So many things to report tonight.  First off, had dinner with Elaina, Jen, Ivette & their friends Joy & Christine...we had a great time.  I helped a little in the kitchen (let's get this straight...I was stirring, ok.  It's amazing I could do that!  LOL).  Well, at one pont, Elaina put her hands around my hips to move me out of the way for a second   She happened to bend down to reach into the oven & I saw her tattoo.  The crazy thing...It's that symbol.  The symbol I saw in Scotland & fell in love with. The symbol on the ring & in the jewelry I bought from Bobby.  The symbol I had Lynne integrate on my chest/torso tattoo!  Coincendence?  Not calling that yet.  It very well could be.  It could also be more....  Anyhoo, Jen & Eevy (Ivette) gave me a DVD player for Christmas.  I had gotten them something & thought nothing of it.  And they handed me this large box tonight, I hardly had the wrapping undone when I saw what it was.  I was floored.  That was EXTREMELY generous of them. 

We saw FRIDA tonight.  Absolutely amazing movie.  Done incredibly artistically.  Beautifully done, they integrated her paintings into the movie in such a unique way.  I highly recommend if you haven't seen it (If you're not into movies that are a little off-center & very artistic, then don't see it, it'll probably bore you).  Anyway...There is a part that deals with pregnancy.  I won't go into details if you haven't seen it.  It really hit home.  She did a painting from it...The thought of that painting gives me goose bumps, it is an extremely powerful moment.  It hit such a chord with me.

There is more...Just an introspective thing (for lack of a better description).  But I think I'll hold off on that until tomorrow.  For now, good night, sleep well.  Much love & many blessings to you all.

Well, well.  Where do I begin?  The phone interview yesterday went well....There are a few hospitals I should be hearing from.  Julia said I should hear from them by next Wednesday, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Had dinner with Elaina, Jen & Ivette.  Ended up talking with Jen until 4 am.  LOL...It was nive, though.  We had a great time.  Got an e-mail from Elaina inviting me to dinner tomorrow night.  Her ex, Joy (they're good friends) & Joy's girlfriend Christine are coming over, so they invited me, too.  I thought was REALLY nice, I'm excited about it.

Had a message last night from the bank wanting to verify some recent usage/purchases I made with my debit card.  They were all legit & I was able to clear things up VERY quickly.  I've never had anything like that happen before.  I REALLY appreciated it.  It actually made me feel good, because it felt like the bank was really watching out for me.  I know, I know, that's their job.  It was just nice to know that they DO actually watch that stuff & make sure that no one stole your card.

I have done a HUGE amount of work in the apartment.  I really like the way it's coming along.  The only problem I've encountered was that things didn't necessarily fit where I originally wanted to put them (mainly just with storage.  I don't have the closet space I had in Riverhead.  But, that's ok.  It's really easy to improvise or rearrange things & everything is REALLY coming into place nicely.  I think I'm going to have a small party celebrating a new, clean home & my new job (when I get it).  It'll be small, just Lauren, Jeff, Colin, Elaina, Jen & Ivette.  I don't know...I don't have a hell of a lot of room...We'll see, just an idea I'm throwing around in my little head.

So, that's it for now.  I think that's enough for a 24 hour period   I hope you are all well.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to you all 

Still tired.  Last night was pretty close to normal for me (in terms of a sleeping pattern).  Not great, though, and I could totally go for a nap right now, but that will makes things worse.  Sigh...oh well, whatever.  Once I get into a normal working schedule, things should get better.  I have a phone interview at 2:30....Please keep your fingers crossed, pray, put out good energy...Whatever!    I need it, I've got a good feeling about this & I'm nervous about it.  The first woman (head-hunter) I was working with had told me that I'd hear from this company about an office manager position, which is pretty close to home.  I haven't heard anything, so I e-mailed her last night telling her that & asking what was going on.  In her reply, she tells me that they told her they already spoke with me & are considering me for an LVT position.  Who did they talk to?    I told her I had put in a resume there, but that was 6 months ago!  I told her, no one contacted me then & no one has contacted me now.  Strange, huh?  Not as happy with her as the woman who will interview me later.  This woman works for another company, but they do more work with office managers, and she has been great about getting back to me, which is part of the reason why I want this one to come through, because she has represented this hospital EXTREMELY well.  Oh well, whatever is meant to be, will be.  I just want to be happy at a job, I want job security.  Is that too much to ask?  I'll keep ya posted if anything happens.

The only other news is that I went to Bath & Body works to see if they had any White Barn Candles (Same company, BEST damn scented candles I've ever burned).  Well, they did.  Lots of 'em, and wall-plug in scents, too.  And, there was a BIG sale going on.  Lauren (me) spent a little too much time & money there   It was fun & I needed the stuff I got.  My house will now over-flow with vanilla, rather than the cat boxes    Oh yeah...Having dinner tonight with Elaina & the gang, too...YAY! 

Alrighty, I'm gonna quit for now.  I hope you are all well.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to everyone!

Random PS - to my NY readers, I know you can appreciate this.  Imagine my surprise as I drove down Broad Street to get to the Y yesterday for therapy & I saw on the electric sign at VCU that something is happening with...HOFSTRA!  LOL...I'm guessing it's a game or something...It was just odd to see something about Hofstra down here    Just figured you'd get a kick out o' that 

Therapy was amazing...it really was.  Got good stuff going on.  The apartment is really coming alone...And I have a mission for myself when talking to these new jobs.  I'm gonna do it....gonna make myself stick to my guns.  I'll keep you all posted as these things fall into place, for now, I'm gonna watch Dr. Phil & take care of some stuff here.  Be good!  Much love & many blessings to you all!

My sleep pattern has been really crazy...Off.  Seriously off.  I'm exhausted as I write this, but I'm trying to keep going so I can back on track.  I've been off since Saturday.  Not quite sure why, but that's the way it is.

Just got home with the truck a little while ago...Had to replace all 4 tires.  One was completely shot (made for an interesting drive to the shop) & the other 3 were torn up from when Bobby & Jay tried to chain her on the hitched when I moved.  I was actually able to get the tires for $81 each, which is really good all things considered. 

Going out again soon...Getting my hair cut.  First time in over a year (I've been doing it myself.  Quite poorly, might I add)...and I don't know what I'm doing, but it's gonna be drastic.  The chia-head must go!!  I'll see what I can do about pictures...If I can, I'll try to show you a before & after...The problem is getting the after pic 

Well, I think that's enough unimportant stuff for one day.  Me & my VERY tired & heavy eye-lids are gonna go.  Hope you all are well.  Take good care.  Much love & many blessings to you all! 

I had a nightmare last night.  About him.  This is my second or third within this past week.  It's fuzzy now, but I woke up sweating & with my heart pounding.  It was difficult for me to convince my body to relax.  I don't remember what exactly happened, but it was scary as hell.  It bothers me that I'm having dreams like this.  It makes me so much more paranoid.  I just don't want this to  continue to haunt me like this.

Yeah, so I'm crazy.  I was supposed to work at my data entry job till 9 last night.  Stayed till about 10:30.  From there, I totally lost my mind...Cleaning!  My kitchen is beautiful now    I was in the middle of doing the litterboxes when I left for work, so I knew I'd finish that when I came home.  That turned into rearranging cabinets & my pantry, cleaning, arranging flowers, organizing....The list goes on & on.  By 1:30, I was cleaning the cats' ears.  I also went to some websites Pam recommended to me & I was applying for jobs!  I was in bed, TRYING to fall asleep by 2.  I really had a hard time sleeping, and when I did, my dream was BIZARRE!  After I come back from work today (I'm supposed to leave at 5, let's see if that happens), I'm gonna keep going...I have some big plans   

I just don't want to be working at 2 am    I have a doctor's appointment at 8 am tomorrow.  This is to get my referral to the neurologist, who I'll be seeing on the 19th.  Despite my lack of insurance, I really want to get this ball rolling, I want an answer as to what is happening to my body.

Well, I'm gonna go.  Gotta shower & stuff before work.  I did 1,900 envelopes last night.  My goal is get to at least 3,000, maybe 4,000 today (Because it's the weekend, I'll be picking up from those 1,900, rather than starting from scratch).  I hope you all had a great time celebrating New Year's.  Take it easy, have a great remainder of your weekend.  Much love & many blessings to all of you.

Happy New Year, everyone.  Let's all hope that 2005 is better than '04.  I stupidly agreed to go to a part Leighten is throwing tonight. I agreed mainly because I haven't seen him in a while, I like hanging out with him, he's down to earth, relaxed, etc.  But now, I'm wishing I had said no...I'd really rather just sit home & watch the South Park New Year's Rock-a-thon    Oh well.  I just won't stay out late.  I'll try not to.  I said that at Samhain, and I didn't get home until 6:30 am.  Unlike Samhain, though, I don't have a reason to fear coming home.  It's my home now, he's gone, I'm safe.  Although I don't feel it...I've become slightly paranoid for some reason, but that is another topic for another day.  Anyhoo...I'm really tired, I may lay down for a bit.  I hope that no matter what your plans, you are SAFE, and that you all have a great new year!  Take good care, each of you.  Much love & many blessings!

It is grey and cold outside.  People are out & about, but they seem as dismal as the sky.  It seems like a sad day, it seems like a day that lacks emotion.  It seems hopeless.  It is all of those and none of those.  It's a cold, contradictory day.  It is the epitomy of bittersweet.  It's weird.  I went to the UPS store to fax a couple of copies of my resume.  As I was pulling in, so was Shaun from work.  So, I stopped him to say hi.  That created a whole domino effect.  Stephanie, Ashley & Lindsey all met me outside, too.  They MADE me go in.  It was weird being back, not being an employee.  It was nice seeing everyone & they invited me to go bowling on Sunday.  I STILL didn't get my answer as to why this happened.  I don't think I care any more.  It's not worth my time, energy or emotion.  I have to go back in the morning to drop off my key and pay off my balance.  I just don't know what to make of all this.  It's bizarre, simply put.  I got my faxes out...It's just so odd not going to work at Gayton any more.  Oh well, this happened for a reason.  I'm not even going to be optimistic, right now, I'm just not feeling it.  I'm just taking this for what it is.  A change, just another change in the never ending saga that is my life.  Oh well.  Whatever.  I have some stuff I want to do around the house, so I guess I'll end this.  I hope you all are well, and I wish you a bright, beautiful, wonderful, happy, healthy new year.  Much love & many blessings to you all. 

PS...That book I read (see above; I just finished it today)...REALLY good book.  My group leader says it's kind of a classic or standard in the psych community.  It has really helped a lot.  I've read quite a few books now, and I like all of them.  This is one is interesting because it focuses on the ABUSER & his mentality...Very interesting.

Sigh....I have so much going on.  So much change.  My life has changed drastically since Samhain, the new year.  And as the other new year approaches, I can't help but wonder, and be fearful.  I had this feeling that 2004 would be such a good year for me, and yet, that feeling was far from correct.  I am actually afraid of what might be coming.  I am afraid to think, "Oh, this will be a good year," or "I'll make this resolution & things will improve greatly."  I'm afraid to be too lofty in my ideals.  I'm optimistic, don't get me wrong.  I'm happy & I'm getting through everything pretty well (I think).  However, I'm really just focused on a day-to-day basis.  Now, I'm the type to say that ANY day is a good day to make a resolution, it doesn't have to be on a particular "holiday" if you will.  I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain, but I actually find the concept of 2005 coming to be overwhelming, it just seems like too much or that it's too big.  I think the instability I've been feeling from the rape, losing Tobar, Bobby moving out, dealing with the after-effects of the rape & now losing my job is causing me to paranoid.  Sigh....I feel very small right now, and weak, and even vulnerable....