Hello world.  This is just a quickie....I'd ask that you still look at my last entry, as I am looking for any advice I can get....need to meditate further on it, but as I said before, feedback is always helpful.

So, my Witches meeting rocked.  There was only 4 of us, but we had a great time & discussed a lot if things.  It was great building some kind of community....We all agreed it's easy to feel disconnected since Witches kind of need to hide....we're not out in large numbers & most people look at us like we have 3 heads when we tell them.  So, it was nice to reconnect.  We're shooting for next month on the 24th....Dave & Buster's in Islandia....Any & all are welcome....Fellow LI-ers, if you want to come, just e-mail me & I'll send you the details.  For those of you smart enough to NOT live on LI, if you go to meetup.com, you can find your local Witches meet-up....They have them for pretty much every group, so check it out.

I went to a Witch store today & bought a necklace with the Goddess symbol (the moons), with a moonstone in it for balance & harmony & grounding...Thanks Shan!  Hope this works....Although I put it on, went to this meeting & feel centered already, so it must be working! 

I'm sick....It just hit out of nowhere last night, and I'm pretty much full-blown....was slightly febrile earlier.  I'll be fine, stole some antibiotics from work.  I HATE doing that, I believe in letting my body fight it off, but I really can't afford to get sick right now.  I just have too much & I cannot have my health compromised.  Normally, I'd let my immune system take care of it & then have the natural immunity, but unfortunately, this time doesn't lend itself to that.    Oh well. 

I am pooped!  In fact, I'm gonna go take my meds & go to bed early...sleep is always good for an ill body.  Take care all, don't get my germs through the computer    Have a great night.  I'll talk to you later.  Much love & many blessings to you all.  And don't forget to read yesterday's post! 

So, I'm trying to decide on my Wiccan name.  I had always kind of gone with Cahira, which is Celtic/Gaelic for Warrior.  I had given that name to my puppy (who I no longer have), and I really liked the name.  But, to be perfectly honest, it didn't feel "right."  So, I decided to look up names & see what I found.  It took me a while, but I found some Egyptian & native names that I really like (Celtic just didn't seem to fit).  So here are some names with meanings & origins (if known).  Let me know what you think.  I plan on meditating on this as well, but feedback is always good, too 

Aiyana - native - Forever blossoming

Akila - Egyptian - Intelligent

Ankti - Hopi - Repeat dance

Chenoa - native - Dove

Huyana - Miwok - Falling Rain

Kawika - Egyptian - Black

Masika - Egyptian - Born during rain (which I was)

Namid - Cheyenne - Star Dancer 

Naunet - Egyptian - goddess of the ocean

Orenda - Iroquois - Magic Power

Talibah - Egyptian - Seeks knowledge

Sigh.....Got home a little while ago.  Akh is being cute as ever.  I'm still feeling pretty shitty.  On my drive to my mom's house this am, I really tried focusing on honoring myself since I'm in my moon.  A way to honor myself, Goddess & all of womanhood.  I said to myself, "It's kinda hard to honor yourself when you feel this bad!"  But, I was going to try.  I was playing Loreena McKennitt, too, which helped.  Well, wouldn't ya know it, just a few minutes later, I came across a fellow Wiccan driving (he had Wiccan bumper stickers...Very cool!), my mom, Dick & I went into a pagan store (even though my mom & Dick had no clue that's what it was.  I took a business card & got some stuff....I always love new pagan stores!), AND I told my mom a bit about Yule....We were having a big religion discussion due to "The Passion Of The Christ."  When my mom heard that Jesus' real birthday was probably April 17 6 bc, she was kinda confused & wondered why we would then celebrate Christmas when we do.  I told her about Yule & how other religions based their holidays around then & how the Christians made up for it with Easter.  I'm sure she wondered how/why I knew that, but then I impressed her with knowing a few answers for Super-Millionaire (easy questions, mind you), so I'm sure she thought it was just another random, bizarre fact I knew.  It's easy to chalk it up to that with me.

I just hate pretending to be something I'm not, or not fully "come-out" with stuff because of my mom.  Part of it is judgement, part of it, I think, is an inability to understand personal evolution & growth.  Knowing her & thinking back to some of our old conversations, I can easily picture her not understanding my jump from born-again Christian to Wiccan.  Kinda crazy, I know, but there is a story behind it & once I tell most people, they get it.  I love my mother to death & I'm not insulting her here, but I don't think she'd get it.  Not that she's stupid, but that is a very foreign concept to her, and I think the inability to relate is what would hold her back.    For now, I shall remain the "odd/bad" child.  Not a title I'm thrilled with, but I'll take what I can get   Until my mother can stop beating herself up about my dad & admit that it happened, this is how things will stay.  I told her I don't blame her, but she continues to blame herself & therefore finds it easier to deny that anything happened.  If it didn't happen, it's not her fault.  It's tough, I know.  I would LOVE for her to accept & admit what happened, but I don't want to hurt her.  I just wish she wouldn't hold herself accountable, there's no reason to.  It was HIS actions.  He was certainly old enough to know what he was doing & to take responsibility for himself.  It's HIS sickness, not hers.  I can say that until I'm blue in the face, she is the one who has to free herself from her own blame & guilt.  It's a shame, it really is.  After all these years, that prick bastard still has power over her & I.  Over her in that she's blaming herself, something that he would drill into her....That's his kind of thinking.  Me:  See that last post.  Any low self-esteem issues have roots in my father's verbal & sexual abuse.  It kills me.  I don't want him to rule over my life like that, I don't want to let him win.  I'm trying to fight back, to regain my life from him.  Bit by bit, step by step, I'm getting there.  But that's another rant all together    I'm off to bed....I am EXHAUSTED....haven't been getting much sleep past few days.  Have a great night, world.  Take care & blessed be!

I wasn't going to write...I'm exhausted & I really need to get to bed.  I got my period today & feel like shit, my body needs to rest.  Stephen sent over 2 pics.  One he fucked around with...Creepy!  He put an eye over my nipple: VERY strange.  I guess he was just playing, seeing what he could do.  The second is a straight on shot of the chest/torso piece.  I look so goddamn fat!    I am so sick right now: I'm disgusted at myself.  I feel so low.  I purposely didn't eat, I've been working out, I've been watching what I eat, all to avoid this & all for nothing.  It doesn't help that I feel like a balloon b/c of my period, but I wasn't even retaining water when we shot these.  I feel so horrible....Any hope/growing self-esteem that maybe I was starting to get thin & look good: GONE.  I'll write about my day & dinner with Pam tomorrow.  Right now I really gotta go to sleep. 

This is a kind of credo, if you will.  My beliefs & what I stand for.

I am a Witch.  I believe in a Goddess and a God, that there cannot be creation without male AND female.  I believe that life came from the sea, and sprawled onto the Earth and the sky.  I believe in evolution.  I believe that we as humans, need to get re-in-tuned with the Earth.  I believe that the "spawling" American society is killing our naturtal resources and is haurting the Earth in unnecessary ways.  I believe that the Earth can provide us with all of our basic needs.  Along those lines, I believe in herbal medicine, as well as chemical medicine.  When used in combination, you get the strongest effects, and a reduction in the side-effects.  I believe in loving and respecting all forms of life.  They are all just as sacred, and vital to the life cycle.  I believe that all life forms are connected, and that we are all teachers, students and guides for each other.  It does not matter what form the soul has taken on, we can all learn from each other and help each other.  I believe in loving people for who they are, not their appearance.  I believe that judging other people is wrong.  You do not always know another person's thought process or circumstance, they are trying to the best they can with the tools they have and what they know.  I also believe that each person is entitled to their own thoughts, opinions and beliefs, and that all beliefs should be respected and treated equally.  Opinions and beliefs are never wrong, they just are.  And for that, they should be respected.  Along that same line of thought, I do not believe that one "religion" or belief system is right over another.  I think that there are many different paths to divinity, and that we as humans do not have the full capacity to truly understand divinity, the after-life, etc.  I think we can allk learn something from all religions.  I believe that in religious debate we often mistakenly switch the words believe and know.  They are 2 very different words.  As strong as a belief might be, one does not necessarily know.  That needs to be remembered.  I believe in a good, solid hand-shake.  I believe in keeping my word.  I follow the motto, "Death Before Dishonor" to the best of my ability each and every day.  I believe in Karma, that what you put out comes back to you.  I believe in energies and forces.  I do not believe in evil, but I believe that energies or people can be incorrect for each other.  My father was incorrect for me, but he was in my life, and had an impact on it, and now I must take that, heal that, and grow from that.  I believe that one should never stop growing or learning or challenging themself in every facet of life (physically, emotionally, intellectually, artistically, philosophically, etc.).  I believe there is so much more to life than getting caught up in petty arguements, or trends.  I believe in being yourself, an individual, making a statement with your life.  I believe that tattoos are good form of such self-expression, and that tattooed people should not be judged by the artwork they have chosen to display on their bodies.  I believe in a Yin and a Yang, a male and a female in all life forms, even people.  Each person has a masculine and a feminine side.  Sometimes one side is more developed than the other, but I believe they both exist within each of us.  I believe the internet is a great tool, but it is not a way of life.  I believe that modern technology has actually hurt the human race.  In modern times, a house that is 50 years old constantly needs work, yet the Ancient Egyptians with less "technology" were able to build structures and statues that have lasted millenia.  I believe this computer-and-convinience-driven society is a major factor in the problem with obesity in the American society.  I believe that people need to take responsibility for their actions, that includes sitting in front of the computer, eating poorly and not exercising.  I believe that all people are equal, that all strong points and weak points balance out and help to create the beautiful tapestry that is the human race.  I do not believe that one skin tone is better or superior than another, it is simply pigment.  If a calico cat is not better than a tabby, how is one human skin color better than another?  I believe in the military.  Not that people should be attacking each other, but in the honor, discipline and responsibility that comes with such work.  I believe in pacifissism.  I believe in respect.  I believe in love.  I believe in the beauty of all life forms, even the amoeba.  I believe that negativity stems from ignorance and insecurity.  I believe in appreciating everything I have, in truly recognizing just how blessed I really am.  I believe everything is cyclical, from the phases of the moon to the wheel of the year to our lives, everything is a cycle.  I believe that moon has power over us.  It is the only thing strong enough to have power over the sea: the moon commands/dictates the ebb and flow, no other force is powerful enough to control the sea like that.  It makes sense that such a strong force would have an effect on us.  I believe in balance and harmony, in every aspect of life, in all that we do and all that is around us.  I believe in hope an optimissim, in making people laugh.  Laughter truly is the best medicine, and hope is the only way to accomplish our wildest dreams.  I do not believe in holding back anything.  I believe in trying new things constantly.  I believe in living my own life, and letting others live theirs.  I believe this credo will never be finished, as I grow, so will it. 

Well, Mechanic Lauren should be renamed "Dumbass" Lauren.  On my way to work, the engine light came on.  I freaked.  Got to work, opened the hood, checked my dipstik (I was going over everything I could on my way over to try & "diagnose" the problem), DRY.  So, after work, I pour in 4 quarts of oil.  I screwed the cap on, and I thought it was tight enough.  Keep this in mind.  I continue to drive.  Light is STILL on.  Tranny is doing better, but not 100%, too.  Keep that in mind.  I drove back to the Smithaven mall b/c one earring from one of the pairs broke as soon as I put it on, so I needed to replace it.  I decide to stop at my old mechanic in Smithtown (now at least 1/2 hour from where I live).  They're busy, but they need to see the car.  Ok.  Go to the mall, replace the earrings, talk to Lauren on the phone for a little while.  Go back to the mechanic.  He drove the car away (I actually started to fear he stole my car), comes back, pulls it into the bay.  Pops open the hood.  From the lobby, I could hear him screaming & cursing.  Hmmmmmmmm, I wonder to myself.  Remember that oil cap I THOUGHT I placed back on?  Apparently, not tight enough, cap is GONE & there's oil ALL over my engine!  As for the tranny....Fluid is EMPTY, I'm leakin' somewhere.  Long story short, my mom had to come & get me, drive me back to Manhasset, she took my grandmother's car (thank god she's in Fla.), and now I'm driving my mom's god-awful car until I know what's up with my Stratus.  May be the tranny itself, in which case it is under warranty.  If it's just a hose, that's easy.  But first, that poor guy has to clean off my entire motor because I'm the biggest ass this side of the Mississippi.  And he waited with me until my mom came, he stayed late!  This guy is so getting a big-ass tip from me. 

I should have known my day would turn sour.  I made a comment to a co-worker this morning about the waning moon & how bad shit happens then.  And this afternoon, at the end of my day, we were supposed to do orthopedic surgery on a rotti.  Well, Dr. Bitetto noticed that the right leg will need surgery too, since the dog seems to have recently torn her ACL on that leg.  Because both knees were going to require surgery (the left for today was supposed to be the same kind of surgery Akh needs), the owners can't be bothered with it & they put the dog to sleep.  To say I was pissed off is an understatement.  My day started off ok, but it sure as hell ended poorly.

Speaking of knee surgeries, Akh is scheduled for Wed. March 3 for her first knee.  Because it is so close to her original spay date, I post-poned the spay until the end of march.  So, It's 1st knee 3/3, spay 3/31.  Everyone, PLEASE send out love, support & positive energy for her.  She's tiny & I worry about her.  This was the whole reason I took her, I knew this was coming & I just want her to be ok.

As for me...Besides all this crazy shit, here's my life next couple of weeks (outside of work, that is)  Going out Friday night, dinner with Pam Saturday night.  Monday...Taxes!  Tuesday...Local Witches' Meeting ( my first one!)....Week after that, Tues 3/2 Re-touch tattoo appointment, poss. dinner w/ Pam & her gang of crazy folk, Wed. 3/3 Akh's knee surgery, poss. dinner w/ Pam & her gang of crazy folk.  Not to mention work, getting my car back, etc.  Plus, Stephen has more pics he wants to take.  <Insert loud, blood-curdeling scream here>  I prayed to Goddess & God this afternoon, I really can't take all this craziness.  This is killing me.  Plus, I need to re-open my workman's comp for the bite b/c my finger is SERIOUSLY fucked up.  As weird as this may sound, I'm almost hoping they'd amputate it.  It never feels "right" any more...I'm uncomfortable most of the time, and if you look at my pinky wrong, it hurts like hell.  So now, I have to call Workman's comp, talk to them & schedule a time with a hand Doc.  Crazy, crazy shit. 

It's 10:30.  Jesus christ!  I have to go handwash some clothes, just enough to get me through till Sunday, but it's one more thing I have to do b/c I couldn't get my laundry done today.  Goddamnit!  Man, I am exhausted, too.  This whole "living like an insane person" really wears ya out, ya know?  Oh, the worst part about all this?  My Loreena cd's are in MY car!    Damn.  Oh well.  Ok, world, I REALLY need to do that laundry before I just fall asleep right here.  Goodnight, hope everyone else's day was better!  Take it easy, blessed be, all!

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Addendum, Thurs. 9:30 am:

My car is ready!  Just a loose hose!  He did a tranny flush, gave me new wiperblades & the care is like new!  I'm leaving now so my mom & I can go pick it up!  Wohoo! 

Hello Xanga-world.  I had a great day today, surprisingly enough    Work was ok...Nothing too exciting in terms of cases.  Although, Gini pulled me aside regarding the bullshit that happened last Wednesday.  I was TRYING to avoid that, but it ended up being a REALLY good conversation & she told me that I had really proven myself, that everyone liked me, that I had a great work ethic & that I wasn't going anywhere.  Wohoo!  I like this place so much, I've been so afraid I'd get fired.  The last job I loved this much fired me (the only job I was ever fired from, every other I quit).  So, to hear that a job I love loves me too is a great feeling. 

I got the OTHER headlight bulb replaced today.  They were great, they just did it right then & there even though they were SWAMPED.  It was cool.   I bought tranny fluid, too.  Tranny's been acting funny & I was sure it was my fluid.  Diagnostitician that I am, found that my level was low & my current tranny fluid was brown (it should be a pinkish-red).  Go me!  Plus my hands are all dirty from playing with my motor.  I LOVE that!  Makes me feel like a mechanic!    And, in an odd way, I find it rather sexy 

I went to the Smithaven mall to get some earrings.  Got 2 pair & bought some cd's.  I got another Pink CD.  Damn is she hot!  LOL.  I also got 2 Loreena McKennitt Cd's.  I had these, one I leant to Pam & never got back, the other fell into the black-hole-vortex that is my apartment    But, it is SO great to hear them again.  Totally putting me in a witchy mood!  It's so peaceful & beautiful.  I first heard of her when I was dancing, now as a witch, I've encountered many Wiccans who like her, too.  It brings back dance memories, as well as Wiccan emotions/thoughts.  She is awesome!  I recommend her music to everyone! 

I saw Lynn today.  She's going to darken the right side of my chest/torso piece (it's significantly lighter than the left), so I'm calling her tomorrow to schedule that sitting.  She pulled me into the bathroom to tell me about Stephen.  I told her I saw him & that he told me he was gone, that was all I said.  She gave me reasons other than what he told me as to why/how this happened.  VERY strange.  I feel more torn in this than I did when my parents divorced.  I love both Lynn & stephen so much, this is very hard.  I don't know who to believe.  Do I have to pick sides?  They both know I have a strong relationship with the other.  I just feel odd mentioning the other person to each of them.  This really sucks.  They both said it was done on good terms, but I don't necessarily buy that, I feel a lot of pain from both of them.  That is what pains me.

Stephen e-mailed me (We've actually e-mailed & talked on the phone several times since yesterday.  Things seem back to normal with us) today.  He wants to do more black & white shots...These with swan wings!  I think that'll be gorgeous.  We're waiting for the first ones to develop, then we'll take it from there.  I would REALLY like to do that, I think it'll come out so beautifully.  I'll let you know if/when we do it. 

I got an e-mail today that there's a local Witch meeting next Tuesday.  I REALLY want to go, but as of right now, I wouldn't be able to because of work.  I'm going to try to take the day off.  I'm getting work done on the car that morning & a Witch's meeting would just rock.  So, tomorrow, I'm going to ask for the day off.  I hope I can get it, it would be so great to meet local, fellow Wiccans.  Keepin' my fingers crossed for that one.

Hmmmm...I think that's it.  Actually, looking at the time, that has to be it.  I still have to stretch & do my ab work, as well as shower.  Goodnight, everyone.  Sleep well & stay warm!  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Hey all!  Photoshoot went great today.  Stephen & I talked for a couple of hours & the pictures took quite a while.  I got to his place at 11 & left after 4.  The great thing was, he kept asking me if I was ok, comfortable, etc.  He really made sure I was ok doing everything.  At one point I took a deep breath (ya know how you do that occassionally?), and he just stopped.  And with a sincerity I haven't seen in a person before, he asked if I was ok or if I wanted to stop.  I told him I was fine.  His concern made a huge difference.  We also joked A LOT during the whole thing which helped too.  Of course, there was enuendo, but it was all in jest.  He did have me lay on his bed (at that point, I started to get a little nervous), I was laying perpedicular on the bed, legs & head hanging off the sides while he climbed a ladder to get an aerial shot.  It was quite a site!    But laughing & being stupid (as we tend to be anyway), made it easier for me.  Somehow, it became ok.  Part of it was the professionalism and caring on his part, but I guess the joking put me at such ease, that it really was ok for this male friend of mine to see me like this.  It was actually rather nice.  I'm dying to see how the pictures actually came out.  It's hard to know when you're contorting yourself, holding your breath & looking in other directions!   Not sure when the film will get developed, but as soon as it does, you will know 

So, that crazy e-mail he sent me...He's no longer at the studio .  First off, I MUST give kudos to Heather.  Clearly a smarter woman than I'll ever be, she guessed that he left the shop.  He left, not due to a falling out, but for a few reasons, which I don't think I should discuss here, but none the less, that's what that was all about.  Strange, huh?

Dinner w/ Pam was post-poned until Saturday.  That's fine.  Now I can relax the rest of the night here @ home.  So, that's cool, too.

Thank you for the magick help so far.  I do open the windows when needed, but the pets can't really escape the smoke.  The layout of the apartment is not conducive for that, and even with open windows, the ventilation in here sucks, so hence my dilemma.  I try to do what I can, but it's not easy in a space like this.  Once I have my own house, I plan on having a room strictly for spell work/magick with good ventilation, etc. so I can breathe, have privacy & have all my herbs, etc. right there for me.  It'll be great (if only life were as simple as our daydreams) 

As for Deer, I know that what ever does or does not happen is meant to be.  I'd be honored if this progresses from here, but I also understand if it does not.  Everything happens for a reason, this I know.  We may not understand right away, but it will eventually reveal itself to us.

Well, I think that wraps up my day for now, although I;m sure I'll be back later    Take care, all.  Have a great night.  Blessed be!

Ok, addendum to that last entry    To my Wiccan sisters, I have some questions for you:

#1 - I tend to be REALLY off on waning moons (not acting like myself, physically not well, etc.).  I understand that the moon can have powerful effects on us & our bodies.  My question to you is, do you know of any rituals or spells I can do to hopefully break (or at least lessen) this?  Anything more than simply burning some sage?  I just do some stupid things or my digestive problems act up or I'm tired or what have you & I generally don't like "waning moon Lauren" - she's not cool, in a lot of ways    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

#2 - Spell work question.  Most of my spell work includes a lot of candle, incense, sage  & herbal burning.  That's fine, but I'd like to move on from there.  Secondly, I found out recently that all that smoke could have (I'm almost completely sure it was) caused Nyako's lung cancer.  Needless to say, there's a lot of guilt there, as well as worrying about Akh & Tobar (my kitten & bird).  Can anyone give me ideas of other things to do when casting spells?  I sometimes annoint myself with oil & I've done a few ritual baths, too.  But I really want to grow in my craft, as well as learn, and this is the best way to do it.  Any & all information is GREATLY appreciated.  Thank you all so very much.

Take care, everyone.  Sleep well.  Much love & many blessings to each & every one of you!

I'm actually at my mom's right now, we're gonna be heading out in a little bit.  I'm gonna do treatments, then my mom, Dick & I are going to have dinner, then I'm going to the wake.  I'm dressed & ready to go.  It'll be interesting trying to manuever around the hospital dressed like this 

I heard from "Deer" today.  She got the flowers & loved them, which is great.  As long as she appreciated them.  Her kids (who got a box of chocolates from me which they apprently loved) were really keeping her on her toes today, so we didn't get into a "where do we go from here" conversation.  That's fine.  I'm just happy that she's happy.

Getting kinda nervous about tomorrow.  I'm just so shy & modest & self-conscious.  I'm sure it'll be fine, but I can't help but get a little nervous & embarassed.  Although, as a photographer, Stephen has seen many other women topless & naked before.  I guess it just feels different 'cause it's me.  And maybe, too, because there was no official closure to whatever happened between us.  I don't REALLY know how he feels about me.  Tomorrow will be the first time I see him in over a month.  I'm sure it'll be just fine.  Right now, I'm just anxious & nervous & afraid it's going to be awkward & embarassing.

I should go before someone comes down & sees all this.  I love my mother to death, but she's pretty old fashioned about things (I always call her Donna Reed without the dress or the vacuum).  She still does not know that I'm Wiccan or Bi, certain things are best left unsaid with her.  She still denies what happened with my father, but that's a whole other story     So, anyhoo.  I'm off.  Hope you all have a wonderful Sunday evening.  I'll probably check in tomorrow night after the photoshoot & dinner with Pam.  Goodnight, all.  Blessed be!