Happy New Year, everyone.  Let’s all hope that 2005 is better than ’04.  I stupidly agreed to go to a part Leighten is throwing tonight. I agreed mainly because I haven’t seen him in a while, I like hanging out with him, he’s down to earth, relaxed, etc.  But now, I’m wishing I had said no…I’d really rather just sit home & watch the South Park New Year’s Rock-a-thon    Oh well.  I just won’t stay out late.  I’ll try not to.  I said that at Samhain, and I didn’t get home until 6:30 am.  Unlike Samhain, though, I don’t have a reason to fear coming home.  It’s my home now, he’s gone, I’m safe.  Although I don’t feel it…I’ve become slightly paranoid for some reason, but that is another topic for another day.  Anyhoo…I’m really tired, I may lay down for a bit.  I hope that no matter what your plans, you are SAFE, and that you all have a great new year!  Take good care, each of you.  Much love & many blessings!

It is grey and cold outside.  People are out & about, but they seem as dismal as the sky.  It seems like a sad day, it seems like a day that lacks emotion.  It seems hopeless.  It is all of those and none of those.  It’s a cold, contradictory day.  It is the epitomy of bittersweet.  It’s weird.  I went to the UPS store to fax a couple of copies of my resume.  As I was pulling in, so was Shaun from work.  So, I stopped him to say hi.  That created a whole domino effect.  Stephanie, Ashley & Lindsey all met me outside, too.  They MADE me go in.  It was weird being back, not being an employee.  It was nice seeing everyone & they invited me to go bowling on Sunday.  I STILL didn’t get my answer as to why this happened.  I don’t think I care any more.  It’s not worth my time, energy or emotion.  I have to go back in the morning to drop off my key and pay off my balance.  I just don’t know what to make of all this.  It’s bizarre, simply put.  I got my faxes out…It’s just so odd not going to work at Gayton any more.  Oh well, this happened for a reason.  I’m not even going to be optimistic, right now, I’m just not feeling it.  I’m just taking this for what it is.  A change, just another change in the never ending saga that is my life.  Oh well.  Whatever.  I have some stuff I want to do around the house, so I guess I’ll end this.  I hope you all are well, and I wish you a bright, beautiful, wonderful, happy, healthy new year.  Much love & many blessings to you all. 

PS…That book I read (see above; I just finished it today)…REALLY good book.  My group leader says it’s kind of a classic or standard in the psych community.  It has really helped a lot.  I’ve read quite a few books now, and I like all of them.  This is one is interesting because it focuses on the ABUSER & his mentality…Very interesting.

Sigh….I have so much going on.  So much change.  My life has changed drastically since Samhain, the new year.  And as the other new year approaches, I can’t help but wonder, and be fearful.  I had this feeling that 2004 would be such a good year for me, and yet, that feeling was far from correct.  I am actually afraid of what might be coming.  I am afraid to think, “Oh, this will be a good year,” or “I’ll make this resolution & things will improve greatly.”  I’m afraid to be too lofty in my ideals.  I’m optimistic, don’t get me wrong.  I’m happy & I’m getting through everything pretty well (I think).  However, I’m really just focused on a day-to-day basis.  Now, I’m the type to say that ANY day is a good day to make a resolution, it doesn’t have to be on a particular “holiday” if you will.  I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to explain, but I actually find the concept of 2005 coming to be overwhelming, it just seems like too much or that it’s too big.  I think the instability I’ve been feeling from the rape, losing Tobar, Bobby moving out, dealing with the after-effects of the rape & now losing my job is causing me to paranoid.  Sigh….I feel very small right now, and weak, and even vulnerable….

I’m back, fellow Xangans.  NY was nice…Bittersweet, really.  I’ll get into things later.  I’m really tired (and cranky).  I’m just pissed off about work.  Everyone is mad about this & nobody saw it coming.  Which is all good for me b/c when Dr. Moon gets back from his vacation, he’s never going to hear the end of it.  I don’t mean to sound evil or vindictive, but what he did was flat out wrong.  You don’t pull the rug out from underneath someone when you have a WRITTEN agreement that the deadline is Feb. 1, NOT Dec. 23.  And it’s pretty harsh to fire someone 2 days before Christmas.  I had NO warning, no inkling that this was going to happen.  Apparently, though, the practice is on the verge of going under.  I don’t know if that has any bearing on what happened with me.  I’m going to write a note for Dr. Dugan & ask HER for the answers as well as being a reference for me.  One thing that is really ironic in all this, I got a post-card in the mail from an emergency clinic saying “Ready for Management?”  They’re looking for 2 LVT’s to be shift managers, which is TOTALLY up my alley.  So, I’m calling them tomorrow.  Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

Well, I think that’s all for now.  I’m really tired & really cold.  I do hope you all had a beautiful & blessed holiday.  I will be home cleaning & organizing tomorrow, so I’m sure I’ll have the time to catch up.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to you all.

Becareful what you think of.  That is my lesson for today.  I started realizing that as much as I love my job, I cannot do this forever.  It doesn’t bring home the bacon, and what about my physical health?!  And let’s not even get started on retirement….  Well, I mentioned that to a couple of people & I started considering all the things I want to do with my life.  And you  want to know what happened?  I was fired today.  Fired!!  For no obvious reason.  I was told that everyone ADORES me (the exact words used) & that I’m a hard worker, and a ton of other good stuff.  So, that makes sense, right?  Fire a GOOD employee?  Yeah, makes sense to me.  Sigh….Merry F’ing Christmas to me.  I’m trying to tell myself there’s a reason for this, that I’m moving on to bigger & better things, but I’m pissed off.  I’m sad, tired…I’m feeling a myriad of emotions.  I didn’t tell my mom…We have too much we have to go through this Christmas, I can’t make a dramatic/emotional holiday worse.  I may tell her, but only if it flows right.  Otherwise, I’ll tell her later.  Sigh….Why the hell was I ever born?  This life fucking sucks.  Oh well, whatever.  I have a TON of stuff I have to do, so I’m gonna get going for now.  I hope you are all doing better than I am.  Merry Christmas, much love & many blessings to you all!

First & foremost, please keep my best friend, Lauren, and her family in your prayers.  It is not my place to divulge, but please know that I love them & they need all the love & support in the world.  Thanks.

In other news…

Well, there’s good news & bad news.  Good news: Truck’s alternator is fine & the Stratus repairs aren’t going to be TOO costly ($500 for new rotors & pads on the back brakes, to replace 1 wheel & to replace 1 tire).  Bad news – The wiring on the truck is sooo messed up, it’s draining everything.  So, I have to get the WHOLE wiring system revamped.  That and the tranny probably won’t be able to hold out too much longer, which means it’s time to start shopping for that rebuilt 502 with a turbo 400 tranny on it.  Sigh…Oh well, such is life (If you REALLY want more details, check out my SeventySevenChevy site).

Group was good tonight.  I had dinner with Elaina, that was great, except for the fact that I got SERIOUSLY lost & ended up being 40 minutes late (I called her a few times so I wasn’t rude as I tried to find my way in downtown Richmond).  So, things are going well.  I have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to do tomorrow to prep for my trip.  So, I think this will be all until after Christmas.  So, I hope you all are well.  I wish you all the best now & always.  Take good care, have a beautiful & blessed holiday!  Much love & many blessings to you all!

I have a BIG day ahead of me tomorrow.  The Stratus is getting towed & the brakes are FINALLY getting done…Only took me almost 2 months!    LOL….I’m bringing the truck in the morning to another shop & getting the alternator fixed.  I have to take a cab from the shop to job #2 in the am & back when I’m done…then I can try to continue my day as normal….Got group at 6 (YAY!!!!) & then Elaina & I are having dinner.  If I can get through the chaos of the morning, everything else will be fine.  Sigh…I am tired just thinking about it all!  LOL.  I need to go…I’m tired, I need to feed the kitties, finish up some homework for my individual therapy & get some sleep, ’cause I have to get up mad-ass early.  I hope you are all well.  I will try to write once more before I go to NY (I’m leaving Christmas Eve afternoon & returning the 26th at 10:30 pm).  Take good care, much love & many blessings.  HAPPY YULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yule is tomorrow.  The shortest day of the year.  The time that marks the beginning of sunlight entering our lives more.  I’m very excited to be following the signs from nature again.  Yule is exciting to me not because it’s Christmas & I’ll be getting stuff.  I’m excited because I’m looking forward to longer days again, to seeing my family again.  For some reason, I have this feeling that Yule is bringing me more than just sunlight.  Emotionally…I just have this feeling that good things are headed my way.  I know I can take anything & everything that comes my way, and I will.  I will continue to see the beauty and amazing-ness in the world around me.  The world is not mine to conquer, it is not mine to own.  However, it is mine to enjoy and explore.  That is my new life mission.

I saw two shooting stars on my way home tonight, due to that meteor shower, I guess.  It was beautiful.  It is such a clear night, the constellations are so bright & beautiful.  You know, since this all happened, I have never been happier to just be alive.  I honestly wasn’t sure if if I’d make it.  I couldn’t picture myself going through that.  I had no idea if I’d survive, never mind the fact that I never wanted to die as much as when I was going through all this BS.

I have such a greater appreciation for life & the beauty around me.  Everything that we see, they are all beautiful gifts to us.  We need to treasure each tree, every star, All the clouds, the beautiful & radiant sun…Everything!  I don’t know what the meaning of this life is, why we’re here or any of that.  But I value life so much more.  All I want to do is good work, I want to help people.  I don’t know what’s waiting for me on the other side, but I am just going to keep doing the best that I can.  I find myself often overwhelmed with emotion at random points.  I have changed so much because of this, in so many ways….Physically, emotionally, even spiritually.  It’s amazing.  We take so much for granted.  I don’t mean to sound preachy, please understand I have so much gratitide, the depth of my appreciation for all that I have overwhelms me at times.  I feel very fortunate to have survived this & if I can help someone else, then I am that much more appreciative.  Life truly is a gift, even when people try to pull you down & hurt you.  Even when they think they have destroyed you, they haven’t.  Not if you appreciate the beautiful gift that is you.

I’m finallly in a good mood!  LOL….I had a break from all the bad luck & stress that have been “attacking” me as of late.  It looks like I found someone who will do the restoration on my truck!  <Insert large YAY here!>….For more details, if you are so interested, go check out my SeventySevenChevy site.  My checks cleared so I FINALLY have some money again, so I was able to fill up the truck & buy some stuff…I got Bryan’s Christmas present, I bought 2 more Rape-Healing books, one of which is a workbook, although I’m not as fond of it as I am the Courage To Heal workbook.  It’s a bit more basic.  They do still make some excellent points, though.  The other book I could probably read in 1 sitting, it’s more of a resource & informational book.  I’m still excited about both of them, none the less.  I might get to bake with Lauren tomorrow, which will rock not just the free world, but in fact, the entire world   I’m happy.  I did some chanting & prayer work last night (prayers that were done in a more meditative state than I’ve been doing), it definetly helped.  I’m trying to get re-focused on the Wheel of the Year, also.  I was doing SO well with that & I really felt in tune with nature as well as myself.  Having lost that focus, I think hurt me & caused me to slip & stress, if you know what I mean.  I am determined to get EVERY facet of my life back in order.  I don’t think I have ever had so much deterimination for my life, for my emotional self.  I am so focused on getting healed & being better than I was before.  It’s a nice feeling, let me tell you.

Before I go to buy more egg nog (I’m totally addicted to the stuff…Try the Land-O-Lakes one, it is the best!), I want to post a poll question to you all.  My little cockatiel is hanging out on my shoulder as I type this.  He is a boy.  Bobby named him Hrothgar, after the character in Beowulf.  I just don’t know if I want to keep it.  I was going to name him Ramese after the Pharoah, but come on…Rameses, Akhenaten AND Nefertiti!  I think that’s a bit much.  Then, I was going to combine the 2….Rameses Hrothgar.  Big name for a little man.  Any ideas or suggestions?  Do you think I should stick with the 2 names?  Normally, I SERIOUSLY research names from Baby name websites that have names from all ethnicities, if it doesn’t come to me first.  So, for me to ask is a little out of character, but I’m welcoming so much change in my life, so why not?!

Ok, I’ll shut up now.  Plus, my craving is getting WAY out of hand!  LOL.  Ok, have a good one, all.  My love is with each of you always.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

PS

Off the subject, this is a beautiful site, you should definetly check it out!

http://www.pathways-to-peace.com/popframeset.html