November 21, 2004

• Addendum:

  
  

  I feel like I got hit by a mack truck.  Woke up with a migraine   Took some extrs strength tylenol & it didn't do squat.  The cramps & headache today are horrible.  I'm about to take 1/2 of a vicadin b/c I'm in so much pain.  This sucks.

  
  

  I'm emotional, too.  I miss him.  I know this is hormonal.  Why the hell would I miss someone who has hurt me so badly?!  Why do I torture myself like this?  I hate being like this.  I hate being a statistic.  I wish I knew what it was like to NOT go through this.  Oh well...

  
  

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  An addiction.  That's what I have.  The addictive personality runs in my family, and I definetly have it.  I have an addiction to self-abuse.  If I didn't, my life would not have played out this way.

  
  

  I got another tattoo tonight.  This makes 14.  A friend of mine through meetup.com invited me to a tattoo convention.  My first one.  It was really cool, I enjoyed it.  I got a small, dark green tribal on the back of my left calf.  It is to represent my strength, and also the soul lost from all this pain.  It took maybe 20 minutes to do (I told  you it was small).  I had to.  I've been wanting to honor this, and I was going to when I finish out my back piece, but the time & price & artist were right tonight.  It's one way I display this addiction.

  
  

  Clearly, between the tattoos, eyebrow piercing & abusive relationships, I have an addiction to cause myself pain.  I don't know exactly why, I just know it stems from my father.  But why?  Why do I continually do this to myself?  Why do I put myself in dangerous positions?  Why do I purposely cause my body harm?  How can I stop it?  How do help myself.  All I want to do is heal. 

  • 4:05 pm
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