November 29, 2004
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Thank you all for the very kind & supportive words. I appreciate it. It really means a lot to me. Akh still has the diarrhea
But, hopefully she'll be better soon. I'll keep you posted.
As for me...Things are kind of strange. I'm working on a book to help other survivors. It's mainly compiled of my xanga entries, workbook exercises, some posts on a community bulletin board, etc. It's to help guide others through the healing process, for them to understand they are not alone, and they are not crazy for feeling what they feel. My writing bug of days gone by has returned, and with what furvor! However, sometimes I find myself at a loss. I go from such extremes, and I think that is part of the healing process, as well as all the hormonal changes I'm going through. I cannot think about my mom or I cry, but then there are times I'm higher than a kite. Go fig. It's so hard to describe these thoughts & feelings, they are so intense & so varied, I think that is why I often feel like I need to write, but I cannot find the correct way to express myself. I just don't want to give myself another ulcer, or worse, by keeping this in. I fought enough to maintain an outward appearance that I had it all together. Now that things are finally coming into place & I can allow myself to feel, I want to describe it all. How do you describe the physical & mental torture of going through a termination? The humiliation, the depth of the pain, feeling like a bad person when you are simply the victim? It's hard for me to think of myself as a survivor, or as strong. If I knew someone who went through this, I would think what a strong person she is. But since it's me, I down play it. I've downplayed this whole damn thing. I don't want to be prideful or egotistical. I don't want to think more highly of myself than I deserve, you know? I just did what I had to do. I don't know, it's weird. I just think/feel very lowly of myself, and I'm actually afraid to let myself be proud of what I've done, what I've endured. Does that make any sense at all? I can't wait, I have individual AND group therapy on Wednesday, they both help, I'm really excited. I now see therapy as a good thing. I used to think there was some kind of stigma attached, now I just see it as a way to boost my self-esteem, to help fix my issues with self-image, perpetuating the cycle, self-abuse, etc. I have a lot of hope & faith that therapy can, if not completely fix it, get me on the right path for fixing issues like how lowly I think of myself.
I know this whole thing is really rather random & discombobulated, and for that I apologize. Such is my crazy, hormonal mind right now. I hope you are all well. Take good care. Much love & many blessings to you all!
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