November 9, 2004
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Sigh...Life. What the hell is the meaning to all this? I'm not depressed...Well, not that depressed. I'm tired, VERY confused, and well, just trying to deal. I'm working on The Courage To Heal workbook at least 1/2 hour a day, often more than that. It's helping, a lot. Unfortunately, though, group tomorrow got cancelled. That's 2 weeks in a row! I want to go to my group therapy! <Insert child-like temper-tantrum here, i.e., Cartman-esque> Work is going ok. I haven't slept well the past couple of nights, last night especially, so I'm dragging a bit, but I'm pressing on. I cannot let this affect me in every facet of my life. I got a call from Karen, the woman who is to be my individual therapist today while I was at work. I'm going to call her in the morning & see if she can't squeeze me in tomorrow. I NEED HELP!!! I want help....I want to get better. I want to get this damn disease & cycle out of me, PERMANENTLY.
The stress is even getting to the cats. Akh is urinating & deficating all over the house
Tomorrow she starts on Amitriptylline, an anti-depressant which will hopefully break her of this cycle. I feel bad for her...I don't want her to be that upset. This hasn't been easy on anyone.
Welp, I'm tired. I need to work in my book, too, before I hit the hay. If you haven't read it yet, please read my last entry, it really puts this whole thing into perspective. Tonight, I discovered ANOTHER lie of his, but it doesn't fare at all to those. It just hurts that I loved & trusted someone with my entire being & this is how he treats me. There has to be a purpose to this. This cannot be happening just because. Although I may not be aware of it right now, I know that somehow, someway, there is a greater meaning/purpose to this. That is what I use to keep myself going. That & the determination & hope of healing, I'm excited to be whole, to be better. Reaching that goal...At this point, that is what my life circles around. That is all I can focus on, besides work, it is all I should focus on. Anything else will just pull me away from my healing. I refuse to let ANYTHING stop me. Not any more. This is my time.
Ok, I've rambled enough. Sorry! I hope you are all well. I will try to catch up on the morrow, if I'm able to get all my errands done. Take care, everyone. Much love & many blessings to you all!
Comments (2)
oh God. feel better.
i will pray for you. and yes you wil get out of this cycle.
- D
OMG, I'm so sorry, sweety!! It's been awhile since I've been able to get to my friends' sites. I'm so sorry you've been going through all this. I'm sorry, but what a scum sucking dog he turned out to be! He IS scary!!! Goddess knows what he'll try next, BUT don't be afraid because you're a strong, strong, woman and the Goddess has your back. The fact that you're reaching out for help shows how strong you are! Please tell me he's moved out!! Love and healing energy coming to you! Big hugs, sweets!!!
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