Still having problems with Cablevision, hopefully I can get back on-line before the move.  If not, I will see all of you when I get down there.  Had my hand surgery on Monday.  I'm slowly getting better.  Very tender, hurts like hell at times, but I'm managing.  Bobby has been a huge help.  We're at Jay's with my friend Elisabeth, so I really can't talk.  Will catch up as soon as I can.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

I have returned!  I will probably spend some time on Sunday catching up with all of you, since my dance card for tomorrow is full & I'm about to crash in bed (CRAZY day at work today).  But I am here, I have missed all of you terribly & I cannot wait to get back in touch with each of you.  In the meanwhile, I did want to share a piece that has been swirling in my mind for the past week or so.

All the colors in the world blend together.  They are all connected.  Every color is within every color.  The yin and yang blend.  They dance and swirl and become intwined, they are one.  There is a beautiful harmony that crescendoes and crescendoes endlessly without becoming deafening.  The sun does not fare to the brightness and beauty of my Amun-Ra.  Lightness and darkness, opposite ends of the spectrum are now permanently connected.  Music and color, taste and touch and smell, all the senses culminate here: and it is a glorious, overwhelming, beautifully touching, infinite symphony.

 

I have not abandoned you!  Cablevision has abandoned me   I should be up & running again tomorrow.  Gotta go......Hanging out with Bobby, Jay & Jenny.  Will catch up later.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Good evening!  So, we've had more talks about DSC & stuff & I am loving it!   Jay asked me about handling all the merchandising & adverising & what not.  That's fine.  Today, in fact, I actually thought about a huge press-release/unveling/big show to say "Hi, we're here!" type thing.  I know all the right people to invite, too.  And it helps that Bryan works for Variety....That will come very much in handy when the time comes.  Jay is about to SERIOUSLY research up-start costs & stuff.  It's cool, but it's kinda scary.  Stuff like this had been nothing more than a pipe dream for me, for us to be THIS serious about it is...Well, kinda overwhelming, but not in a bad way.    If/when all this happens, you guys are all invited to the unveiling & if you want any custom work done, just say the word.  We have come up with some incredible, truly original ideas.  I REALLY want to say, but I'm afraid of making these ideas public & then we lose our trademark.

I do want to talk about Bobby for a minute.  I cannot tell you just how incredible he is.  He's going to try & move down with me to VA, which I am totally psyched about.  However, I wasn't too keen on the idea of him moving in with me so quickly.  So, I told him that.  I told him that I want nothing more than to come down, but I was just uncomfortable with the idea, and that he could sign a short-term lease for an apartment of his own & then after some time, we could take it from there.  Let me tell you, he was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.  He had no problem with that, totally understood my point of view, was not going to push the issue & asked if I wouldn't mind helping him to find his own place.  Wow!  Someone who DOESN'T take me for granted, that's a miracle!   And...There have been some "issues."  Remeber, it's been 2 1/2 years of NOTHING for me, plus I can count on 1 hand the times I've had CONSENTUAL sex.  And Bobby has been simply amazing, checking to see if I'm ok.  Stopping if I'm the least bit uncomfortable...Just awesome.  I cannot believe this....I have never been with someone so wonderful.  I never dreamed someone like that would ever love me.  That was what my friends were supposed to have & I was just supposed to be envious.  It is so incredible for me.  I am so happy.  Sorry, I just had to share my joy

Well, I'll shut up for now & go check everybody else's site....Good way to procrastinate from packing   Take care, everyone.  Have a beautiful evening.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Just quickly...We had the first official meeting of DSC last night....Jay, Bobby & I hung out, ate, drank lots o' coffee, planned things out, sketched, talked, passed a lot of gas & had an awesome time.  I actually have 3 designs I need to go sketch out now.  I LOVE these guys.  They are so positive & so much fun to be around.  Jay even made a remark about me being his sister in law one day   The funny thing is Bobby is 6'6", he is big, and he's black.  Jay is about 6'6", maybe 6'7", skinny & white.  They are such a site & seeing them call each other brothers is...Interesting   The 3 of us get along famously.  This is going to be good   I need to draw & then go to bed.  I'm doing kennel tomorrow morning, even though we are closed, and I REALLY need some sleep.  Take care everyone.  Hope you are all having a fun time watching fireworks!  Much love & many blessings to you all!

So, the truck ran out of gas AGAIN the other day.  Turns out that the "new" fuel pump isn't new at all, it's refurbished!  It's a piece of shit.  Thankfully both Bobby & Jay came to my rescue (A cop actually came over to help me & stayed with me & helped us work on her a little bit).  Jay worked on the truck, he also found a spark plug tester still attatched to the chassis   We got her up & running.  So, then they followed me to the gas station to be sure I was ok.  As I was pumping the gas & even after, we were just talking.  First about my plans for the truck, then about tricking Bobby's car out, then we just got into ideas for customs.  This then evolved into custom bikes & the ideas & stories were flying.  We ended up talking at the gas station for hours.  The ideas we came up with were incredible!  We then talked about creating our own custom car & bike shop.  We're calling it Dark Side Customs.  We are serious about this too.  Bobby e-mailed us a copy of his business plan from his jewlery company so we had a template for the shop.  Jay said he'll teach Bobby & I mechanics (A lifelong dream for me! ).  The ideas were endless.  Granted, this won't be for a few years b/c we'll need time to save up & pool all our money, but this is looking & sounding REALLY good.  I am SOOOOOO excited!  Here are a few examples of the logo (Bobby made several depending on the type of vehicle/style of modification)

So cool!   Anyway, have a GREAT holiday weekend, everyone.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Thanks to all of you for your support yesterday.  It was tough going there, we made the left turn that the old man made that caused the accident.  Someone had put a bouquet of roses there, too, but it wasn't signed so we don't know who.  Bobby & I planted some tree seeds.  Hopefully they will grow.  We spent some time there & then went to the Shack for dinner.  The Shack is this out door place that is a big hang out for bikers & car people.  We used to ride there all the time.  The food is cholestrol ridden, basically a heart attack on a plate, but it is damn good.  It was a fitting tribute dinner to Mug since we hung out there often.

Mug has not come to me since Beltane.  I think both he & I needed closure.  He had talked about finding someone for me, someone who he would really check out & make sure was good for me & that he approved of, and there was Bobby on that day.  I would like to keep communicating with him, but if he has moved on, that's fine.  He will always be in my heart, and on my back

One thing off subject for a moment.  I'm sorry to dwell on this & frankly, I don't think xanga ia the right forum for this, but I really don't feel I have any other outlets or ways of letting myself be heard.  This whole thing with Lauren is simply killing me.  It was blown way out of proportion.  We're talking about maybe $130 or so, which to this day I will gladly pay, but she won't take it, and yet somehow, it is still all my fault.  She wrote on her xanga that I was more concerned with being right than our 16 year friendship.  If that was the case, then why did I say in an e-mail that communication is a 2-way street & that I was sorry for my 50% of the miscommunication?  And I was not the one who said they were closing the door & throwing away the key.  Sigh....This sucks, it really does.  I understand that people grow apart & that perhaps we are just not meant to be friends any more, but to give up someone after so long is just so damn hard.  I just wish we could TALK, but she refuses.  I'm pretty much blocked from communicationg with her at all, and that was her own doing.  I just don't get it.  If it was such an issue, why didn't she just tell me to my face instead of waiting till I got home & only dealing with this via e-mail?  E-mail is NOT the way to settle an issue.  I guess there isn't anything I can do.  It just hurts, ya know?

Well, enough of that.  I can't dwell on the negative when I have so many positive changes going on in my life.  I really feel like my life is FINALLY taking off & heading in the direction I want it to go.  Life is such a peculiar balance, isn't it?  As one thing leaves another enters.  The balance, the contiuum of it all, it fascinates me.  Goddess & God have been good to me, I have never wanted or needed for anything, and things have balanced out in such incredible ways, so I trust them, I'm just leaving all this in their hands.  Anyway, have a great night, all.  Much love & many blessings to you all!

Keith Doug's anniversary is here & I can feel it.  I feel it physically.  The date is today & I feel every part of it in my muscle fibres.  He's come to me several times since his death.  He was with me for quite a while immediately following his wake, he visited me on Samhein, he's come on a few random occasions as well.  He was even with me on Beltane.  He was actually very clingy on Beltane.  I could feel his spirit, he was literally not leaving my side.  I miss him like hell, I really do.  His was one of those deaths that you have no idea how greatly the person impacted your life until it's too late.  In a way, I wish that it was just the accident coming up, not the anniversary.  I want to be able to go the funeral home again.  I want to see those pictures of him again.  I want to be there...  I don't want it to be a year already & I still don't know what happened to his body, or who has those pictures, or who took his dog, Neo.  It hurts. 

*You'll see me refer to him as Keith Doug, Doug, Meith Mug or Mug.  Keith Doug is his name, although we sometimes called him Doug for short.  Meith Mug & Mug are nicknames.  They refer to him when he's drunk (the various stages of Keith Doug in inebriation).  It's a little lengthy to go into here, but they are terms of endearment.*

"Mug" died in a motorcycle accident.  He was riding with Darin, and somehow Darin lost him (Darin tends to ride very fast).  Darin had actually turned around to find Mug, when he came upon the accident.  Mug was speeding, trying to catch up to Darin, and a 70 year old man (mind you this is at night on a not-so-well-lit street, so it was dark, and the man had just gotten off a plane, so he was probably exceptionally tired), in a small SUV was making a left hand turn & Mug smacked into him.  The impact was so great that the passengers in the back had to be cut out of the car.  He was found a block from his bike.  Darin said he just looked "broken."  He was bleeding out of every orifice, one leg got cut off below the knee, and the calf was behind his head.  He died in Darin's arms.  It took about 2 weeks for the wake because Keith Doug had no family.  The family he did have lived in California & did not speak to him (or at least they weren't on the best terms.  I know why, but it is not my place to discuss his family matters).  There was talk after the wake about a viking funeral or cremation, I never found out what happened.  Everybody was there, but Vinny, Darin, Matt, Falcon.....All the guys we (and he) rode with hung out outside for a while, came in, looked at the photo-collage, and then went back outside.  They didn't pay any kind of respect(s) to him.  It bothered me.  Still does.  They were his family, he always said that too.  They treated him like shit when he was alive & they treated him like shit in his death. 

The worst part of all this was, (a) he was the nicest one of the group & (b) he was starting to get his like in order.  Unlike the others, he was going back to school for business & management classes, and he had just bought his own landscaping company.  None of the other guys (to this day) have come close to that.  He was starting to get his life in the right direction.  He told me he needed to go, and I understand that, I just wish it would have been different, under "better" circumstances.... 

God, I miss him.  Bobby & I are going to the site of the accident.  I want to spend some good time there, rather than just in passing. 

He's the one I got that waxwing (bird) tattoo for.  Waxwings represent gentleness in spirit & higher knowledge.  And I put it ON the sword, because he always thought he was below me, and I wanted to show & honor him by putting ABOVE me.  Sigh....Sorry for such a long ramble, but I've thought about him just about every day for the past year.  Please, read my memorial below, and light a candle in his honor.  Thanks.

IN MEMORIAM

Keith Douglas Schaefer

"Meith Mug"

January 11, 1972 - June 28, 2003

 

 

How do we say goodbye?

How do we say goodbye to a bright, beautiful, but fleeting sunset?  The bold colors blinding us one minute, vanish the next.  How do we say goodbye to something we cannot grasp?

How do we say goodbye to a world that moves so quickly, our voices blend in with the blur of life and are forgotten?  Can you say goodbye to the wind?

How do we say goodbye when we can hardly say hello?  We build giant, impenetrable walls to protect ourselves, yet they only end up hurting us more.

How do we say goodbye when memories are nothing more than pictures with slight warps, holes and deformities in them?  They slowly fade further and further, making us squint, trying to see that beautiful image that is lost somewhere in time.

How do we say goodbye to that which we cannot see?  As humans, we foolishly only believe in the obtainable, what we can see, hear or touch.  Yet, there is so much more that goes on around us, and we lose something great if we do not take the time to see what is invisible.

How do we say goodbye to that which we do not understand?  What we see around us is so much greater than our puny minds could ever conceive, and for us to hold it for that moment to whisper "Goodbye...." in an ear that is so much bigger than even a child's imagination.

How do we say goodbye to a piece of ourselves?  If we are with ourselves all the time, carry each part of us infinitely, how is possible that we lose ourselves so quickly?  How can we let go of that which bears an effect on our soul?

How do we say goodbye and let go of souls that are intertwined with us and still carry on as if we never knew them?  How does life continue without these souls?  It is never the same.  Their beauty, love, life, light is gone.  Their energy has swirled, and danced, and moved, and morphed.  Their impact on life has changed.

How do we say goodbye to emotions?

How do we just say goodbye?

How do I, Lauren, say goodbye to you, Mug, and just continue to walk on?

 

http://www.griefnet.org/memorials/2004b/may13-501262190.html  (created by me)

http://www.griefnet.org/memorials/2004b/may14-5842415238.html (created by me)

http://www.griefnet.org/memorials/2004b/may18-9213917281.html (created by me)

griefnet.org/memorials/2003c/jul7-590197595.html (created by another friend)

griefnet.org/memorials/2003c/jul15-293264357.html  (created by another friend)

 

Hello world!  I have returned!  I got my computer back from being fixed...There was a virus, so they cleaned it out, up-dated my norton anti-virus & installed spy sweeper, and she is running the way she is supposed to.  I am VERY happy.  I will probably catch up with each of you tomorrow or Sunday.

Still haven't heard from Lauren.  It kills me, it really does.  After 16 years, she is going to put money ahead of me...  I offered my truck & my physical labor to help her, Jeff & colin move into their new townhouse.  I was not expecting (nor would I have accepted) money in return.  I told her than if she & Jeff ever needed to borrow a car since they only have one, they could borrow my Stratus since I have the truck.  Again, There was no motive like "At least I'll get a payback for this."  It pisses me off & it hurts & it frustrates & confuses me.  Since she's already shown that money means more than people, do I even want a friendship like that back?  She was always complaining that she didn't have any REAL friends down there & now a month before I move 1.8 miles away from her, she slams the door in my face.  She can't complain if it's her own doing.  True friendship knows no paybacks or conditions...

Things with Bobby have been frighteningly wonderful.  I'm scared out of my mind because I've never been treated this way, but it so wonderful to be around him.  We laugh CONSTANTLY...And I mean a good, hearty, heart-felt, pee-in-your-pants type of laughter.  I have told him things I haven't told anyone else.  I think the fact that he's pagan/Buddhist REALLY helps....He is very open minded & non-judgemental, which is so important to me.  He made a ring for me & gave it to me last night, he said it was his promise to give me everything I could ever want or need, that it was his commitment to my happiness & to me.  I'm just waiting....I'm so cynical...I don't mean to be, but this just seems WAY too good to be true, so I'm waiting    I'm sure it'll be fine, but after years of abuse, you tend to assume the worst.  For now, I am enjoying it & him and what ever is meant to be will be.

He'll actually be here in a few minutes, we've got some stuff we're going to do....I'm gong to help him with his resume & what not.  So, I'm outta here for now, but now that the computer is back to normal I shall return!   Have a great night, all!  Much love & many blessings to you all!