Poll time, folks!  Elaina & I are going to the movies on Friday (Insert large YAY! here) & I haven’t been out to the movies in…god knows how long.  A year?  Maybe two?  So, I want to know (A) What’s out there & (B) What’s good?!    She doesn’t do horror movies well & I’m not a huge horror person, so that genre aside, what else we got going on?  She & her roomies saw Alexander, so that’s out too.

We’ve been calling & e-mailing each other about every other day, maybe more & we only met a week ago tomorrow!  Her friends like me & I like them, we had a great conversation today…I have good feelings about this.  The best part is, neither of us are pushing anything.  We both want to take things slowly & get to know the other person first.  She knows what happend, so at least it’s out there, there aren’t any surprises with this, and I’m sure it’s helping her to understand where I come from.  She’s really cool…I really enjoy her company as well as the company of her circle of friends.  This has been such a great thing for me.  My circle is expanding, I’m getting out of the house & she makes me laugh my ass off…Not a bad thing at all   So anyway, I’m really excited about this & I want us both to have a really good time, so I want this to be one hell of a movie!    So, please cast your votes now!  Thank you!

Thank you all for the very kind & supportive words.  I appreciate it.  It really means a lot to me.  Akh still has the diarrhea   But, hopefully she’ll be better soon.  I’ll keep you posted.

As for me…Things are kind of strange.  I’m working on a book to help other survivors.  It’s mainly compiled of my xanga entries, workbook exercises, some posts on a community bulletin board, etc.  It’s to help guide others through the healing process, for them to understand they are not alone, and they are not crazy for feeling what they feel.  My writing bug of days gone by has returned, and with what furvor!  However, sometimes I find myself at a loss.  I go from such extremes, and I think that is part of the healing process, as well as all the hormonal changes I’m going through.  I cannot think about my mom or I cry, but then there are times I’m higher than a kite.  Go fig.  It’s so hard to describe these thoughts & feelings, they are so intense & so varied, I think that is why I often feel like I need to write, but I cannot find the correct way to express myself.  I just don’t want to give myself another ulcer, or worse, by keeping this in.  I fought enough to maintain an outward appearance that I had it all together.  Now that things are finally coming into place & I can allow myself to feel, I want to describe it all.  How do you describe the physical & mental torture of going through a termination?  The humiliation, the depth of the pain, feeling like a bad person when you are simply the victim?  It’s hard for me to think of myself as a survivor, or as strong.  If I knew someone who went through this, I would think what a strong person she is.  But since it’s me, I down play it.  I’ve downplayed this whole damn thing.  I don’t want to be prideful or egotistical.  I don’t want to think more highly of myself than I deserve, you know?  I just did what I had to do.  I don’t know, it’s weird.  I just think/feel very lowly of myself, and I’m actually afraid to let myself be proud of what I’ve done, what I’ve endured.  Does that make any sense at all?  I can’t wait, I have individual AND group therapy on Wednesday, they both help, I’m really excited.  I now see therapy as a good thing.  I used to think there was some kind of stigma attached, now I just see it as a way to boost my self-esteem, to help fix my issues with self-image, perpetuating the cycle, self-abuse, etc.  I have a lot of hope & faith that therapy can, if not completely fix it, get me on the right path for fixing issues like how lowly I think of myself.

I know this whole thing is really rather random & discombobulated, and for that I apologize.  Such is my crazy, hormonal mind right now.  I hope you are all well.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to you all! 

Hi all!  I just got home a little while ago, had a great time with “Thanksgiving Part II”…Elaina’s friends are good people.  It was really nice.  Have a TON of meds for Akh, turns out she’s sick   I’m going in tomorrow to check the blood work to see what exactly is going on.  Hopefully this regimen will do it for her.  Poor thing.

Thank you for all the kind words.  It’s healing, I know it is.  It’s not easy, but I know I’m not crazy (well, not TOO crazy ).  I still have a lot of anger & resentment that I have to go through this.  I guess I’m a bit impatient for karma this time.  It bit Vinny in the ass pretty hard, so I’m sure it’ll be that much worse in this case.  It’s just waiting & hoping I can know about it, how wicked of me!   I’ve done a lot of work in my work book & caught up on some of the projects in it.  It’s so tough.  I go from one deep emotion to another.  I really do want to know that in some way he is suffering.  Please don’t think of me as some kind of sick, evil person.  If you knew the horrors that I experienced physically AND emotionally, you would understand.  It’s just that I want some sense of justice….

I need to go give Akh some SQ (SubQ = Subcutaneous = under the skin) fluids & injectable antibiotics, and then hit the hay.  My poor hay stack takes such a beating.  I hit it at least once a day, sometimes more….   Anyhoo, have a loverly evening, everyone, I’ll try to catch up with ya tomorrow…I got a lot to do, so don’t hold me to it    Much love & many blessings to you all!

Addendum:  I’m breaking down.  I’ve hit one of those points, I think everything is finally catching up to me.  In doing some of my excersizes in my work book, I’ve seen just how lowly I think of myself.  I have NO self-esteem.  Emotionally, I’m on the edge….I told my therapist one thing that scared me was that I didn’t cry a hell of a lot.  Now, I’m about to.  I think this is normal, I think this is one of those points I just had to reach.  I think this is just part of the healing/recovery process.  Sigh…This is so tough.  I just want to be better.  I wish I didn’t have to go through this.  I just want someone here to hold me.  This hurts.  Why did I have to go through this & not him?!  I hope karma does to him all that he did to me: the rape, killing Tobar, impregnating me, going through everything from morning sickness to the termination, everything.  I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be evil or vengeful, but I fucking hurt and I want him to pay for what he caused.

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When do I get to just quit life?  I give up, world!  I swear, I can’t do this any more.  BOTH cats are deficating outside the box, Akh is having diarrhea, and heaved 3 times within the first 20 minutes I was home.  I JUST paid a decent amount on my bill at work & now I have to pay for more tests, meds, etc.  Finances are getting retardely tight as I am trying to catch up & get myself out of this debt.  I’m just tired.  I want a break from work & drama & stress.  I’m going out with Elaina again tomorrow.  I met her through Curve & we hung out Wednesday evening, and today, she invited me to “Thanksgiving Part II” with her friends.  As of right now, nothing is happening between us, but that is the way we BOTH want it (which is great for me.  FINALLY, no pressure!).  Sigh…The offer is great, and I’m going to have fun, but it only prolongs my coming back to reality for a couple of hours.  I want my reality to be different.  I want to know what it’s like to truly trust someone & have a healthy relationship.  I want to know what it’s like to sail through life the way my brother does.  Hell, I just want to know what it’s like to have freakin’ depth-perception!  All my life, I had to work my ass off to get anything, any little thing.  When is it my turn?  When do I get my chance to sit back & relax?  Mind you, I am proud of how far I’ve come.  I’m just so fuckin’ beat, though.  I am tired, I am truly exhausted in every way possible.  The world has pounded on me for the past 25 years.  When do I get a break, even if for a moment, just a pause where I can say, “Aaaaaaahhhhhh,”?  I don’t mean to complain, I know there are millions of people out there who have it worse than I do, I just don’t feel like I handle all this same shit any more.  I’ve been carrying it around for 25 years and my arms, shoulders & back REALLY hurt, if you know what I mean.

Sigh…Not a damn thing I can do about it, either.  I need to go eat, I’m hungry.  I hope you are all well.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

I need to go to bed, and I am tired, but…

I just can’t help but feel like my road to recovery is like a 12-step program.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.  I’m just trying to take control of my life again, to build up my self-esteem, to better who I am, to break this damn cycle of abuse, to mourn all the losses & tragedy I’ve endured this past month or so.  I’m excited about therapy.  I look forward to working in my work books & so forth,  I just feel like I’m in some bizarre 12-step AA-type program.  Is it ok that I feel this way?  Perhaps this is my AA, I don’t know.  I’m confusing myself about it.  Is it even worth contemplating to this extent?  I just don’t know.  Any thoughts or ideas?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!  Hope you all feel as blessed as I do.  Have a beautiful, wonderful day.  Much love & many blessings to each of you today, and every day!

Hi all.  Thanks for all the kind words & support.  It has meant so much to me & I don’t think I would have been able to get as far as I have with out your love, support, positive energy & prayers.

Strange question….When I go to check the comments on my site, it highlights each of them.  Some are highlighted in the same color as my text, so it just looks like a big purple box.  Does anyone know how to change it?  Is there a way I can change the colors, or get the boxes/highlighting to go away so I can read the comments?  Sorry, I’m not terribly computer saavy, so, please bear with me.

Well, I’m over due to take my antibiotics.  Plus, I really want some ice cream, but I have to wait an hour till I can after taking the meds, and time is not going backwards for some odd reason

Be good, all.  I hope you all are well.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to each of you!

I finally told my mother.  This has been plaguing and scaring me for way too long.  I was afraid.  I felt like a disappointment, I didn’t want her to hate me.

We had an awesome conversation.  She was more than supportive.  She doesn’t blame me for the decision I had to make.  She was so amazing.  As I told Lauren, I’ve seen her be awesome with me in the past, and tonight surpassed that.  I wasn’t sure if she’d be great or hate me for putting myself in that position, but she was unbelievable, it was not only a relief, she helped me to feel better about myself.  Despite all our problems in the past, we are very close, and tonight brought us closer.

My mother is such a blessing.  Thank the deities for moms!

Addendum:

I feel like I got hit by a mack truck.  Woke up with a migraine   Took some extrs strength tylenol & it didn’t do squat.  The cramps & headache today are horrible.  I’m about to take 1/2 of a vicadin b/c I’m in so much pain.  This sucks.

I’m emotional, too.  I miss him.  I know this is hormonal.  Why the hell would I miss someone who has hurt me so badly?!  Why do I torture myself like this?  I hate being like this.  I hate being a statistic.  I wish I knew what it was like to NOT go through this.  Oh well…

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An addiction.  That’s what I have.  The addictive personality runs in my family, and I definetly have it.  I have an addiction to self-abuse.  If I didn’t, my life would not have played out this way.

I got another tattoo tonight.  This makes 14.  A friend of mine through meetup.com invited me to a tattoo convention.  My first one.  It was really cool, I enjoyed it.  I got a small, dark green tribal on the back of my left calf.  It is to represent my strength, and also the soul lost from all this pain.  It took maybe 20 minutes to do (I told  you it was small).  I had to.  I’ve been wanting to honor this, and I was going to when I finish out my back piece, but the time & price & artist were right tonight.  It’s one way I display this addiction.

Clearly, between the tattoos, eyebrow piercing & abusive relationships, I have an addiction to cause myself pain.  I don’t know exactly why, I just know it stems from my father.  But why?  Why do I continually do this to myself?  Why do I put myself in dangerous positions?  Why do I purposely cause my body harm?  How can I stop it?  How do help myself.  All I want to do is heal. 

Support.  It’s an amazing thing, it really is.  I went from feeling so alone, to feeling like I have real friends.  This has had to be the darkest time in my life (and Lauren can attest to the fact that I have had several dark periods, but this one takes the cake).  The co-workers who know what has been going on have been AMAZING.  Even the ones who didn’t know the full story have shown me great support & care.  I went to my first group meeting last night & that was a good help as well.  Lauren, however, has been beyond amazing.  What she has done for me, the kindness & generosity she has extended to me is unmatched.  The love & caring she has shown & what all of this means to me, is beyond words.  I will never be able to thank her enough for all this.  I only hope that there is some way I can thank her or pay her back.  I am truly, truly indebted to her.  And thanks to all of you for your prayers, support & kind words.  They have helped more than you could ever imagine.  Thank you, thank you all so very much.  I am in the beginning stages of healing & I recognize that I am truly, truly blessed.