It's so hard keeping it all together.  Keeping up some kind of appearance that I'm ok, that I'm not just out-and-out losing it on the inside.  But, I am.  I am dying.  I am gone.  The emotion, the stress, the fear of what is going on & what is about to happen is killing me.  It is eating my soul alive.  Trying to maintain some kind of routine, some sense of normalcy...it's all out the window anyway, I don't know why I bother trying.  I don't sit here & wonder "Why me?!" but I do wonder "When does it end?  When does it get better?"  For the past month, my life has been not only going down hill, but speeding down a mountain.  I told Lauren today, it's as if everything I've loved & valued & worked for is being destroyed and/or taken away from me.    I do wonder what I did to deserve this & although consciously I can think of nothing, my spirit has never been so sorry or apologetic, wishing I had never done whatever evil it was.

I beg all of you, please continue to put out good thoughts, energy & prayers for me.  I need it.  Something happened today & it makes me wonder if he cast some kind of black magic (I refuse to put the "k" behind this word because that is not magick), or if it is because there is literally a piece of him inside of me.  Is it the negativity & incorrectness of that spirit residing in me that is causing all this shit to happen, or is there more to it?  I may end up doing a ritual cleansing bath, I feel I need it.  If I can (energy wise), I will.  With all that has been going on, I am truly drained, I have nothing left to give.  It amazes me how it went from thinking this was the man I was going to marry to wishing I could be the pulp out of him (I know I can't, but all the emotions are so built up in me, it's all I feel).  I need time to sort through all this, to take care of myself, to heal, to understand.  I know it's too soon, but I feel so overwhelmed, I cannot find that light at the end of the tunnel any more.  I know things will get better, they have to.  It's just getting myself through this right now which seems impossible.....

Sigh...Life.  What the hell is the meaning to all this?  I'm not depressed...Well, not that depressed.  I'm tired, VERY confused, and well, just trying to deal.  I'm working on The Courage To Heal workbook at least 1/2 hour a day, often more than that.  It's helping, a lot.  Unfortunately, though, group tomorrow got cancelled.  That's 2 weeks in a row!  I want to go to my group therapy! <Insert child-like temper-tantrum here, i.e., Cartman-esque>  Work is going ok.  I haven't slept well the past couple of nights, last night especially, so I'm dragging a bit, but I'm pressing on.  I cannot let this affect me in every facet of my life.  I got a call from Karen, the woman who is to be my individual therapist today while I was at work.  I'm going to call her in the morning & see if she can't squeeze me in tomorrow.  I NEED HELP!!!  I want help....I want to get better.  I want to get this damn disease & cycle out of me, PERMANENTLY. 

The stress is even getting to the cats.  Akh is urinating & deficating all over the house   Tomorrow she starts on Amitriptylline, an anti-depressant which will hopefully break her of this cycle.  I feel bad for her...I don't want her to be that upset.  This hasn't been easy on anyone.

Welp, I'm tired.  I need to work in my book, too, before I hit the hay.  If you haven't read it yet, please read my last entry, it really puts this whole thing into perspective.  Tonight, I discovered ANOTHER lie of his, but it doesn't fare at all to those.  It just hurts that I loved & trusted someone with my entire being & this is how he treats me.  There has to be a purpose to this.  This cannot be happening just because.  Although I may not be aware of it right now, I know that somehow, someway, there is a greater meaning/purpose to this.  That is what I use to keep myself going.  That & the determination & hope of healing,  I'm excited to be whole, to be better.  Reaching that goal...At this point, that is what my life circles around.  That is all I can focus on, besides work, it is all I should focus on.  Anything else will just pull me away from my healing.  I refuse to let ANYTHING stop me.  Not any more.  This is my time.

Ok, I've rambled enough.  Sorry!  I hope you are all well.  I will try to catch up on the morrow, if I'm able to get all my errands done.  Take care, everyone.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

I finallly learned what REAL betrayal is.  This afternoon it was taught to me in one of the harshest lessons life has ever given me.

I won't say how, but I found out some EXTREMELY disturbing information.  First & foremost, Bobby keeps saying how he loves me & always will, yet from a far.  What I didn't realize is that his loving me meant that while he was still living here, he created profiles on e-harmony.com & Dating Tech.  He has profiles from other women, matches on both sites, etc.  I don't know if I have ever felt so worthless & small before.  I guess I'm easily replaced...

The other VERY fucked up thing is this: Curve has a community area, with bulletin boards.  I posted on there looking for help.  When you are so far away from your family & your familiar surroundings, you try to find to help & support from where ever you can so you don't feel alone.  He knew this.  I thought he knew this, but I thought nothing of it.  Although, there was an odd woman, a sex therapist who kept telling me to do the opposite of what everyone else said.  I thought it was odd & even remarked to some co-workers about the strangeness of it all.  Turns out that was him.  He created not only a profile, but a persona.  Not only did he try to advise me, but he wrote to other women, giving them "advise."  He even e-mailed me under this facade.  He will stop at nothing to manipulate me, obviously.

This scares the living daylights out of me.  He is clearly not stable....He is nothing like what I thought he was.  The fact that he is capable of suck things, on top of raping me & killing my bird...I can't describe it.  I'm in shock, really.  I read his latest post earlier & it did what he wanted it to do: Guilt me.  I cried, I felt a tremendous amount of pain.  I was wondering why & how something that seemed to be so good could go so horribly wrong.  Then, I found all this shit. 

It solidifies my decision, but it hurts me so much more.  My wounds are deeper than ever.  Salt has been poured into every open, gaping, bleeding wound on my body, in my heart and within my soul.  I am not the same person I was when I woke up this morning.  This is horrible.  It is so difficult to express, to try to put into words all that I feel & think.  I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone. 

Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers, I need them right now.  I am not in a good place, I am not well.  I need help.  I am trying to heal, but each day brings new information which only hurts me more.  I truly do not know how much more of this I can take.  Anyway, I do hope you are all well.  Take good care, each of you.  Much love & many blessings to you all. 

Sigh....so much going on, and yet, all is quiet.  Quiet because I am alone.  Thank the Gods for Lauren.  Our friendship has returned, and we got back into things as if nothing had happened.  She has been a wonderful support, I couldn't ask for more. 

Why is it that people don't understand that not every decision we as people make are based on love?  Love is a wonderful thing, but we cannot afford to let it rule our every decision.  There are decisions in life that we don't want to make, things in life we don't want to do.  But, we have to.  The pain is only temporary, but the effects are ever-lasting.

How is it that Ludwig, HIS fish is still alive?  Clearly, he has not been ignored or neglected.  I now feed this damn creature that I don't like (not because he was Bobby's, but because he's a fish...I used to be phobic, now I just can't stand them).  I found him a home so I don't have to take care of him any more.  I also feared that I would keep forgetting him & inadvertantly kill him.  I couldn't do that.  That is why I found him a home, to ensure his life & well-being.  But that was a gift that was not granted to my beautiful, wonderful Tobar.  A bird who should have lived to thirty, dies at 3 1/2.  A bird who you cannot pass by without her screaming, so you can't miss her, unlike a fish.  A bright beautiful bird who sits on a table by the end of your bed, so you see her every day....Somehow she gets neglected & her life is ended 10 times short of what it should have been.  How is that possible?! 

I have so much I am trying to absorb.  So much pain, hurt, beytral, disappointment.  Broken dreams.  A broken spirit.  I am broken.

The moon is a beautiful bright woman, cut in half.  There was death, darkness & mourning around her.  This is a waning moon.  The death phase of the life cycle.  This is something I am familiar with.  For, not only I do I mourn the passing of a year since my beloved Nyako passed into the next world, I mourn the loss of my heart, of a romance for which I had such dreams and aspirations.  I mourn the passing of my beloved Tobar.  She left me yesterday due to the negligence of that romantic interest.  Death is all around me.  Many doors have been closed in my life.  I am looking for the new starts.  It's horrible, though.  Not only am I alone, I am lonely.   I am shattered.  I am empty.  I truly feel as I have nothing left.... 

Pain, hurt, beytral, mistrust, abuse....This is my life.  A never-ending soap opera.  Why the hell can't I break this cycle?  I refuse to put up with this shit any more.  I cannot continue to allow myself to be a doormat.  The pain & stress of home has been making me so sick.  Truthfully, I should have been hospitalized last week.  My Ulcer & IBD have never been worse.  I get migraines daily.  My muscles ache.  Every joint hurts.  I'm dehydrated.  I'm poisoning my own body.  I'm killing myself slowly.  Yet, I push on.  Work is the only relief I have.  It's pathetic, but true.  Someone, please save me.  This is not a battle I can continue to fight alone.

Alone...The one thing I hated for so long, but now I yearn for it.  Solitude, peace...That is all I need, yet I am unable to receive it, to enjoy it.  Why?  I know there must be so much more to life...

Hello again.  I'd say I've returned from the land of the dead but I'm feeling pretty dead at the moment.  I've got a cold & something happened last night so I didn't get the sleep I needed so the cold is kicking MY butt for a change.

Just so you all know...Don't ever piss me off.  Here's why....My car, my beloved 2002 Stratus died on my way to work Monday.  That was a whole fiasco in & of itself.  So, I get the car towed to a local dealersahip b/c I have a 7 year/100,000 mile warranty on the motor.  The guy calls Tuesday (yesterday) saying it's ready.  I pick up the car earlier today, shell out a nice hunk o' change & Bobby goes to work & I'm on my merry way to run a couple of quick errands.  I wasn't even out for an hour.  I'm on Broad Street which is a main road here, it's very busy.  Car dies as I'm trying to go onto Broad.  I was able to roll it to the beginning of a turning lane so I was out of the way.  Mind you, it did EXACTLY what it did on Monday.  A cop happened to be driving on Broad & he stopped to stay with me.  Bobby came a second later & the the local volunteer motorist assistance division of the county police came & called a tow truck for me.  Got the car towed BACK to the dealership.  I let them have it, and they had the nerve to NOT apologize or give me my check back or anything.  Oh yeah, I'm pissed.  See, what these folks don't know is, You don't EVER mess with a Kane.  I have already contacted the BBB & I have the address for the US Corporate HQ for Daimler Chrysler.  After I'm done here, I'm writing a letter which will get mailed to that HQ tomorrow.  Oh yeah, I don't mess around.  I go straight to the top.  I am also going to tell them I've contacted a lawyer & if they push, I'm calling my grandfather's lawyer.  I am NOT taking this lying down.  (Insert multiple, VERY colorful obscenities here).

Quickly, going back to my last post.  We are not officially engaged.  Bobby gave me a commitment ring that he made, before the move (this was before we decided he'd move with me).  He is going to ask my family's permission & I am asking Andre's permission & there will be an official proposal.  We're just trying to give ourselves a time frame here b/c we have a few goals that we want to reach BEFORE the wedding, so this way, we're giving ourselves something to work for.

Anyhoo, I'm gonna head out for now.  I hope all is well with each of you.Take good care, I will hopefully catch up on all your sites later.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Hello, Xanga world!  I have a little bit of time before Bobby comes home from work.  I've been cleaning the house all day, so I'm taking a break.  Well, actually, it's my second break.  My first break was supposed to be food shopping (ooh, fun!  I know).  I STUPIDLY went into a Bridal shoppe just to get some info...Maybe to look.  Well, asshole that I am, I just put a gown on lay-away.  The gown was $450 & the veil was $59, so I could pay it off up front, but I don't want to feel that big pinch right now, I'm trying to pay off my debt.  So yeah....I'm excited   BTW, our tentative date is 7/22/06....You're all invited.  It'll be in Scotland!

Anyhoo...Besides that, here's a brief up-date.

I officially became old last Thursday, Sept. 30...I turned an ancient 25   Bobby & I got inked & we went to a Fondue restaurant that is in the same shopping center as my job, called The Melting Pot.  Holy cow that had to be the BEST food ever!  Albeit expensive, it was awesome.

The day before my birthday, I went to Petsmart to get cat kitter & ended up getting ANOTHER bird.  A white-faced Cockatiel with a cinnamon tail & pied wings.  He/she/it is beautiful.  Hand raised, EXTREMELY sweet.  I have bloodwork pending to sex the bird by its DNA.  Bobby named the bird Hrothgar from Beowulf.  Definetly someting I need to re-read, but that's besides the point.  So, our menagerie is up to 2 cats (Akhenaten & Nefertiti), 2 birds (Tobar & Hrothgar) & Bobby's fish (Ludwig).  I'm feeling a bit maxed out on the animal front

Oh yeah, I got my right eyebrow pierced on 9/16....I LOVE it!  So does Bobby.  It's a small, slightly curved blue barbell with a little rhinestone on the top piece.  Yes, I've lost my mind

We've been seeing Andre every Sunday for a few weeks now.  The visitations have been going wonderfully.  Better than I could ever expect.  Andre wanted Mexican food for lunch a couple of weeks ago, so I figured I'd just sit & watch my 2 men eat.  Andr walks up to the table, pulls out a chair, goes to the other side of the table, pulls out another chair & sits.  I look at him puzzled.  So, I asked him, "What are you doing?"  He told me he pulled out the first chair for me!  Isn't that the cutest/sweetest/bestest thing you ever heard?!   He is SUCH an awesome kid.  I'm proud of him.  Bobby & I are hoping that when he turns 14, he opts to live with us.  We can give him a better home & a better reducation than his current situation.  I mean no disrespect to his mother, but the live in the ghetto, and he is really smart & has so much potential, I want to make sure he has all opportunities available to him.  Unfortunately, we drove the 2 hours down there on Sunday to find out that she decided to take him to church.  Now, I have no problem with Andre going to church.  I have a problem with church being an all day affair & we were never asked or notified & I end up using an entire tank of gas for nothing.    Bobby was so hurt.  I felt horrible for him.  Normally I'd say there's always this week, but Jay is supposed to be coming down this weekend, so I have no idea what's going on.  My assumption is that when Jay leaves for NY Sunday AM, we'll head out to Norfolk.  The problem is, it is nearly impossible to get a hold of Keisha or anyone to set something up.  That's a whole other, very involved rant that I won't bore you with  

Bobby is working at Guitar Center & loving it.  He's doing very well there.  I absolutely adore the hospital I work at.  It is super cool, very hard work, but it's a great envirnoment.

We're doing so well & we are so happy in every aspect of our lives.  Life is going so very well.  This ,ove was the best thing either one of us could have done.  Jay is visiting this weekend, my mom will be down later this month...Life is good.  I'm gonna jet for now...Got a lot to do.  I will try to catch up with each of you as soon as I can.  I hope all is well with you.  Take good care, everyone!  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Jeez!  I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry it's been this long.  We've been retardedly busy & I'm having some comp problems    Hopefully on Saturday I can up-date you & read everyone's blogs.  I miss you guys so much!  I hope you are all doing well.  Take care each of you.  Much love & many blessings to you all! 

Hello!  I am so sorry!  I haven't forgotten you, it's just that my schedule hasn't allowed me much time for anything.  Bobby & I were in NY over the weekend.  I had a surprise 85th birthday for my grandfather & Bobby hung out with Jay & Jenny.  It was nice to get home, but the trip was brutal.  Work has been going EXTREMELY well...I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy there, and they said they were just as happy with me!  Yay!    My Virginia Tech license FINALLY came through on Tuesday as well....Now I'm all official.

Today is Bobby's 2nd day of work.  Another Yay!    He said he was a bit concerned, it seems like it might be tough, but I have total confidence in him.  He excells at anything & everything he tries, so I know he will do very well.

Life could not be better.  We have a new kitty, too.  I adopted a 9 year-old spayed female all black long hair cat.  We are still SLOWLY introducing the 2 cats, so no one gets hurt.  We decided to be cutsie...Since we have Akhenaten, the new girl is named Nefertiti (Akhenaten's wife, also the most beautiful woman to have ever walked the Earth).  We've joined a bunch of groups from meetup.com, which is great, we are finding we're not the only pagans down here   And Bobby met a couple of pagans at work yesterday...it's nice not feeling like EVERYONE else is born-again & we're not.

So, anyhoo...I have MAJOR housework to do, but I msut say we are so very happy.  I am going to try to go on-line later so I can catch up with each of you, I am so sorry it's been so long.  If I don't make it today, I'll try to go on on Saturday after work, which by the way, Keisha called & Bobby is supposed to finally see Andre on SDaturday!  I am sooooooooooo excited!  Please put out some good energy that this finally comes through & we can start to build a family & that Bobby can be the father he has always wanted to be.  Thanks!

I do hope all is well with each of you.  My love, thoughts & support are with all of you always.  Take good care, everyone.  Much love & many blessings!