First off, I need to thank Herbwytche for explaining Candlemas to me.  I'm not surprised the Christians tried to "fix" a pagan holiday.  I used to explain that to Mike.  I would tell him that modern paganism has its roots in the oldest religions in the world.  I explained Yule to him, how it was the celebration of the shoretest day of the year,  the celebration of the return of the sun.  A holiday of light, if you will.  And I pointed out the coincidences of Kwanazaa & Hanukkah also being festivals of light, as well as Christmas.  I used other examples from the wheel of the year as well.  It's kind of sad that one religion has to steal & bastardize holidays from another religion.  Whatever 

Secondly, I'd like to thank TheSparrowHeals for welcoming me to Hippiedom.  I've been a hippe for a while, now it's just official 

Thanks to ChenTaijiPrince for all the kind words.  They are greatly apprecited. 

I was thinking today about how happy I am.  How happy I am with where my life is, how I've come out on top despite all my obstacles.  I'm proud of who I am.  I also take pride in the fact that I acknowledge that I'm a work in progress.  That I desire to become a better person.  That changing & improving myself does not come from a dictation from an outside source or person, but rather an internal desire.  I know I'll never be perfect, but I know what my weak points are, and I want to improve on them.  I have come so far.  Just like wyhen I was dancing & choreographing & I would watch my piece & ask myself how could I make it better?  How could I create more interesting shapes?  How could I present a strong message through movement?  Or when I sang, how could I use my technique, breathing, crescendo or decrescendo to create a more powerful, interesting sound?  The same applies to my life.  What can I do & how can I do it to improve myself on the inside & outside.  And I'm excited about that.  Just as I would get excited when the dance piece was ready for the show, or the song was ready for recital.  From an artistic perspective, this is the excitement before the show or exhibit.  It's also the excitement of the blank canvas or pile of wet clay that is not yet molded.  I have no idea where I'm going to go, how I'm going to grow and learn.  And that is the excitement.    Even coming out to myself, accepting my bisexual nature has helped.  For years I denied that part of myself.  Now that I accept it and am starting to come out, I feel like a flower that is beginning to bloom.  I'm finally growing into the beautiful human being I was meant to be.  And that thrills me.  I told Goddess last night in my ritual to take that love & passion & desire from me.  To use this happy, excited energy that is within me to heal herself.  To restore Gaea to what she should be.  To use me, to use my energy to bring healing, health & restoration to the world.  I am so blessed, and I want to give that feeling of blessedness back.  Part of the karmic cycle.  I'm giving back what has been given to me.  To put out more love and positive energy.  The world needs it, and I have plenty of it    I am so blessed, and I want to put those same blessings out, to give to others, to bring blessings to others.  And I could not be half as blessed as I am without all my Xanga friends.  Thank you all for coming into my life & being such beautiful, warm souls.  Thank you for lighting up my days.  You are all wonderful people.  Thank you all so very much.  Blessed be!

Happy Imbolc!  I hope this beautiful holiday finds everyone well.  I'm going to do a ritual later tonight & cast off my spell-work for Sandy's dog Cleo at Orient Point.  I have to see if I have any white clothes that'll keep me warm today    It is time to thank the Earth for all she's given us, to give her back energy & nourishment as new life begins to grow.  Blessed be!

Akh is getting better.  Last night she actually slept with me & cuddled during Survivor.  This morning she's more rambunctious.  That's fine.  I'd much prefer for her to be wild during the day, so I can at least sleep at night    I scheduled her spay.  Wed., Feb 25.  Robin will be doing surgery that day & it's my surgical day, so at least I can be there for her.  Gonna try & shoot for her first knee surgery to be at the end of March, when she's 6 months.  I'm getting nervous about that.  I will keep you all informed as time draws closer.  Other than that, she's still being cute & wonderful, with a touch of obnoxious 

Survivor last night was interesting.  All the castaways are people from previous Survivors.  Everyone in his tribe wants Rudy off ASAP.  They were one of the tribes that won immunity last night (there are 3 tribes this time, so 2 won), so that didn't happen.  But, when they do lose, that will be very interesting to watch.  As for the team that did lose, I was kind of shocked.  Tina, the winner from Australia got voted off.  Now, winners Vs. non-winners aside, the whiney bitch who started that line of thinking (Jenna, I believe her name was.  She was from one of the 2 seasons I missed) should have gone.  She didn't do anything but whine & complain.  And last night has me worried for Ethan.  He's good.  He's an important person, a good asset to have.  They would be foolish to vot him off next simply because he won.  And Rupert surprised me.  I really thought he would side with Ethan & Tina.  He had his reasons, I guess.  Just not the outcome I was expecting   

Well, I guess I should go get some breakfast & get ready.  I have a bunch of stuff to do today.  That is if Akh will stop getting into things for 5 minutes & let me do what I need to do    Anyway, have a great day all.  Happy Imbolc & Blessed be!

I'm glad everyone liked that story in my last entry.  It was actually a forward my mom e-mailed to me, and I really felt I should share it.  To go along with the theme of the inherant goodness of people, I am going to use a story from my own life.

It will be 4 years in just a few days.  The first 2 weeks of February were the last days of my marriage.  My ex-husband & I had a dog, which we had gotten together.  The dog became progressively worse in his aggressive behvior.  He went from biting me once, to biting me (or trying to) a few times daily.  He bit a neighbor's child, he tried to bite & attack my co-workers, and pretty much anyone or anything that wasn't my ex.  We tried training, medications, everything I could.  The doctors at the vet hospital I worked for at the time said they would have euthanised him long before that because he was too much of a risk. 

Finally, after he bit me on the neck, near my jugular vein, I agreed.  I called my ex at work & told him I was setting up an appointment on Monday (this was a Saturday) to put the dog down.  My ex said we'd talk about it when we both got home from work later that day. 

While at work, a client who did rescue work was getting in a litter of Australian Shepheards.  I told her I'd visit her that night to look at the puppies (to replace the dog I was going to put down).

When I got home, my ex scoffed at my bite-wound.  I told him that if a dog goes for your neck or face, it means they have no fear & they will do it again.  I told him I wasn't going to live like this.  He looked at me with horror and anger and sadness all at the same time.  "You are being so unfair and so irrational!  How can you do this to me?" He asked.  "How can you make me decide between you and my son?!"  I was floored when he said that.  I told him I was going to look at those puppies, that I think we needed time away from each other to calm down, think, regroup, etc.  He was NOT happy.

Needless to say, softy that I am, I did end up adopting a puppy from that litter.  That dog had a crazy first few weeks of living with me.  After I adopted her, I drove to my clinic & let myself in.  I called a co-worker & told her what was going on & that I planned to stay at the hospital that night.  She invited me to stay with her & her husband, even though I had the puppy with me.  She & her husband showed me hospitality beyond what I could have imagined that night.  I did call my ex that night, and it got ugly fast.  He asked me where I was and I wouldn't tell him.  I told him I needed to be where I was & that I would be at work the next day.

What ensued the next two weeks was pure insanity.  There were a couple of days I stayed at home.  There were days I would go home & then leave again.  There were days I hid all together.  He & I argued endlessly.  During this time, I went to my regular therapy session at the YWCA.  I told my therapist what was going on & she helped me to see the abuse that was going on in the marriage.  She told me I was strong.  She also told me that if I didn't want to go back, that I didn't have to.  That was my last session with Renee, but it was the most powerful.  I did stay at the YWCA's women's shelter one night, as well as at co-worker's homes and the animal hospital.  It was tough for me because I was in a state I didn't know, and my co-workers were the only people I did know, and I had a big pick-up truck with two-tone paint & a vanity plate (kind of hard to hide driving around in that thing).  But somehow, I got through.  As the time of those 2 weeks went on, I stayed at home less, and my ex began stalking me, mainly at work, but I feared everywhere I went.  I was always looking over my shoulder.  But my co-workers continued to provide graciousness and hospitality.  I stayed with one for days, we had even talked about having me move in with her and her sister.  But then, my ex began stalking and harassing everyone at the hospital.  They began to feel unsafe too.  I couldn't jeopardise them in any way.

Valentine's Day comes.  Valentine's Day 2000 was a day I'll never forget.  I got a restraining order against my ex.  It was the first thing I did that morning.  Then, I went to work only to find out that my ex's behavior had gotten worse.  The animal hospital asked me to leave for everyone's safety, I understood.  After all that I asked of them, and all that they had endured because of my ex, they were still terribly kind and we left on wonderful terms.  They showed me warmth, love, hospitality, generosity and graciousness like I have never seen before or since.  At the end of Valentine's Day, I went to a local car dealership.  I had been speaking to them for a few days, and Valentine's was the last time.  I had no down payment, no credit, I had no trade-in (the truck was in my ex's name, I was merely a co-signer).  The salesman told the owner of the dealership what was going on.  The owner then proceeded to call Ford Credit & told them they MUST give me that car because it was an emergency situation.  So, after signing all the papers, the salesman and I dropped the truck off in a Burger King parking lot, and locked it up for my ex to pick up.  I drove away in my "get away" car.  I called my mom as soon as I got back to that co-worker's house.  I told her I had the new car, I was packing everything up, and I was heading back for NY that night.  She told me to wait, that she'd call me back.  About an hour later, she called me telling me that she had a plane ticket to the Detroit airport in the morning.  So, on February 15th, I drove across the state to the Detroit airport, picked up my mom, and with bird & puppy packed up too, we drove back to NY together.

Now, I'm re-hashing this not to get sympathy.  I don't need it or deserve it.  It was scary at the time, but 4 years later, I just view it as an event in my life.  What continues to amaze me to this day, is what my co-workers did for me.  They went above & beyond, to say the least.  They made sure I was safe.  Their own well-being was at risk, and they took it in stride.  They sheltered me, fed me, protected me, as well as my bird & that new puppy.  The YWCA shelter made SURE that I did not go back to my ex.  They would not release me until they spoke to Liane, the co-worker I stayed with the longest (the one who I had talked about moving in with).  The car dealership did not give up on me, knowing my story.  I couldn't give them a penny, but they let me drive away in that car.  Everyone looked out for me.  They took me in and they hardly knew me.  And none of us knew how violent my ex would or would not be.  And yet, these people helped me anyway.  I can never thank them enough.  Every once in a while, I contact them, just to say hi & thank them a little more.  Even if I had eternity to thank them, it would not be enough.

So, when you're depressed; when you read the horrible stories in the newspapers; when some idiot cuts you off on the highway; when people just seem rude, selfish and inconsiderate, remember this.  Remind yourself of this story.  Remember that there are wonderful people out there.  Not everyone out there is such an asshole.  Inherant goodness lives in all of us.  Blessed be.  

Window

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
     The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
     Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
     The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
     The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.  Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
     As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
     One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
     Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
     As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
     Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.   He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.
     The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.  The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.  She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.  Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.         

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.

People will forget what you said...

People will forget what you did...

But people will never forget how you made them feel...

Hello again.  Work closed early, so I'm here, in my jammies already    I just wanted to thank everyone for the kind words, much appreciated.  I was thinking about that last entry on my drive home today.  I just feel "badly" for "Deer" because I'm a New Yorker-Puerto Rican biker chick    LOL...I'm not that bad, but Deer is a real lady, and....Well, for lack of a better expression, I don't want to disappoint her.   Ya know, my work is dity & physically demanding, my hands are all beat up (so I don't get my nails done), I typically come home smelly & exhausted.  I guess I just wish I could be a little more dainty for her, not so much the bull in a china shop that I really am.  Don't get me wrong, I easily blend in at the country club (family's), but on a day-to-day basis, I'm not all that girlie.  I just don't want to come across harsh or butch or what have you.  I do have a gentle side & a gentle touch, and I want that part of me to show (be predominant) when I'm around her.  I want that part of me to grow & develop & blossom overall, but especially with her.  I'll do my best to develop that part of my persona.  Well, that's that for now.  As per my horoscope, I will... With logic and selflessness, guide an evolving relationship in the direction that it most needs to go.

Akh is sleeping on the futon right now.  So cute! 

My Proactiv came today.  Hopefully my skin will begin to clear up now & I can start to look human    Between this & the Dr. Phil stuff, I'm really changing things in my life.  It wasn't a new year's resolution.  Actually, when I euthanized Nyako, in her honor, I cast a spell for myself to better who I am, physically, emotionally, etc.  I try every day, working on my temper, etc.  It was kind of a coincidence that my decisions to work on my physical appears happened at the same time.  I just want the person inside to show on the outside.  I am so much more than my bad skin or flabby belly.  It's time I let the inner me show.  It may not be easy, it may take a while, but it'll be worth it.  I just want to be happy & comfortable in my body, to not be self-conscious any more.  So, we'll see how all this goes.

Well, I'm off.  I'm gonna get dinner started.  Have a lovely evening all.  Take care, stay warm & blessed be!

I've been thinking about Deer.  I have a Valentine's surprise for her, which is how I'll tell her who she is.  Lauren liked the idea, she's still excited about it for me.  That's helped a lot.  But I wonder.  Not so much as to whether or not she'll have me.  I'm not concerned: whatever is meant to be will be.  But I don't feel I deserve such a beautiful, bright, wonderful human being.  I'm such a shlump, just a nothing.  Not a total nothing, but not worthy of such a woman.  I just feel lowly comparitive.  If she says "yes" I'll be thrilled.  It would be an honor to have a woman like that in my life.  She's just so wonderful & beautiful (inside & out).  I will do my best to woo & court her properly.  I will do everything in my power to make her happy.  I hope she can be proud of me, I'll work my tail off trying.  She's a great person & deserves the best.  I hope I can give her the best.  I'd love to sing her to sleep, to surprise her with gifts, big & little.  To give her as much as I can...Love, support, laughter, comfort, stability (emotionally & financially), solidify her family, etc.  Sigh...Oh well.  Things will play out the way they need to, I need to not underestimate myself.  Interestingly enough, this was my horoscope for today.  Funny how we are our own worst enemies....

Everything is ready, and still you hesitate. Past failures and future successes lean on you, building up the pressure. This would be so simple if you let it. Remember who you are and why you made this decision.

And here is a totally random Quizilla result (because I have no place else to put it) 

It's snowing!    I hate snow!  I was robbed of a summer this year (it was chilly & rained for most of the spring & summer), and more snow just pisses me off more    The roads aren't bad...YET.  We're supposed to get a little less than a foot tonight.  We'll see.  I still have to act like I'm going to work tomorrow, but if it's bad out, I'm not going in.

Dawn called me while I was at work.  Her dog was really sick.  So, she brough him in.  We sent them home with some meds & we gave Keewhee subcutaneous fluids.  So, hopefully he'll be ok.  But, Larkin didn't like the way his chest sounded.  It's hard to know exactly what the problem was because he was breathing so hard, it was as if he was snoring.  So Larkin isn't sure of the origin of the chest sounds.  We may do x-rays & blood work, again, it's a matter of time.

My Dr. Phil books came today!  I read most of the first chapter before work.  This should be good.  I'm gonna do my best.  I've been stretching & doing some pilates-like ab work for a little while any way, so now I'm just trying to make better decisions about how & what I eat.  It's funny b/c there was candy at work today, and I fought the urge so badly, then I went over to the reception desk & there were rice-cake snack-things     LOL...Whatever the official title is, they had a chocolate flavor & were really good!  I was proud of myself.  I resisted & I ended up eating a healthy snack that tasted just as good    Hopefully I'm on the right track this time.

Well, other than that & the kitten getting into trouble, there's nothing else really going on    I hope everyone else is ok.  Take it easy, stay warm!  Have a great night, world.  Blessed be, all!

NOTHING is going on today    I slept till 9:30, just hung around, put on the dishwasher, watched TV & messed around on-line for a bit.  Then I took a nap (mind you, it was only about 12:30 at the time), and here I am, back at the computer.  Feeling sick on & off due to being in my moon.  I really need to get back on the shot.  Not that I need the protective aspect of it, but the hormones are killing my body.  I got my ulcer & IBD while I was on the shot, so I had no idea that my time would flare everything up so badly.  I've only been off for about 6 months, but it's too much.  Plus, I'm afraid I'll have another cyst ruptire.  I did have one rupture when on the shot...it was the same day I got my ulcer.  Nice, huh?  Anyhoo, it must have been a small one or something because it didn't even come close to the last one which hit on Sept. 11 this year (great timing).  Those are the medical bills I'm still paying off.  Over $4000 in med bills.  I only have a few hundred left, but still that's just a ton of money.  I had x-rays done, a cat scan, 2 ER visits, pain meds, etc.  God I can't wait till I get my insurance!    Anyhoo, that was way off subject    I'm waiting to eat for at least another hour.  I really need to keep my eating down.  I threw out some junk snack foods I had around last night, because I can't have this shit around me.  I will eat non-stop & gain all the weight I lost (about 20 lbs or so).  But I lost it by starving myself & working in a busy, physically demanding hospital.  The physical labor part is good, but not the starvation part, I know.  So, I bought the Dr. Phil Weight loss book & food guide to help me.  Not that I need to lose any more, but I want to try to figure out what motivates me to eat or not eat like this.  Is it because of my past abusive relationships?  Is it a control issue?  I'm not sure, so why not get some help on why, how to eat healtht, etc.  And hopefully his food guide will help me to find alternative foods that I may not have even thought about.  LOL...I just turned to his show & it's more about the weight loss stuff    How funny is that!    Anyhoo, let me go get some pointers    I'll be back later, I'm sure.

This is my new little friend.  Cute, ain't he?    First & foremost, I got this from 

http://howcute.cjb.net/

I don't have a name for him, as of yet.  Suggestions are more than welcome    He looks a lot like the purple dragon tattoo on my right arm!   

Hung out with my mom & Dick.  I love my Sundays...It's always nice to go back & reconnect.  Family is so important, I learned that the hard way.  Anyhoo, we saw Cold Mountain.  Very good.  It didn't feel long at all.  I'm not sure historically acurate it is, so I'm gonna research that, but it was very good.  I had to fight back the tears at the beginning.  I always do with Civil War movies.  I definetly have SOME kind of connection to that era.  I would really like to expand the Civil War essay I wrote in high school & turn it into a book, but I don't see that happening.  That essay was published in a few places, biggest of which was a national textbook in 1997 & 2000.  Meanwhile, it's the weakest piece I've ever written.  LOL.  Anyhoo, enough of that.  So, it was a nice day.  It started off with an e-mail from Stephen letting me know he's home from Mexico & he's still alive    LOL.  I got another e-mail from him tonight with dolphin pics.  We're prepping for the next tattoo    I'm siked.  I thought that would be all, but I've been getting some really good ideas & now I'm torn    Well, we'll have to see what happens with that.  My mom & I briefly talked about vet school.  I want to go so badly.  But I'll have to move no matter what, and more than likely out of the country.  But I want my babies with me, that would be one hell of a move for a cat & a bird.  The thought makes me nervous.  But I would really like to become a doctor.  Once I'm a DVM & I have my own practice, I could tell assholes like that guy yesterday to get out of my practice    THAT'S a sweet idea    Well, that's about it from here for now.  Goodnight all.  Blessed be!