Pain, hurt, beytral, mistrust, abuse….This is my life.  A never-ending soap opera.  Why the hell can’t I break this cycle?  I refuse to put up with this shit any more.  I cannot continue to allow myself to be a doormat.  The pain & stress of home has been making me so sick.  Truthfully, I should have been hospitalized last week.  My Ulcer & IBD have never been worse.  I get migraines daily.  My muscles ache.  Every joint hurts.  I’m dehydrated.  I’m poisoning my own body.  I’m killing myself slowly.  Yet, I push on.  Work is the only relief I have.  It’s pathetic, but true.  Someone, please save me.  This is not a battle I can continue to fight alone.

Alone…The one thing I hated for so long, but now I yearn for it.  Solitude, peace…That is all I need, yet I am unable to receive it, to enjoy it.  Why?  I know there must be so much more to life…

Hello again.  I’d say I’ve returned from the land of the dead but I’m feeling pretty dead at the moment.  I’ve got a cold & something happened last night so I didn’t get the sleep I needed so the cold is kicking MY butt for a change.

Just so you all know…Don’t ever piss me off.  Here’s why….My car, my beloved 2002 Stratus died on my way to work Monday.  That was a whole fiasco in & of itself.  So, I get the car towed to a local dealersahip b/c I have a 7 year/100,000 mile warranty on the motor.  The guy calls Tuesday (yesterday) saying it’s ready.  I pick up the car earlier today, shell out a nice hunk o’ change & Bobby goes to work & I’m on my merry way to run a couple of quick errands.  I wasn’t even out for an hour.  I’m on Broad Street which is a main road here, it’s very busy.  Car dies as I’m trying to go onto Broad.  I was able to roll it to the beginning of a turning lane so I was out of the way.  Mind you, it did EXACTLY what it did on Monday.  A cop happened to be driving on Broad & he stopped to stay with me.  Bobby came a second later & the the local volunteer motorist assistance division of the county police came & called a tow truck for me.  Got the car towed BACK to the dealership.  I let them have it, and they had the nerve to NOT apologize or give me my check back or anything.  Oh yeah, I’m pissed.  See, what these folks don’t know is, You don’t EVER mess with a Kane.  I have already contacted the BBB & I have the address for the US Corporate HQ for Daimler Chrysler.  After I’m done here, I’m writing a letter which will get mailed to that HQ tomorrow.  Oh yeah, I don’t mess around.  I go straight to the top.  I am also going to tell them I’ve contacted a lawyer & if they push, I’m calling my grandfather’s lawyer.  I am NOT taking this lying down.  (Insert multiple, VERY colorful obscenities here).

Quickly, going back to my last post.  We are not officially engaged.  Bobby gave me a commitment ring that he made, before the move (this was before we decided he’d move with me).  He is going to ask my family’s permission & I am asking Andre’s permission & there will be an official proposal.  We’re just trying to give ourselves a time frame here b/c we have a few goals that we want to reach BEFORE the wedding, so this way, we’re giving ourselves something to work for.

Anyhoo, I’m gonna head out for now.  I hope all is well with each of you.Take good care, I will hopefully catch up on all your sites later.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Hello, Xanga world!  I have a little bit of time before Bobby comes home from work.  I’ve been cleaning the house all day, so I’m taking a break.  Well, actually, it’s my second break.  My first break was supposed to be food shopping (ooh, fun!  I know).  I STUPIDLY went into a Bridal shoppe just to get some info…Maybe to look.  Well, asshole that I am, I just put a gown on lay-away.  The gown was $450 & the veil was $59, so I could pay it off up front, but I don’t want to feel that big pinch right now, I’m trying to pay off my debt.  So yeah….I’m excited   BTW, our tentative date is 7/22/06….You’re all invited.  It’ll be in Scotland!

Anyhoo…Besides that, here’s a brief up-date.

I officially became old last Thursday, Sept. 30…I turned an ancient 25   Bobby & I got inked & we went to a Fondue restaurant that is in the same shopping center as my job, called The Melting Pot.  Holy cow that had to be the BEST food ever!  Albeit expensive, it was awesome.

The day before my birthday, I went to Petsmart to get cat kitter & ended up getting ANOTHER bird.  A white-faced Cockatiel with a cinnamon tail & pied wings.  He/she/it is beautiful.  Hand raised, EXTREMELY sweet.  I have bloodwork pending to sex the bird by its DNA.  Bobby named the bird Hrothgar from Beowulf.  Definetly someting I need to re-read, but that’s besides the point.  So, our menagerie is up to 2 cats (Akhenaten & Nefertiti), 2 birds (Tobar & Hrothgar) & Bobby’s fish (Ludwig).  I’m feeling a bit maxed out on the animal front

Oh yeah, I got my right eyebrow pierced on 9/16….I LOVE it!  So does Bobby.  It’s a small, slightly curved blue barbell with a little rhinestone on the top piece.  Yes, I’ve lost my mind

We’ve been seeing Andre every Sunday for a few weeks now.  The visitations have been going wonderfully.  Better than I could ever expect.  Andre wanted Mexican food for lunch a couple of weeks ago, so I figured I’d just sit & watch my 2 men eat.  Andr walks up to the table, pulls out a chair, goes to the other side of the table, pulls out another chair & sits.  I look at him puzzled.  So, I asked him, “What are you doing?”  He told me he pulled out the first chair for me!  Isn’t that the cutest/sweetest/bestest thing you ever heard?!   He is SUCH an awesome kid.  I’m proud of him.  Bobby & I are hoping that when he turns 14, he opts to live with us.  We can give him a better home & a better reducation than his current situation.  I mean no disrespect to his mother, but the live in the ghetto, and he is really smart & has so much potential, I want to make sure he has all opportunities available to him.  Unfortunately, we drove the 2 hours down there on Sunday to find out that she decided to take him to church.  Now, I have no problem with Andre going to church.  I have a problem with church being an all day affair & we were never asked or notified & I end up using an entire tank of gas for nothing.    Bobby was so hurt.  I felt horrible for him.  Normally I’d say there’s always this week, but Jay is supposed to be coming down this weekend, so I have no idea what’s going on.  My assumption is that when Jay leaves for NY Sunday AM, we’ll head out to Norfolk.  The problem is, it is nearly impossible to get a hold of Keisha or anyone to set something up.  That’s a whole other, very involved rant that I won’t bore you with  

Bobby is working at Guitar Center & loving it.  He’s doing very well there.  I absolutely adore the hospital I work at.  It is super cool, very hard work, but it’s a great envirnoment.

We’re doing so well & we are so happy in every aspect of our lives.  Life is going so very well.  This ,ove was the best thing either one of us could have done.  Jay is visiting this weekend, my mom will be down later this month…Life is good.  I’m gonna jet for now…Got a lot to do.  I will try to catch up with each of you as soon as I can.  I hope all is well with you.  Take good care, everyone!  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Jeez!  I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry it’s been this long.  We’ve been retardedly busy & I’m having some comp problems    Hopefully on Saturday I can up-date you & read everyone’s blogs.  I miss you guys so much!  I hope you are all doing well.  Take care each of you.  Much love & many blessings to you all!