June 19, 2004

• 16 years down the drain in time faster than the gap between the "lub" and "dub" of a heartbeat.  I thought Lauren wasn't so superficial, but apparently our friendship was based solely on money.  The Lauren I grew up with ABHORED that kind of mentality, and now she lives it.  Ironic how much people change throughout life, isn't it?  And she's fucking me over one last way, too.  I'm not getting into the details now, but she had me by the shorthairs & she just twisted with all her might.  There was a time we had an arguement in high school & I got rid of EVERYTHING I had from her.  3 months later, we patched things up.  She has unsubscribed to me here & blocked any e-mails from me.  I can't help but think back to my reaction when things were rectified & I felt like an ass for getting rid of it all.  I hope the same happens to her.  I wish her no harm, but for her eyes to be opened.  I would NEVER have expected or accepted ANYTHING from herhad the roles been reversed/  The fucked up thing is that she & Jeff NEVER said anything to me.  I made comments on how I could not thank them enough, that I wanted to reimburse them somehow, but they refused.  And yet I am somehow a bad guy.  There were double standards in our friendship, but I accepted it because I loved my friend more than our petty faults.  Apparently, she doesn't love me beyond money.  Such a shame...

  
  

  Well, I'm going to come out about a few things (TOTALLY off subject) while I wait a bit before making a phone call.  Do you all remember Bobby?  The black man from Belatne?  Well, we've been seeing each other.  He is in the process of getting divorced, and one night one the phone, it came out that we were both attracted to each other.  We saw each other then, and he sent me off on my trip last week.  Since I've been back, we've spent every possible moment we could with each other.  It is an incredible and extremely powerful relationship.  It is WAY too good to be true.  Yes, the "L" word has been spoken, and there is discussion of his moving to VA in a little while. 

  
  

  I must admit, it does scare me a bit.  This is moving INCREDIBLY fast.  It is amazing, the connections we have made...I told him things I haven't told ANYONE else....I've never felt this way before, but I am scared.  It's overwhelming & it is a bit frightening.  I know what ever is meant to be will be, and as happy as I am, I am so afraid of making another BIG mistake.  Only time will tell, I guess.  My first day back, he sent a dozen red roses to work & then stopped by with a yellow-peachy colored one!  He has helped me out with the truck & some other things, it really has been amazing.  We have had some extremely sensitive & emotional discussions.  He can literally touch me (and I don't mean in a sexual way) in ways that would normally freak me out b/c of the past abuse, and I'm fine.  What that represents to me is beyond meger words, I will never be able to express the depth & power I feel about that, it is phenominal.

  
  

   My head is really spinning right now...I have so much on my mind.  Good, bad & indifferent.  Such is life, I suppose.  There is so much more I want to say, but between my computer slowly dying for no reason & my current emotional state & the fact that I need to call Bobby shortly, I just can't get into it all.  Hopefully, the computer will be fixed & ready to go by Monday, and then I can FINALLY get back to all of you.  I love you all & miss you like hell!

  
  

  I guess I'll be off, then, for the time being.  I do hope all is well with each of you.  Take care, much love & many blessings! 

  • 8:52 pm
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