16 years down the drain in time faster than the gap between the "lub" and "dub" of a heartbeat.  I thought Lauren wasn't so superficial, but apparently our friendship was based solely on money.  The Lauren I grew up with ABHORED that kind of mentality, and now she lives it.  Ironic how much people change throughout life, isn't it?  And she's fucking me over one last way, too.  I'm not getting into the details now, but she had me by the shorthairs & she just twisted with all her might.  There was a time we had an arguement in high school & I got rid of EVERYTHING I had from her.  3 months later, we patched things up.  She has unsubscribed to me here & blocked any e-mails from me.  I can't help but think back to my reaction when things were rectified & I felt like an ass for getting rid of it all.  I hope the same happens to her.  I wish her no harm, but for her eyes to be opened.  I would NEVER have expected or accepted ANYTHING from herhad the roles been reversed/  The fucked up thing is that she & Jeff NEVER said anything to me.  I made comments on how I could not thank them enough, that I wanted to reimburse them somehow, but they refused.  And yet I am somehow a bad guy.  There were double standards in our friendship, but I accepted it because I loved my friend more than our petty faults.  Apparently, she doesn't love me beyond money.  Such a shame...

Well, I'm going to come out about a few things (TOTALLY off subject) while I wait a bit before making a phone call.  Do you all remember Bobby?  The black man from Belatne?  Well, we've been seeing each other.  He is in the process of getting divorced, and one night one the phone, it came out that we were both attracted to each other.  We saw each other then, and he sent me off on my trip last week.  Since I've been back, we've spent every possible moment we could with each other.  It is an incredible and extremely powerful relationship.  It is WAY too good to be true.  Yes, the "L" word has been spoken, and there is discussion of his moving to VA in a little while. 

I must admit, it does scare me a bit.  This is moving INCREDIBLY fast.  It is amazing, the connections we have made...I told him things I haven't told ANYONE else....I've never felt this way before, but I am scared.  It's overwhelming & it is a bit frightening.  I know what ever is meant to be will be, and as happy as I am, I am so afraid of making another BIG mistake.  Only time will tell, I guess.  My first day back, he sent a dozen red roses to work & then stopped by with a yellow-peachy colored one!  He has helped me out with the truck & some other things, it really has been amazing.  We have had some extremely sensitive & emotional discussions.  He can literally touch me (and I don't mean in a sexual way) in ways that would normally freak me out b/c of the past abuse, and I'm fine.  What that represents to me is beyond meger words, I will never be able to express the depth & power I feel about that, it is phenominal.

 My head is really spinning right now...I have so much on my mind.  Good, bad & indifferent.  Such is life, I suppose.  There is so much more I want to say, but between my computer slowly dying for no reason & my current emotional state & the fact that I need to call Bobby shortly, I just can't get into it all.  Hopefully, the computer will be fixed & ready to go by Monday, and then I can FINALLY get back to all of you.  I love you all & miss you like hell!

I guess I'll be off, then, for the time being.  I do hope all is well with each of you.  Take care, much love & many blessings! 

I have like no time to write & my computer is slowe than molasses.  I will try to get the hard drive cleaned up on Monday.  In the meanwhile, I will check up with everyone as soon as I can.  I miss you all.  Things have been absolutely crazy!  I can't get into all the detail, but some good some bad.  Unfortunately the bad is that it seems my 16 year long friendship with Lauren has died.  She has her perception of things which is just as valid as mine.  My view on this is that I offered time & again to help pay her back for all that she did for me last week, but she refused.  I led the horse to water but she was NOT drinking.  And somehow that was my fault.  She was mad that I DIDN'T do anything, even though I tried time & again.    She explained in her e-mails how hard it was to support 3 people on 1 income, which I don't doubt for one second.  I did, however, tell her that I understood how difficult that was, but that wasn't my fault, I did not want to blamed for a decision that she & Jeff came to.  And now, it seems that I am just flat out evil.  Again, I know that her side is equivalent to mine, and I wouldn't be surprised if I hear anything here, but just as she has every right to express herself, so do I.  And that is how I saw this situation.  And now, 16 years of friendship is over.  I hate to sound callous, but things have been a bit rockly since Christmas.  Honestly, I think it is merely the fact that our lives have gone is such separatew directions, there really isn't any common ground any more.  It's a shame, I love her & I hate to lose her, but she needs to go down her road and I need to go down mine.  There is nothing wrong with either of the lifestyles we have chosen, they, unfortunately, are just too different.  I wish her nothing but the best.  I will always love her, Jeff, Colin & any future children they may have.  I wish them no harm.  I want simply the best for them, whether we remain in contact or not.  I cannot stop loving someone after 16 years of close friendship, and I won't.  She will always have a VERY special place in my heart.  Again, no matter what happens, I pray that life brings only the best blessings.  She is a good person, but perhaps to much of an opposite of me.  I don't know, I'm not going to try to pretend to know, I'm not shutting this door.  My door is always open for her, she can do as she pleases.  They always say if you love something, let it go.  If it's meant to be it will come back, and that is how I feel about this.  I DO love her, so I'm going to let her go, to let her feel all that she feels & let her decide where to go from here.

I would love to get into more detail as my life is completely upside down in every respect from other forces as well, but that will need to be another entry.  I miss all of you.  I will catch up, I promise.  Much love & many blessings to everyone!

Here are some pictures of my new home & me holding Colin (Alert the media!  Lauren is actually holding & playing with a baby!)  My apartment is the 3rd floor balcony w/ the tree in front of it.

I will catch up with you later.  I hope all is well with each of you.  Much love & many blessings to all!

Well, it has been a very busy past couple of days.  Between staying with Lauren & attempting to help her (although, I think I wasw more in the way than anything) & looking for jobs & apartments, etc.  I've been extremely productive, though.  I just signed the contract for my apartment this afternoon!   I am SOOOOOOOOO excited.  Lauren & I will be going back tomorrow to take pictures, if I can, I'll post them up here, too.  I have a VERY strong job possibility which I'm totally thrilled about.  Apparently, word about me has been travelling around the Richmond area at lightning spped!  How cool!  Everything is falling into place so unbelievably well, and even the things I couldn't wrap up this week will be finished shortly.  It's so exciting....I can't even begin to describe the happiness & relief & excitement of my life coming together this way.  And Colin is just cute as anything!  He has been great.  Was sick last night, he had a fever of 103, but it's coming down & he's doing a lot better.  He loves me (God only knows why, but he does) & I adore him.  He is the only child I really get mushy with & love & adore & want to play with, we have a blast.  Poor kid, though....Now he can never escape his crazy aunt Lauren.  Bobby & Dawn said everything is kosher back home.  Tobar even took to Bobby!  Rock on!   I should go, dinner is just about ready.  It's just so nice working on a computer that actually runs properly.  I really need to get mine fixed once I get home.  Anyhoo, I'm off for now.  I PROMISE I will catch up with everyone once I'm back.  However, my xanga time will significantly drop since I have to start packing now.  Anyway, I'm outta here for now.  I will talk to everyone later.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Hi everyone!  I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry I haven't written.  Between working 2 60 hour weeks & planning the trip down to VA & my computer slowly dying on me, I've been a bit preoccupied.  I'm in Virginia now, at Lauren's.  I'll be here for the week.  I highly doubt I'll get any time to catch up with everyone, but if I can, I most certainly will.  Take care all of you.  I miss you!  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Happiness

Suddenly every sound is an instrument in the beautiful symphony of life that is all around me.

Suddenly colors are so bold and bright they are blinding, yet I could stare at them endlessly.

Suddenly, I am weak and light-headed, yet I've never been stronger.

Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with a joyous fear.

Suddenly, all the pieces of my life fit, and I know they will not come unglued.

Suddenly, the sun seems dull comparitive to the brightness I have.

Suddenly, the moon is full, and she will never wane again.

Suddenly, I feel no pain, I can go on indefinetly.

Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I know what true happiness is.

Sorry it's been a while, all.  Been a CRAZY week for me.  I have a ton of stuff going on & that I have to do.  I haven't forgotten about you.  I'm going to try to catch up with everyone tomorrow, ok?  I hope all is well with you.  Much love & many blessings to everyone!

Well, ladies & gentlemen, let me tell you, the past 24 hours have been adventerous.  First off Bobby's wife's car broke down in Nassau County.  She was totally bitchy about it: wouldn't tell him where she was, yelled at him, etc.  I ended up picking him up & we went to get her.  He & I had an interesting conversation, but I don't think I should go into detail as it's personal business of his.  Anyway, we found her, jumped her car, but it was the alternator.  She was still in super-bitch mode.  Bobby & I left to go to the bar, & she & her friends were to meet up with us.  Which they did.  Needless to say, we all had a good time until she came around.  I ended up having to drive her home.  It bothers me because I have to be nice to her face when I see her treating Bobby like shit & it bothers me.  And I'm not the only one.  In fact, I am only the latest addition to the group who thinks that way.  I hate being 2-faced, it's always something I despised in others, and now I am forced to be that way.  I need to be polite to her, but even when Bobby is gone, he just rubs his head wondering what went wrong.  It just sucks, in more ways than one.

So, I got in at 3, only to get up at 7.  Work was fine, not busy at all.  Then I had the big lunch.  I was getting so nervous, I was starting to feel sick on the ride over.  Well, there was no need for that.  They supported me 100%, think it's a great idea, are willing to help me out & are very happy for me.  It was WONDERFUL.  I got to help my grandfather with a project, too, of sorting out old proofs & print books of old lithorgraphs.  It was AWESOME.  I was holding proofs from 1893 or older.  We got a lot done.  It was great working with my grandfather & helping him with this.  It was truly a perfect day.

My horoscope for today...It is right on today!

You've probably got a nice, warm emotional buzz going. It won't be going anywhere for a while. Share it. You know what they say about how it all comes back ....

So, anyway, I'm home now, thoroughly exhausted & freaking out about my money situation.  Goddess, God & every other deity help me!  So, I'm gonna go feed Akh & watch some TV.  Take it easy, all.  I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday weekend.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Hey all.  Just got home, put Akh in her crate.  She's not thrilled, but it still beats being in the cage at work.  Anyhoo...I'm a bit tired & hungry.  Turns out I am going out with Bobby & Jay & everyone.  The blinkers decided they didn't want to work today.  They've been fickle in the past (electrical isn't hooked up right, I don't think), but she runs, that's all I need.  So, I'm outta here for now.  I'll check in on everyone tomorrow.  Wish me luck tomorrow....I'm having lunch with my grandparents, just the 2 of them & myself....This will be the big "VA" discussion.  I'm sure it'll be fine.  Anyway, I'm gonna go lay down & watch TV, it'll be the biggest break I have for the next 3 or 4 days.  Take care, everyone.  Have a WONDERFUL holiday weekend!  Happy birthday to my bestest llama, Lauren, aka Llamainthehouse.  Check out her site...She rocks!  Much love & many blessings to everyone!

Addendum:

I give up!  I was wrong.  I was allowed to be relieved for about 5 minutes before I was bombarded with stress again.  Somehow I only have $29 in my bank account to get me through till next week.  This is such bullshit.  Goddamn it sucks not having another income to rely on.  This is fucking impossible!  I want to see somebody else try & deal with all this shit, try to fengale all this financially on their own.  Fuck me....

Ok. now that I'm FINALLY caught up with everyone....

Dr. B left yesterday before I could pay him, so that has made my life a LOT easier.  I didn't have to ask Gini for anything (thank every diety there is!), and I'm going to pick up the truck soon.  I'll probably have Pam drive me.  I'll pay Dr. Bitetto next time he comes.  I'm just soooooooooooo relieved.

Work sucked.  Yesterday was hell.  I am exhausted, 2 12 hour days in a row....Damn, that's hard.  This week, I will not be around much AGAIN...Starting tomorrow my schedule is work sat 8-5, Sun 8-11 & 5-6, Mon 8-9, 5-6, Tues 8-8, Wed 8-3, Thurs 1-8, Fri 8-6, Sat 8-5  Insane, I know.  I need the money, though.  No doubt about that. 

This sunday is "seed planting day" as Lauren & I now call it.  This will be the day I plant the seed in my grandfather's head about moving.  Wish me luck!

I'm supposed to go out with Bobby & everyone on Saturday, and then Doreen invited me to a party at her house on Saturday, so we shall see...Not sure yet what all is going on.  I need to be EXTREMELY cautious with my money.  However, for GUDKARMA...Yes, that is one hell of a house call.  But I'm a damn good tipper!

Well, I'm off to go shower & see what's doing with my baby.  Take care, everyone.  Much love & many blessings to you all!