November 7, 2004
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I finallly learned what REAL betrayal is. This afternoon it was taught to me in one of the harshest lessons life has ever given me.
I won't say how, but I found out some EXTREMELY disturbing information. First & foremost, Bobby keeps saying how he loves me & always will, yet from a far. What I didn't realize is that his loving me meant that while he was still living here, he created profiles on e-harmony.com & Dating Tech. He has profiles from other women, matches on both sites, etc. I don't know if I have ever felt so worthless & small before. I guess I'm easily replaced...
The other VERY fucked up thing is this: Curve has a community area, with bulletin boards. I posted on there looking for help. When you are so far away from your family & your familiar surroundings, you try to find to help & support from where ever you can so you don't feel alone. He knew this. I thought he knew this, but I thought nothing of it. Although, there was an odd woman, a sex therapist who kept telling me to do the opposite of what everyone else said. I thought it was odd & even remarked to some co-workers about the strangeness of it all. Turns out that was him. He created not only a profile, but a persona. Not only did he try to advise me, but he wrote to other women, giving them "advise." He even e-mailed me under this facade. He will stop at nothing to manipulate me, obviously.
This scares the living daylights out of me. He is clearly not stable....He is nothing like what I thought he was. The fact that he is capable of suck things, on top of raping me & killing my bird...I can't describe it. I'm in shock, really. I read his latest post earlier & it did what he wanted it to do: Guilt me. I cried, I felt a tremendous amount of pain. I was wondering why & how something that seemed to be so good could go so horribly wrong. Then, I found all this shit.
It solidifies my decision, but it hurts me so much more. My wounds are deeper than ever. Salt has been poured into every open, gaping, bleeding wound on my body, in my heart and within my soul. I am not the same person I was when I woke up this morning. This is horrible. It is so difficult to express, to try to put into words all that I feel & think. I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone.
Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers, I need them right now. I am not in a good place, I am not well. I need help. I am trying to heal, but each day brings new information which only hurts me more. I truly do not know how much more of this I can take. Anyway, I do hope you are all well. Take good care, each of you. Much love & many blessings to you all.
Comments (6)
*sends you good vibes* while all these is really horrible, please, PLEASE don't be down on yourself! You chose to trust people, THEY are the ones in the wrong when they betray you! just take care of yourself! and try not to rub salt in the wounds! It's good you know all this about him now, like you said, to confirm you're making the right decision, but ack, you don't need to know any more bad stuff! *hopes for lots of good, happy stuff really soon*
That scares the living daylights out of me, too. *shudder* I'm glad you're at least out of the situation somewhat, even if the aftermath is usually the hardest part. Close prayer support continuing.
i agree w/mj07...that's the same kind of stuff I was saying yesterday...
I'm proud of you for making the decision to get him out... YOU made that decision... you protected yourself...and knowing all this extra crap just proves that you did the right thing...
Don't fulfill his desire for "connection" to you by engaging him... the longer you engage and show him that you're finding these things out, the longer he has you in his death grip.... (and I don't mean that you are directly engaging him... but imagine his joy in reading that you are hurt by his most ridiculous and frightening betrayals...) perhaps going protected so HE can't read this stuff would be helpful...that way you can still get feedback and support but you are preventing him from becoming involved....
Girl... I love you... I'm always here and I don't want you to feel like you're bothering me when you call
It was great to have you here last night... and it brings tears to my eyes to see how much Colin adores you! :bighug:
Oh my friend I am sorry you are going thru such an awful time. I am sending good energy you way. You are a beautiful person inside and out. Don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. There are people out there that love you can care about you :bighug: Things will get better.
Love
Silver Sky
Leave him. He's evil.
It has to stop.
In Jesus' Name, Lauren you Gotta take control of his life.
Oh my God. He's evil.
my prayers are with you right now.
*Jesus touch my friend and rescue her right now*
Amen.
- D
*your life. not his. screw him.
- D
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