December 28, 2004

• Sigh....I have so much going on.  So much change.  My life has changed drastically since Samhain, the new year.  And as the other new year approaches, I can't help but wonder, and be fearful.  I had this feeling that 2004 would be such a good year for me, and yet, that feeling was far from correct.  I am actually afraid of what might be coming.  I am afraid to think, "Oh, this will be a good year," or "I'll make this resolution & things will improve greatly."  I'm afraid to be too lofty in my ideals.  I'm optimistic, don't get me wrong.  I'm happy & I'm getting through everything pretty well (I think).  However, I'm really just focused on a day-to-day basis.  Now, I'm the type to say that ANY day is a good day to make a resolution, it doesn't have to be on a particular "holiday" if you will.  I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain, but I actually find the concept of 2005 coming to be overwhelming, it just seems like too much or that it's too big.  I think the instability I've been feeling from the rape, losing Tobar, Bobby moving out, dealing with the after-effects of the rape & now losing my job is causing me to paranoid.  Sigh....I feel very small right now, and weak, and even vulnerable....

  • 11:52 pm
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