Sheets of blackness race down my breast.

The darkness is everywhere, it is building up.

Building up.

Lonliness envelops me, as I find my way through the hair and blackness.

I am bald for them now.

None will ever notice.

No one sees me.

I am bald, though.  For him, for her, for her, for her, for him...

If they are fortunate, they will see me in my baldness.

If not, it is only hair, it will grow back.

I yearn for your arms to be around me. 

For you to hold me.

Hold me.

I do not understand how you can love someone and never tell them.

I do not understand how you can make your love bleed and not be wounded yourself.

I do not understand how a little dye under the skin can release endorphins, and raise

self-love.

I do not understand.

That is why I live in silence.

Props to Kym who sent me an IM at some point last night (I was asleep) telling me she didn't have a cigarette all day yesterday!  Rock on, girl!  Congrats!  You should be so proud of yourself.  I'm DEFINETLY proud of you, Hon.  Way to go!

Well, I'm off to go do girlie things so I look semi-decent tomorrow night for a co-worker's wedding.  Nite all!  And good job, Kym!

I got a headache as soon as I got to work.  LOL....My job typically has that affect on people   Not as bad as the others this week, but every day except yesterday, I had some kind of headache or migraine.  I know I'm stressed & over extending myself, but I have to.  I have no one to rely on but myself.  It's all me.  I am well aware of the fact that my body is telling me to slow down & take it easy, but at the moment, I really can't.

Brought Akh home.  I forgot to tell you that she was spayed yesteday.  She did great, she's mad at me, but she's doing fine.

 The truck has become the topic of the week.  Got her inspected today, Ray & the guys LOVED it!  LOL...It was funny hearing them talk.  They were like little kids in a candy store.  "Look that thing has a 350!  Wow!"  LOL...It was great.  There was a terribly annoying lady there.  Ray was trying to talk to me & tell me what needed to get fixed/replaced & she kept butting in.  When she first came in, she was like a whirlwind & she gave Ray such an attitude.  She was practically screaming to him about how sick she had been over the weekend.  My thoughts were, "Sorry to hear that, but what do you want him to do about it?"  People!  Poor Ray is TOTALLY over-worked, stressed out, exhausted and he's working on his day off & this hag is yelling at him for nothing?!  I felt SO bad for him, I really wished I worked there so I could have handled her & taken the burden off his shoulders.  So anyhoo, I'm bringing the truck back in on Monday for new hoses & belts & a new master cylinder.  Currently the master cylinder is leaking & it's not bad.  The truck breaks fine.  But, we don't want to let this go.  I'm also gonna put in my Blaupunkt cd/radio from my F-150 in, and I think that should do it for now (I am such a music junky.  Thank god she's loud b/c without some kind of sound, I'd kill myself!)  Other than that, she just needs new shocks which can wait. 

 I showed the truck off at work too.  Everyone seems to like her, I had a great conversation with Robin (yes, the doctor that diagnosed Nyako, asks me about Wicca is also into cars!  How cool?!).  She LOVES the truck.  She can't wait to see it in the morning, so she can REALLY see it 

I filled up the gas tank twice today.  Shaun (yes, that's how he spells his name.  Unusual, I know) told me to fill it up every 100 miles.  I was at 87 this morning filled up & then 92 when I was leaving work (I reset the travel odometer each time I fill her up).  So, I went to the gas station just down the road from the animal hospital.  Somehow, I don't think I'm allowed back there   No one wanted to be bothered (She is finicky to fuel), and she seemed to top off at 10 gallons which just isn't right, she's got a 20 gallon tank.  It sucks that the gas gauge doesn't work, that would be MORE than helpful 

I smell like gasoline & I love it!  I LOVE this truck.  What was originally supposed to be a burden & a giant pain in my rear end has turned out to be quite the love affair   I'm going to do my damndest to keep her after my 6 months is up.  I am SERIOUSLY considering taking on a second job to ensure all this.   

Oh, totally off the subject.  I got my pictures from Stephen today.  Eeeeccckkk!  Oh well.  I think I look like shit.  I look fat & hairy & freckly.  Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!  I will try to scan the pics on Sunday, so that you can see my madness   The only one that's missing is the tribal on my left calf.  Stephen told me that those were slides & would take longer.  Ya know, just going through them, my cross & 2 Kanji's are missing too....I gotta find out about that.  If anyone cares, I'll keep you up-dated.   Well, it's getting late & I still need to watch my tape of Survivor.  So, I'm off.  Good night, everyone.  Much love & many blessings to you all. 

Ugh.  Please remind me that I always say I can't eat salad for a reason.  I went out to dinner with Denise, a friend of Dawn & Justin's, and a fellow Witch.  We met at Friday's.  I had their harvest apple salad with chicken (I've had it before.  It's REALLY good).  Not that long ago, I ended up paying for it.  BIG TIME.  Salads have bothered me in the past, though not extensively.  So, I'd have one occasionally & I'd be fine.  Since that last attack (a couple of weeks ago), it seems I can't have any   This sucks, I'm trying to be healthy, and this is what it does to me.  And I wonder why I'm single!  LOL....Who would want to put up with a person who spends more time in the bathroom than anywhere else?!   Sad, but true.  Oh well.  I've been wanting to do this Vipassana meditation for a long time, almost a year.  I've signed up twice & had to cancel both times.  A woman who used to work at my favorite Witch store told me about it.  She was telling me about digestive issues she had due to her internalizing the death of her fiancee when she was young (she is now married with a family, etc.).  She said that doing this meditation (it's a 10 day program) really helped her body, because she rid herself of this negativity.  She said she wasn't completely healed, but there was marked improvement.  That's what I need.  I know why I'm like this.  It's very common for survivors of child sexual abuse to internalize & end up with stomach problems later on.  If I could do this program & truly free myself of these demons, I KNOW I'd be better.  I know it will never completely heal, but it will be better, and I won't continue to carry this with me subconsciously.  I'm hoping that maybe I can get the time off in the fall to go....

So, I fell in love with the truck tonight on my way home from dinner.  Last night's drive was just scarey.  My drive to work this morning was slightly frustrating & a bit odd.  But we bonded on the ride home.  She is old & beat (Then again, so am I ), but damn she is still kickin' it with the best of them!  It's so funny...I've never been stared at so much in my life.  Guys in their trucks look (a) because they can't believe something that old is still running and (b) she sounds great.  They are SHOCKED when they see this tiny little girl behind the wheel, controlling a 350 like it's nothing.  It's so funny!  Their expressions are priceless!  I'm hoping that when I go to visit Lauren in May that she can take some pictures of me & the truck & e-mail them to me & I'll put them up here.  Oh, speaking of pictures, Stephen mailed me my tattoo pics, I should get them tomorrow.  I'll scan them at my mom's house on Sunday, so I should be able to post them Sunday night or Monday, if any one is interested,

Well, I should go.  It's getting late.  I missed South Park   I'm still  a little crampy from the battle with the salad.  So, anyhoo, Nite all!  Much love & many blessings to you all!

It is biker tradition that when a friend gets a new bike (especially his/her first), you go on the ritual first ride.  You may stop along the way to bring others along, but you ride around, inducting the new biker & his ride.  It's a fun tradition.  Some bikers stop at bars along the way, some do not.  You are supposed to end the ride at a strip club.  I never did that.  I went on a few induction rides, but we never went to the strip clubs   I was hoping I could do an induction ride with the truck when I pick her up tonight (+ or - the strip club stop), but it seems that no one will be around   After all this BS I have to go through (I had to take today off from work and do more paper work for this, VERY frustrating), I was hoping to do something fun, a nice way to break my stress & tension from the past several days.  Oh well....It'll be just another quiet night at home.  I'm off, I gotta get ready to go battle with the DMV for the rest of the day.  God I hate this!   Oh well.  I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much, guys, I've done what I can, but the computer wasn't very cooperative yesterday.  Hopefully by week's end, after all this is settled, I'll be back on long enough to really comment.  And Gudkarma, you can e-mail me at anytime, Hon.  I'll gladly talk to you!   That's it for now, folks.  So, at around 5 or 6 tonight, when you hear a very loud grumble that you think might be thunder, think again.  That's me driving my new baby

Addendum: It's probably better no one is around tonight   Let's just say it was an interesting ride home.  Driving my F-150 can't compare to this, MAJOR change!   It's all good.  We're home now, and I'm gonna lay down as I have another HUGE headache from sitting in the DMV all day.  Nite all.  Will catch up with everyone in a day or 2, I hope!  Love to all of you!

Still no word from Shaun on the VIN # of the Truck.  Me?  Panicstricken?  Oh yeah!

I had a dream about the truck, too.  I bought it & I'm trying to drive it, to the inspection, I guess.  Sometimes it won't go, it was going backwards even though it was in Drive.  It was funny.  I know there's nothing wrong with the tranny.  It was just funny: I sat through 2 red lights trying to get the truck to move, and it wouldn't.  It didn't sound as good, in my dream, as it does in real life.  It was straining, the motor sounded sick & run down.  Thank goodness that's not the case in reality   Made me laugh....That my stress about this whole thing is coming out in my dreams.  Let's just hope that wasn't a prophetic dream

Been talking to a guy named Otto (well, stage name, really) from okcupid.com and that's going pretty well.  He seems really cool.  Although he is all the way out in Sheboygan, WI   If nothing else, he's a cool guy, a fun internet friend.  Whatever happens happens.  And Elyssa, one of the women I've been talking to from Curve, e-mailed me this morning & wants to know if we can start talking on the phone!   So, that's going well   Another girl from curve (she's only 21, and she lives in Utah.  She found me, but I figured no harm in writing to her) called me sweetie in an e-mail yesterday!   Too funny.  I'm having fun with all this.  It still sucks going to bed alone, but it's fun talking to these people.  You never know, so why not have fun with it?

Well, I need to get ready.  My stomach is doing all kinds of crazy stuff b/c of my nerves right now.  Christ, I hope I can make this work.  Wish me luck!

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Hello agin, world.  Just another entry by yours truly 

I was thinking about what I was going to write in today's entry as I drove around in Lindenhurst, lost, trying to find my great Aunt & Uncle's house.  A trip that should only have taken me an hour, took 2.  Oh well.  I still had a nice dinner with my grandparents & Aunt Margie & Uncle Ed.

During dinner, we had an interesting religion debate.  They are all Catholic & none know that I am Wiccan, but my background in Christianity certainly helped.  We discussed the mercy of God, etc.  We all agreed that it is not out job to judge others.  Who are we to determine if one "sin" is worse than another?  Uncle Ed (the strictest Catholic of all) even said he was ok if gays wanted to live their lives in committed relationships, he had no problem with homosexuality, he just had difficulty with the idea of legalizing marriage for them.  For a man of his background & generation, I thought that was amazing.  I was impressed with his ability to at least accept homosexuality to some degree.  We also discussed marriage & divorce.  Both Uncle Ed & I agreed that people should be allowed to remarry, that divorce should not be considered sinful or wrong.  Margie, surprisingly, didn't like the idea of getting married twice in the church.  Since my parents were married by a judge, she said it was ok if my mom & Richard wanted to get married in a church since mom's first marriage wasn't before God.  I told her God was everywhere.  She said I was right, but she just wasn't comfortable.  To ease the tension (yes, there was tension between Margie & Eddie), I said there were too many shades of grey & that we should leave things to God's descretion.  They both agreed to that.  Right after that, my grandparents left.  I stayed for a little while longer.  The 3 of us talked about how happy we are that Richard is in my mom's life.  We all agreed that he is a blessing to us all.  Marge asked me if I knew if my father knew about him.  I told her I didn't know.  She asked again & I said, "I really don't know.  Ya know, Marge, it's been about 10 years since I spoke to my father."  She asked why & I told her he was a bad man & that he was abusive to me.  She didn't seem to believe me.  She said, "Well, he didn't abuse you sexually did he?" And I told her.  She & Eddie were floored.  Apparently my grandmother never told them.  I told them to keep it quiet, that it really bothers my mom.  We talked about it a bit & you could see it in their faces, they were highly disturbed.  I told them that I believed he would get his in the end, and that it's not my problem any more.  I am moving on & I'm better off not speaking to him (less stress & drama in my life).  They both agreed with that.  I also explained that was why I got married.  We all talked about that cycle & how my father's abuse affected me & I ended up making that decision.  Again, though, we discussed how I'm better off now, I'm moving on, living on my own & doing well, etc. etc.  It certainly changed my relationship with them, I've always been close with Margie & Eddie, now we're even closer.  Although my family, just like any other family, has its issues, I really do love these people & feel blessed to have them in my life.  It was a nice evening.

L-Word was pretty good    It's funny because Pam has gone to that festival the girls went to.  She showed me pictures.  Those shots by the pool are exact, except that it wasn't as crowded as it is in real life.  Pam told me, and you could see it in her pictures, you can't walk around, there are so many women.  It looked awesome, though.  I'll bet stuff like that is really cool.  Maybe one day I'll go... 

Well, I think that's it for now.  Got a big day ahead of me.  Got all the DMV & insurance shit to do for the truck.  I'm slightly worried because Shaun hasn't e-mailed or called me with the VIN, and I'm afraid I'll be stuck without it.  I just keep telling myself it'll all work out, I know it will, but I can't store the Stratus until I know I'm kosher with the truck.  I'm seriously considering keeping it & slowly but surely, throwing small incriments of money into it & restoring it, maybe even to show quality.  We'll see.  It all boils down to whether I can afford to keep & maintain the 2 cars.  To be paying for the storage for one, gas, oil & regular maintenance work on both, insurance on both, etc. on top of my other bills is a lot for me to take on, especially with one job that doesn't pay THAT well.  So, we'll have to see.  All in due time.  I am getting very excited about ot, though.  Little ol' me driving around in this big ass truck with a freakin' 350!  LOL...What a sight.  This truck is bigger than my F-150 was, in every aspect (as far as I can remember about good old "Beast").  It's cool, though,  It's all good   Wow, that was quite a rant for something that was supposed just be a "good night."   With that, I'm REALLY off to bed now   Have a great night, all.  I'll talk to you soon.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Just a quick post tonight....I told Pam I'd help her put a computer desk together, and it ended up being an all night project   

Gudkarma, I definetly wouldn't mind a drive down to NJ to get my neck worked on

Chris, I agree, all cars should have names.  My first car, my 91 Tempo, was Polly the Wondercar.  My second, my much beloved 97 F-150, was Beast.  My third, 98 Escort ZX2, was Stinky (She had this very strange, potent odor <smelled like a dead animal> that would come & go).  The Stratus is September, because she's deep sapphire blue & sapphire is the birthstone for September (which also happens to be my birthday! ).  I was thinking of "Dale" for the truck....Not gender specific & could be a trashy name   Not sure, I'm definetly up for suggestions   Unlike my pets, my cars have semi-normal names

I could go into all my pets' names, but I won't bore you with that   Have a great night, all.  I'll catch up with each of you later.  Much love & many blessings!

Hi everyone.  Thank you for the concern.  I get migraines all the time, even got them as a kid.  I was told it was due to my anemia (which is very slight), but I also have a bad neck, and I'd bet that has some bearing on it, too.  I ended up taking 3 Excedrin Migraines last night, and then I couldn't sleep because of all the caffeine in them!  LOL.  

Not much new here.  Just finalizing everything for Monday & Tuesday.  Long story short, I need to take my beloved Stratus off the road for a while.  She's my baby, and this is a difficult thing for me to do.  I bought a pick up truck on Ebay.  a 77 Chevy C-10, running a small block.  Runs & sounds great (got that great grumble to it!).  I call it the "White-trash-lesbian truck," because that's the type of person you'd expect to see behind the wheel.  I'm not too far from that descrition!  LOL.  So, Monday & Tuesday are going to be taken away by time spent at the DMV, insurance company, storage facility (for the Stratus), inspecting the truck, etc.  This is the crisis I've been mentioning lately.  It sounds so much better when I put it this way   Yes, there is more to the story, but I'd rather not say.  As some of you noticed, I am very hard on myself & even thought this is resolved now, I do still feel like a piece of shit about this & discussing it only makes me feel worse, so I'd rather leave it be.

The stress has overrun my life, though.  The house is a wreck, the kids (the bird & kitten, folks) haven't gotten the proper attention, etc.  This has really affected me in so many ways, and now I have to try to rebuild everything, put all the pieces back together.  On top of this, and worrying about Lauren's situation, I got a couple of e-mails from "Deer."  I won't get into it, I told her what I needed to say & we are just continuing on our separate paths.  I just don't need any more drama than I already have in my life.  Work has been crazy, too.  Busy & all my co-workers have SOMETHING to talk about...It seems like something major is going on with everyone I know (people buying houses, problems with kids and schools, family health issues, career changes, me & my truck, the list goes on & on...) *Deep breath*  Well, enough of that.

I have so much that I need to do, to get my life back in order.  I can't wait for these next couple of weeks to be over & to have a bit of normalcy restored to my life.  Even if it is in a big, electric blue red-neck lesbian truck!

I have a migraine....I'm gonna go take some meds & maybe lay down or something.  I'll check everyone's site when  I get home from work tomorrow.  Nite!