Good afternoon, world.  I should be at work, but I took the day off.  It’s that time o’ the month & that really flares up the IBD, so I’ve been in & out of the bathroom all day.  I figured I wouldn’t be very productive at work, so I’m just bumming around the house

The apartment looks a million times better, and I heard Bill (the super) in another apartment in this building before 9 am, but I never heard him come in here.  I pretty much locked myself in the bedroom (when I’m not in the bathroom) for the day, but whatever.  The apartment is decent (the bedroom looks like a tornado hit it, but it’s all just clothes on the floor).  That’s all that matters.

Lauren has been helping me with the apartment search for VA.  That girl rocks my world.  We’ll see what happens with that.  It’s exciting, I just hope I can make this one work, unlike Florida.  I know that whatever is meant to be will be, but I do have my control issues & I do my damndest to get my way   LOL

Bobby called.  I missed the call, so I’ll have to call him back.  That’s the guy from Beltane.  I’m getting kind of excited about this, although I get this way when Shannon calls too.  I’m in such an odd place.  I’m not WITH anyone, but if I see Bobby….Does that mean I’m cheating on Shannon?  We only met once….We talk once in a while.  I’ve never been in a “predicament” like this before.  I’ve either been exclusive (jumped right into a relationship) or completely single.  I’m not used to this “seeing people” thing.  Whatever.  It’s kinda funny….If either Shannon or Bobby works out, it’s gonna be a biggie to the fam.  I’ll either be seeing a girl or a black guy.  LOL…As you can see, I am an equal opportunity employer   LOL…It is true, though.  I’ve always said I’m colorblind, when it comes to this.  We’re talking about PEOPLE, not things.  Color, religion and gender do not make someone more or less of a person.  I just wish more people got that.

Ok, enough of my preaching   I’m gonna go back to my cave.  I’m probably gonna shower in a bit, much to everyone’s relief.  I’m sure you can smell me from there!   I do have to run to the bank at some point, so why not do it soon.  I’ll finish watching Dogma on Comedy Central & then head out, I guess.  So, I’ll stop rambling now   I hope you all have a wonderful day.  Take care.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

I would like to thank all of you for you kind & supportive words.  It means a lot.  I’m barely getting by, but it’ll work out.  It always does.  Yes, I have wanted to leave NY for a long time.  I almost moved to Florida last year with a couple.  They wanted to move without securing a job or apartment first.  I told them that was a bad idea.  Haven’t spoken to them since.  I’ve thought a lot about moving to VA to be near Lauren, and after my trip a couple of weeks ago, my mom brought up the idea.  I am looking at jobs and apartments (information that I would not have if it weren’t for Laur), but I need to know it’s ok with my grandparents.  Both my grandmother & grandfather have said repeatedly that they want me close by.  So, I need an ok from them to move.  If there is any doubt or hesitation, I will not move.  I owe it to them.  They have done too much for me for me to be that disrespectful.  That will all come in time.  I will keep y’all () posted as things progress.  Again, thank you all so very much.

I will come back later & check everyone’s site.  I am running VERY behind on my cleaning plans for the day, so I’d best get started.  The super is coming in tomorrow to check the pipes & smoke detector, and I can’t have him come in to this!

I’m outta here for now.  Take care, everyone.  I’ll talk to you later.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Addendum:

Some REALLY good cleaning supplies:

1) Dawn Power Disolver.  I bought this while in my last apartment w/ no dishwasher.  Now that I have one, I use this to clean EVERYTHING.  It’s grear for the bathroom, it even cleaned my mother’s vinyl floor (although she thinks it may have taken the finish off, but it looks good to me!).  I recommend it for all use, but be careful, if you need to use a lot of it, make sure the room is well ventilated.  It will make your muscous membranes (eyes, sinuses, etc.) burn.

2) Swiffer Wet Jet.  Damn, that is one good floor cleaner.  I’ll take it over a mop any day.  It cleans amazingly well, picks up some hairs too, and dries very quickly.  Very nice.

3) Oxyclean…I use that stuff ALL the time.  Great in laundry.  I mixed up a bottle of it once, with water.  It got a grape juice stain out of my carpet (in the last apartment).  Good stuff!

4) Oops!  Great cleaner for carpets & what not…Will clean out paint, marker, oil, gum & so much more.  Great for really thick and/or set in stains.  The smell leaves a bit to be desired, but it’s not horrible & it’s worth it for the cleaning power.

5) Method Disinfecting wipes.  They have a bunch of scents (I like the lavender personally), they’re biodegradable & they clean exceptionally well.  Great for bathrooms, kitchen counters, even kitchen chairs.  They can even be used on smooth surface furniture like wood.

That is as domestic as I get.  Enjoy the recommendations & happy cleaning!   

Sigh…another long, busy, lonely day.  Feeling overwhelmed & alone.  I have a lot to go take care of.  Cleaning, getting my MRI results & scheduling my hand surgery, stuff at work, etc.  I am gladly taking donations for the Lauren fund, which at this moment is definetly a non-profit organization.  I’m trying to figure out paying for the rims, plus finding money for the tires, Akh’s 2nd knee surgery is in 2 weeks, and I just got bombarded will bills.  Please explain how one single person living on her own in the most expensive state in the country, and getting paid very little, is supposed to handle all this?!  I really don’t know how much more I can take, I feel like I’m going to snap any second….  Please put out some good energy for me, I’m extremely stressed & strapped…

Gotta go do a ton of work.  Much love & many blessings to you all. 

Hi, everyone.  I am VERY tired tonight, I will do what I can. 

I had some strange dreams last night.  I had a dream about Darin, Vinny’s best friend.  Vinny was there, but he was in the background.  Darin, in my dream, said he had AIDS, and there was just weird stuff going on all around us, and he wanted me there (Darin only tolerated me when Vin & I were dating, I can’t imagine he’d actually WANT my company now  LOL).  And it really upset me that he was sick (although he didn’t look or act it).  Not that I’d want him to be sick, but in my dream I took it harder than I think I would in real life.  Although I thought that when Mug first died, but within a matter of hours, I was crying over that loss, and that is another subject I’ll come back to in a minute.

Another dream I had last night had both of my “old” Dawn’s in it.  There was Dawn from school, and the Dawn who was 1/2 of the couple I was supposed to move to Florida with (NOT Dawn & Justin).  It was weird that I dreamt about both of them, and I don’t think there was any animosity in my dream with either of them.  I no longer speak to either.  The one from school was immature, selfish & very inconsiderate.  The Florida one was also selfish & inconsiderate, but she was also very manipulative.  She knew how to get people to do what she wanted.  So, obviously, it’s a good thing that they both (and their negativity) are out of my life.  It’s just so odd that I had all these dreams involving people who have been out of my life for at least a year.

Ok, so going back to Mug for a second (His real name is Keith Doug, if you ever read any of my old posts going way back).  His anniversary is coming up & I can feel it.  I feel it physically.  I know the date is coming & it’s as if I can feel it in my muscle fibres.  He was with me on Beltane.  He was actually very clingy on Beltane.  I could feel his spirit, he was literally not leaving my side.  I miss him like hell, I really do.  His was one of those deaths that you have no idea how greatly the person impacted your life until it’s too late.  In a way, I wish that it was just the accident coming up, not the anniversary.  I want to be able to go the funeral home again.  I want to see those pictures of him again.  I want to be there…  I don’t want it to be a year already & I still don’t know what happened to his body, or who has those pictures, or who took his dog, Neo.  It hurts.  Mug died in a motorcycle accident.  He was riding with Darin, and somehow Darin lost him (Darin tends to ride very fast).  Darin actually turned around to find Mug, when he came upon the accident.  Mug was speeding, trying to catch up to Darin, and a 70 year old man (mind you this is at night, and the man had just gotten off a plane, so he was probably exceptionally tired), in a small SUV was making a left hand turn & Mug smacked into him.  Mug hit the car so hard that the passengers in the back had to be cut out of the car.  Mug was found a block from his bike.  Darin said he just looked “broken.”  He was bleeding out of every orifice, one leg got cut off below the knee, and his calf was behind his head.  He died in Darin’s arms.  It took about 2 weeks for the wake because Mug had no family.  The family he did have lived in California & did not speak to him.  There was talk after the wake about a viking funeral or cremation, I never found out what happened.  Everybody was there, but Vinny, Darin, Matt, Falcon…..All the guys we (and he rode) with hung out outside for a while, came in, looked at the photo-collage, and then went back outside.  They didn’t pay any kind of respect(s) to him.  It bothered me.  Still does.  They were his family, he always said that too.  They treated him like shit when he was alive & they treated him like shit in his death.  The worst part was, (a) he was the nicest one of the group & (b) he was starting to get his like in order.  Unlike the others, he was going back to school for business & management classes, and he had just bought his own landscaping company.  None of the other guys (to this day) have come close to that.  He was starting to get his life in the right direction.  He told me he needed to go, and I understand that, I just wish it would have been different, under “better” circumstances….       God, I miss him.  I’m thinking about going to the site of the accident on the anniversary.  If I can, I will.  He’s the one I got that waxwing (bird) tattoo for.  Waxwings represent gentleness in spirit & higher knowledge.  And I put ON the sword, because he always thought he was below me, and I wanted to show & honor him by putting ABOVE me.  Sigh….Sorry for such a long ramble, but I’ve thought about him just about every day for the past year.  The anniversary is Monday, June 28 (It may seem rather far off, it feels like tomorrow to me).  Please light a candle in his honor.  Thanks.

I can’t stop my brain, it’s now racing through all this shit over & over, trying to recall his face, his laughter…  I need to get to bed, though.  Take care all.  Much love & many blessings!

Hi, everyone.  Sorry I haven’t been writing….Been VERY busy.  I’ll try to catch up tomorrow.  Got a TON of stuff going on right now…Just had the MRI done on my hand, just won a set of beautiful rims for the truck on e-bay (normally would not have done this yet, but one tire is shot, so I’m replacing all the tires any way & the truck needed new rims, so I’m doing it all at once).  As seen here (if it doesn’t come up right away, click on the “x” in the upper left hand corner & it’ll come up):

I might be hanging out with the guy from Beltane who gave me the bracelet.  Don’t know yet if/when/where/under what pretence, etc.  A girl from PA has been writing to me via curve.  Seems ok, not my type, but ok.  Got another winky face on curve from a 30 year old divorcee (Yay, go us divorcee’s! ) who lives in Queens.  No pic or profile info, though.  Not sure about that.  Talked to Shannon a couple of days ago.  She doesn’t have a phone or cable modem in her apartment.  Ya know, NYers have this reputation for being very fast paced, but these people are moving slow by ANYONE’S standards.  So, that sucks, I have almost no connection with her.  I’m at a place where I really need to start improving myself.  Next wednesday, on the full moon, I am going to cast a spell for me to let go.  Having never had control in my life as a child, I tend to obssess about things, and I get myself very worked up & stressed.  I know that what ever is meant to be will be, and that these are things that are out of my control.  I need to relax & let go, it’ll help my mind (and my stomach).  I want to be a better person & this is a big step for me.  If I could, I’d like to ask you all to put out some good energy for me next wednesday, for positivity, calmness & an ability to let go to come to me.  I need to think more clearly, take control of what I can & let go of what I can’t.  I just need to relax & get some good news in my life (especially in the work facet of my life).

I am exhausted & hungry & I have so much stuff to do in the am.  So, I think I’ll close up shop for now.  I haven’t forgotten about you all, I promise.  I’m just glad I made you laugh with our stupidity from Monday night.  Take care, everybody.  Much love & many blessings to you all.  

PS, the new pic is a logo, I just joined the circle of spiritual women.  Couldn’t hook up the link right, but I definetly wanted to post the pic, so I seem like a legit member  

Oh my god!  What a night!  Yes, there was much pants wetting.  Pam, Deborah & I had a blast.  There was even mention of my joining them on a trip to vegas (they mentioned it, not me).  That was quite an honor.  We had a hell of a good time.  Here is one thing that we did tonight that I’m going to share with all of you.  Enjoy, have a good laugh at it, and PLEASE share your results!  I want to know    I am Dorkey Chickenbuns.  Have fun…

The following in an excerpt from a children’s book, “Captain Underpants And
the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants” by Dave Pilkey. The evil
Professor forces everyone to assume new names……

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = poopsie   b = lumpy    c = buttercup     d = gadget   e = crusty     f = greasy
g = fluffy        h = cheeseball   I = chim-chim     j = stinky    k = flunky    l = boobie
m = pinky      n = zippy   o = goober    p = doofus  q = slimy    r = loopy
s = snotty    t = tootie    u = dorkey    v = squeezit   w = oprah   x = skipper
y = dinky    z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your
new last name:

a = apple   b = toilet    c = giggle   d = burger    e = girdle   f = barf    g = lizard               h = waffle  I = cootie   j = monkey    k = potty   l = liver  m = banana   n = rhino
o = bubble   p = hamster  q = toad   r = gizzard    s = pizza    t = gerbil   u = chicken        v = pickle    w = chuckle    x = tofu   y = gorilla    z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your
new last name:

a = head   b = mouth   c = face   d = nose  e = tush   f = breath  g = pants   h = shorts
I = lips   j = honker   k = butt   l = brain   m = tushie   n = chunks  o = hiney   p = biscuits
q = toes   r = buns    s = fanny   t = sniffer   u = sprinkles   v = kisser   w = squirt             x = humperdinck   y = brains z = juice


Thus, for example, George W. Bush’s new name is Goober Chickenshorts.

Good morning, world.  I’ve been up for a little while, and I thought I should post before I get busy.  Got some errands to do.  Gotta pay rent for the apartment & the storage for the Stratus.  Financially, that won’t be feesable until Thursday.  I’m going to go to the storage place, tell them that I’ll gladly pay late fees if I can pay Thursday.  See what happens with that.  Other than that, I have MAJOR cleaning to do.  I’d love it if it wasn’t this bad, or if I had some help, but alas, I must do it all.  I wish I could split myself into at least 2 people, so I can get more done.  It would be so much nicer and easier

Watched quite a bit of Harry Potter with my mom & Dick last night after “Mother Stuffing Day” (That’s my grandfather’s name for the day, and we all follow the patriarch’s lead ).  Actually very cute.  It was funny b/c my mom kept saying things like “Wouldn’t you love to go to school and learn how to do spells and stuff?”  And I’m thinking to myself, “Well, I didn’t go through a formal schooling, but I do that any way! )  And seeing that movie made me long for Scotland again.  I need to live there.  Even if only for a year, I need to live there, I belong there.  It is so amazing…

Got a big dinner date tonight with Pam, Debra, Aimee & a few other people.  Aimee is Jennifer O’Neal’s daughter.  Yes, she is just as beautiful as her mom.  Debra has some strong ties with many celebrities.  As does Pam.  No celebrities will be harmed in the making of this dinner date   It’s just a fun, crazy girls’ night out.  Gay, straight & bi will all be represented at this meal.  There will be pants wetting (from laughing so hard).  It should be a nice break for me.

I’ll leave you with a funny joke that Herbwytche e-mailed to me.  Enjoy!

Well, I think I’ve procrastinated all that I can.  I’ll get going now.  Take care all.  Have a great day.  Much love & many blessings to you all.

Quick one tonight…I’m falling asleep.  Work was CRAZY today….I left with another migraine.  I’m getting too many stress migraines.  And I’m eating like shit because of my stress, and my face….Oh, we won’t even go into that.  I really hope something else comes along.  I made the analogy today that I feel like I’m going through some kind of sorotity-type hazing.  That’s bullshit.  This is a job, I don’t need to deal with this, and then get “accepted.”  My co-workers are a VERY tough crowd & I really don’t know how much longer I want/can put up with this.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve considered just going in when no one is there & burning some sage….I’ll never do it, but I’d like to.  I’m considering moving down to VA to be near Lauren, but ONLY if I get the ok from the grandparents.  I hate it up here, but I owe it to them to do as they wish.  It’s the least I can do after all they’ve done for me.

As for yesteday’s protected post….I get through my days pretty well, but coming home & being here alone at night just eats away at me.    Please read below (if you haven’t already) to see what I’m talking about.  It really is more of that “me against the world” feeling.  Oh well, whatever.  Can’t do a damn thing about it.

Ok, I’m off to bed.  Got a LOT to do & get ready in the am for Mudder’s Day (That’s the NY accent coming out ).  Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms & moms-to-be.  That is the hardest job in the world, no doubt.  You deserve a lot of credit & recognition.  Hell, you deserve more than one single day.  Take care, everyone.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

LOL…Damn, xanga is taking longer & longer for me to do…catching up with everybody, writing replies, creating my own posts.  Damn it, why do I have to work?  Why can’t I just sit in front of my computer & xanga all day?  LOL

Not much going on here.  Never heard back from the guy about the ASPCA job.  Whatever.  Can’t worry about things that are not within my control.  MRI got rescheduled to Wednesday…Long story short….have to do it with the orthopedist who saw me in the first place.  It’s all about getting Workman’s Comp to pay for it.  I can wait 2 more days, that’s fine.  It’s still getting done, that’s all I care about.

Shannon keeps trying to call me & I miss her calls.  She’s not leaving voice mails, and wherever she’s calling from comes up as Unknown # or ID withheld.  Hopefully she’ll try one more time tonight.  I would like to speak to her.  She’s not going to Florida pride now.  I feel badly for her.  She was going to spend some time back home & go to one of the biggest pride fests in the country.  Now, home will have to wait for another month or 2.  That sucks for her.  In a way, though, I’m kinda glad.  In a VERY greedy way, it’s good for me.  I can see her again sooner.  Perhaps my hand surgery will coincide with that time, and we’ll both have some off & maybe we can spend some REAL time together rather than rushing due to the long trip.  Only time will tell with that.  Got an e-mail from another girl on curve.  She sounds fascinating.  Based on what she wrote, I could just sit & listen to her stories for hours (she’s an anthropologist & archeologist.  I LOVE that stuff!).  She would be a cool friend to have.  Same with Shannon, of course.  Even if nothing happens with her, I’ve still gained a good friend.  Can’t beat that!

You know, I’ve been thinking a lot.  I’ve started coming out more at work.  Not necessarily a great idea since a few of my co-workers are VERY close-mided.  But you know, being bi-sexual is not about being trendy.  It truly looks beyond all barriers (race, religion, gender, etc.).  It is so open & accepting.  I am proud that I have come to accept this part of me & I’m proud that I am.  I am proud of the fact that I so strongly believe in equality that it even plays into my love life.  I really feel like so much a better person for it.  For not letting racism or sexism or any kind of prejudice get in my way.  I really do love all kinds of people, and to me, it is an honor to be that way.

Akh is sitting on this window perch thing I bought her a while ago.  Not an hour ago, I put her on & she jumped off because she was scared.  Now she’s all sprawled out, her little silhouette against the darkening summer sky.  It’s a great view from here   With that image, I bid you all a good night.  I hope you are all well.  Take care.  Much love & many blessings to each of you!

Hello, Xanga world.  I have returned.  So…Today’s entry in the life of Lauren…

Got the speakers put in my truck.  Sweet!   Looks & sounds great.  Ate up most of my paycheck for the week, but Al was selling his speakers so I couldn’t have him wait.  Normally, as much as I’d love to, I would have waited.  But ok, whatever.

Gini pulled me aside today.  It was my 2 week review since the “incident”.  It was fine.  All she said was that starting next week, I go back to surgery.  Uh, ok?  Thanks, I think.  I think I caught her in a lie, too.  Last time, she had said that Palermo wasn’t comfortable with me in surgery (well, duh, she & I have never been in surgery together).  I asked Gini then, to ask Palermo if it was anything in particular & to let me know so I could better accomodate.  So, I brought it up today, and she said that uncomfortable wasn’t the right word, but rather that it was because we don’t work together in surgery, so she wasn’t used to it/me.  (Again, duh!)   She did admit that she hadn’t spoken to Palermo since.  I don’t think she spoke to her period.  Gini said last time that people were saying I wasn’t restraining well.  Amazing how no one has said anything since & I handled several fractious animals just in the last 2 days and no one got hurt, hell, Jakie even said “Good job” to me yesterday for restraining a cat that was normally impossible to handle.  Oh yeah, I’m a bad employee.  Oh, ok, whatever.  Keepin’ my trap shut for now.  I’m supposed to hear about the ASPCA job tomorrow.  I called the agency guy about it today, he got my resume no problem, sent it over to the ASPCA & said he was going to call them tomorrow & that he would get back to me tomorrow, too.  So, we’ll see.  I know whatever is meant to happen will happen.  I hate to continually switch jobs, but I also do not tolerate being lied to.  So, we’ll see.  I’ll keep y’all posted on that.

Otherwise, nothing else is new.  I’m pretty tired.  Gonna go watch my tape of Survivor & go to bed.  Take it easy all, hope everything is well with each of you.  Much love & many blessings!