April 21, 2004

• Quick one tonight, as I am VERY tired.

  
  

  Work....Eck.  Won't get into that 

  
  

  Talked to Shannon again today.  Turns out we're gonna meet Monday after she gets off work & the truck is done (working on my fuel gauge & probably the seals on my gas tank.  She can't make it to Beltane, so Monday it is ).  So, I'm biting my nails a bit for this one.  I'm excited & very nervous.  I'm excited because we have a good time together.  I'm nervous for a few reasons.  #1 - that I will disappoint her in my looks, the condition of the truck, or what have you.  #2 - We are SO much alike, I'm afraid we'll run out of conversation.  Our similarities are as follows: She's a vet tech, I'm a licensed vet tech, she likes cars, I like cars, I like warm summer weather, so does she, my birthday is Sept. 30, hers is Sept. 29.  WEIRD!   She is interested in Wicca, and I'm sure we'll talk about that quite a bit, but I've always said I never wanted to date someone in my field due to my insecurities & competitive nature, I'd feel the need to prove myself to them & ultimately end ruining a relationship.  I also like variety.  Call me crazy or stupid or both, but I'm afraid we're TOO much alike.  It's important to have differences & to compliement each other.  If we are too much alike, not only are our strengths magnified, so are our weaknesses.  Maybe I'm jumping the gun here, but this is what I've been thinking.  I really like her, she's a great girl, and I guess because I like her & I would like this to go somewhere that's why I'm thinking this way, I don't know.  My insecurities are completely consuming me here.  My nervousness & insecurities about being with a woman are about to have a head on collision with this one.  Talk about getting out of my comfort zone.  I'm just not sexual or anything, really, along a romantic line, the abuse has taken that away.  Instead I have fear, doubt, insecurity, and self-consciousness in its place.  2 1/2 years of solitude, which felt more like 100 Years of Solitude (Garcia Marquez reference there! ), has affected me.  As tired as I am, I'm ancy.  My leg is going, I'm looking around, scratching my arm for no reason - you know what I mean.  I knew I'd have to go out on a limb eventually.  Meeting Mike didn't create this kind of a fluster.  Is it because it's right?  Is it simply because I now have to live up to something (Calling myself Bi & being Bi are 2 very different things.  Yes, I am absolutely attracted to women, but anything intimate scares me a little, whether it's with a man OR a woman)?  I guess it's just all the sexual bullshit in my life.  Between my ex raping me & then masturbating in the shower immediately after, Vinny telling me I was horrible in bed & Jimmy using me, but not wanting ME the person, besides all the rape/molestation incidences, I just don't have any confidence.  I'm so afraid to give myself to anyone or disappoint them.  Sigh...This is a really big deal to me & I know I'm going to fuck this up.  Whether it's my bad skin, my red-neck pick up truck or my insecurities, one of those is going to ruin this.  Who on earth wants to hold a 24 year old & be as patient as I'd like?  Who the hell wants to wait for me to become a more sexual, physically intimate person?  I'm very physically affectionate, but ask me to roll up my pant leg so you can see a tattoo, and I feel like I've exposed all of myself.  Do I make any sense?  All I've wanted is for this drought to end, to be with the right person, and now, that is very possibly laying right before me, and all I want to do is go & hide.  

  
  

  On the subject of Shannon, but in a different aspect, doesn't look like she's taking the Sheba pup.  Thank goodness!  I know & like the breed, but you don't find many plush Sheba Inus around   So, tomorrow, I'm going to my friend Drew's store & I'm going to buy her a little plush wolf instead.

  
  

  And I said this would be a quickie, too.  LOL.  Thanks for listening to me ramble.  I just wish I could get rid of this fear & self-consciousness/insecurity.  Oh well, I'll tackle that later.  For now, it's bedtime.  Nite all!  Much love & many blessings! 

  • 10:27 pm
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