Akhenaten looks great!  She's doing very well.  She was up & purring & just looking cute as ever.  Thank Goddess!   She's doing fantastic.  She comes home tomorrow!  Yay! 

Surgery went well.  She was a little light, so Doreen kept her on the high end of maintenance for anesthesia, but that's fine...I'd do the same for any other client, so that's no biggie.  Turns out her patella & condyle were both bery wide & flat (not the way they should be shaped....Slightly mis-shapen from birth), so Dr. Bitetto had to deepen the groovs of the condyle & then he actually shaved off the edges of the patella to help ensure stabilization.  He also manipulated the muscles & tendons to help keep everything in place, as well.  Akh is awake, she's at the hospital.  She was on IV fluids, but I got a call about 1/2 hour ago saying that she pulled at her line.  So, her catheter was capped & they put an e-collar on her (she was going after her surgical site, too).  She's recovering, got her pain meds, etc.  She'll be fine.  Mommy is still recovering   I was a wreck all day...I fought back the tears just driving to work.  All day my stomach went from feeling hungry to feeling naseaous.  Bitetto didn't get in until almost 3....I was DIEING, but everything was fine.  I'm slowly getting better myself   I'm actually hungry now   I was possibly gonna meet up with Pam & Debra again for dinner, and I've been calling for about an hour & I just keep getting Pam's voice mail.  So, I'm gonna stop calling...I left her 2 messages, so I'll just see....If I don't hear from her soon, though, I'm gonna have to eat.  But, that's besides point.  Thank you all for the well wishes & prayers, I greatly, greatly appreciate it.  It means a lot.  Thank you all very much.  I hope all have a great night.  Take care & blessed be!

Wild night with Pam & Debra...I'll have to explain later    Remind me to tell you about the guy on the LIRR on our way back....FUNNY story! 

In the meanwhile, Akh's first knee surgery is less than 12 hours away (thereabouts...We never know when the orthopedist will actually get in)....Please send her lots of love, support, positive healing energy, etc.  Thanks, it means a lot to us both.  I'll let you all know how the surgery goes.  Good night!

Today, I'm getting philosophical    I've been trying to understand how the American society has gotten to where it is right now (in my opinion, not a high point).  Here's my take on things, although I would love to hear other opinions....

My belief is that it started in the civil war.  Hear me out, there's more to this than you think.  From a technological standpoint, the civil war changed everything.  Ocean warfare changed drastically in this time.  Trench warfare was implemented for the first time during the Civil War.  Up until this point in American history, war had always been glorified (it was considered a glorious & honorable thing to take part in).  The Civil War was so brutal and bloody that it changed that perspective.  As W. T. Sherman (a Civil War general) said, "War is hell."  The Civil War also changed things socially.  Not just in the salve/free category.  But now is the time where you really start to see each state creating its own subculture.  I'm sure the subcultures were there before, but not as pronounced.  Each state had a blatant accent & way of life, and acknowledging those various ways of life was a big step.  As well as the little known fact that the civil war was, in essence, the beginning of women's lib.  Women spied for both sides (and were extremely efficient & successful at it, in fact, they often made better spies & informants than males), as well as disguising themselves as men and actually fighting in the war (we'll get back to this point in a minute), nursing the soldiers, cooking for the soldiers, and more "traditional female roles" for that era.  There is a rumor that over 400 women disguised themselves as men & fought in the war, this cannot be proved or disproved.  We know women did fight (one of the women who was discovered was the one who came up with that number), one even asked for pension after the war!  So, we do know that women soldiers existed, we just do not know how many.  The fact that women did this, were discovered & the one blatantly asked for money is a HUGE ordeal for those days.  It shows women taking initiative, and working side by side with men, and it was not a negative atmosphere.  When a woman was found out, it was shocking, she was discharged, what have you...But there were no penalties or any real ramifications socially for this "odd behavior."  That is a huge step towards today's society.  The American culture was very changed, in multiple ways, post-Civil War.

Jump ahead a few years...The 1920's.  This was a HUGE revolution for women.  It was considered sexy for women to wear their hair short, like men.  Women were dancing...Socially the tradition role of the woman pretty much faded away at this point.  Do I even need to mention the right to vote?  Women were living it up & it was socially acceptable.  Jazz, traditionally considered a black (African-heritage) form of music, was the most popular type of music for this era & paved the way for music like bing band swing.  For the American society to truly embrace women & blacks in this time, is a sign of the forward thinking & movement.

The '30's brought a depression that hurt this country in ways it had never been hurt before.  Everyone, no matter class, race, etc.....EVERYONE was affected economically, as well as socially.  It was a dark time for all, not just one race or gender.

The 1940's brought World War II.  This was another HUGE leap in American society.  ALL men were out there, fighting...Again, race was not a factor.  Women were working in factories & mills.  My own grandmother working for Boeing!  Everyone had a role to play, and it was socially accepted, and even celebrated (Think Rosie the Riveter).  The war also brough much needed economic prosperity.

1950's....Donna Reed    I don't know much about this time, and I am unaware of any major events that changed us politically/socially.  If I am not mistaken, African-Americans gained the right to vote in the '60's.

the 1960's were one hell of a decade.  Riots, anti-war protests, hippies, the Beatles.  I don't think ANY country has seen as much change in such a short period of time as we did in the 1960's.  From the bit that I have studied of this era, I can only say it was an extremely turbulent time....Our society changed vastly.  I cannot put my finger on how it happened or why it happened the way it did, but the 1960's were an unbelievable time in US history.

The 1970's and 1980's (in my opinion) were the decades for the hippies to grow up & become parents.  (Although, I think Nixon's resignation had a HUGE impact on us socially....We have never viewed a president like we did prior to Nixon.  Coincidence?  I think not).  Now, here is where we see people (hippies) who are all about free love & happiness, connecting with the Earth, etc, turn into responsible parents.  I, personally, grew up in a rather restrictive home....We were only allowed to watch certain shows, say certain things, etc.  I cannot speak for everyone, so I won't, but from my experience, those very free hippies didn't let their kids grow up very free.  There is supposedly a lot of anger in my generation, and again, from my experience, I 'd have to agree with that.  I am not an angry person, but I do listen to angry music (Rammstein, Linkin Park, and Eminem <Wincing as I admit to that one...I don't linke him as a person, but musically, I think he's very good>).  My anger stems from my abusive childhood.  Well, that makes sense.  But I don't blame the world for my father's actions.  Ok, so my generation is kinda fucked up...Anger, a lot of learning disabilities (Can we say connection to mom & dad's drug use?!) and other mental instabilities, and so on.  Now, we're starting to get up there.  Many of us are procreating....And what the hell have we done to our children?  Because our parents were so strict, we're trying to do the opposite?  Freedom is one thing, but dressing a 5 year old like Britney Spears, or considering a TV in the car good parenting are a horse of a totally different color.  This is another place I get confdused.  Again, the "anger" of generation-x I can understand.  But where did all this lucid, sexual, mind-less, superficial thinking come from?  What are we teaching our children?  My generation had to grow up pretty fast (well, I did, anyway), but dressing kids up in next to nothing?!  They don't need to grow up THAT fast.  I don't understand where that came from & I do not like it at all.  We are reversing the strides made in the late 19th, early 20th centuries for women.  I don't get it...Weomen are more viewed as objects or pieces of meat than ever before.  What?!  Why?!  I am all for freedom, openness, acceptance of new cultures & lifestyles...but there is no culture in dressing your daughter like a hussy!  We are in a downward spiral & something needs to change.  Granted, some of the events I mentioned earlier through our society for a loop, and there were often violent dues paid for some of those changes, and I think that was the beginning of this end.  The lack of tolerance, for say, the black community, was huge & created a LOT of issues that have surfaced numerous times throughout our country's history.  Yes, violence is common nowadays, too.  How did we go from fighting for social rights to just fighting?  That is what I do not understand.  But, I want to change it.  I want the sex & violence to go.  I want to see our children grow up in a warm, loving environment that teaches them that sex is special, not just watching some girl grind up against a pole, or just watching someone walk down the street in next to nothing & they're your dentist!  I want children to understand that violence is not the way to solve problems.  So many people struggled & fought for so long, and even if they did get the rights they deserve, was it really worth LIVES?  We are EXTREMELY fortunate to live in the country we do....We really want for nothing.  Comparitive to so many people in so many countries out there....Our poorest is still richer than most in say, Ethiopia.  We need to appreciate what we have & to appreciate each other as well.  America is often (or at least it used to be) viewed as a role model....innumerable countries use or products, say our catch-phrases, follow our lead.  So, why not give other countries something to aspire to?  Why not show them the Utopia America was meant to be (I know Utopia is unobtainable, but you know what I mean here)?  These are just my thoughts & opinions...Sorry to have ranted like that    I hope you all have a wonderful evening & remember how fortunate you really are.  Take care & blessed be. 

First off, I really have to thank everyone for your very kind words...I'm trying not to cry right now   Thank you all so much, that means more to me than you'll ever know.  You are all such great blessings to me & I really appreciate having each of you in my life, even if it is only through xanga.  A million thanks to each of you.

Sairen, my name is Lauren & I pretty much look like the little pictures I have up on the side    If I ever get my pics back from Stephen, I'll put up a real pic of myself

The day started off great today.  It was so sunny & warm.  I was actually able to open my sunroof!  And I was blasting the Stones in my car as I drove all day (and yes, I love to dance & sing along in my car.  So, if you ever see a crazy woman in a blue stratus dancing in her car to the Rolling Stones, it's me!)   And after reading those posts, it's ending on an even better note.  Thank you so very much.  Much love & many blessings to all of you!

Well, I'm home again today...Voice keeps coming & going...I'm blowing my nose like there's no tomorrow & I figured that that combination would not appeal to the clients.  Jakie did NOT seem happy, but would he rather me out for 2 days or the entire staff out for a week?  Hmmmm....That's a toughie!

So, I'm going to write about something that has plagued me my entire life.  Robin & I have touched on this subject a bit, but I don't think I've ever really let it out fully before.  Please, though, understand I'm not looking for sympathy.  This is just me expressing my throughts and feelings on this subject.  It's not a pity party, I'm just trying to release some demons.  That being said, let's get to the subject at hand....

I've always felt like I have no talents.  Robin & I have talked about being born with just that one great gift, but neither of us feel we have that (although she is RIDICULOUSLY smart...graduated Cum Laude under grad, had 4.0 GPA for her masters & then went to vet school....WAY too smart!).  See, my brother, Bryan, is EXTREMELY talented.  He's always wanted to be an actor, and as some of you know, that is what he is doing.  He's also VERY artistic....He can draw VERY well.  He can sing as well, and is very coordinated.  I always thought writing was my gift, but he writes extremely well, too.  He never studied dance, but he can dance.  He's the type that can do anything on the first try.  He's good looking, and his IQ is higher than mine.  And, of course, he's the older brother.  So, I kind of lived in his shadow.  But add on to living in that shadow, the neuromuscular disease with balance, depth perception, spatial relation & coordinational problems, tone deafness, a learning disability, and not being very attractive & you have me.  It was difficult enough overcoming those coordinational & neurologic problems, but trying to find MY talent, trying to prove myself in some way comparitive to Bryan was nearly impossible.  I worked my ass off horseback riding & dancing, and he still kicked my ass without even trying.  Even though I was born tone deaf, I took voice lessons & I can carry a tune, but Bryan can hear something on the radio & play it pretty damn close on my grandparents' piano, as well as sing.  I can't draw...Flat out...Not even gonna try...I did & it was pathetic!   That's ok, though.  But everything else, he just excelled at, and I was kind of left behind.  And as much as I love academics & studying, my learning disability does continue to hinder me to some degree.  Bryan, again...VERY smart.  And my mom likes to remind me of his very high IQ every once in a while, which REALLY helps my self-esteem!  Now, mind you, I have the best grandparents in the world.  They are EXTREMELY supportive, my grandmother thinks I'm a genius & they love me unconditionally.  They have been rooting for me all my life, for which I cannot thank them enough.  But, as a child, I wanted to find my own nitche, and never could because Bryan could do everything I did & better.  There was also my father in the background reminding me that I was nothing but a piece of shit because I was a girl & I was stupid & ugly & talent-less, etc.  All the more reason for me to push myself & try to prove myself in some way.  Never could, still haven't.  Granted, I LOVE my job & I am good at it, but it's not rocket science....You do not have to be a genius to do this work & I have worked with some people that can prove that.  It just makes this all the more difficult.  Even though I feel as if I have found my "calling" - my purpose in life, it's still not a natural born talent.  There is nothing I can call my own, in terms of a gift.  And it hurts.  It hurts in the way that I want to be appreciated & respected like Bryan is.  If it were not for my grandparents, I would not have received any praise or encouragement in my childhood.  My mother is not a monster, please don't get me wrong.  But she LOVES Bryan.  They are very similar in personality & he is talented.  He is her first born & he didn't have the problems I had/have physically or mentally (I am a slightly disturbed child coming from that household).  My mother doesn't understands me, nor does she put in any effort to try to.  However, I am VERY happy with who I have become & where I am going in life (intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, etc.).  But, I still feel like I lack in something.  A cook I am not; creative or crafty, I am not.  I don't have one thing I can point to and say, that is mine, that is what I know & do & am good at.  It's just difficult, is all.  Bryan aside, I would like to have SOME kind of talent, something I can be proud of.  Maybe brag about a little, but I don't.  I believe we are all here to teach & learn from each other.  And I have learned much from the people & animals in my life (yes, I believe that animals are teachers, too), but I don't feel I have anything to teach, to give back.  Perserverance?  Is that a gift?  Are stupid determination & stubbornness talents?  Is that all I have to offer?  That's not much.  That's just my Aries rising (or my Puerto Rican temper/stubbornness) talking.  That's not anything exceptional.  It's just there, just in me.  A refusal to give up, and also a refusal to complain because there are so many people who have it worse & they REALLY don't give up.  THEY are true heroes.  And I'm not even one of them!  LOL.....It just feel like I'm stuck in limbo....no talent, and no sob story that'll make you cry, and/or inspirire you to find your power within.  Am I getting my point across?  Again, I'm not complaing...I am WAY too fortunate to complain.  I have no reason to.  I just look at myself & wonder what the hell do I have to offer?  What can I give to the world?  It seems like nothing.  And that bothers me...I want to be able to GIVE before I leave this world.  I want to know that somehow or another, I gave something to someone.  I helped someone, I taught someone, I gave something positive to at least one person out there.  This is not a selfish thing like, "Oh, I wish I could sing better so I could make lots of money."  This is, "I wish I had a talent I could teach someone, or share with them."  If you want to use singing as an example, I wish I could teach people how to sing, or serenade someone, or create beautiful music with someone that we could share & up-lift others with.  That is what I am looking for.  And I've been looking all my life.  Still haven't found that one thing....

No, I'm not depressed   This has just been my reality.  I accept it, and will do the best that I can with it.  I just wish I had more to give.

PS....I decided on Namid.  I went to another Witch store this afternoon, to tell them about Beltane (this was the place I went to with Mom & Dick on Sunday).  I looked around more thoroughly (of course!) & I bought a book and a silvery-grey Dream Catcher.  It hit me right when I saw the Dream Catcher.  The name kind of spoke to me at first, but I wanted to be sure.  After tonight, I am certain.  Thank you, everyone, for your input & openness about this, I really appreciate it.  It really means a lot to me.  And with that, I am off to bed, to see if I'm going to go to work in the am (I keep getting these horrible sinus-pressure headaches which make me want to curl up & die rather than go to work ).  Good night, all!  Blessed be!

Welp, I stayed home today...I felt like shit @ work last night & even though I'm feeling better this am (like I did yesteday), I'm not risking it.  Plus, I don't want to give this to any of my co-workers....it sucks & that would be rude   Somethings are best NOT to share    Not a good way to get an "In" at the new job, ya know?    So, I'll be headed back to bed in a bit. 

I found out at work last night that we put a dog named "Magic" Flynn to sleep last week.   This dog was in renal failure.  He had contracted leptospirosis, which is a virus carried in the urine of wildlife" possums, raccoons, squirrels, etc.  If a dog drinks the urine, or steps in it & then licks his paw, he contracts the disease.  It causes acute liver & kidney failure.  It is treatable, but it leaves permanent liver & kidney damage.  It is also possible for humans to get it from their infected pets.  So, Magic DID have lepto, he was treated & then was ok.  But for the last 6 weeks that I knew of, his kidneys were failing.  We had him in & out of the hospital for fluid treatments, meds, blood re-checks, etc.  They also began to see an herbalist to work in conjunction with our treatments.  I just kept getting them in my room when I would do appointments, so it kind of became my case.  We knew it was a matter of time, but I had NO idea that they put him to sleep.  I saw his family last night & asked how he was & they told me they were there to pick up his cremains!  I felt like such an ass, but I did offer my deepest sympathy.  There were very sweet people & they loved Magic so very much.  They gave us beautiful flowers & wrote an unbelievable card to Robin....I had to hold back the tears, unbelievable.  I'm glad that he's gone because he WAS suffering, and it was painful.  At least I know he's comfortable now, but it is hard & I feel horrible for the family, I really do.  This is one of the hardest parts of the job....getting so close & attatched with clients, that their loss becomes yours as well.  It's a part of life, I know that.  And again, I'm happy his suffering is over.  You do miss them, though....

Then we have good ol' Mr. Babitch.  Supposedly a lawyer in the city, but he lost his job.  This was the creep I was trying to call the ASPCA on back in Oct/Nov.  Now, apparently he's homless & in a psych ward of a local hospital.  He has a bunch of cats that he feeds & he lets breed all over the place with at least one FIV + cat, which means that FIV is spreading like wildfire.  He was in this week with one of his dogs that got attacked by another dog.  This is the second time this has happened in about 2 months or so.  The little dog was in such bad shape, he was really shocky.  We kept checkin' on him to make sure he was alive.  Then yesterday morning, the ass takes his dog home, when the dog still was not stable.  There have been rumors everywhere, everyone is talking...We tried to get him to relinquish ownership of the dog, but he wouldn't.  We all want to beat the living crap out of this man & take these animals away from him.  Scary & frustrating at the same time.

*******************************************************************

Random thoughts of the day...

1) A male client at work yesterday asked if castration (neutering) a pet could be reversed.  Just sit back & contemplate that one for a while   ..... 

2) I'm trying desperately to spoil Akh.  I just bught her a bunch of toys, a windowsill perch, etc.  She's afraid of the perch, although she is playing with the box it came in right now.  Ya know how they say that their favorite toys are the freebies?  Well hers really is.  No, not a tinfoil ball.  Her favorite toy is the one free thing that ALL animals have....Tail!  Her favorite toy is her tail!  That's right ladies & gentlemen, my kitten chases her tail.  She chases it, pounces on it, bites it, etc.  LOL...Very comical to watch.  If you're feeling down, just imagine a kitten attacking her own tail, it will definetly perk up your day! 

The antibiotics are definetly helping, I'm not 100%, but on the way there 

Here are some links for the Beltane Festival & a petition to protest Bush's illegalization of same-sex marriages (Thanks to GoddessMoonWillow for that one!)

Beltane@yahoo.com   or  http://www.Beltane@yahoo.com

And

http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/millionformarriage/advocacy/buttercup775-139100

Today, my prayer is for balance, equilibrium.  To be centered, and intuitive.  To be so centered & focused, to be able to be quiet mentally, to be able to TRULY meditate & find answers within myself.  To be stable.  To obtain answers through meditation & prophetic dreams.  I've been asking for prophetic dreams a lot lately & I did have one.  And I know that in order to gain the understanding & answers I need, I need to be grounded, balanced & I need to quiet myself & REALLY meditate.  That I may have my Yin & Yang back, to be in perfect harmony & balance as is with the rest of nature.  I'll be doing some work on this when I get home from work tonight, and I ask that you please send out some good, positive, supportive energy for me in this persuit, this is a very difficult thing for me to do.  I need all the help I can get    The new Goddess moonstone necklace is definetly helping, but I also need to find that within myself.  Thank you.  Take care all, blessed be!

Ok, some things definetly need to be clarified   

First off, Heather...picking a Wiccan name is a choice.  Many Wiccans do not choose names.  It's just that I'm at a point in my life where I am happy with who I've become, but the stigma & pain attatched to my birth name bother me, so in a way, I'm finding a name to suit the "new" me....Just as, if I go to vet school, I'm changing my last name to Kane.  That's my grandfather's name.  I will gladly be Dr. Kane, but certainly not Dr. Cuprill....my father's name does not deserve the title of Dr. in front of it (that came off sounding really harsh, which was not my intention.  But, you get my point, right?)  My point is, it is an individual decision.  Does any of this make sense or do I sound like a rambling idiot as always? 

Secondly...Thanks to all of you for the herbal medicine advice, all of which I am well aware.  I cannot take garlic, and the others (i.e., Vit C, Ecanacea) are more of a maintenance....should be taken on a more regular basis....I'm just starting to get into taking vitamins & suppliments every day ( I know, I know....I should have been taking them for a while.  Ya gotta start sometime, right?   )  As for the antibiotics...They weren't stolen.  I use that term way too much    I took them from work, and I will pay for them when I pay for my bag of litter that came in yesterday.  I'll probably pay for that when I pay the orthopedist for Akh's knee surgery next week.  I certainly don't advocate stealing....If I borrow a pen from someone, I ask them if I can steal it for a moment :)  Sorry....as I said, I use the term "stealing" way too much 

Well, I need to get going to make & hand-out flyers to the local Witch stores for Beltane.  And thank you all, I am feeling a bit better....I have my good moments & bad moments, but this too shall pass    Take care all, I will check in on you later