finger never healed right since that bite back in January.  It’s been hurting all week, so I’m glad I was able to get an appointment to soon.  We’ll see what happenes with that.

Didn’t get to talk to Shannon tonight   Hopefully we can catch up tomorrow.

I should just go to bed.  Damn, this sucks.  Please put out some good energy for me, I could really use it.  I’m gonna do something before bed, myself.  I’m going to ask that this negativity is banished from me.  That if I was a horrible person in a past life, I’m sorry, let me try to rectify it in another way, but if this is karma, I don’t know how much more I can take.  Every little thing is piling up & I’m just so overwhelmed & lonely & stressed & depressed…

Anyway, on a more positive note, this was e-mailed to me & I really liked it, so I thought I’d share it with you.

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass
to someone else.
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally
disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you
lived, at the end.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what
you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your SIGNIFICANCE.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or
sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your
example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel
a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in
those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for
what.
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter
of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters

Take care.  Much love & many blessings to you all.

Quick one tonight, as I am VERY tired.

Work….Eck.  Won’t get into that 

Talked to Shannon again today.  Turns out we’re gonna meet Monday after she gets off work & the truck is done (working on my fuel gauge & probably the seals on my gas tank.  She can’t make it to Beltane, so Monday it is ).  So, I’m biting my nails a bit for this one.  I’m excited & very nervous.  I’m excited because we have a good time together.  I’m nervous for a few reasons.  #1 – that I will disappoint her in my looks, the condition of the truck, or what have you.  #2 – We are SO much alike, I’m afraid we’ll run out of conversation.  Our similarities are as follows: She’s a vet tech, I’m a licensed vet tech, she likes cars, I like cars, I like warm summer weather, so does she, my birthday is Sept. 30, hers is Sept. 29.  WEIRD!   She is interested in Wicca, and I’m sure we’ll talk about that quite a bit, but I’ve always said I never wanted to date someone in my field due to my insecurities & competitive nature, I’d feel the need to prove myself to them & ultimately end ruining a relationship.  I also like variety.  Call me crazy or stupid or both, but I’m afraid we’re TOO much alike.  It’s important to have differences & to compliement each other.  If we are too much alike, not only are our strengths magnified, so are our weaknesses.  Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, but this is what I’ve been thinking.  I really like her, she’s a great girl, and I guess because I like her & I would like this to go somewhere that’s why I’m thinking this way, I don’t know.  My insecurities are completely consuming me here.  My nervousness & insecurities about being with a woman are about to have a head on collision with this one.  Talk about getting out of my comfort zone.  I’m just not sexual or anything, really, along a romantic line, the abuse has taken that away.  Instead I have fear, doubt, insecurity, and self-consciousness in its place.  2 1/2 years of solitude, which felt more like 100 Years of Solitude (Garcia Marquez reference there! ), has affected me.  As tired as I am, I’m ancy.  My leg is going, I’m looking around, scratching my arm for no reason – you know what I mean.  I knew I’d have to go out on a limb eventually.  Meeting Mike didn’t create this kind of a fluster.  Is it because it’s right?  Is it simply because I now have to live up to something (Calling myself Bi & being Bi are 2 very different things.  Yes, I am absolutely attracted to women, but anything intimate scares me a little, whether it’s with a man OR a woman)?  I guess it’s just all the sexual bullshit in my life.  Between my ex raping me & then masturbating in the shower immediately after, Vinny telling me I was horrible in bed & Jimmy using me, but not wanting ME the person, besides all the rape/molestation incidences, I just don’t have any confidence.  I’m so afraid to give myself to anyone or disappoint them.  Sigh…This is a really big deal to me & I know I’m going to fuck this up.  Whether it’s my bad skin, my red-neck pick up truck or my insecurities, one of those is going to ruin this.  Who on earth wants to hold a 24 year old & be as patient as I’d like?  Who the hell wants to wait for me to become a more sexual, physically intimate person?  I’m very physically affectionate, but ask me to roll up my pant leg so you can see a tattoo, and I feel like I’ve exposed all of myself.  Do I make any sense?  All I’ve wanted is for this drought to end, to be with the right person, and now, that is very possibly laying right before me, and all I want to do is go & hide.  

On the subject of Shannon, but in a different aspect, doesn’t look like she’s taking the Sheba pup.  Thank goodness!  I know & like the breed, but you don’t find many plush Sheba Inus around   So, tomorrow, I’m going to my friend Drew’s store & I’m going to buy her a little plush wolf instead.

And I said this would be a quickie, too.  LOL.  Thanks for listening to me ramble.  I just wish I could get rid of this fear & self-consciousness/insecurity.  Oh well, I’ll tackle that later.  For now, it’s bedtime.  Nite all!  Much love & many blessings!