I have my tattoo sitting tomorrow!  Yea!  I'm excited.  It'll be great.  I love Lynn, and being with her alone will be wonderful.

I haven't heard from Stephen since early last night when I put up that post.  It makes me anxious & nervous & worried.  Maybe he's just resting, I don't know.  But he hasn't CALLED me in days.  I wonder if he lost my number or if something is legitamtely wrong.  Sigh....

Lauren sent me an e-mail tonight.  I thought things were better since we decided to drop the bullshit from the last time.  Everything was fine, but she thought that since I didn't divulge information on the Stephen situation that she "lost her status" with me.  This is the kind of shit that kills me.  There have been things she doesn't go into detail with me & I let it be.  So, why can't I have the same courtesy?  And why does it have to be turned against me?  I don't like the idea of my situations becoming ammunition that has turned against me.  The thing is, I was in her house with her entire family around, and maybe, just maybe, I thought it wasn't the right time.  I told her it was nothing against her, because it isn't.  I've known her for too long & love her too much.  She would know if there was a problem    She knows me, my temper & my sharp tongue well enough to know that    But getting back to the subject, I'm just terribly confused.  I honestly don't know.  I know the age difference is weird, but I DO want to be with him.  I told her that too.  That pretty much brings her & the rest of the world up to date    Sigh again....  I guess I kinda brought this on myself    It's just to so weird that these situations find me.  I love Lauren & I wonder why I can't have what she has (minus the baby).  Maybe I could...Maybe I shouldn't be with men any more.  Goddamn it, I just don't know!    I was at Orient Point just the other day.  I lit some candles, burnt incense & TRIED to consult my oracle yesterday, but I still haven't found the peace or solid answers I normally find with both of those.  My soul is anxious, restless.  Ironically, I'm watching "Girl, Interrupted."  From what I've watched, I really connect with Wynona Rider's part (plus, I think she looks good, I find her kinda cute in this   ).  Maybe I should go try to draw or paint.  Maybe I'll go back to Orient point, too.  Ever since my divorce & relationship/break-up with Vinny, I really try to go to outside sources (people, places & things) for answers, since outsiders can see things differently (and often more clearly) than me (or any person IN a situation).  I just wish I got all the same answers like I did with Vinny or my ex-husband.  These mixed reviews kill me    Sigh....Oh well.  Maybe - hopefully talking to Lynn tomorrow can help.  She knows both Stephen & I very well, maybe she can shed some light on this for me.  Ok, I'm going to stop rambling now.  I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow.

Huff!  Stephen is sick, but he doesn't want me to bring him soup or tea    LOL...I sent him an e-mail tell him he was making things difficult for me    I honestly would LOVE to bring him something, but he said he was really tired & I know he needs his sleep & therefore I wouldn't want to bother him.  I do miss him, though.  Hopefully I can see him soon.  I know I tend to get very attatched very quickly, but I don't apologise for being myself, for giving people the love & respect & trust they deserve (unless they prove otherwise).  I LOVE to take care of others, and I love to do for others & give to them, in every way.  That may make me seem clingy, but as much as I love to be with that person (really ALL the people in my life), I am clearly able to survive on my own   I've done it all this time & I think I've done pretty well

Stephen came into my life (romantically) at a rather crazy point.  I had always said to myself that I was going to give men one more chance before I went to bat for the other team    That last chance was Mike.  I said that to myself on the night I met Mike, on my way out to Hofstra.  So, when we broke up & I had just met Tiffany, I was pretty set to find myself a nice woman.  Then Stephen called & the show called, and I felt like the cow in the tornado in "Twister"...LOL!  I had always felt something special with Stephen.  I had a peace &  joy during & after our conversations.  I thoroughly enjoyed our time together & greatly looked forward to seeing him again.  I always felt so very comfortable & open around him.  Now, I really don't know which way I'm going.  He knows I have my crush on Tiffany, but he also knows I'm not pursuing her.  I would like to take this up a notch, so long as we are thinking along the same lines.  So many people disapprove, though.  My family would shoot me.  Lauren, Dawn, Justin & Kari have been very harsh.  Actually, I was thinking of talking to Justin about it, he's more open-minded than Dawn.  Maybe I'll call him after this.  But H & Pam have been open & supportive.  The age difference is the only red flag.  And is age THAT much of an issue?  Even/especially if this doesn't last long?  I just view this as 2 people connecting on many levels, and the age difference really does disappear when we're together.  I know my friends are more concerned than anything & that means the world to me, it really does.  They just don't want me to get hurt, and to say I appreciate their love & concern is an understatement.  But Stephen really is an amazing man.  Sigh...I just don't know...I just want to see him so much & I wish the age difference was non-existant so I could have my friends' & family's support.  This is a toughie.  Oh well.  I can only just ride this out & see where life takes me.  I should go...Gotta do some stuff & try to call Justin.  Goodnight, world.  Sleep well & stay warm! 

A little Astrology report on yours truly.  It's quite accurate 

SECTION I:  How Lauren Relates to Other People


Mercury Conjunct Pluto with an orb between 1/2 and 1 degree

You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Venus SemiSquare Jupiter with an orb of less than 1 degree

You may be overly self-indulgent and inclined toward excesses of eating, drinking, sex or anything which gives you pleasure. You would not be comfortable with someone who was too reserved. You can be quite extravagant both emotionally and financially.

Mercury Conjunct Venus with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees

Intelligence is sexy to you. If a person you find physically attractive isn't also bright, verbal and someone you can talk to, you're not interested. You have a highly developed aesthetic sense and are drawn to people of taste, wit and charm.

Sun Sextile Mars with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees

You are assertive without being overly aggressive and usually go after what you want with confidence and enthusiasm. You enjoy sex and your partners tend to be dynamic, successful people. Your natural energy and moxie is usually sexually interesting to others.

Mercury Sextile Neptune with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees

You know things intuitively as well as rationally and have a rare capacity to perceive in others feelings, thoughts and dreams they may never have openly shared. Anyone close to you would have to share your love of music and interest in spiritual thought.

Venus Sextile Neptune with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees

However cool or cynical you may appear to be externally, you are extraordinarily sensitive and romantic. You are gentle and artistic and would rather do without a relationship than be part of one which does not measure up to your highest ideals of love.

Sigh....I have so much unpacking to do.  I told my mom I am NEVER doing this again: packing up myself & the kitten & staying over night.  Way too much work    But I'm back, Akh is settled, eating her dinner.  I'm just beat.  And I have to work tomorrow, too    Oh well.

Today was nice.  Everyone liked their stuff.  I got some nice stuff, too.  I'm just too tired to go into detail    As Stephen would say, I am in my moon (ladies, you know what I mean) & my energy is really crazy right now.  I'm just bouncing from one thing to another & I'm totally wiped out at the same time    This is killing my stomach, though.  I need to go back on the shot...my bad stomach issues are magnified 10-fold by this.  As much as I hate injecting myself with hormones, I also can't live feeling like I'm going to vomit or just keel over & die 24-7 for however long.

I miss Stephen.  Thought about him all day today.  I REALLY hope he calls me tomorrow, even if it's just to say hi.  I want to see him again.  Maybe he & I can get together for dinner tomorrow or saturday night.  It would be nice.  I've done a lot of thinking about him & I.  One thing that struck me was that he gets it.  He just gets it.  He understands me, he understands life.  He knows there's so much more to life, which is why & how we've had the conversations we have.  He, unlike any other male I've been with, is 3 dimensional.  He is multi-faceted.  There is do much depth to him.  My ex-husband & Vinny were stereotypical & 2-dimensional.  I think Vin may have had some potential, but he let his insecurities rule his life.  Mike DEFINETLY had potential for depth, but again, he let his insecurities take over.  At the moment, he is flat, 2-dimensional.  Stephen, though, has so many layers to him.  Due to experience, education, and open-mindedness.  He says the same about me.  We can talk about anything & everything.  There's a ton of respect there, too.  We learn a lot from each other & we can tell each other things & not fear judgement.  He told me & showed me some things of his which, on an emotional level, are risky to show an outsider.  But he showed me or told me, and I understood & respected them.  It meant a lot that I didn't judge him.  I was able to do the same with him.  For me to talk about the cat that I hit with my car & tell him it was a karmic lesson was risky.  Most people think I'm crazy or stupid for thinking that.  Not Stephen.  I haven't gone into detail with him, but I know if I told him of my encounters with Keith Doug after his passing, or the soldier from the battle of Culloden in Scotland, he wouldn't judge me.  I haven't told many people, and when I do, I down-play it because it makes me sound insane.  But Stephen gets it.  He understands & would never think those encounters were bizarre or stupid.  I've never been totally honest with anyone.  I've found I needed to hide certain things from certain people, especially my family.  But, I hid feelings, events, etc from my ex or Vinny or Mike, even my friends.  Hell, Lauren didn't know Vinny was a druggie or that I was smoking cigarettes & weed when I was with him until WAY after the break-up.  It's not that I'm trying to be mean or hurtful.  Lauren would have kicked my ass.  My family just doesn't understand me, so why add to their confusion.  In any of the times I kept something to myself, it was either to save my hide (physically) or not come off sounding like a total wack-job.  Again, though, I don't need to be that way with Stephen.  I love that, I really do.  It's so nice being with someone who I can talk to about ANYTHING.  We can make total asses of ourselves & laugh to death, or we can discuss our beliefs & connections to nature, etc.  I always felt an amazing peace wash over me after our discussions, even in the very beginning.  Now I feel that & it's magnified.  I am so comfortable around him, and that too, is a new, wonderful feeling. 

Wow.  It's after 11.  I need to go to bed.  As much as I'd love to go on & on, I can't    I hope everyone had a great Christmas.  I'll check in with y'all later.  Good night!

Hello world!  I have nothing new to report.  I'm really just writing to inform my fans (ok, well not really, but...) that I'm heading out for my mom's tonight after work (I'm going in at around 5 to do evening treatments), and I'll be there over-night & all day tomorrow.  Bryan, my almost famous actor brother, is flying in tonight.  Yea!  So, it'll be Christmas with the whole family.  It'll be nice.  It'll be quiet, too, since Meg (my mom's best friend) & her family, specifically her husband, Bill won't be there.  Meg's mom died right before Thanksgiving & her dad right before Christmas 2 years ago.  They spent Christmas with us last year, but Bill is an alcoholic & he's loud & obnoxious anyway.  So last year was slightly painful    But this year will just be us & it should be nice.  I got some good gifts for everyone.  I do pride myself on my gift giving.  I am very thoughtful & creative.  Mike WOULD have learned that about me this Christmas (he was going to get a pair of leather gloves he really wanted & a CD/DVD box set of Lewis Black, one of his favorite comics).  Actually, my BIG surprise for him woulfd have been his birthday.  He always wanted me to cook.  So, for his birthday, I was going to cook my first dinner for him, and it would have been his favorite steak & potato.  It would have been nice & meaningful.  Oh well, his loss!  Now, Stephen's gonna  have to deal with me spoiling him    LOL.  Well, I have a bunch of stuff to do & get ready, between lunch with Pam & heading out tonight, I don't have much time    Merry Christmas, all!  I'll see you all in a couple of days.  I hope you all have a wonderful, beautiful holiday.  Blessed be!

LOL...My tattoo appointment was cancelled & I still spent the last 6 hours there!   Lynn had to cancel...Long story, I know the details & I understand.  I'm getting inked on Monday morning.  I'm still excited.  I asked Stephen to do my dolphin tattoo.  We're gonna do dolphins around the tribal on my left calf.  I actually have to go search for pictures after this.  Stephen is apprenticing & he told me the other day that he didn't have many friends to practice on, and this will probably be simple black & grey.  Plus, it would be an honor to have work done by him.  I gave everyone the roses with the borders gift cards & that saying that was in my last post.  They all liked it & Stephen really appreciated the sachet I made for him.  It was for wealth & travel protection.  An unscheduled piercing came into the shop tonight, so he did get extra cash.  He was excited, it was the first sign that it was working.  He gave me a print of one of his (and mine) favorite pictures of an old church in New Mexico.  It's of the altar/prayer space.  It is beautiful.  That was a great gift.  It was great hanging out with him & Kelly.  We had fun    I asked Stephen to come to my place for new year's....I'm excited.  A little nervous, but I'm dying to see where the night will take us (HUGE grin!).  I also got to see most of Stephen's tattoos.  I'll want to look at them again, but they were GORGEOUS.  He's had some great work done.  Wow....My mind is in a million places right now.  Watching "Office Space" as I'm eating Rochet chocolates & drinking non-alcoholic egg nog isn't helping    Well, I'm gonna go, I have a bunch of stuff to do.  Boy, I got good stuff coming up, starting off with my lunch with Pam tomorrow!  Yea!  Ok, I'm off.  Take care.  Merry Christmas & all that good stuff!  Love to everyone!   

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away  that they
were meant to be there, they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a
lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these  people may be; your roommate, your neighbor,
professor, long lost friend, lover  or even a complete stranger who, when
you lock eyes with them, you know that  very moment that they will affect
your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen  to you and at the time they seem horrible,
painful and unfair, but in reflection  you realize that without overcoming
those obstacles you would never have  realized your potential, strength,
will power of heart.

Everything happens for a  reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of
good or bad luck. Illness,  injury, love, lost moments or true greatness
and sheer stupidity all occur to  test the limits of the soul.

Without these small tests, if  they be events, illnesses or relationships,
life would be like a smooth paved,  straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe
and comfortable but dull and utterly  pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life and successes and  downfalls you
experience, they are the ones who create who you are. Even the bad
experience can be learned from... Those lessons are the hardest and
probably the  most important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart...  forgive them,
for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of  being
cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love  them back unconditionally, not only because
they love you, but because they are  teaching you to love and opening your
heart and eyes to things you would have  never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count.  Appreciate every moment and take from it everything
that you possibly can, for  you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people you have never  talked to before, and actually listen, let
yourself fall in love, break free and  set your sights high. You can make
of your life anything you wish. Create your  own life and then go out and
live it.

~ Author Unknown

I am proud of myself    I got ALMOST everything done today.  All I have to do is write a few cards, pack up some stuff & make sure I have everything set for tomorrow.  And it didn't take me long, either.  Which is great considering all the driving I had to do.  It feels good to get so much done.  Between all the cleaning & organizing I did on Saturday, and getting this done today, I don't feel like such a lazy lard-ass 

I bought a rose for Lynn, Kelly & Stephen.  Lynn is getting a purple rose, Kelly is getting pink & Stephen is getting red (Big Grin)    I attatched a beautiful saying & a Border's gift card to each.  I'm going to write a card to all 3 for the shop.  I'm so excited.  It'll be so nice.  They are such great people.  I'm going to get there early so Dawn & the gang don't see me give these gifts & possibly have Stephen kiss me....I don't need to hear any shit right now....

I called Pam today.  She & I are getting together on Wednesday.  Yea!  I'm excited.  I told her she HAD to see my breasts.  She didn't object.  LMAO!    She's excited for me.  She said that I should send a picture of  the tattooed boobs to Mike.  LOL.  She is so funny.  I can't wait to see her.  She may have a date tonight, I hope so for her sake.  She's been really excited about this woman for a long time, so I hope they do get together tonight.  I'm dying to hear how it goes.  I am so thankful she came into my life.  She is another wonderful blessing to me.

I haven't heard from Stephen yet    I know he'll call, he had a bunch of stuff to do.  I just can't get enough of him.  I don't know what we are or where we're going, but I've always loved spending time with him, even before "this."  Now, I feel the same way, just more intensely.  I have to get some stuff ready for his spell soon.  I also need to look up ways of celebrating Yule for tonight.  I need something simple & easy.  I bought a book on Celtic & Druidic magick today.  It's a HUGE book, but I'm excited.  I've wanted to get into Celtic magick for a while & I think this book will be a great resource.  I have lots o' reading ahead of me    Akhenaten is sitting here in my lap, purring away, just looking up at me.  God, I love her!

Well, I guess that's it for now    I'm off to read & research for all my Yule events 

Pardon me tonight, I'm a little sick.  I ate & it was too my for my stupid GI system.  I hate these stupid problems.  I know it could be much worse & for that I am very greatful.  But this really sucks.  I LOVE food 7 i can't appreciate it the way I used to.  My poor friends & family have to go out of their way to accomodate me & I hate that.  I also hate that I can't eat salads, etc.  I can, but not as much as I like.  I can deal with my morning routine, I'm used to that by now.  But it sucks, because my stomach bothers me at least once a day.  I just want to feel "normal."  For Christ's sake, I ONLY ate dinner tonight & found myself dry-heaving in my grandparents' bathroom.  That kind of stuff kills me.  I'm not going to sit here & whine & say it's not fair.  I'm just gonna say it sucks, big time.  Oh well...   Enough of my whining 

Tomorrow is Yule!  Yea!  I may go out to Orient Point to celebrate a little.  I'm also going to cast a spell for Stephen, I figured tomorrow would be the perfect day.  So, happy Winter Solstice/Yule!  Being the shortest day, it is the embodiment of God, masculinity.  From here on out, the days will get progressively longer, a sign of life returning.  Of the life created by God & Goddess.  Even though I've been a witch for a couple of years, I think this is the best Yule ever: I've never been so excited. 

Heather, I'm glad I could clarify the oracle.  When I read that you were confused, I felt so bad!  I didn't want to confuse you or make you feel any kind of pressure or what have you.  I'm happy that I was able to at least explain that & take away your confusion    Your dream was VERY odd    I'm honored you dreamt about me, so, Thank you!    It sounds interesting & pleasant (which is always good)    I'm actually going to a book storte tomorrow, so I'll try to find a dream interprtation book & look it up.  If I find anything, I'll let you know    Good luck getting thru your last 2 days before the big vacation    I hope for your sake that these days fly.  Have a wonderful, relaxing, enjoyable vacation!  You deserve the best!  As for the pictures, no need to worry.  The pics for the studio won't have my face, but the pics that he & I are taking for me, will have my face.  I want to do a whole myriad of styles/pictures.  I want some to be sexy, some to be just the ink, some to be artistic.  I have a couple of ideas.  For example, to get the tribal on my left calf & the one of Nyako on my left thigh, I was thinking of a picture of my left leg in ballet (turned-out) passe (left foot by right knee, making a triangle-shape), so you get both tats, an interesting shape & movement.  I trust Stephen, and I think these pictures are going to be great.

I saw him (stephen) today & as usual, it was great.  We went out on a nature walk & despite the cold, it was beautiful.  We saw a red-tailed hawk (I have one in my totem, she watches over me), we saw some kind of falcon, a bunch of mallard duck pairs.  It was great!  We talk about anything & everything & never run of out things to discuss.  Lynn & Kelly are sending him to Mexico so he can shoot pictures of the Monarch Butterfly migration in 3 weeks.  He was crying & speechless on the phone last night.  I am so excited for him.  This is something he's always wanted to do & this gift is overwhelming for him.  He deserves it, though.  I am thrilled for him    He kept apologizing for not calling me sooner & I told him that he shouldn't apologize.  He told me they were going to exchange gifts & that it was important, and of course when I heard what they did for him, I understood even more.  He asked me if I was always that understanding.  I told him I try to be    Then, jokingly, he asked about marriage.  I told him it was too soon.  He asked if we need to hang out at least one more time & I said yes    He is too funny    He is so excited & nervous & flabberghasted about this trip.  He's overwhlemed because he hasn't been treated like this before.  He deserves it.  He is such a sweet, wonderful, soul.  No matter what does or does not happen between us, I am very blessed to have him in my life.

Well, I'm off...I should play with both the kitten & the bird before I hit the hay.  Good night for now, and happy Yule! 

Ok, to start off, lemme explain the oracle...

I'm not sure if it's in the Cunningham book or not, H.  It's not essential to witchcraft at all.  It's just something I bought for myself.  It's like a deck of tarot cards, but it doesn't necessarily predict the future.  I use it for guidance & insight into a situation, the direction my life is headed, etc.  The oracle I have is a druid animal oracle.  It uses animals, their symbolism & our connection to them.  And it is druidic/celtic in origin...It gives the celtic names, uses Ireland & Scotland as a background & describes what each animal represented to the druids.  The book also describes what it means if you draw the card reversed (or up-side down).  Each card is one animal, and there are different spreads or ways of laying out the cards.  Different spreads shed insights on different things, some in more detail than others.  I haven't been using this long, it's just something I do for myself & it has been a very powerful tool for me.  I do hope that cleared things up 

Today sucked.  The day just DRAGGED on.  We were all tired from the party last night.  The funny thing was no stayed out late & no one got wasted.  Some people drank, but no one was drunk.  But we all dragged our asses today    And all the clients today tested my patience.  Every one I got was a pain-in-the-ass Hamali (will explain that word in a minute) who just didn't get it & annoyed the shit out of me    But I survived & didn't kill or even mame anyone    LOL.  Ok, so Hamali is Maltese.  For lack of a better translation, it means pain in the ass.  Diane, my licensed tech at Basic Pet Care, from back in the day, taught me that word.  She lived in Malta for a short while, so that's how she knows it.  It's great because no one knows what you mean by it, so you can say it openly & not offend anyone   

I'm waiting to hear from Stephen...We may get together tonight.  He & Lynn & Kelly are exchanging gifts tonight, so it depends on him.  If not maybe we'll catch up tomorrow or Monday.  He & I talked for a little bit last night.  I swear, if it weren't for the HUGE age difference, he WOULD be perfect.  I guess I'll just wait it out.  We decided last night that we will put pics of my new tattoo in the photo album at the studio, but my face won't show.  I'm proud of this piece as is Lynn (and she should be!), but I don't want to walk in & have the other clients staring at me knowing those are MY breasts.  They're also going to submit the pics to Tattoo magazines (at least one), which I think is just soooooooooo cool!    I will keep you up-dated on that.  Well, I should go feed Akhenaten, eat & clean.  Sigh...This place is such a wreck.  Between the depression of the bullshit with Mike last week & the stress of that, work, holiday shit, Stephen & the TV show stuff, I really let it go & it kills me.  Comparative to the place I used to live in, this place looks great, but it bothers me because in reality, it DOESN'T look great.  Oh well.  I should just shut up about it & do something about it    Good night, world.