September 29, 2005

  • As the anniversaries of the rape and the loss of the baby approach at lightning speed, I find myself so focused on that time, and all that has occurred within the past year.  I've been having nightmares.  I get panic attacks at work.  I've been very emotional.  My thoughts center around October 10, 2004, and everything that happened after that: how my life was changed so drastically by just a few moments.  Tonight, as Jay cleaned out the litter boxes, I couldn't help but think of when I was pregnant, and how the smell of the ammonia was so strong to me, that I was unable to clean the litter boxes without starting to heave.  And I find myself thinking about how I was never supposed to be pregnant.  Now, almost a year later, I think to myself, I never wanted to be pregnant; but if I ever was, I want it to be Jay's, not Bobby's.  It kills me so much that the only life that will ever grow inside me was one that was not brought on bye love, and was not brought on by the father I would have chosen.  And this is the guilt I must live with for the rest of my life.  Tomorrow is my birthday.  Hopefully it can be a happy mark in my life, instead of bringing on this pain, and these hurtful memories.

Comments (5)

  • I am sorry you are going thru such difficult time right.  Anniversarys of such ... horrible unpleasant events can be very trying on ones self on every facet.  Our situations are very differnt however I can relate to some. Just remember you are a strong, intellegant, beautiful person that deserves to be happy. Don't ever second guess that. Also I hope you have a very happy birthday :2beers:.  Lots of hugs.

    Asrai

  • Come, Lauren

    Be blessed on your quest for the Truth

    SeeK

    FinD

    For you shall know the Truth...and the Truth shall set you free

  • im sorry hes found you
    Hey there, just a heads up. You may or may not get comments from some freakish people online that will try and tell you how evil and misguided you are. I dont know how these people found me or the others they have come across, but I felt the need to let you know and appologize since they could have found you via the blogring which is proudly displayed on my xanga. Blessed Be.

  • Thinking of you with much love and hoping you had a very happy birthday.

  • OMG hun I am so sorry I haven't been keeping up with Xanga. I wish I had been a better friend to you and around to support you during those times. I am so sorry. I swear, I want to fucking HURT Bobby for what he did to you. I am so happy that you have found love and a good and healthy relationship. Tell Jay that if he tries any of the shit that Bobby did or hurts you, I'll track his ass down. Even though I haven't kept up with Xanga, I still think about ya! If you'd still like to keep in touch, please email me. Or, you can come join my site (it has a pet area and a paranormal area that's really cool) http://jaddon.com/forum/index.php and you can keep in touch with me there. Hope to hear from ya soon!

    Best wishes~
    Shan

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