December 5, 2003

• BBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

  
  

  I hate the snow!  LOL…Not really.  It’s pretty to look at, but I hate having to live & deal with it….it’s such a pain in the ass.  Although, I am thankful for my 2 Michigan winters: I learned a lot driving in REAL snow 5 – 6 months out of the year.  At least I know I’m safe in the snow…I just try to stay away from idiots…Most NYers don’t know how to REALLY drive in snow.  There was this one woman who starting BACKING UP in the middle of a snowstorm last year, in a break in the median of 347/454 in Hauppauge…Brilliant.  I ended up sliding across 347 & I landed on the right hand shoulder.  I remained calm, slowly applied pressure to the break & downshifted.  Didn’t anyone or anything, although I did want to hit HER.  See, there was a car speeding up behind me as the moron decides to back up into my lane.  Thank god, “speed racer” cut underneath me & drove away just in time for me to do my version of “Disney on Ice”…Except it was the R-rated version of disney!  LOL.  Well, that was fun.  I can’t wait for that kind of stupidity to show itself this weekend.  At least it entertains me 

  
  

  I’m actually doing pretty well other than being cold.  I have a few things plaguing me, but they’re all related, and they just need to sort themselves out.  It’s all a matter of time.  At least I have wonderful friends I can talk to.  Stephen & I had an AWESOME talk in that Tat parlor on Tuesday.  I love everyone there…We have these amazing philosophical discussions.  It is such a warm, loving atmosphere.  Normally, I’d be uncomfortable discussing certain things (i.e., the placement of this next tattoo), but I’m very comfortable around Stephen.  Finding Lynn & this parlor was such a blessing…I recommend them to everybody.  They squeezed me in when “Mug” died (so I could get my memorial tat ASAP), they’ve always been great.  They all have such amazing gift with their artistry…I’m so jealous   Wow, that was quite an aside   Going back, the point was that I have great people to talk to: Stephen, Lauren (my best friend), Dawn & Justin….  So many good people in my life.  I do have to battle my insecurities on my own, but these people have been more than helpful in that battle.  They’ve all helped me to see things from various angles, and to come to the right decision with things.  From experience, I know how important it is to get outside feedback….I learned the hardway that outside opinions of certain situations definetly count for something.  So now, I listen to them with more appreciation for their perspectives.

  
  

  As for that “challenge” Dawn faced me with, I decided no.  The temptation was there, but I can’t.  Saying yes would compromise my morals too much.  I am not ready to say yes, either…I need time.  I’m not going to say anymore…I don’t want to elude to it, it is just too personal.  But I spoke to Lauren about it & she agrees with me, and that was all I needed.

  
  

  Speaking of Lauren…I also, kind of finally came out to her (sort of).  Without saying it directly, she now knows I’m bi.  I was a little apprehensive about telling her.  Yes, she’s seen me through a TON of shit, but I was afraid she might judge me.  Stupid me!  I should never underestimate her again.  She loved & supported me like always.  To say she rocks is an understatement.  So, I’ve been getting a lot of weight lifted off my shoulders…It feels good to not hide.  I do have to hide certain things from my family, but it’s not meant in a hurtful way.  It’s just due to….It’s hard to describe…At the fear of sounding like a teenager, they just wouldn’t understand.  I could never tell my grandparents I’m bi…They’d probably die (literally).  And I think my mom might judge me…She’s changed a lot, so maybe not, but I fear that some of her old ways are still alive & kicking somewhere.  And no, my family doesn’t know I’m Wiccan.  Again, don’t want to hurt or confuse the grandparents.  They’ve been too wonderful to me for me to throw them a loop like that.  As for my mom…Oooooh, talk about judging!  It would get ugly…I know the kinds of “conversations” that would take place….Scary.  So, I leave it be.  If I can’t openly discuss my father’s abuse, I certainly can’t discuss things like that.  But, I am happy & I love my family very much.  It doesn’t bother me.  My relationships with them are closer than ever, so why ruin a good thing?

  
  

  Ok, I’ve been going on & on aimlessly    So, I’ll shut up now    Stay warm!

  • 6:50 pm
  • 3 Comments