As the anniversaries of the rape and the loss of the baby approach at lightning speed, I find myself so focused on that time, and all that has occurred within the past year.  I’ve been having nightmares.  I get panic attacks at work.  I’ve been very emotional.  My thoughts center around October 10, 2004, and everything that happened after that: how my life was changed so drastically by just a few moments.  Tonight, as Jay cleaned out the litter boxes, I couldn’t help but think of when I was pregnant, and how the smell of the ammonia was so strong to me, that I was unable to clean the litter boxes without starting to heave.  And I find myself thinking about how I was never supposed to be pregnant.  Now, almost a year later, I think to myself, I never wanted to be pregnant; but if I ever was, I want it to be Jay’s, not Bobby’s.  It kills me so much that the only life that will ever grow inside me was one that was not brought on bye love, and was not brought on by the father I would have chosen.  And this is the guilt I must live with for the rest of my life.  Tomorrow is my birthday.  Hopefully it can be a happy mark in my life, instead of bringing on this pain, and these hurtful memories.

People just fucking suck.  Without going into details….People are trying to fuck things up between Jay & I.  Particularly his unstable (mentally) sister & an angry ex of his.  To boot, since the ex found out about me, she has suddenly gone from straight chic to out & out bi, andf from die-hard Christian to Wiccan.  Bitches like that are what give us a bad name.  BE YOUR FUCKING SELF!!  Why would anyone try to immitate anyone else, I’ll never know.  But goddamnit, let me please live my life in peace.  I have more than enough going on right now.  I can’t stand this bullshit anymore….My fucking anniversaries are coming up, I’m stressed between work & school & now this?!  Please leave me alone world…I just want some peace & quiet for once.

 I think I may need to take an official hiatas….so much w/ work & school, I’m about to start up counselling again.  My plate is very full, and as much as I love xanga and all the wonderful people here, I just don’t have the time to dedicate to you guys.  I feel horrible, I really do.  How long, how many times have I said I’d catch up with each of you soon and I haven’t?  I hate that: that’s not me.  I don’t make promises I can’t keep, and in a case like this where now I know I can’t keep it, I’m not going to string anyone along, so to speak.  So, anyway…I’m sorry.  If things calm down for me, I’ll be back sooner.  Otherwise I don’t think I’ll be back before the end of the semester.  Take good care everyone, you are all always in my thoughts & prayers.  Much love & many blessings to you all.  Until next time…