June 28, 2004

• Keith Doug's anniversary is here & I can feel it.  I feel it physically.  The date is today & I feel every part of it in my muscle fibres.  He's come to me several times since his death.  He was with me for quite a while immediately following his wake, he visited me on Samhein, he's come on a few random occasions as well.  He was even with me on Beltane.  He was actually very clingy on Beltane.  I could feel his spirit, he was literally not leaving my side.  I miss him like hell, I really do.  His was one of those deaths that you have no idea how greatly the person impacted your life until it's too late.  In a way, I wish that it was just the accident coming up, not the anniversary.  I want to be able to go the funeral home again.  I want to see those pictures of him again.  I want to be there...  I don't want it to be a year already & I still don't know what happened to his body, or who has those pictures, or who took his dog, Neo.  It hurts. 

  
  

  *You'll see me refer to him as Keith Doug, Doug, Meith Mug or Mug.  Keith Doug is his name, although we sometimes called him Doug for short.  Meith Mug & Mug are nicknames.  They refer to him when he's drunk (the various stages of Keith Doug in inebriation).  It's a little lengthy to go into here, but they are terms of endearment.*

  
  

  "Mug" died in a motorcycle accident.  He was riding with Darin, and somehow Darin lost him (Darin tends to ride very fast).  Darin had actually turned around to find Mug, when he came upon the accident.  Mug was speeding, trying to catch up to Darin, and a 70 year old man (mind you this is at night on a not-so-well-lit street, so it was dark, and the man had just gotten off a plane, so he was probably exceptionally tired), in a small SUV was making a left hand turn & Mug smacked into him.  The impact was so great that the passengers in the back had to be cut out of the car.  He was found a block from his bike.  Darin said he just looked "broken."  He was bleeding out of every orifice, one leg got cut off below the knee, and the calf was behind his head.  He died in Darin's arms.  It took about 2 weeks for the wake because Keith Doug had no family.  The family he did have lived in California & did not speak to him (or at least they weren't on the best terms.  I know why, but it is not my place to discuss his family matters).  There was talk after the wake about a viking funeral or cremation, I never found out what happened.  Everybody was there, but Vinny, Darin, Matt, Falcon.....All the guys we (and he) rode with hung out outside for a while, came in, looked at the photo-collage, and then went back outside.  They didn't pay any kind of respect(s) to him.  It bothered me.  Still does.  They were his family, he always said that too.  They treated him like shit when he was alive & they treated him like shit in his death. 

  
  

  The worst part of all this was, (a) he was the nicest one of the group & (b) he was starting to get his like in order.  Unlike the others, he was going back to school for business & management classes, and he had just bought his own landscaping company.  None of the other guys (to this day) have come close to that.  He was starting to get his life in the right direction.  He told me he needed to go, and I understand that, I just wish it would have been different, under "better" circumstances.... 

  
  

  God, I miss him.  Bobby & I are going to the site of the accident.  I want to spend some good time there, rather than just in passing. 

  
  

  He's the one I got that waxwing (bird) tattoo for.  Waxwings represent gentleness in spirit & higher knowledge.  And I put it ON the sword, because he always thought he was below me, and I wanted to show & honor him by putting ABOVE me.  Sigh....Sorry for such a long ramble, but I've thought about him just about every day for the past year.  Please, read my memorial below, and light a candle in his honor.  Thanks.

  • 11:22 am
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