I'm exhausted, bogged down. A lot going on, a ton of emotions and thoughts swirling through my head. Feeling overwhelmed. Sigh....I need something. I need a pick me up. Someway to start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, a way to unweave all this mess. I need to go rest, my body is yearning for it. My soul is so weary at only 25...
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My feet are calloused. Everything hurts and aches. I am tired beyond belief. I am pet sitting as well as working. It's not bad, the dog is great, but I'm running around & corting my schedule to accomodate this guy, and it's just wearing me out. My computer is dying. Lauren is off to West Virginia tomorrow for a funeral, Elaina's back is really bad...Sigh....Just so much...I'm feeling so tired & overwhlemed. Hopefully I will be able to catch up with all of you. I do miss you. Much love & many blessings.
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I am in so much physical pain right now...hit right after I got into job #2...I'm off to hit the hay, and I sure hope I feel better in the a.m. 'cause I can't work feeling this shitty...EVERYTHING aches. I am a giant ball of pain. I'm dying to catch up with everyone but my damn computer is so slow, and I'm so overwhelmed with shit...the lawyer, the truck, etc. What the hell ever. I need to get to bed, I feel really weak. Please continue to put out some good energy for Lauren, Jeff, Colin & their families, they need it. And if I may, I could use some, too
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Hey guys. I'm not ignoring you, I promise. My computer is not well. Elaina is going to have to wipe out my hard drive & we will rebuild. So, I have to start to back everything up...My book, all my pictures & documents, everything. Hopefully, I'll be back soon, and I will let you know how everything went with the Lawyer, etc. Take good care, all. Much love & many blessings!
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IMPORTANT!! Please, pray & put out some good energy for my best friend, Lauren. She & her family REALLY need all the support they can get. I love them & want to help them. Please keep them in mind. Thank you.
So I had a 22-23 hour day yesterday. I'm still recovering. The interview in fairfax was HORRIBLE. One of the doctors asked EVERY illegal question he could: about my politics, my sexual orientation...ALL of it. I have a meeting with a lawyer on Tuesday to find about filing a report against this scum bag. It's was flat out fucked up. NO ONE deserves to be spoken to that way. For the first time in my life I am TRULY standing up for myself & taking a step I never would have taken before. I WILL not allow this man to have the upper hand over me. So, I decided to take the job in Goochland, I'm waiting to hear back from Dr. Washburn. And we'll see what happens from ther. There's actually a lot of stuff going on in my mind, but I have to go change & hang out with Elaina & Jen. I hope you are all well. Take good care. Much love & many blessings to you all.
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Change. My life has been filled with it, and for the best, I think. I just cannot believe some of things that are going on. Things I'd never do before. Between meeting Elaina & hanging out with her & her friends, going out with people from work, expanding meet-up, restoring the truck, joining a few car clubs, I was just talking to a meet-up member & we're going to host a party for her aromatherapy products. This is ALL stuff I'd never do before. I've been VERY open about my sexuality, the rape & the effects of the rape. I don't think I've ever been more proud of myself. I'm still working on the apartment, I'm about to go practice my guitar....It's not me. Well, it's not the old me. I amaze (and to some extent, scare) myself. My therapist was talking about creating a new character, a new me. And I am. I am really starting to live up to the Star Dancer that is Namid. I e-mailed a woman earlier about getting some grant money for my book. I'm dressing myself better, taking better care of myself in every facet of my life. It's sooooooooooo weird!! It's a good weird, though. It's just so strange how drastically my life has changed in such a short period of time. Who would have guessed that something negative could result in the greatest positive changes in my life.
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Tomorrow is D-day...THE day. The last day I drive my truck as she is. Tomorrow marks the beginning of my baby's make-over. Although I am VERY excited about this (The world will finally see my truck the way I do), I'm gonna miss her. It's going to be weird not driving her, not seeing her. I will have had her for a year the end of March. My therapist thinks this is a good thing for me: I'm honoring myself. It's just kinda weird...The one thing I wanted my whole life & the one thing I've talked about non-stop for the past 10 month is finally happening. It really is a dream come true. It's just a weird feeling.....
Job interview today went REALLY well. I have a good feeling about this, but we shall see...don't want to jinx myself. I'll keep you posted as things happen (if they do).
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The Introspective stuff previously mentioned. WARNING!!!! I divulge more here about the movie "Frida." If you have not seen it, but want to, I suggest you don't read it (don't want to ruin it for you). If you have seen it or will not see it, then read on, it's the 2nd part.
I am a biker hippie. I am a wild recluse. I am a walking oxymoron. I am contradiction. Yet, I make it blend, I make it work. How? Why? As a libra, I am always looking for the perfect balance, but to be so polar opposite of myself is...well, odd. Can one be contradictory? I think so, so long as it is not in a hypocritical manner. Yes, I’m a hippie. I love the birds & tress & being out in nature. Part of that, for me, is being on a bike, or in my car. I often get lost amongst the tree leaves as I drive. Riding or driving is a very free, open feeling to me. It does help me to reconnect with nature. Am I wild? To some extent. I have the tattoos & piercing, I have the music, too. I am a homebody, though. I’m just not terribly social. Being home is safe & comfortable for me. I don’t like crowds, and I don’t like parties or bars. I am wild with myself, I guess you could say. How did I get this way? I don’t know. I think I’ve always been this way. I am proud of the fact that I am multi-faceted, that I have a depth greater than 2 dimensions. It is a little odd that I can go from the New York City Ballet to a ‘67 GTO in no time flat, but it means I get to enjoy more of the world. I feel open to more things, more open-minded, more willing to learn or try. And I have learned how to balance total opposites. I am a walking oxymoron. I am contradiction. I am proud of that.
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We saw "Frida" tonight. It’s an amazing movie, it really is. Very powerfully. Done in an extremely creative an artistic way. Beautiful. It touched me on many levels, at several different points, but there was one part that really hit home. She became pregnant, and was told that she would most likely not be able to carry, but she tried anyway. She miscarried. She is rushed into the hospital. It then jumps to a scene to the doctor speaking with her husband. She comes out of the room, screaming & crying to see her baby. She does. The next scene is in her hospital room, her deformed child in a bottle of formaldehyde. She painted this incredible painting of herself, the miscarriage, and her son. It was so amazingly powerful. It was extremely difficult for me to hold back the tears. Granted, that is a horrible thing & most people would cry from sympathy. For me, however, it was more than that. That was me. That was my pain. That was my anguish, my despair. No, I didn’t miscarry. I prayed every day that I would, just so I wouldn’t have to terminate. The gods decided that it was not going to happen for me naturally. So, instead I forced a miscarriage. I paid someone to do to me what nature had done to Frida. I loved my child as much as she loved hers. Just because I euthanized my child, does not mean I’m some unfeeling, heartless bitch! It destroys me every day. The fact that I had to make that decision, for some poor, innocent child who would suffer so much, in so many ways. I told my best friend that I do feel like a mother who miscarried. The pain is the same. What I felt, what I went through is the same. It was the worst decision I ever had to make. All I can hope is that my child will forgive me. That she will understand why I did what I did, and that I can enjoy her in paradise.
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