November 2, 2003

• My mind is swirling.  I drove home tonight in a daze, and the drive seemed infinite.  My world is not stable at the moment, and I hate that.  I have some amazingly wonderful things going on, as well as some very difficult tasks.  I hate drama.  I hate when everything is blown out of proportion.  Even though I am very emotional, I am not dramatic (or I try not to be, anyway).  As nice as it is to get comfort & attention from loved ones, I know the world doesn’t revolve around me, and I want to support them in their lives as much as I want that to be reciprocated.  I’m high and low at the same time right now.  Not only does that confuse me, but it bothers me that I can’t just be level.  I crave the ordinary, a common day-to-day life.  Is it me?  Do I create my own drama, either by exaggeration or just putting myself in the wrong situations?  Is it my life?  Am I just one of those unfortunate souls where “no rest for the weary” is my life’s motto?  Is it Karma from past lives or all the fuck-ups I’ve made along the way in this one?  Who the hell knows.  I just want to live my life & just be.  I know life is full of ups & downs & that’s fine by me.  I just don’t want it to be so hectic all the time.  I want comfort, quiet, normalcy (if there is such a thing as normalcy).  Sigh, such is life, I know.  I’m just going to go watch tv and not think or analyze or do anything.  Like an ostrich: if I can’t see it, it must not be there.  Ha!  oh well.  This too shall pass, hopefully pretty damn quickly, I want to get back into enjoying all the things & people I have.

  • 9:39 pm
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