Hello, again.  Thanks to everyone for the kind words, support & positive energy.  The good news is it's only the fuel pump, it'll be fixed tomorrow, so I'll pick up the truck on Friday, and it'll only be $150.  The problem being I don't have $150.  I have to pay for Akh's surgery tomorrow which is $350, I owe work $20 b/c I didn't have enough cash in my account to pay for the cab ride, and my paycheck was only like $460 ± $20.  Pittiful paycheck.  Anyhoo, I'm going to ask my officer manager for a cash advance against my up-coming paycheck which is going to have a shit load of OT on it.  Hopefully it won't be a problem.  Amazingly enough, everyone at work has been great.  Doreen bought me lunch, Tracey bought me dinner, drove me him & is picking me up tomorrow morning.  I couldn't have asked for more, their kindness was overwhelming.  It was great, it really was.  

Please do keep sending some good energy my way.  I need money, and I need the truck to be reliable for a while now.  I need to save up & pay everything else off.  I just need a break.  It seems like nothing ever comes easy for me.  Whether it's karma, just my life, or just my stupidity biting me in the ass, I don't know   I'm trying, as I said before, it's just hard when it's you against the world.

Thank you all very much.  I'm going to go eat & go to bed.  And yes, that story from earlier was about me...It was how I felt yesterday walking & coming home.  Anyway, again, thank you so much.  Take care, everyone.  Much love & many blessings to you all! 

A woman makes a trek that is a thousand years long, yet she would have it no other way.  Her hands are blackened and scarred from all the battles she's fought, and won.  The warrior woman carries the weight of the world on her shoulders, and still picks up more with her hands, and never a compaint passes through her lips.  She is stronger than even she knows.  Always ready, always strong, never pausing to take an easier route if it is available.  Never slowing down or tiring, her soul is made of stamina.  Yet, once she has found shelter after the sun has found his, once the battles of the day have ended, once the trek is over, she finds herself tired, drained...weak.  For the only burden that she cannot bear is that of solitude and silence.

I have to laugh....I thought I was going to crack yesterday.  Ha!  Today was a million times worse.  Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

I left the apartment early, which was good consider Akh had her surgery today (which went fine, by the way, she's awake & doing well).  The truck literally died as soon as I merged onto the expressway.  I pulled over by the side of the road.  Will NOT turn over.  No oil pressure.  Ok, I need oil.  I'll get towed to work, pick up oil, hobble it to Ray's (simply due to location), get an oil change, check the oil pump & be good.  Ok...So I called work to let them know I'll be late, I'm getting towed.  Get towed, nice guy, VERY helpful, it's all good.  Work was INSANE.  I punch out at 3.  Get oil from the car parts store next door, pour in 2 quarts.  She's trying to turn over, it just ain't happening.  So, I call the shop the tow guy was from b/c it's close to the apartment.  I had to call Triple A again, get towed by ANOTHER company to the first guy's shop.  That's right, I need to make grand extrances AND exits.  Ok...so I get there & the guy was at first afraid I blew the motor with no oil, but I told him she was trying to turn over.  After trying to turn her over himself, he said it sounded like the timing chain (bite nails now), however, based on the fact that she just up & died on me, it may be a module (Stop biting nails & cross fingers now).  He's gonna look at her tomorrow & let me know.  In the meanwhile, I left a message with Bobby for.....That guy from Sunday (I'm so senile I STILL can't remember his name)'s number.  If it is the timing chain, this guy can't look at it until after the holiday weekend.  Well, fuck me up a tree & call me Charlie, I can't do that.  So, worst case...I'm hoping the dude from Sunday can do it for me.  We shall see.  In the meanwhile, I walked home.  Probably close to 4 miles.  I was happy to do so, I needed to be out, doing something physical, etc.  One guy tried picking me up (as in giving me his number)....LOL...I told him my name was Joan (I couldn't think of ANYTHING better).  That was the beginning of my trip.  About midway (a little further than the 1/2 way mark), some big guy in an old beat up (I'm guessing 82) Caddy offers a ride.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I was almost home when the guy from the shop came right up to me to offer me a ride.  LOL...The irony of it.  I declined since I was so close, but I found that amusing.  I'm home now.  My hands are black with motor grease & my feet are calloused.  I fought back the tears a few times while waiting for the second tow.  I feel a little better now, but when it's you against the world & you're only 5'1" 105-110 lbs, your opponent looks pretty damn big.  But, I'm still here, so...

Anyhoo....I gotta go get numbers for a taxi for tomorrow.  So sorry guys...I don't see myself getting to you guys until Friday, my day off this week.  I'm sorry...I haven't forgotten about you, I'm just a tad tied up (as you can see).  Welp, that's gonna be all for now.  Thanks for everything, guys.  I'll talk to all of you later.  Much love & many blessings!

Sigh...This needs to be quick as I have no energy, it is downpouring & Akh is getting into the wires...

Pardon me, I'm just frustrated.  I can't park my truck where I normally do anymore b/c of noise disturbance.  I hold nothing against the people, it's understandable.  I'm just so fucking frustrated b/c if I have anything heavy to carry, not only do I have to carry it up the stairs, but I need to carry it a distance before and/or after the stairs.  It just frustrates me & it's times like this I wonder why I am alone & I have to continually do this without any help.  Enough of that, I'm sorry.  As you have all seen before, I get to these points where I feel I can't do this any more, that I'm at a breaking point.  Today is no different.

So, last night was TONS of fun....This is a good group.  I'm happy to have met them & to become part of their circle.    Bobby is married....He's like Justin, just a flirtatious guy.  Nothing wrong with that.  Once I found out he was married, I made sure that I asked permission before I said or did anything, I didn't want to over step my boundaries.  But it was all good.  The only other male there was a nice guy (whose name eludes me) who restores old cars & trucks for fun.  He REALLY knows his stuff.  He WANTS to help me with the Chevy, which is awesome.  (And Silver, thanks for the offer.  If I ever have a question, I'll let you know.  Thank you so much!)  He was very nice, and I spent most of my time with him & Bobby.  Typical, I've always been "one of the guys."  LOL...I don't think I'd mind it, though, if I had to pay him back for his work with a couple of dates   LOL...Whatever.  He's a nice guy, he really knows his cars, he's in love with the truck, whatever, if anything happens, happens.  I'm not pushing anything, I'm just not stopping anything either

Akh's knee surgety got bumped up to tomorrow.  I know she'll be fine, but I do still ask that you put out some good protective energy for her.  Thanks!

Welp, that's it for now.    I'll be seeing Bobby & everyone again on Saturday...it's nice having now a larger circle of pagan friends.  Anyhoo...I'm gonna sign off.  I'll be getting to everyone else's xanga tomorrow afternoon after work.  Nite all.  Much love & many blessings!

Addendum:

I just created a site specifically for the truck & its restoration/modification.  Feel free to check it out, any one you know who is into cars, knows cars, is willing to fix them for free   Just stop by: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=SeventySevenChevy

Before I get into anything...The new profile pic of a cactus.  Lauren sent it over to me.  She said she thought of me when she saw it.  Beautiful, but protected, as I often describe myself.  Which is true (the beautiful part is debatable, but definetly protected)...I give off an appearance to get people to back away, in order to protect myself from getting physically or emotionally hurt again.  So, thanks, Laur!  Very appropo.

Anyhoo, It's been one of those days...

Actually it was fine up until an hour and a half ago.  I was out, and I needed gas.  Put gas in the truck, got in, she wouldn't turn over.  Wasn't even trying to.  Battery was ok, I could get the accessories no problem.  I was up a creek, to say the least.  I was panic stricken.  I was going to call my mother until I remembered she's in California, so she wouldn't be much help & no need to freak her out.  So, I called Ray (his shop is close by).  Of course, it was after 6 pm on a Saturday, so they were closed.  I called Lauren, not knowing what the hell to do.  As I'm talking to her & describing how I was doing everything I normally do to get her to turn over (you need to gas it as you turn it over to release on the choke a bit), she turned over!  Miracle of miracles!  We said it was Lauren's touch & that it was also a sign.  I'll take the hint.  I'll gladly move down there   It's either the alternator or the timing chain.  I'm more inclined to say the timing chain simply because I hear it ticking now once it's running.  And of course, there is no way in freakin' hell I can pay for the timing chain to be fixed or replaced.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh....So, that was that.  Then some idiots in the complex pissed me off with their shear stupidity & selfishness.  Oh well.  If I can get the truck down to VA, then I know I'm ok.  My plan is to register the Stratus down there when I'm looking for jobs & apartments.  Once that's done, I can drive that around & give the old girl a break.  And once in VA, she can really become the restoration project she's meant to be rather than a daily driver which she just isn't any more.  I got the contract in the mail to renew my lease here.  It's good because it'll be a good segway to Virginia when I bring it up with the Oo's (we refer to my grandparents as the Oo's because Bryan & I call them Momoo & Popoo.  As adults and now that Bryan lives in CA, when he mails them Christmas cards or what have you, he addresses it to the Oo's, and we've all picked up on that).  I know my grandfather wants me near, and I want to be near to him too, but I simply cannot afford to live up here any more.  I know that when I present it as logical & financially beneficial, it'll be ok.  I guess it's just scary for us both because I'm talking about moving at a time when he doesn't know how much time he has left.  Mind you, he's in good health.  But he will be 85 in August, and organs can easily just stop functioning properly.  It's been hard enough on him with all his siblings gone, and just about all their friends have passed or are in nursing homes.  And I'm sure hearing things like Tony Randall's death at age 84 doesn't help either.  God help me when that time comes.  I honestly do not know if I can handle it...

Enough morbid talk.  Sorry about that tangent.  It happens.  I do think about that a lot since my grandfather is my everything.  Ok, I'm crying now   LOL...Time to stop.  Ok, ok.  I'm just gonna end this, I've done enough rambling for today.  Nite, all.  I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.  Much love & many blessings!

Good evening.  How is everyone?  I am quite well   Here's my scoop:

1) my finger: Definetly a neuroma.  Well...Sort of.  It was too small to show up on MRI (doesn't that suck?!), but based on location & my symptoms (hypersensitivity, tingly feelings, etc.) the orthopedist is convinced that it is a neuroma.  He happens to have a hand specialist joining his group, but not until July 1.  They are going to try to get me in on the first, or at least that first week for my pre-surgical consult.  At first I was miffed, but then I thought about it.  It actually gives me good time to transition & discuss the idea of the move to my grandfather.  Hopefully, I can have the surgery done in July, go down to VA, set everything up, come back up & then leave when my lease is up in August.  That's what I'm hoping for.  We'll see, only time will tell.

2) Bobby called me today.  He left a really funny voice mail & we FINALLY ended up talking (we've been playing phone tag all week).  We had a great conversation...There was a bit of flirting   We even discussed motorcycle accidents...He had been in one (and is lucky to be alive), so I brought up Mug & then he told me about a friend of his who died in a horrible accident.  We're definetly on for Sunday...I'm really excited about this....Maybe I'm wrong, but it does seem different than anyone/thing before.  We'll see.

3) Got a call about that ASPCA job, believe it or not.  It is such an ideal job, but it's still here in NY!  Worse...The job itself is in the city & I'd have to go back to Nassau county...*Shudder*  Yuck.  So, I may call them out of courtesy....but I don't want it, unless I can't move to VA....but I won't know any of that yet.  Oh well...Whatever.  I'm letting it all go.  See, I'm trying to make that ritual from Wednesday work

I think that's it.  Good night, everyone.  Have a great weekend.  I'll definetly let you know how Sunday goes   Much love & many blessings to you all!

Hi everyone.  I don't have much time, I need to head back to work in about 10 minutes.  I worked my usual 8-3, but I'm covering someone tonight from 5 to 8:30, so I need to get back soon.  Thank you all for the very sweet & supportive words.  It really does mean the world to me.  I used Apartmentguide, and I have gone through one other website & have one more to go.  Currently, I have about 30 complexes on my list.  And I'm not hurting for potential jobs either.  All I can do is hope that on Friday, the doctor tells me it's a neuroma & he sends me to the hand specialist & I find out then how much time off/rehab I'll need, if any.  I've never wanted something to be so dramatic and drastic, only so that I can drive to spend more than a few hours with my best friend & find a potential future for myself.  It all has  yet to be determined....We shall see.  I've encountered a ton of butterflies (which represent change & growth) lately.  One flew right in front of & then around the truck, while I was in it, on the phone with Lauren discussing work/jobs, etc.  I'm trying to remain calm & grounded by I do tend to get extremely optimistic & even dreamy, especially with a sign like that. 

I'm doing a peace & beauty ritual for myself.  For me to grow & improve as a person.  To find peace within myself, to not obsess so much, but to let go & let things run their course.  For me to relax, to find beauty within myself & the world around me.  I need that in general, but especially in cases like this potential move.

I do want to ask quickly, what do owls represent?  I woke up at 4:30 this morning for no reason (no loud noises, no need to pee, the kitten didn't wake me up, etc.), and then I heard an owl.  The stereotypical owl hooting you hear in the movies.  At first I thought I had to be wrong, because I believe that owls screech.  But it hooted over & over, and it wasn't like a mourning dove hoot/cry, it was definetly owl.  Unfortunately, I cannot find my one good book on animal symbology, totems, spirit guides, etc., so I don't know what they represent, what message Goddess & God were trying to get across to me.  I knew as soon as I heard the first hooting that God & Goddess wanted me to hear & experience that, there was a message behind it.  Now I need to decipher it.  If anyone can help me, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Well, my 10 minutes are up.  Take care, everyone.  I'll catch up with all of you later.  Much love & many blessings!

Good afternoon, world.  I should be at work, but I took the day off.  It's that time o' the month & that really flares up the IBD, so I've been in & out of the bathroom all day.  I figured I wouldn't be very productive at work, so I'm just bumming around the house

The apartment looks a million times better, and I heard Bill (the super) in another apartment in this building before 9 am, but I never heard him come in here.  I pretty much locked myself in the bedroom (when I'm not in the bathroom) for the day, but whatever.  The apartment is decent (the bedroom looks like a tornado hit it, but it's all just clothes on the floor).  That's all that matters.

Lauren has been helping me with the apartment search for VA.  That girl rocks my world.  We'll see what happens with that.  It's exciting, I just hope I can make this one work, unlike Florida.  I know that whatever is meant to be will be, but I do have my control issues & I do my damndest to get my way   LOL

Bobby called.  I missed the call, so I'll have to call him back.  That's the guy from Beltane.  I'm getting kind of excited about this, although I get this way when Shannon calls too.  I'm in such an odd place.  I'm not WITH anyone, but if I see Bobby....Does that mean I'm cheating on Shannon?  We only met once....We talk once in a while.  I've never been in a "predicament" like this before.  I've either been exclusive (jumped right into a relationship) or completely single.  I'm not used to this "seeing people" thing.  Whatever.  It's kinda funny....If either Shannon or Bobby works out, it's gonna be a biggie to the fam.  I'll either be seeing a girl or a black guy.  LOL...As you can see, I am an equal opportunity employer   LOL...It is true, though.  I've always said I'm colorblind, when it comes to this.  We're talking about PEOPLE, not things.  Color, religion and gender do not make someone more or less of a person.  I just wish more people got that.

Ok, enough of my preaching   I'm gonna go back to my cave.  I'm probably gonna shower in a bit, much to everyone's relief.  I'm sure you can smell me from there!   I do have to run to the bank at some point, so why not do it soon.  I'll finish watching Dogma on Comedy Central & then head out, I guess.  So, I'll stop rambling now   I hope you all have a wonderful day.  Take care.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

I would like to thank all of you for you kind & supportive words.  It means a lot.  I'm barely getting by, but it'll work out.  It always does.  Yes, I have wanted to leave NY for a long time.  I almost moved to Florida last year with a couple.  They wanted to move without securing a job or apartment first.  I told them that was a bad idea.  Haven't spoken to them since.  I've thought a lot about moving to VA to be near Lauren, and after my trip a couple of weeks ago, my mom brought up the idea.  I am looking at jobs and apartments (information that I would not have if it weren't for Laur), but I need to know it's ok with my grandparents.  Both my grandmother & grandfather have said repeatedly that they want me close by.  So, I need an ok from them to move.  If there is any doubt or hesitation, I will not move.  I owe it to them.  They have done too much for me for me to be that disrespectful.  That will all come in time.  I will keep y'all () posted as things progress.  Again, thank you all so very much.

I will come back later & check everyone's site.  I am running VERY behind on my cleaning plans for the day, so I'd best get started.  The super is coming in tomorrow to check the pipes & smoke detector, and I can't have him come in to this!

I'm outta here for now.  Take care, everyone.  I'll talk to you later.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Addendum:

Some REALLY good cleaning supplies:

1) Dawn Power Disolver.  I bought this while in my last apartment w/ no dishwasher.  Now that I have one, I use this to clean EVERYTHING.  It's grear for the bathroom, it even cleaned my mother's vinyl floor (although she thinks it may have taken the finish off, but it looks good to me!).  I recommend it for all use, but be careful, if you need to use a lot of it, make sure the room is well ventilated.  It will make your muscous membranes (eyes, sinuses, etc.) burn.

2) Swiffer Wet Jet.  Damn, that is one good floor cleaner.  I'll take it over a mop any day.  It cleans amazingly well, picks up some hairs too, and dries very quickly.  Very nice.

3) Oxyclean...I use that stuff ALL the time.  Great in laundry.  I mixed up a bottle of it once, with water.  It got a grape juice stain out of my carpet (in the last apartment).  Good stuff!

4) Oops!  Great cleaner for carpets & what not...Will clean out paint, marker, oil, gum & so much more.  Great for really thick and/or set in stains.  The smell leaves a bit to be desired, but it's not horrible & it's worth it for the cleaning power.

5) Method Disinfecting wipes.  They have a bunch of scents (I like the lavender personally), they're biodegradable & they clean exceptionally well.  Great for bathrooms, kitchen counters, even kitchen chairs.  They can even be used on smooth surface furniture like wood.

That is as domestic as I get.  Enjoy the recommendations & happy cleaning!   

Sigh...another long, busy, lonely day.  Feeling overwhelmed & alone.  I have a lot to go take care of.  Cleaning, getting my MRI results & scheduling my hand surgery, stuff at work, etc.  I am gladly taking donations for the Lauren fund, which at this moment is definetly a non-profit organization.  I'm trying to figure out paying for the rims, plus finding money for the tires, Akh's 2nd knee surgery is in 2 weeks, and I just got bombarded will bills.  Please explain how one single person living on her own in the most expensive state in the country, and getting paid very little, is supposed to handle all this?!  I really don't know how much more I can take, I feel like I'm going to snap any second....  Please put out some good energy for me, I'm extremely stressed & strapped...

Gotta go do a ton of work.  Much love & many blessings to you all.