November 14, 2004
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It's so hard keeping it all together. Keeping up some kind of appearance that I'm ok, that I'm not just out-and-out losing it on the inside. But, I am. I am dying. I am gone. The emotion, the stress, the fear of what is going on & what is about to happen is killing me. It is eating my soul alive. Trying to maintain some kind of routine, some sense of normalcy...it's all out the window anyway, I don't know why I bother trying. I don't sit here & wonder "Why me?!" but I do wonder "When does it end? When does it get better?" For the past month, my life has been not only going down hill, but speeding down a mountain. I told Lauren today, it's as if everything I've loved & valued & worked for is being destroyed and/or taken away from me. I do wonder what I did to deserve this & although consciously I can think of nothing, my spirit has never been so sorry or apologetic, wishing I had never done whatever evil it was.
I beg all of you, please continue to put out good thoughts, energy & prayers for me. I need it. Something happened today & it makes me wonder if he cast some kind of black magic (I refuse to put the "k" behind this word because that is not magick), or if it is because there is literally a piece of him inside of me. Is it the negativity & incorrectness of that spirit residing in me that is causing all this shit to happen, or is there more to it? I may end up doing a ritual cleansing bath, I feel I need it. If I can (energy wise), I will. With all that has been going on, I am truly drained, I have nothing left to give. It amazes me how it went from thinking this was the man I was going to marry to wishing I could be the pulp out of him (I know I can't, but all the emotions are so built up in me, it's all I feel). I need time to sort through all this, to take care of myself, to heal, to understand. I know it's too soon, but I feel so overwhelmed, I cannot find that light at the end of the tunnel any more. I know things will get better, they have to. It's just getting myself through this right now which seems impossible.....
Comments (3)
difficult...YES...
impossible...NO...
I know it surely doesn't feel that way right now... but hopefully it soon will...
read my post when you can...
I think you need more immediate support than the YWCA is able to give, Laur...
You are not alone. You are never alone. Even by yourself, you are always with those who love you. Let them help you.
May all the best in the universe come to you right now.
I think a cleansing would be a really good idea!! Get rid of his negativity and any part of himself that he left behind. I would also suggest smudging your house or apartment. There's bound to be negativity there as well and if he left any creepy crawlies behind to harrass you, they will also go. I know you're exhausted, but put your all behind it. Let him and his residue know that this is your place and you're the boss!!
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