Thanks to all of you for your support yesterday.  It was tough going there, we made the left turn that the old man made that caused the accident.  Someone had put a bouquet of roses there, too, but it wasn’t signed so we don’t know who.  Bobby & I planted some tree seeds.  Hopefully they will grow.  We spent some time there & then went to the Shack for dinner.  The Shack is this out door place that is a big hang out for bikers & car people.  We used to ride there all the time.  The food is cholestrol ridden, basically a heart attack on a plate, but it is damn good.  It was a fitting tribute dinner to Mug since we hung out there often.

Mug has not come to me since Beltane.  I think both he & I needed closure.  He had talked about finding someone for me, someone who he would really check out & make sure was good for me & that he approved of, and there was Bobby on that day.  I would like to keep communicating with him, but if he has moved on, that’s fine.  He will always be in my heart, and on my back

One thing off subject for a moment.  I’m sorry to dwell on this & frankly, I don’t think xanga ia the right forum for this, but I really don’t feel I have any other outlets or ways of letting myself be heard.  This whole thing with Lauren is simply killing me.  It was blown way out of proportion.  We’re talking about maybe $130 or so, which to this day I will gladly pay, but she won’t take it, and yet somehow, it is still all my fault.  She wrote on her xanga that I was more concerned with being right than our 16 year friendship.  If that was the case, then why did I say in an e-mail that communication is a 2-way street & that I was sorry for my 50% of the miscommunication?  And I was not the one who said they were closing the door & throwing away the key.  Sigh….This sucks, it really does.  I understand that people grow apart & that perhaps we are just not meant to be friends any more, but to give up someone after so long is just so damn hard.  I just wish we could TALK, but she refuses.  I’m pretty much blocked from communicationg with her at all, and that was her own doing.  I just don’t get it.  If it was such an issue, why didn’t she just tell me to my face instead of waiting till I got home & only dealing with this via e-mail?  E-mail is NOT the way to settle an issue.  I guess there isn’t anything I can do.  It just hurts, ya know?

Well, enough of that.  I can’t dwell on the negative when I have so many positive changes going on in my life.  I really feel like my life is FINALLY taking off & heading in the direction I want it to go.  Life is such a peculiar balance, isn’t it?  As one thing leaves another enters.  The balance, the contiuum of it all, it fascinates me.  Goddess & God have been good to me, I have never wanted or needed for anything, and things have balanced out in such incredible ways, so I trust them, I’m just leaving all this in their hands.  Anyway, have a great night, all.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Keith Doug’s anniversary is here & I can feel it.  I feel it physically.  The date is today & I feel every part of it in my muscle fibres.  He’s come to me several times since his death.  He was with me for quite a while immediately following his wake, he visited me on Samhein, he’s come on a few random occasions as well.  He was even with me on Beltane.  He was actually very clingy on Beltane.  I could feel his spirit, he was literally not leaving my side.  I miss him like hell, I really do.  His was one of those deaths that you have no idea how greatly the person impacted your life until it’s too late.  In a way, I wish that it was just the accident coming up, not the anniversary.  I want to be able to go the funeral home again.  I want to see those pictures of him again.  I want to be there…  I don’t want it to be a year already & I still don’t know what happened to his body, or who has those pictures, or who took his dog, Neo.  It hurts. 

*You’ll see me refer to him as Keith Doug, Doug, Meith Mug or Mug.  Keith Doug is his name, although we sometimes called him Doug for short.  Meith Mug & Mug are nicknames.  They refer to him when he’s drunk (the various stages of Keith Doug in inebriation).  It’s a little lengthy to go into here, but they are terms of endearment.*

“Mug” died in a motorcycle accident.  He was riding with Darin, and somehow Darin lost him (Darin tends to ride very fast).  Darin had actually turned around to find Mug, when he came upon the accident.  Mug was speeding, trying to catch up to Darin, and a 70 year old man (mind you this is at night on a not-so-well-lit street, so it was dark, and the man had just gotten off a plane, so he was probably exceptionally tired), in a small SUV was making a left hand turn & Mug smacked into him.  The impact was so great that the passengers in the back had to be cut out of the car.  He was found a block from his bike.  Darin said he just looked “broken.”  He was bleeding out of every orifice, one leg got cut off below the knee, and the calf was behind his head.  He died in Darin’s arms.  It took about 2 weeks for the wake because Keith Doug had no family.  The family he did have lived in California & did not speak to him (or at least they weren’t on the best terms.  I know why, but it is not my place to discuss his family matters).  There was talk after the wake about a viking funeral or cremation, I never found out what happened.  Everybody was there, but Vinny, Darin, Matt, Falcon…..All the guys we (and he) rode with hung out outside for a while, came in, looked at the photo-collage, and then went back outside.  They didn’t pay any kind of respect(s) to him.  It bothered me.  Still does.  They were his family, he always said that too.  They treated him like shit when he was alive & they treated him like shit in his death. 

The worst part of all this was, (a) he was the nicest one of the group & (b) he was starting to get his like in order.  Unlike the others, he was going back to school for business & management classes, and he had just bought his own landscaping company.  None of the other guys (to this day) have come close to that.  He was starting to get his life in the right direction.  He told me he needed to go, and I understand that, I just wish it would have been different, under “better” circumstances…. 

God, I miss him.  Bobby & I are going to the site of the accident.  I want to spend some good time there, rather than just in passing. 

He’s the one I got that waxwing (bird) tattoo for.  Waxwings represent gentleness in spirit & higher knowledge.  And I put it ON the sword, because he always thought he was below me, and I wanted to show & honor him by putting ABOVE me.  Sigh….Sorry for such a long ramble, but I’ve thought about him just about every day for the past year.  Please, read my memorial below, and light a candle in his honor.  Thanks.

IN MEMORIAM

Keith Douglas Schaefer

“Meith Mug”

January 11, 1972 – June 28, 2003

 

 

How do we say goodbye?

How do we say goodbye to a bright, beautiful, but fleeting sunset?  The bold colors blinding us one minute, vanish the next.  How do we say goodbye to something we cannot grasp?

How do we say goodbye to a world that moves so quickly, our voices blend in with the blur of life and are forgotten?  Can you say goodbye to the wind?

How do we say goodbye when we can hardly say hello?  We build giant, impenetrable walls to protect ourselves, yet they only end up hurting us more.

How do we say goodbye when memories are nothing more than pictures with slight warps, holes and deformities in them?  They slowly fade further and further, making us squint, trying to see that beautiful image that is lost somewhere in time.

How do we say goodbye to that which we cannot see?  As humans, we foolishly only believe in the obtainable, what we can see, hear or touch.  Yet, there is so much more that goes on around us, and we lose something great if we do not take the time to see what is invisible.

How do we say goodbye to that which we do not understand?  What we see around us is so much greater than our puny minds could ever conceive, and for us to hold it for that moment to whisper “Goodbye….” in an ear that is so much bigger than even a child’s imagination.

How do we say goodbye to a piece of ourselves?  If we are with ourselves all the time, carry each part of us infinitely, how is possible that we lose ourselves so quickly?  How can we let go of that which bears an effect on our soul?

How do we say goodbye and let go of souls that are intertwined with us and still carry on as if we never knew them?  How does life continue without these souls?  It is never the same.  Their beauty, love, life, light is gone.  Their energy has swirled, and danced, and moved, and morphed.  Their impact on life has changed.

How do we say goodbye to emotions?

How do we just say goodbye?

How do I, Lauren, say goodbye to you, Mug, and just continue to walk on?

 

http://www.griefnet.org/memorials/2004b/may13-501262190.html  (created by me)

http://www.griefnet.org/memorials/2004b/may14-5842415238.html (created by me)

http://www.griefnet.org/memorials/2004b/may18-9213917281.html (created by me)

griefnet.org/memorials/2003c/jul7-590197595.html (created by another friend)

griefnet.org/memorials/2003c/jul15-293264357.html  (created by another friend)

 

Hello world!  I have returned!  I got my computer back from being fixed…There was a virus, so they cleaned it out, up-dated my norton anti-virus & installed spy sweeper, and she is running the way she is supposed to.  I am VERY happy.  I will probably catch up with each of you tomorrow or Sunday.

Still haven’t heard from Lauren.  It kills me, it really does.  After 16 years, she is going to put money ahead of me…  I offered my truck & my physical labor to help her, Jeff & colin move into their new townhouse.  I was not expecting (nor would I have accepted) money in return.  I told her than if she & Jeff ever needed to borrow a car since they only have one, they could borrow my Stratus since I have the truck.  Again, There was no motive like “At least I’ll get a payback for this.”  It pisses me off & it hurts & it frustrates & confuses me.  Since she’s already shown that money means more than people, do I even want a friendship like that back?  She was always complaining that she didn’t have any REAL friends down there & now a month before I move 1.8 miles away from her, she slams the door in my face.  She can’t complain if it’s her own doing.  True friendship knows no paybacks or conditions…

Things with Bobby have been frighteningly wonderful.  I’m scared out of my mind because I’ve never been treated this way, but it so wonderful to be around him.  We laugh CONSTANTLY…And I mean a good, hearty, heart-felt, pee-in-your-pants type of laughter.  I have told him things I haven’t told anyone else.  I think the fact that he’s pagan/Buddhist REALLY helps….He is very open minded & non-judgemental, which is so important to me.  He made a ring for me & gave it to me last night, he said it was his promise to give me everything I could ever want or need, that it was his commitment to my happiness & to me.  I’m just waiting….I’m so cynical…I don’t mean to be, but this just seems WAY too good to be true, so I’m waiting    I’m sure it’ll be fine, but after years of abuse, you tend to assume the worst.  For now, I am enjoying it & him and what ever is meant to be will be.

He’ll actually be here in a few minutes, we’ve got some stuff we’re going to do….I’m gong to help him with his resume & what not.  So, I’m outta here for now, but now that the computer is back to normal I shall return!   Have a great night, all!  Much love & many blessings to you all!

16 years down the drain in time faster than the gap between the “lub” and “dub” of a heartbeat.  I thought Lauren wasn’t so superficial, but apparently our friendship was based solely on money.  The Lauren I grew up with ABHORED that kind of mentality, and now she lives it.  Ironic how much people change throughout life, isn’t it?  And she’s fucking me over one last way, too.  I’m not getting into the details now, but she had me by the shorthairs & she just twisted with all her might.  There was a time we had an arguement in high school & I got rid of EVERYTHING I had from her.  3 months later, we patched things up.  She has unsubscribed to me here & blocked any e-mails from me.  I can’t help but think back to my reaction when things were rectified & I felt like an ass for getting rid of it all.  I hope the same happens to her.  I wish her no harm, but for her eyes to be opened.  I would NEVER have expected or accepted ANYTHING from herhad the roles been reversed/  The fucked up thing is that she & Jeff NEVER said anything to me.  I made comments on how I could not thank them enough, that I wanted to reimburse them somehow, but they refused.  And yet I am somehow a bad guy.  There were double standards in our friendship, but I accepted it because I loved my friend more than our petty faults.  Apparently, she doesn’t love me beyond money.  Such a shame…

Well, I’m going to come out about a few things (TOTALLY off subject) while I wait a bit before making a phone call.  Do you all remember Bobby?  The black man from Belatne?  Well, we’ve been seeing each other.  He is in the process of getting divorced, and one night one the phone, it came out that we were both attracted to each other.  We saw each other then, and he sent me off on my trip last week.  Since I’ve been back, we’ve spent every possible moment we could with each other.  It is an incredible and extremely powerful relationship.  It is WAY too good to be true.  Yes, the “L” word has been spoken, and there is discussion of his moving to VA in a little while. 

I must admit, it does scare me a bit.  This is moving INCREDIBLY fast.  It is amazing, the connections we have made…I told him things I haven’t told ANYONE else….I’ve never felt this way before, but I am scared.  It’s overwhelming & it is a bit frightening.  I know what ever is meant to be will be, and as happy as I am, I am so afraid of making another BIG mistake.  Only time will tell, I guess.  My first day back, he sent a dozen red roses to work & then stopped by with a yellow-peachy colored one!  He has helped me out with the truck & some other things, it really has been amazing.  We have had some extremely sensitive & emotional discussions.  He can literally touch me (and I don’t mean in a sexual way) in ways that would normally freak me out b/c of the past abuse, and I’m fine.  What that represents to me is beyond meger words, I will never be able to express the depth & power I feel about that, it is phenominal.

 My head is really spinning right now…I have so much on my mind.  Good, bad & indifferent.  Such is life, I suppose.  There is so much more I want to say, but between my computer slowly dying for no reason & my current emotional state & the fact that I need to call Bobby shortly, I just can’t get into it all.  Hopefully, the computer will be fixed & ready to go by Monday, and then I can FINALLY get back to all of you.  I love you all & miss you like hell!

I guess I’ll be off, then, for the time being.  I do hope all is well with each of you.  Take care, much love & many blessings! 

I have like no time to write & my computer is slowe than molasses.  I will try to get the hard drive cleaned up on Monday.  In the meanwhile, I will check up with everyone as soon as I can.  I miss you all.  Things have been absolutely crazy!  I can’t get into all the detail, but some good some bad.  Unfortunately the bad is that it seems my 16 year long friendship with Lauren has died.  She has her perception of things which is just as valid as mine.  My view on this is that I offered time & again to help pay her back for all that she did for me last week, but she refused.  I led the horse to water but she was NOT drinking.  And somehow that was my fault.  She was mad that I DIDN’T do anything, even though I tried time & again.    She explained in her e-mails how hard it was to support 3 people on 1 income, which I don’t doubt for one second.  I did, however, tell her that I understood how difficult that was, but that wasn’t my fault, I did not want to blamed for a decision that she & Jeff came to.  And now, it seems that I am just flat out evil.  Again, I know that her side is equivalent to mine, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I hear anything here, but just as she has every right to express herself, so do I.  And that is how I saw this situation.  And now, 16 years of friendship is over.  I hate to sound callous, but things have been a bit rockly since Christmas.  Honestly, I think it is merely the fact that our lives have gone is such separatew directions, there really isn’t any common ground any more.  It’s a shame, I love her & I hate to lose her, but she needs to go down her road and I need to go down mine.  There is nothing wrong with either of the lifestyles we have chosen, they, unfortunately, are just too different.  I wish her nothing but the best.  I will always love her, Jeff, Colin & any future children they may have.  I wish them no harm.  I want simply the best for them, whether we remain in contact or not.  I cannot stop loving someone after 16 years of close friendship, and I won’t.  She will always have a VERY special place in my heart.  Again, no matter what happens, I pray that life brings only the best blessings.  She is a good person, but perhaps to much of an opposite of me.  I don’t know, I’m not going to try to pretend to know, I’m not shutting this door.  My door is always open for her, she can do as she pleases.  They always say if you love something, let it go.  If it’s meant to be it will come back, and that is how I feel about this.  I DO love her, so I’m going to let her go, to let her feel all that she feels & let her decide where to go from here.

I would love to get into more detail as my life is completely upside down in every respect from other forces as well, but that will need to be another entry.  I miss all of you.  I will catch up, I promise.  Much love & many blessings to everyone!

Here are some pictures of my new home & me holding Colin (Alert the media!  Lauren is actually holding & playing with a baby!)  My apartment is the 3rd floor balcony w/ the tree in front of it.

I will catch up with you later.  I hope all is well with each of you.  Much love & many blessings to all!

Well, it has been a very busy past couple of days.  Between staying with Lauren & attempting to help her (although, I think I wasw more in the way than anything) & looking for jobs & apartments, etc.  I’ve been extremely productive, though.  I just signed the contract for my apartment this afternoon!   I am SOOOOOOOOO excited.  Lauren & I will be going back tomorrow to take pictures, if I can, I’ll post them up here, too.  I have a VERY strong job possibility which I’m totally thrilled about.  Apparently, word about me has been travelling around the Richmond area at lightning spped!  How cool!  Everything is falling into place so unbelievably well, and even the things I couldn’t wrap up this week will be finished shortly.  It’s so exciting….I can’t even begin to describe the happiness & relief & excitement of my life coming together this way.  And Colin is just cute as anything!  He has been great.  Was sick last night, he had a fever of 103, but it’s coming down & he’s doing a lot better.  He loves me (God only knows why, but he does) & I adore him.  He is the only child I really get mushy with & love & adore & want to play with, we have a blast.  Poor kid, though….Now he can never escape his crazy aunt Lauren.  Bobby & Dawn said everything is kosher back home.  Tobar even took to Bobby!  Rock on!   I should go, dinner is just about ready.  It’s just so nice working on a computer that actually runs properly.  I really need to get mine fixed once I get home.  Anyhoo, I’m off for now.  I PROMISE I will catch up with everyone once I’m back.  However, my xanga time will significantly drop since I have to start packing now.  Anyway, I’m outta here for now.  I will talk to everyone later.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Hi everyone!  I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry I haven’t written.  Between working 2 60 hour weeks & planning the trip down to VA & my computer slowly dying on me, I’ve been a bit preoccupied.  I’m in Virginia now, at Lauren’s.  I’ll be here for the week.  I highly doubt I’ll get any time to catch up with everyone, but if I can, I most certainly will.  Take care all of you.  I miss you!  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Happiness

 

Suddenly every sound is an instrument in the beautiful symphony of life that is all around me.

Suddenly colors are so bold and bright they are blinding, yet I could stare at them endlessly.

Suddenly, I am weak and light-headed, yet I’ve never been stronger.

Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with a joyous fear.

Suddenly, all the pieces of my life fit, and I know they will not come unglued.

Suddenly, the sun seems dull comparitive to the brightness I have.

Suddenly, the moon is full, and she will never wane again.

Suddenly, I feel no pain, I can go on indefinetly.

Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I know what true happiness is.