Month: January 2005

  • First day on the new job tomorrow.  If I can, I will post & maybe try to catch up.  Just posting this, though, will take almost 10 minutes.  Hopefully Elaina & I will have the time to work on the computer this coming weekend.  Hope you are all well.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

  • Hey guys.  I’m not ignoring you, I promise.  My computer is not well.  Elaina is going to have to wipe out my hard drive & we will rebuild.  So, I have to start to back everything up…My book, all my pictures & documents, everything.  Hopefully, I’ll be back soon, and I will let you know how everything went with the Lawyer, etc.  Take good care, all.  Much love & many blessings!

  • IMPORTANT!!  Please, pray & put out some good energy for my best friend, Lauren.  She & her family REALLY need all the support they can get.  I love them & want to help them.  Please keep them in mind.  Thank you.


    So I had a 22-23 hour day yesterday.  I’m still recovering.  The interview in fairfax was HORRIBLE.  One of the doctors asked EVERY illegal question he could: about my politics, my sexual orientation…ALL of it.  I have a meeting with a lawyer on Tuesday to find about filing a report against this scum bag.  It’s was flat out fucked up.  NO ONE deserves to be spoken to that way.  For the first time in my life I am TRULY standing up for myself & taking a step I never would have taken before.  I WILL not allow this man to have the upper hand over me.  So, I decided to take the job in Goochland, I’m waiting to hear back from Dr. Washburn.  And we’ll see what happens from ther.  There’s actually a lot of stuff going on in my mind, but I have to go change & hang out with Elaina & Jen.  I hope you are all well. Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to you all.

  • Change.  My life has been filled with it, and for the best, I think.  I just cannot believe some of things that are going on.  Things I’d never do before.  Between meeting Elaina & hanging out with her & her friends, going out with people from work, expanding meet-up, restoring the truck, joining a few car clubs, I was just talking to a meet-up member & we’re going to host a party for her aromatherapy products.  This is ALL stuff I’d never do before.  I’ve been VERY open about my sexuality, the rape & the effects of the rape.  I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of myself.  I’m still working on the apartment, I’m about to go practice my guitar….It’s not me.  Well, it’s not the old me.  I amaze (and to some extent, scare) myself.  My therapist was talking about creating a new character, a new me.  And I am.  I am really starting to live up to the Star Dancer that is Namid.  I e-mailed a woman earlier about getting some grant money for my book.  I’m dressing myself better, taking better care of myself in every facet of my life.  It’s sooooooooooo weird!!  It’s a good weird, though.  It’s just so strange how drastically my life has changed in such a short period of time.  Who would have guessed that something negative could result in the greatest positive changes in my life. 

  • Damn it.  I just wrote an entry on how tired, confused & depressed/overwhelmed I am & wouldn’t you know it, Xanga doesn’t post.  ARGH………..

  • Tomorrow is D-day…THE day.  The last day I drive my truck as she is.  Tomorrow marks the beginning of my baby’s make-over.  Although I am VERY excited about this (The world will finally see my truck the way I do), I’m gonna miss her.  It’s going to be weird not driving her, not seeing her.  I will have had her for a year the end of March.  My therapist thinks this is a good thing for me: I’m honoring myself.  It’s just kinda weird…The one thing I wanted my whole life & the one thing I’ve talked about non-stop for the past 10 month is finally happening.  It really is a dream come true.  It’s just a weird feeling…..


    Job interview today went REALLY well.  I have a good feeling about this, but we shall see…don’t want to jinx myself.  I’ll keep you posted as things happen (if they do).


     

  • The Introspective stuff previously mentioned.  WARNING!!!! I divulge more here about the movie “Frida.”  If you have not seen it, but want to, I suggest you don’t read it (don’t want to ruin it for you).  If you have seen it or will not see it, then read on, it’s the 2nd part.


    I am a biker hippie. I am a wild recluse. I am a walking oxymoron. I am contradiction. Yet, I make it blend, I make it work. How? Why? As a libra, I am always looking for the perfect balance, but to be so polar opposite of myself is…well, odd. Can one be contradictory? I think so, so long as it is not in a hypocritical manner. Yes, I’m a hippie. I love the birds & tress & being out in nature. Part of that, for me, is being on a bike, or in my car. I often get lost amongst the tree leaves as I drive. Riding or driving is a very free, open feeling to me. It does help me to reconnect with nature. Am I wild? To some extent. I have the tattoos & piercing, I have the music, too. I am a homebody, though. I’m just not terribly social. Being home is safe & comfortable for me. I don’t like crowds, and I don’t like parties or bars. I am wild with myself, I guess you could say. How did I get this way? I don’t know. I think I’ve always been this way. I am proud of the fact that I am multi-faceted, that I have a depth greater than 2 dimensions. It is a little odd that I can go from the New York City Ballet to a ‘67 GTO in no time flat, but it means I get to enjoy more of the world. I feel open to more things, more open-minded, more willing to learn or try. And I have learned how to balance total opposites. I am a walking oxymoron. I am contradiction. I am proud of that.


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    We saw “Frida” tonight. It’s an amazing movie, it really is. Very powerfully. Done in an extremely creative an artistic way. Beautiful. It touched me on many levels, at several different points, but there was one part that really hit home. She became pregnant, and was told that she would most likely not be able to carry, but she tried anyway. She miscarried. She is rushed into the hospital. It then jumps to a scene to the doctor speaking with her husband. She comes out of the room, screaming & crying to see her baby. She does. The next scene is in her hospital room, her deformed child in a bottle of formaldehyde. She painted this incredible painting of herself, the miscarriage, and her son. It was so amazingly powerful. It was extremely difficult for me to hold back the tears. Granted, that is a horrible thing & most people would cry from sympathy. For me, however, it was more than that. That was me. That was my pain. That was my anguish, my despair. No, I didn’t miscarry. I prayed every day that I would, just so I wouldn’t have to terminate. The gods decided that it was not going to happen for me naturally. So, instead I forced a miscarriage. I paid someone to do to me what nature had done to Frida. I loved my child as much as she loved hers. Just because I euthanized my child, does not mean I’m some unfeeling, heartless bitch! It destroys me every day. The fact that I had to make that decision, for some poor, innocent child who would suffer so much, in so many ways. I told my best friend that I do feel like a mother who miscarried. The pain is the same. What I felt, what I went through is the same. It was the worst decision I ever had to make. All I can hope is that my child will forgive me. That she will understand why I did what I did, and that I can enjoy her in paradise.


  • So many things to report tonight.  First off, had dinner with Elaina, Jen, Ivette & their friends Joy & Christine…we had a great time.  I helped a little in the kitchen (let’s get this straight…I was stirring, ok.  It’s amazing I could do that!  LOL).  Well, at one pont, Elaina put her hands around my hips to move me out of the way for a second   She happened to bend down to reach into the oven & I saw her tattoo.  The crazy thing…It’s that symbol.  The symbol I saw in Scotland & fell in love with. The symbol on the ring & in the jewelry I bought from Bobby.  The symbol I had Lynne integrate on my chest/torso tattoo!  Coincendence?  Not calling that yet.  It very well could be.  It could also be more….  Anyhoo, Jen & Eevy (Ivette) gave me a DVD player for Christmas.  I had gotten them something & thought nothing of it.  And they handed me this large box tonight, I hardly had the wrapping undone when I saw what it was.  I was floored.  That was EXTREMELY generous of them. 


    We saw FRIDA tonight.  Absolutely amazing movie.  Done incredibly artistically.  Beautifully done, they integrated her paintings into the movie in such a unique way.  I highly recommend if you haven’t seen it (If you’re not into movies that are a little off-center & very artistic, then don’t see it, it’ll probably bore you).  Anyway…There is a part that deals with pregnancy.  I won’t go into details if you haven’t seen it.  It really hit home.  She did a painting from it…The thought of that painting gives me goose bumps, it is an extremely powerful moment.  It hit such a chord with me.


    There is more…Just an introspective thing (for lack of a better description).  But I think I’ll hold off on that until tomorrow.  For now, good night, sleep well.  Much love & many blessings to you all.

  • Well, well.  Where do I begin?  The phone interview yesterday went well….There are a few hospitals I should be hearing from.  Julia said I should hear from them by next Wednesday, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.


    Had dinner with Elaina, Jen & Ivette.  Ended up talking with Jen until 4 am.  LOL…It was nive, though.  We had a great time.  Got an e-mail from Elaina inviting me to dinner tomorrow night.  Her ex, Joy (they’re good friends) & Joy’s girlfriend Christine are coming over, so they invited me, too.  I thought was REALLY nice, I’m excited about it.


    Had a message last night from the bank wanting to verify some recent usage/purchases I made with my debit card.  They were all legit & I was able to clear things up VERY quickly.  I’ve never had anything like that happen before.  I REALLY appreciated it.  It actually made me feel good, because it felt like the bank was really watching out for me.  I know, I know, that’s their job.  It was just nice to know that they DO actually watch that stuff & make sure that no one stole your card.


    I have done a HUGE amount of work in the apartment.  I really like the way it’s coming along.  The only problem I’ve encountered was that things didn’t necessarily fit where I originally wanted to put them (mainly just with storage.  I don’t have the closet space I had in Riverhead.  But, that’s ok.  It’s really easy to improvise or rearrange things & everything is REALLY coming into place nicely.  I think I’m going to have a small party celebrating a new, clean home & my new job (when I get it).  It’ll be small, just Lauren, Jeff, Colin, Elaina, Jen & Ivette.  I don’t know…I don’t have a hell of a lot of room…We’ll see, just an idea I’m throwing around in my little head.


    So, that’s it for now.  I think that’s enough for a 24 hour period ;)   I hope you are all well.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to you all 

  • Still tired.  Last night was pretty close to normal for me (in terms of a sleeping pattern).  Not great, though, and I could totally go for a nap right now, but that will makes things worse.  Sigh…oh well, whatever.  Once I get into a normal working schedule, things should get better.  I have a phone interview at 2:30….Please keep your fingers crossed, pray, put out good energy…Whatever!    I need it, I’ve got a good feeling about this & I’m nervous about it.  The first woman (head-hunter) I was working with had told me that I’d hear from this company about an office manager position, which is pretty close to home.  I haven’t heard anything, so I e-mailed her last night telling her that & asking what was going on.  In her reply, she tells me that they told her they already spoke with me & are considering me for an LVT position.  Who did they talk to?    I told her I had put in a resume there, but that was 6 months ago!  I told her, no one contacted me then & no one has contacted me now.  Strange, huh?  Not as happy with her as the woman who will interview me later.  This woman works for another company, but they do more work with office managers, and she has been great about getting back to me, which is part of the reason why I want this one to come through, because she has represented this hospital EXTREMELY well.  Oh well, whatever is meant to be, will be.  I just want to be happy at a job, I want job security.  Is that too much to ask?  I’ll keep ya posted if anything happens.


    The only other news is that I went to Bath & Body works to see if they had any White Barn Candles (Same company, BEST damn scented candles I’ve ever burned).  Well, they did.  Lots of ‘em, and wall-plug in scents, too.  And, there was a BIG sale going on.  Lauren (me) spent a little too much time & money there   It was fun & I needed the stuff I got.  My house will now over-flow with vanilla, rather than the cat boxes    Oh yeah…Having dinner tonight with Elaina & the gang, too…YAY! 


    Alrighty, I’m gonna quit for now.  I hope you are all well.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to everyone!


    Random PS – to my NY readers, I know you can appreciate this.  Imagine my surprise as I drove down Broad Street to get to the Y yesterday for therapy & I saw on the electric sign at VCU that something is happening with…HOFSTRA!  LOL…I’m guessing it’s a game or something…It was just odd to see something about Hofstra down here  :)   Just figured you’d get a kick out o’ that  :)