It’s so hard keeping it all together.  Keeping up some kind of appearance that I’m ok, that I’m not just out-and-out losing it on the inside.  But, I am.  I am dying.  I am gone.  The emotion, the stress, the fear of what is going on & what is about to happen is killing me.  It is eating my soul alive.  Trying to maintain some kind of routine, some sense of normalcy…it’s all out the window anyway, I don’t know why I bother trying.  I don’t sit here & wonder “Why me?!” but I do wonder “When does it end?  When does it get better?”  For the past month, my life has been not only going down hill, but speeding down a mountain.  I told Lauren today, it’s as if everything I’ve loved & valued & worked for is being destroyed and/or taken away from me.    I do wonder what I did to deserve this & although consciously I can think of nothing, my spirit has never been so sorry or apologetic, wishing I had never done whatever evil it was.

I beg all of you, please continue to put out good thoughts, energy & prayers for me.  I need it.  Something happened today & it makes me wonder if he cast some kind of black magic (I refuse to put the “k” behind this word because that is not magick), or if it is because there is literally a piece of him inside of me.  Is it the negativity & incorrectness of that spirit residing in me that is causing all this shit to happen, or is there more to it?  I may end up doing a ritual cleansing bath, I feel I need it.  If I can (energy wise), I will.  With all that has been going on, I am truly drained, I have nothing left to give.  It amazes me how it went from thinking this was the man I was going to marry to wishing I could be the pulp out of him (I know I can’t, but all the emotions are so built up in me, it’s all I feel).  I need time to sort through all this, to take care of myself, to heal, to understand.  I know it’s too soon, but I feel so overwhelmed, I cannot find that light at the end of the tunnel any more.  I know things will get better, they have to.  It’s just getting myself through this right now which seems impossible…..

Sigh…Life.  What the hell is the meaning to all this?  I’m not depressed…Well, not that depressed.  I’m tired, VERY confused, and well, just trying to deal.  I’m working on The Courage To Heal workbook at least 1/2 hour a day, often more than that.  It’s helping, a lot.  Unfortunately, though, group tomorrow got cancelled.  That’s 2 weeks in a row!  I want to go to my group therapy! <Insert child-like temper-tantrum here, i.e., Cartman-esque>  Work is going ok.  I haven’t slept well the past couple of nights, last night especially, so I’m dragging a bit, but I’m pressing on.  I cannot let this affect me in every facet of my life.  I got a call from Karen, the woman who is to be my individual therapist today while I was at work.  I’m going to call her in the morning & see if she can’t squeeze me in tomorrow.  I NEED HELP!!!  I want help….I want to get better.  I want to get this damn disease & cycle out of me, PERMANENTLY. 

The stress is even getting to the cats.  Akh is urinating & deficating all over the house   Tomorrow she starts on Amitriptylline, an anti-depressant which will hopefully break her of this cycle.  I feel bad for her…I don’t want her to be that upset.  This hasn’t been easy on anyone.

Welp, I’m tired.  I need to work in my book, too, before I hit the hay.  If you haven’t read it yet, please read my last entry, it really puts this whole thing into perspective.  Tonight, I discovered ANOTHER lie of his, but it doesn’t fare at all to those.  It just hurts that I loved & trusted someone with my entire being & this is how he treats me.  There has to be a purpose to this.  This cannot be happening just because.  Although I may not be aware of it right now, I know that somehow, someway, there is a greater meaning/purpose to this.  That is what I use to keep myself going.  That & the determination & hope of healing,  I’m excited to be whole, to be better.  Reaching that goal…At this point, that is what my life circles around.  That is all I can focus on, besides work, it is all I should focus on.  Anything else will just pull me away from my healing.  I refuse to let ANYTHING stop me.  Not any more.  This is my time.

Ok, I’ve rambled enough.  Sorry!  I hope you are all well.  I will try to catch up on the morrow, if I’m able to get all my errands done.  Take care, everyone.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

I finallly learned what REAL betrayal is.  This afternoon it was taught to me in one of the harshest lessons life has ever given me.

I won’t say how, but I found out some EXTREMELY disturbing information.  First & foremost, Bobby keeps saying how he loves me & always will, yet from a far.  What I didn’t realize is that his loving me meant that while he was still living here, he created profiles on e-harmony.com & Dating Tech.  He has profiles from other women, matches on both sites, etc.  I don’t know if I have ever felt so worthless & small before.  I guess I’m easily replaced…

The other VERY fucked up thing is this: Curve has a community area, with bulletin boards.  I posted on there looking for help.  When you are so far away from your family & your familiar surroundings, you try to find to help & support from where ever you can so you don’t feel alone.  He knew this.  I thought he knew this, but I thought nothing of it.  Although, there was an odd woman, a sex therapist who kept telling me to do the opposite of what everyone else said.  I thought it was odd & even remarked to some co-workers about the strangeness of it all.  Turns out that was him.  He created not only a profile, but a persona.  Not only did he try to advise me, but he wrote to other women, giving them “advise.”  He even e-mailed me under this facade.  He will stop at nothing to manipulate me, obviously.

This scares the living daylights out of me.  He is clearly not stable….He is nothing like what I thought he was.  The fact that he is capable of suck things, on top of raping me & killing my bird…I can’t describe it.  I’m in shock, really.  I read his latest post earlier & it did what he wanted it to do: Guilt me.  I cried, I felt a tremendous amount of pain.  I was wondering why & how something that seemed to be so good could go so horribly wrong.  Then, I found all this shit. 

It solidifies my decision, but it hurts me so much more.  My wounds are deeper than ever.  Salt has been poured into every open, gaping, bleeding wound on my body, in my heart and within my soul.  I am not the same person I was when I woke up this morning.  This is horrible.  It is so difficult to express, to try to put into words all that I feel & think.  I don’t wish this kind of pain on anyone. 

Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers, I need them right now.  I am not in a good place, I am not well.  I need help.  I am trying to heal, but each day brings new information which only hurts me more.  I truly do not know how much more of this I can take.  Anyway, I do hope you are all well.  Take good care, each of you.  Much love & many blessings to you all. 

Sigh….so much going on, and yet, all is quiet.  Quiet because I am alone.  Thank the Gods for Lauren.  Our friendship has returned, and we got back into things as if nothing had happened.  She has been a wonderful support, I couldn’t ask for more. 

Why is it that people don’t understand that not every decision we as people make are based on love?  Love is a wonderful thing, but we cannot afford to let it rule our every decision.  There are decisions in life that we don’t want to make, things in life we don’t want to do.  But, we have to.  The pain is only temporary, but the effects are ever-lasting.

How is it that Ludwig, HIS fish is still alive?  Clearly, he has not been ignored or neglected.  I now feed this damn creature that I don’t like (not because he was Bobby’s, but because he’s a fish…I used to be phobic, now I just can’t stand them).  I found him a home so I don’t have to take care of him any more.  I also feared that I would keep forgetting him & inadvertantly kill him.  I couldn’t do that.  That is why I found him a home, to ensure his life & well-being.  But that was a gift that was not granted to my beautiful, wonderful Tobar.  A bird who should have lived to thirty, dies at 3 1/2.  A bird who you cannot pass by without her screaming, so you can’t miss her, unlike a fish.  A bright beautiful bird who sits on a table by the end of your bed, so you see her every day….Somehow she gets neglected & her life is ended 10 times short of what it should have been.  How is that possible?! 

I have so much I am trying to absorb.  So much pain, hurt, beytral, disappointment.  Broken dreams.  A broken spirit.  I am broken.

The moon is a beautiful bright woman, cut in half.  There was death, darkness & mourning around her.  This is a waning moon.  The death phase of the life cycle.  This is something I am familiar with.  For, not only I do I mourn the passing of a year since my beloved Nyako passed into the next world, I mourn the loss of my heart, of a romance for which I had such dreams and aspirations.  I mourn the passing of my beloved Tobar.  She left me yesterday due to the negligence of that romantic interest.  Death is all around me.  Many doors have been closed in my life.  I am looking for the new starts.  It’s horrible, though.  Not only am I alone, I am lonely.   I am shattered.  I am empty.  I truly feel as I have nothing left….